America
Gallup: Record High Number Of Pro-Life Americans Want To Kill Your Children
Fun news for chart nerds! Gallup has once again released its annual poll illustrating how much Americans hate abortion by saying it should be legal in all or certain cases. That’s right, “pro-choicers” are at a “record low” of only 41 percent of respondents who want to kill children. Except for the 77 percent of [...]
Palin Might Run For President Because Of Raging Non-Limbaugh Misogynists
Sarah Palin went on — or should we say, was transmitted through someone’s phone-toy in the direction of — CNN during Tuesday’s Super Snoozeday parade, and proclaimed that who knows whether she’ll run for president today, tomorrow, or after the Mayan apocalypse, but anything is possible because Americans can do anything they put their minds [...]
Jim Newell Is Back, Writes ‘Failed Blogger Returns To Wonkette’ Headline
Hello, humans. My name is Jim. I used to edit this stupid website for two or three years back when it was stupider, in The Roaring Twenties.
‘Black Friday’ Champs Walk Over Dying Man To Buy Target Crap
Pepper spray was a-spraying, knives were a-stabbing, guns were a-shooting, muggers were a-mugging, punchers were a-punching — it was a “Black Friday” celebration that truly proved if you’re not a part of the worldwide anti-corporate protests, then you’re actually a very stinky part of the problem. But the Gold Medal in Applied Assjerk Consumerism goes [...]
Happy ‘BP Destroyed the Gulf of Mexico Forever’ Day!
Good morning, dead baby dolphins! It’s hard to believe that today marks the first anniversary of the Gulf of Mexico being poisoned forever. Does anyone even remember what the Gulf was like before murdered sea creatures started washing up on the beaches? Or what little children used to play with and get cancer from before [...]
GOP Hacks: Donald Trump ‘Makes Our Loins Tingle’ (Paraphrase)
Republican Party officials from all over the world are eager to see Donald Trump run for president, because “he’s got people fired up” and “more and more people are talking about [the thing on his head].” Polls show that voters are attracted to Donald Trump, especially since he calls non-white people “the blacks.” But that’s [...]
Fish Union Unamused By Radioactive Sushi, Demands Compensation
A trade group representing Japanese fishermen (see: scummy fish union) has called TEPCO — the company that owns the nuclear power plant that is currently exploding — incompetent and “unforgivable.” Specifically, the group is less than thrilled about Tokyo Electric and the Japanese government deciding to dump 11,500 tons of radioactive water into the Pacific [...]
World’s Governments Can’t Decide How Radioactive Everything Is
More happy cherry blossom news from Japan! Extremely radioactive water has been discovered outside one of the Fukushima reactors, which means there’s a good chance that radioactive liquid is seeping into Mother Earth right now as we are typing this. Tepco officials reported that radiation levels at Reactor No. 2 were “10 million times higher [...]
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