Beloved Utah Republican Orrin Hatch loves to sing, and he loves to compose songs, so he can sing them! The songs are often about the Mormon God, but this time the song is about the Liberal God, Ted Kennedy, who has tragically died of old age and sickness. Enjoy! [YouTube via "Scott R."]

Jesus fuck is this even America anymore? First we elect a black president, and now the Twitter is shut off in the White House? And we don’t want to hear any of this “Security concerns” balderdash, because when we last had a real American president (that fat white sack of shit Dick Cheney), and he needed to get around the “law” or whatever, he just ran his own private email servers with Karl Rove from some Tennessee pedophile listserv. [The Hill]

Huzzah for the Can-Do spirit of Americans, who continue to just pile on the pounds despite the nation’s crushed economy. Turns out you don’t need much money to become obese! And without jobs, Americans have more time than ever to sit in front of teevee eating another bucket of corn-syrup taco-ball cheezey-poop pasta-bowl Grease Dipperz™. So, let’s all give a KFC double-drumstick round of applause for Mississippi, with a literally staggering 32.5% of its population medically obese. Second prize (a truckload of trans-fat soaked Chocohoglick-brand chocolate-flavored Globulez™) goes to West Virginia, Alabama and Tennessee, each boasting obesity rates of 30% or higher. MORE »

No surprises here, folks: while American adults work obsessively for 51 weeks out of the year and sneer at the French, who take the whole month of August to go to the beach while their elderly citizens quietly expire at home, American YOUTHS are just lazy fartsacks who get three whole months a year to play with their Wiis and masturbate into empty packages of Pop Tarts while their parents are at work. MORE »

Once or twice a year, we give in and post a “humor” video because it is just that good. (This means you can still keep not sending us links to the Daily Show, Colbert, Tina Fey, etc.) So, enjoy this “Obama Drastically Scales Back Goals For America After Visiting Denny’s” segment, which is just tragic and true.

Let’s see, what do we talk about around here all the time now? Teen pregnancy, and MTV’s The Real World in Washington. Here’s a new show coming up on that very same network, but it’s about the real Real World, for Americans, which is “you get knocked up in high school” and … well, that’s about it. Unless you’re Sarah Palin’s babydaughter, generally you are never heard from again, because you will be a cashier at Food 4 Less or whatever, part time. Anyway, ignore the Target commercial at the beginning here and enjoy this tragic promo for MTV’s 16 and Pregnant, directed by our old pal Morgan J. Freeman.

No comment necessary, as this is America. [YouTube]

Friday, May 1: For those who never tire of sexytime with aging furry-chested musical icons, or at least proximities thereof, Super Diamond is for you. It’s not the “real” Neil Diamond, but are we so sure an original existed in the first place? MORE »

Having successfully completed a hilarious stack of FAIL on Tax Day, the Teabagging Cultists will next flap their testicles against the mouth of 9/11, our nation’s most holy day of remembrance. Just six months or so from right now, the fantastic teabagging momentum will strike again, as America sheds its tears over the anniversary of the September 11, 2001 attacks on the places wingnuts and teabaggers hate most: Washington DC and New York City. MORE »

Jesus christ, this whole country is drowning in its own blood. We take a day off — the Sabbath — and there are another half-dozen gruesome murders or murder-suicides. Cops and the families of the killers seem to be particularly common targets. We don’t recall Homicidal Frenzy as being a normal part of, say, the recessions of 1981-82, 1991-92 or 2001. MORE »

• LIVE LIKE A SUICIDE: At least one U.S. index is rising — American Suicide! More people are killing themselves, especially middle-aged people. [LA Times]