Tag Archives: America

  too bad there are no other guns in the Middle East :(

Ben Carson: The Only Way To Stop A Bad ISIS With A Gun Is A Good ISIS With A Gun

It's very hard to memorize all the NRA's talking points.
Ben Carson is revealing some of his secret campaign platform magic early, hurray! We thought we would have to wait until Monday, May 4, when Carson officially announces his failed presidential run, to learn how Carson would handle pressing things like ISIS, but the wait is over! Just give everybody guns, because there sure aren’t enough guns over in those Middle East parts! Read more on Ben Carson: The Only Way To Stop A Bad ISIS With A Gun Is A Good ISIS With A Gun…
  birth of a notion

Google Gaffes, Gets Dippy Dana Rohrabacher In High Dudgeon Over Dinesh D’Souza’s New Doc

It is strange goddamn times we live in when Dana Rohrabacher says something astoundingly, head-smackingly dumb and it’s still barely in the top fifty of dumb things we’ve heard this week. Nonetheless and also such as, this is pretty dumb. Republican Congressman Dana Rohrabacher, a frequent foe of Google, is demanding to know why the giant Internet company was fumbling the search results for Dinesh D’Souza’s movie America for nearly three weeks. “This doesn’t deserve to be ignored. We need to verify the statistics in some way, and I will be suggesting the appropriate committee or subcommittee have some kind of hearing on this,” Rohrbacher said. “We know there were significant incidences, and that would suggest there was intent behind Google’s nonperformance.” Read more on Google Gaffes, Gets Dippy Dana Rohrabacher In High Dudgeon Over Dinesh D’Souza’s New Doc…
  outreach to the black ant community

Dinesh D’Souza’s Wild Kingdom: Ants Are The Best Americans

Conservative Intellectual™ Dinesh D’Souza is getting his David Attenborough on in this short clip posted to his website this week, and he wants to lay some learning on you good folks: The ant is very industrious. I’ve been reading the Harvard scholar E.O. Wilson, an authority on ants, and he points out that the ant can be an individualist. But, at the same time, ants like to work together; they will cooperate voluntarily to haul food. Read more on Dinesh D’Souza’s Wild Kingdom: Ants Are The Best Americans…
  Worst. viral. video. ever.

Dinesh D’Souza Parodied Obama’s Ferns Video. Remember, Satire Doesn’t Have To Be Funny.

Oh, look! Patronizing scold Dinesh D’Souza has branched out from just yammering about how Barack Hussein Obama is the worst, most un-American president ever, and now he’s made a video parody of that “Between All the Ferns On Zack Galifianakis’s Lap” video that Barry was in. And he sure hopes it goes viral! It’s full of hip humor, like how in the corner, instead of “Funny or Die,” it says “Live Free Or Die”! And D’Souza, the scholarly non-scholar who knows all about high-minded things like Liberty and the Constitution, gives us a master class in conservative satire, cleverly repurposing Obama’s lines in the original, funny interview so that they can be turned against the anticolonial ideologue in this bravely non-funny parody. Read more on Dinesh D’Souza Parodied Obama’s Ferns Video. Remember, Satire Doesn’t Have To Be Funny….
  give her her propers

Put On A Fancy Hat And Sing ‘America’ For Aretha Franklin’s Birthday

What can we say about Aretha Franklin? It’s her birthday! Queen of Soul! We can tell you that if you don’t already own a heaping helping of her records, you should clicky clicky on over to Amazon and pick up Rhino’s fantastic box set, The Queen of Soul which has five CDs of Aretha goodness for a whopping $29. Read more on Put On A Fancy Hat And Sing ‘America’ For Aretha Franklin’s Birthday…
  fuck yeah

Come Watch The Trailer For Dinesh D’Souza’s Kickass New Freedom-Loving Movie, ‘America’

Are you guys ready to have your world rocked by Dinesh D’Souza’s America, a film that just got highlighted at CPAC and is causing a mass epidemic of fapping over at WND? Yes you are, because this trailer is a BEAST. It is the kingpin of trailers, the ultimate in trailers, the lord high god of trailers. Your life will never be the same after you watch this thing. Read more on Come Watch The Trailer For Dinesh D’Souza’s Kickass New Freedom-Loving Movie, ‘America’…
  our long national nightmare is just beginning

Texans Spend Eight Minutes In Heaven With Ted Cruz; Rest Of Nation Barely Resists Urge To Vomit

Eight minutes can be a really long time. It’s about the amount of time it takes light from the sun to travel to the earth. Or in more earthly terms, it’s twice as long as Gary’s never-gonna-happen fantasy about Piper Perabo. But if you are an addled, half-brained drooling Tea-jadist, then it is just the right amount of time to give a standing ovation to Texi-Canadian ass-monkey Ted Cruz: Republican Sen. Ted Cruz received an eight-minute standing ovation upon his return to Texas this past weekend, despite an extended, hostile campaign from Democrats and the mainstream media to portray him as a dangerous extremist. Thanks, Daily Caller, for noting that the hostile campaign to portray Ted Cruz as a dangerous extremist is a ludicrous notion from the MSM and crazy libruls. Because causing billions of dollars to the economy FOR NOTHING is totally cool and not dangerous or extreme at all, no siree.  Read more on Texans Spend Eight Minutes In Heaven With Ted Cruz; Rest Of Nation Barely Resists Urge To Vomit…
  here is my offer: nothing

Shutdown Saga Maybe Possibly Coming To An End, Ha Ha, Just Kidding Dummies

Shutdown day 11! Hope you have been getting your Government Shutdown Bonus Card stamped every day, because 12 shutdown days earns you one free voter repression in the swing state of your choice! (Wonkette is going with a minority college kid in North Carolina.) Well, yesterday saw President Obama meeting with top GOP lawmakers at the White House to Not Negotiate an end to the GOP shutdown over repealing Obamacare defunding Obamacare delaying Obamacare stubbornness? Who knows anymore. But good news! “We had a useful meeting. We agreed to continue discussions,” House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Va.) said upon returning to the Capitol. A useful meeting AND more discussions!!1! Just the fact that there is a conversation happening sent stocks rising faster than Rick Santorum’s peener when he dreams of coupling with Ronald Reagan’s corpse. Let’s sexplore what deal may be cooking.  Read more on Shutdown Saga Maybe Possibly Coming To An End, Ha Ha, Just Kidding Dummies…
  its a gas gas gas

Syria: Come For The Bloody Civil War, Stay For The Sarin Gas

If you’re done whining about High Overlord Fidel Hitler Obama shoving health care down your throat, let’s take a wee peek outside the United States and explore the lives of people. In some countries, instead of raining down health care, leaders are shelling their own populations with chemical weapons. Per the Washington Post: Horrific photos and videos from Syria on Wednesday showed scores of bodies, including many children, lined up in field hospitals and morgues in the eastern suburbs of Damascus. Opposition spokesmen said they were evidence of a massive chemical weapons attack by the regime of Bashar al-Assad. Hundreds were reported killed, and medical personnel at the scene described symptoms consistent with the use of deadly nerve agents: constricted pupils, foam around the mouth and breathing difficulties. At least they are having breathing difficulties and foaming mouths without the threat of forced health care. Three cheers for freedom, yo!  Read more on Syria: Come For The Bloody Civil War, Stay For The Sarin Gas…
  this is my sorry for 2004

Washington Post’s Premier Romney-Licker Jennifer Rubin: Why Does Mitt Romney Keep Apologizing For America?

Cartoon Romney sidekick Jennifer Rubin has determined, thanks to a Romney ad she saw, that Barack Obama did so apologize for America over and over and over again to the point that nobody is even sure if he was actually president or just some hip-hop artist obsessed with apologizing. What sorts of apologies did Barack Obama lodge on America’s unwilling behalf? (Was America raped with apology, giving birth to God-blessed Obamunism?) I will focus on two major apologies that have been deliberately and forcefully delivered by the president and/or top aides. The first is our handling of the war on terror. Liberals don’t even see that Obama’s excoriating his predecessor is apologizing for this nation, but of course it is. George W. Bush wasn’t acting as a private citizen, and whatever he actions he took were done in the name of the United States. Read more on Washington Post’s Premier Romney-Licker Jennifer Rubin: Why Does Mitt Romney Keep Apologizing For America?…
  what is 'legal'?

Gallup: Record High Number Of Pro-Life Americans Want To Kill Your Children

Fun news for chart nerds! Gallup has once again released its annual poll illustrating how much Americans hate abortion by saying it should be legal in all or certain cases. That’s right, “pro-choicers” are at a “record low” of only 41 percent of respondents who want to kill children. Except for the 77 percent of respondents who think abortion should be legal! Fuck man, math is hard. Read more on Gallup: Record High Number Of Pro-Life Americans Want To Kill Your Children…
  dreamcatching

Palin Might Run For President Because Of Raging Non-Limbaugh Misogynists

Sarah Palin went on — or should we say, was transmitted through someone’s phone-toy in the direction of — CNN during Tuesday’s Super Snoozeday parade, and proclaimed that who knows whether she’ll run for president today, tomorrow, or after the Mayan apocalypse, but anything is possible because Americans can do anything they put their minds to, emphasis on “minds” and excluding jobs. Later on, while Romney was disappointing America, CNN spent a good portion of the long process of cell degeneration we call life talking about Palin some more, with what little comprehensible English was made available by her mouth yesterday. Conclusion: Sarah Palin is an alive person. Plus, hates misogynists as long as they are liberal. Read more on Palin Might Run For President Because Of Raging Non-Limbaugh Misogynists…
  2012 can't come quick enough

‘Black Friday’ Champs Walk Over Dying Man To Buy Target Crap

Pepper spray was a-spraying, knives were a-stabbing, guns were a-shooting, muggers were a-mugging, punchers were a-punching — it was a “Black Friday” celebration that truly proved if you’re not a part of the worldwide anti-corporate protests, then you’re actually a very stinky part of the problem. But the Gold Medal in Applied Assjerk Consumerism goes to the shoppers at the Target crap box store in South Charleston, West Virginia: These bargain-crazed mouth-breathing waterheads literally walked over a dying 61-year-old man who collapsed in the aisles. Can we please do an “alternate history swap” and have the Native Americans defeat the Europeans? Please? Read more on ‘Black Friday’ Champs Walk Over Dying Man To Buy Target Crap…
  trick questions

What Is ‘America,’ Anyway?

Why did America’s young people “take it to the streets” on May 1st? Were they angry about all the illegal wars? Were they frustrated because undocumented immigrants pay more taxes than our largest corporations? Perhaps all the young, patriotic Americans protested in the streets because we have “less than five percent of the world’s population, but almost a quarter of the world’s prisoners”? Or because “the richest one percent of Americans now take home almost twenty-four percent of income,” just like in a Banana Republic? Don’t be silly! America’s young people emerged from their condos to celebrate Death. Too bad Leni Riefenstahl wasn’t there with her Flip Cam. Speaking of Nazis, do you know who else died on May First? Hitler! Unfortunately we weren’t able to shoot Adolf Hitler in the head and then dump him in the ocean, for Justice — but most of the high-ranking Nazi monsters were still tried and convicted in a court of law. We probably would have killed every member of the Nazi High Command immediately without a proper trial, if they had committed the unconscionable act of murdering 3,000 people. Read more on What Is ‘America,’ Anyway?…
  sex fear violence repeat forever

‘Dead Osama’ Merchandise Makes End Of America Official

Uh, what’s that famous & misattributed Sinclair Lewis quote? “When fascism comes to America, it will be wearing a sexy WE GOT HIM ladies-tee, and it will have an iPhone squeezed between its voluptuous titties, so that the government will always know where it is.” Anyway! Now all you war-mongering yuppie mongrels can purchase “Osama’s Dead” t-shirts for your dogs, so that they can have something fancy to wear at the “dog park” whilst you pleasure each other with freedom-dome in the bushes, or wherever. If Joe Goebbels were alive, he would be masturbating so furiously right now that his dick would catch fire from all the violent friction. Read more on ‘Dead Osama’ Merchandise Makes End Of America Official…
  it's morning in america

Trump Asked For White House Job, Wanted To Build Obama a Ballroom

What did Donald Trump use to do for “fun,” before he started accusing Barack Obama of being a Kenyan space lizard with lousy SAT scores? Oh, you know, he would drunk dial David Axelrod and beg him for a job, of course. Zounds! Probably best to take a pinch from the snuff box before you proceed. Ready for this?: Donald Trump contacted David Axelrod in June and asked “to be put in charge of the operation in the gulf to seal the oil leak.” (Haha, he wanted to “fire” all of the sea creatures, probably, and watch as they burst into flames. Because that’s what happens when you mix fire and oil-soaked dead baby dolphins.) Anyway, historians tell us that Donald Trump was not put in charge of butt-plugging the oil leak, because Obama knew that would have been an impeachable offense. In a different embarrassing exchange, Donald told Axelrod, “I will build you, free of charge, one of the great ballrooms of the world.” Yes, he wanted to build the White House a ballroom that would “cost maybe $100 million,” completely for free. Aww. Donald Trump is a schizophrenic. [WaPo] Read more on Trump Asked For White House Job, Wanted To Build Obama a Ballroom… Read more on Trump Asked For White House Job, Wanted To Build Obama a Ballroom…
  it's morning in america

Brain-Dead Donald Suggests Obama Was Too Stupid To Go To Harvard

Teevee’s hairless harlequin Donald Trump is angry at Barack Obama and Robert De Niro, for some reason. (We all know why The Donald is furious at Obama — no birdcertificate — but De Niro? He said something obvious and uncontroversial, like “Donald Trump should shut his pie-hole and die.”) That is a lot of anger! And now Trump will probably send his private investigators to RottenTomatoes.com, to give Robert lots of nasty reviews. But here’s the juiciest new Donald scoop: Obama was a lousy student, and probably cheated his way into Harvard! “I have friends who have smart sons with great marks, great boards, great everything and they can’t get into Harvard,” explained Trump. “How does a bad student [Barack Obama!] go to Columbia and then to Harvard? I’m thinking about it, I’m certainly looking into it. Let him show his records.” Oh gawd oh gawd oh gawd. Meanwhile, serious journalists are wondering if Trump’s “brand” will benefit from a presidential run. Keep asking the tough questions, guys! [LAT] Read more on Brain-Dead Donald Suggests Obama Was Too Stupid To Go To Harvard… Read more on Brain-Dead Donald Suggests Obama Was Too Stupid To Go To Harvard…
  it's morning in america

Happy ‘BP Destroyed the Gulf of Mexico Forever’ Day!

Good morning, dead baby dolphins! It’s hard to believe that today marks the first anniversary of the Gulf of Mexico being poisoned forever. Does anyone even remember what the Gulf was like before murdered sea creatures started washing up on the beaches? Or what little children used to play with and get cancer from before there were “tar balls”? (Find out the answers to these important questions on the next episode of “Modern Marvels: The Tar Ball”!) One thing that hasn’t changed at all since last year is that our country’s awful politicians are still spewing the same, tired bullshit — DRILL, DEAD BABY DOLPHIN, DRILL — even though the price of oil has absolutely nothing to do with (alleged) production shortages. MoJo has an excellent piece on why you should still be angry (“join Facebook groups”) about Tony Hayward getting his life back. Now go forth and smoke your marijuana cigarettes, etc. [No link in honor of Hitler’s birthday] Read more on Happy ‘BP Destroyed the Gulf of Mexico Forever’ Day!… Read more on Happy ‘BP Destroyed the Gulf of Mexico Forever’ Day!…
  it's morning in america

GOP Hacks: Donald Trump ‘Makes Our Loins Tingle’ (Paraphrase)

Republican Party officials from all over the world are eager to see Donald Trump run for president, because “he’s got people fired up” and “more and more people are talking about [the thing on his head].” Polls show that voters are attracted to Donald Trump, especially since he calls non-white people “the blacks.” But that’s not all! As President, Donald Trump will use Google Maps to locate the condo in Kenya where Barack Obama was born. How is Obama supposed to compete with a populist platform like that? This news article claims Americans don’t even notice “mainstream” candidates like “Mitt Romney,” except when they see him in a Brooks Brothers catalog, modeling a pair of handsomepants. Anyway! Trump/Bachmann 2012, just as the Ancient Mexicans predicted. [AP] Read more on GOP Hacks: Donald Trump ‘Makes Our Loins Tingle’ (Paraphrase)… Read more on GOP Hacks: Donald Trump ‘Makes Our Loins Tingle’ (Paraphrase)…
  oh well

America About As Awful As Ever

Here are just a few reasons why you should move to the Moon as soon as possible: Predictable asshole Scott Walker has threatened to fire public employees if his famous union-busting bill remains tied up in court. Meanwhile, Barack Obama is frantically Zeppelin-bombing brown people all over the world, for Freedom — and our trillion-dollar deficit woes will soon be over, once we stop wasting federal money on “food for children from low-income families.” Habeas corpus has now been suspended for almost ten years, so if you haven’t paid your taxes yet you will be raped by the CIA, in Lithuania. (We miss the “good old days,” when at least you could masturbate to the dirty, dirty lies about how great Our Nation is — since they usually came out of Dana Perino’s tender, post-911 mouth-hole on C-SPAN Live, so you could fap in real time.) Never Forget. Read more on America About As Awful As Ever…