alvin greene
Many moons ago, as the days grew short and the air thick with the cold of autumn’s decline, Alvin Greene was allegedly witnessing the act of human reproduction. He then turned to a fellow human and showed her this example of how humans come to be. And now a South Carolina grand jury, out of [...]
ALVIN GREENE REVEALS THE TRUE NATURE OF THE T-SHIRT DAO: The following tale is what Alvin Greene news has been reduced to these days, as the wise man has withdrawn before he’s elected in November. A South Carolinian named Owen Clary printed up 500 t-shirts that say “We don’t make these things up!” over an [...]
Colorado Democrat Andrew Romanoff is having trouble raising money for his Senate primary campaign against Sen. Michael Bennet, so he decided to go the “desperate homeless man making bad decisions” route, as he sold his house and gave to his campaign the $325,000 he got out of it. “I’m never home anyway,” Romanoff said. And [...]
The New York Times cheerily announced the death of all our hopes and dreams today by announcing that Alvin Greene “is now out with his first campaign video.” Perhaps leaving his home and talking with voters in person could be forgiven by his superiors at the Daoist monastery, but surely producing a slick hip-hop video [...]
America’s first Alvin Greene “action dolls” were unveiled over the weekend, thanks to the combined powers of Alvin Greene’s all-powerful mind and the Charleston RiverDogs minor-league baseball team. Together, they are saving the American economy one bobble at a time. Problem is, neither Greene nor South Carolina’s political establishment likes the doll –a golden, male [...]
Jedi master Alvin Greene has destroyed his political opposition by not destroying his political opposition, and has accomplished more by simply sitting in peace and mindfulness than the most powerful campaign machine has accomplished with the usual clumsy blunt force tactics of “fund raising” and “advertising.” But who is the bigger fool? The fool, or [...]
The latest fundraising figures are in (and by “in,” we mean somebody called Alvin), and it appears a thousand dollars have come to Alvin Greene so far in his lack of a campaign. That’s 1/3500 the amount his opponent Jim DeMint has actively raised, which is an action out of step with The Way. It’s [...]
Despite Ernest J. Pagels, Jr.’s brilliant campaign against homosexuality, abortion, and pornography, the Wisconsin GOP Convention endorsed “Oshkosh businessman” (the place or the child overalls?) Ron Johnson. This afternoon the DSCC e-mailed us a press release letting us know that Ron Johnson owns stock in evil oil spiller British Petroleum. This is supposed to make [...]
The U.S. Senate’s soon-to-be first Daoist monk Alvin Greene has been cleared in the South Carolina Law Enforcement Division’s (SLED) investigation into his finances, as was his destiny. As we’ve long suspected, $10,440 simply came into his possession and, with Greene having no need for such worldly things, the money became the first step in [...]
Beloved Wonkette star Alvin Greene reached a higher plane of existence this week, learning to reproduce via binary fusion, resulting in a series of plastic automatons and a unique, more born-again approximation of our #1 Democrat. The Wonkette bathhouse welcomed a brand new columnist to our wet sauna. Sarah Palin assembled a slideshow on her [...]
Alvin Greene Mania has swept Britain! Today The Guardian has their very own profile of one British reporter’s pilgrimage to the hovel of South Carolina Daoist monk Alvin Greene. It is accompanied by a nice photo of Greene talking on the phone with your Wonkette (probably) while he’s writing koans with a simple pencil. The [...]
Today the AP has a story about Greene (who, you will remember, is the South Carolina Democratic candidate for U.S. Senate and a practicing Daoist monk) with the BIG REVEAL that he was nicknamed “Turtle” in high school, according to his tennis coach, because yes, Alvin Greene was the only black kid on the high [...]
Earlier this afternoon your next Junior Senator from South Carolina, Alvin Greene, announced right here on Wonkette (EXTRA SUPER EXCLUSIVE MUST CREDIT) that he has made a campaign website, alvingreeneforussenator.com. (Or rather, a campaign website came to be.) Is it “good”? Any political professional would probably say no. Yet the website reflects the candidate: modest, [...]
