Tag Archives: alvin greene

  the way we were

Hey, Remember When Jack Stuef Almost Broke Your Wonkette? Good Times. By Jack Stuef

This website still exists. It’s a political weblog, known for “rounding up” the day’s Internet news pages and offering unique “online-only” points-of-view on the Beltway’s goings-on. Someone should have taken a photo of it and placed it within the text of “Chapter 12: Surfing Out Into the World Wide Web” in the American history file of a child’s Google-branded textbook viewing glasses. And yet it is still being updated, here, in 2014! And thriving! And doing interesting things! It is a strange phenomenon for many reasons, not the least of which is that I sort of almost destroyed it a few years ago, when I regarded a person as he should not be regarded. Rereading today some of the Facebook messages I received around that time was not a pleasant experience. A bunch of people, for a period of about 72 hours or so in 2011, knew me to be a terrible human being, and had some pretty damning evidence in support of this view. Some of them even wished me to be dead! I am not dead at this time. Read more on Hey, Remember When Jack Stuef Almost Broke Your Wonkette? Good Times. By Jack Stuef…
  I said good day sir...good day!

Jim DeMint Has Had Enough Of Your Stupid Senate

South Carolina Sen. Jim DeMint (R-R’lyeh) announced that he will resign his U.S. Senate seat in January to become president of the Heritage Foundation. Sen. DeMint, just two years into his second term, will be trading “public service” (i.e., shaping policy to funnel government resources to contributors) for a “position in the private sector” (i.e., lobbying to get policy shaped to funnel government resources to contributors). “I’m leaving the Senate now, but I’m not leaving the fight. I’ve decided to join The Heritage Foundation at a time when the conservative movement needs strong leadership in the battle of ideas,” DeMint said in a statement. Liberal bloggers nationwide groaned at the “battle of ideas” metaphor, knowing that they would thereby be forced to invoke the “unarmed opponent” cliché. Curse you, Jim DeMint! Read more on Jim DeMint Has Had Enough Of Your Stupid Senate…
  Ghost in the Voting Machine

Election 2012: Be Afraid. Be Very Afraid

Here is your Halloween Horror Story Scary Post! Victoria Collier has a terrifying account of electoral spookiness in the current Harper’s Magazine.* Spoiler alert: Collier suggests that it is entirely possible that the GOP will be able to rig computerized voting machines to ensure that Mitt Romney wins the Presidency…and further, there’s no way to tell for sure whether a Romney victory is the result of a legitimate vote count, or out-and-out electronic fraud. This is one of those stories where you can’t help wondering just how paranoid to be. On the one hand, Collier has solid evidence that something nasty could be happening in the computer shed. On the other hand, there’s no definite proof that it has happened…just lots and lots of suspicious maybe-traces. And nobody wants to be relegated to the tinfoil-hat brigade, which feels like the near-certain result of insisting that there’s a big ol’ conspiracy out there. Read more on Election 2012: Be Afraid. Be Very Afraid…
  out of many one

Alvin Greene Delivers Ultimate Daoist Lesson On Letting Go

This afternoon your editor, who first interviewed South Carolina’s only ever black U.S. Senate candidate last summer, called up Alvin Greene and asked for the Daoist monk’s perspective on saying goodbye when it’s difficult to let go. Greene’s response? Read more on Alvin Greene Delivers Ultimate Daoist Lesson On Letting Go…
  the way confounds

Stunning Enlightenment of Alvin Greene Renders CNN Incapable of Doing Math

Surprise candidate Alvin Greene was soundly defeated in his second bid for elective office on Tuesday. He captured only 37 votes or just about .01% of the 3,892 cast in a Democratic primary to fill a state legislature seat to cover an area including his hometown of Manning, South Carolina. Read more on Stunning Enlightenment of Alvin Greene Renders CNN Incapable of Doing Math…
  more man than us

The Year In Lovable Crazy Longshot Midterm Candidates

This year, we saw some stellar legitimate candidates for Congress who were crazy and won their party’s nomination, such as Sharron Angle and Christine O’Donnell. But there were also some other, more mentally unstable longshot candidates. These candidates brought interesting new personalities and ideas to the fore, such as the notion of traffic-stop slavery, that had been grossly ignored by the media. They may not have had political connections, jobs, or any campaign organization to speak of. But their faith in the democratic process and the marketplace of ideas gave us hope. And funny YouTube videos. Read more on The Year In Lovable Crazy Longshot Midterm Candidates…
  it's morning in america

The Eternal Void To Make Alvin Greene SC State House Representative

Word is spread through the land that the Daoist master of South Carolina, Alvin Greene, is running for a special election to the South Carolina state House. But try to tell that to him. “The filing closes next week and that’s when everybody finds out who has filed,” he explained in one of his cosmic jokes. The media thinks it can predict the actions of an unmoved mover, but it cannot. It tries to capture and control the manifestations of The Way, or “news,” but great leaders are barely noticed. Some would say that Greene has greater name identification now, an advantage in sudden elections such as this. The Master arrives without leaving, sees the light without looking, and achieves without doing a thing. Will Alvin Greene ever leave his hovel? Unlikely. But we have a feeling South Carolina will find itself suddenly and strangely revitalized. [The State] Read more on The Eternal Void To Make Alvin Greene SC State House Representative… Read more on The Eternal Void To Make Alvin Greene SC State House Representative…
  limitless vessel

Senate Candidates Who Received Fewer Votes Than Alvin Greene Yesterday

Presented without commentary, here are some of the Senate candidates who received fewer votes than Alvin Greene did yesterday, according to the most current AP numbers: Senator Harry Reid: 361,655 Senator-elect Mike Lee: 360,050 Alvin Greene: 358,069 Sharron Angle: 320,996 Senator Mike Crapo: 318,468 Senator-elect Joe Manchin: 281,661 Senator Blanche Lincoln: 280,167 Senator John Thune: 227,903 Senator Daniel Inouye: 276,867 Senator-elect Kelly Ayotte: 265,967 Senator-elect John Hoeven: 181,409 Senator-elect Chris Coons: 173,900 Senator Patrick Leahy: 145,486 Senator Lisa Murkowski (Total Write-In): 81,876 Joe Miller: 68,288 Read more on Senate Candidates Who Received Fewer Votes Than Alvin Greene Yesterday…
  ye shall not suffer a witch

Delaware Republicans Get Their Own Alvin Greene, But With Witchcraft

Sometimes we actually read the Politico “Morning Score” email (we know, we know) and today there’s a funny secret GOP-to-Politico communication within the usual pile of conventional wisdom and links to Politico stories. About nutty fraud Christine O’Donnell’s miraculous win last night, a “Republican reader” (Karl Rove) asked, “Is this what S.C. Dems felt like when they got Alvin Greene?” Ha ha, we guess, but at least Democrats like black people (in theory). Read more on Delaware Republicans Get Their Own Alvin Greene, But With Witchcraft…
  not displaying the beautiful prevents desire

Yep, Alvin Greene Asked Your Wonkette To Make Him a Website

When one reads the subject line “From Alvin Greene’s advisors,” one is startled. What’s it like to receive an e-mail from the ten thousand things? How does one read a message written by the wind? But we were a bit disappointed: It was merely Donna Warren, Alvin’s on-again, off-again consulting firm lady, writing us. “I saw on your website that you’d like to be the official webmaster for Alvin Greene.” What? Oh yeah, sometimes we write jokes like, “Looks like his site is still down. Perhaps if we call him, he will let Wonkette be his official website.” And then they come true. Read more on Yep, Alvin Greene Asked Your Wonkette To Make Him a Website…
  mr. popular

Mitch McConnell Announces He Will Be Senate Party Leader 4 Life

HE HAS THE VOTES. In the musical that will be made about Mitch McConnell’s life, this will be one of the songs: “He Has the Votes.” It will be a neo-Negro-spiritual song. YES, Mitch McConnell said he’s already locked up the votes to keep his minority (MAJORITY?) leader job in the next Congress, so you journalists will have to find something else to ask Rand Paul about. Read more on Mitch McConnell Announces He Will Be Senate Party Leader 4 Life…
  all the flourishing things

Alvin Greene Dances With the Rhythm of 1,000 Babbling Brooks

Does it even matter that that Alvin Greene rap video obviously had nothing to do with his campaign? No. The line between Alvin Greene and the rest of the universe isn’t so clearly defined. The unmoved is the source of all movement, and for this reason, we have video of Alvin Greene dancing in the studio of a Charlotte radio show. Charlotte? Is Alvin running for Senate from North Carolina too? He is, and he is not. Read more on Alvin Greene Dances With the Rhythm of 1,000 Babbling Brooks…
  Wage war by being crafty

Alvin Greene’s Violent Entourage Causes Chaos At S.C. Restaurant

Alvin Greene has so far waged a mostly peaceful campaign in his quest to defeat Jim DeMint and become South Carolina’s next senator. But the savage bellowing he directed at various members of the media may indicate that he plans to change tactics, and a recent incident in Oconee County is bringing his new plans into better focus. If the scuffle that one of his vicious enforcers instigated in a restaurant is any indication, he may be exchanging Lao Tzu’s Daoist teachings for Sun Tzu’s Art of War. Will any of his enemies still be alive at the end of the inevitable murderous rampage? Probably not. Read more on Alvin Greene’s Violent Entourage Causes Chaos At S.C. Restaurant…
  wonkette's weekly review of the week that was

Remembering Our Fallen Week: In the Muslin Fashion

The Cordoba Victory Party Mosque continued to inspire America’s best passions all over our xenophobic idiot-state, even after our own Muslim president cowardly came out in favor of its “constitutional” right to exist. Read more on Remembering Our Fallen Week: In the Muslin Fashion…
  also don't show porn to girls in the computer lab

Alvin Greene Has Some Daoist Back-To-School Advice

When last we saw Alvin Greene, he was bellowing incoherently at local reporters, which might lead you to believe that he has lost his mind and/or rejects all media attention now — but that is not the case! In fact, he seems to have had a friendly chat (or maybe an email exchange, or maybe he just shouted his answers through the windows of his house) with the Charleston City Paper, in which he offered some advice for South Carolinian kids headed for college. Alvin draws on his own experience as a University of South Carolina grad and, of course, on the Daoist philosophy that underlies his political worldview. Read more on Alvin Greene Has Some Daoist Back-To-School Advice…
  kindred spirits holla back

Alvin Greene Vents a Mighty Manful Rage At the Media

It’s tough right now being Alvin Greene, with the world not understanding the Daoist philosophical foundations for his supposed porn-showing offense. Of course, the universal Way cannot be pushed off course, but even someone fully aligned with it can feel the strain, now and again, of the pressures of this world. You may have heard a rumor that Alvin Greene reacted to a visit from a reporter by “wailing” or “howling” or doing any one of a number of undignified things. But we think that you’ll find, once you’ve assessed the evidence with your own senses, that something very different is going on. Read more on Alvin Greene Vents a Mighty Manful Rage At the Media…
  beyond the gate of experience flows the Way

Alvin Greene Finally Indicted On Porn Charge

Many moons ago, as the days grew short and the air thick with the cold of autumn’s decline, Alvin Greene was allegedly witnessing the act of human reproduction. He then turned to a fellow human and showed her this example of how humans come to be. And now a South Carolina grand jury, out of touch with the Dao, has finally indicted Greene for this simple act. Do the people of South Carolina realize that what Alvin Greene had on his computer is the most pivotal experience of our existence? Read more on Alvin Greene Finally Indicted On Porn Charge…
  earthly possessions

ALVIN GREENE REVEALS THE TRUE NATURE OF THE T-SHIRT DAO: The following tale is what Alvin Greene news has been reduced to these days, as the wise man has withdrawn before he’s elected in November. A South Carolinian named Owen Clary printed up 500 t-shirts that say “We don’t make these things up!” over an outline of the state. And he sent one of them to Alvin Greene as a joke. The Way’s response: “Clary says he got a package in return a week later. Inside was a green T-shirt that reads ‘Greene Senate.'” Tolerant, he seemed to be part of the world; towering alone, he could be checked by nothing; withdrawn, he seemed to prefer to cut himself off; bemused, he forgot what he was going to say. Therefore his liking was one and his not liking was one. His being one was one and his not being one was one. [AP] Read more on …
  hobo names

Andrew Romanoff Sells House To Fund Campaign, Hopes To Be America’s First Homeless Senator

Colorado Democrat Andrew Romanoff is having trouble raising money for his Senate primary campaign against Sen. Michael Bennet, so he decided to go the “desperate homeless man making bad decisions” route, as he sold his house and gave to his campaign the $325,000 he got out of it. “I’m never home anyway,” Romanoff said. And you will never be home ever again, Romanoff, as you will spend the rest of your days turning tricks in seedy Colorado ski resorts after you lose. Read more on Andrew Romanoff Sells House To Fund Campaign, Hopes To Be America’s First Homeless Senator…
  this is our zapruder film

Official (???) Alvin Greene Ad Takes On Porn Charges, Is Insanely Catchy

The New York Times cheerily announced the death of all our hopes and dreams today by announcing that Alvin Greene “is now out with his first campaign video.” Perhaps leaving his home and talking with voters in person could be forgiven by his superiors at the Daoist monastery, but surely producing a slick hip-hop video urging people to vote for him and releasing it on the Internet is incompatible with true oneness with the Way. But we here at Wonkette suspect that this video was not released by the Greene uncampaign at all! After the jump, we dismantle these patently false assertions from the so-called “paper of record” (plus we have the video itself, you must watch it, it is amazing). Read more on Official (???) Alvin Greene Ad Takes On Porn Charges, Is Insanely Catchy…