Tag Archives: Allen West

  wake up mr. west

Noted Cultural Critic Allen West Reviews Macklemore’s AMA Acceptance Speech, Gives It Two Thumbs Down

Did you watch the American Music Awards, America? Did you sink into a pit of existential gloom about the whole thing? Will you be more or less gloomy if we now have to talk about Allen West, the one-term Congresscritter from Florida who now just terrorizes us via his web site and Fox News? It doesn’t really matter how you feel, ’cause we’re gonna talk about him anyway because of how we’re mad with power. So Allen West watched the AMAs…Oh, who are we kidding. Allen West made some intern watch the AMAs with a specific eye towards finding something he could be poutraged about, hopefully of a hippity-hop-related variety, and Allen West did not have to beat that intern to death for failure, because the intern found A Thing to be mad at. Read more on Noted Cultural Critic Allen West Reviews Macklemore’s AMA Acceptance Speech, Gives It Two Thumbs Down…
  jerks

Total Taker Allen West Wanted Free Handouts From Makers, Because He Is A Bolshevik And Probably On Welfare

Remember last week, or this week probably, who even knows anymore Dok is on vacation and we are high on the pot, when we told you about Allen West’s hilarious new book, How To Shoot Guns Next To Detainees’ Heads And Influence People, or something? Well, a friendly tipster/artist/ne’er-do-well, one Mr. Brian J. Crowley, sent us in these nice emails from a lady working with Allen West on that dumb book, and guess what! Colonel West (R-esigned in disgrace to avoid court-martial) wanted to use artists’ work for free! That’s right. Allen West, defender of capitalism from the 80 communists in Congress, wanted to suck off the labor of others without compensation. We believe here in the good ol’ US of A, that is called slavery. I mean, it is right? Read more on Total Taker Allen West Wanted Free Handouts From Makers, Because He Is A Bolshevik And Probably On Welfare…
  Too Visible Man

The Cover Of Allen West’s New Book Is Terrific, We Can’t Wait To Laugh At The Mere Idea Of Reading It

Wow, how could this cover of Allen West’s probably terrible new book be any better? More eagles, maybe, like a live one excreting digested fish sludge on Allen West’s head. That’s good luck, we hear! Oh, it could be a Blingee! With pictures of guns and dancing aliens smoking marijuana, yes! Read more on The Cover Of Allen West’s New Book Is Terrific, We Can’t Wait To Laugh At The Mere Idea Of Reading It…
  hyperbole and a halfwit

Allen West Wishes Barack Obama Would Try Being More Black For A Change

Professional conservative victim Allen West took to Fox News yesterday to condemn the incredible insensitivity and unspeakable atrocity of a “despicable, demeaning, and disgusting” email by Florida congressman Alan Grayson that compared the Tea Party to the KKK. West, whose job is to condemn all liberals for mentioning racism until it’s time for him to proclaim himself the victim of a racist attack, recalled how terrified he was as a young black man growing up in the South, and wondered why civil rights leaders hadn’t condemned Grayson for his dumb hyperbole, because an exaggerated comparison of the Tea Party to the KKK is apparently exactly the same as the actual KKK burning a cross or bombing a church. Read more on Allen West Wishes Barack Obama Would Try Being More Black For A Change…
  go west...just go

Allen West Canned Or Something For Calling A Lady A Jew

Walking bucket of resentments Allen West is “leaving his job” at wingnut media concern PJ Media after getting shouty at a female staff member and calling her a “Jewish American Princess,” according to BuzzFeed. The internal PJ Media email that BuzzFeed got ahold of pretty much has “Comforting euphemism memo” written all over it: “In order to focus on political interests, Allen West will transition from his full-time role as director of programming for Next Generation.TV to a twice-a-month contributor of written commentary on PJMedia.com, effective October 1, 2013[.]” We bet they wish him every success in his future endeavors, too! Read more on Allen West Canned Or Something For Calling A Lady A Jew…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

A Children’s Treasury Of Derp: Your Weekend Roundup Of Dumbth

Welcome to another edition of our Derp Roundup, that collection of virtual floor sweepings that are too stoopid to completely ignore but not worth a full-length post. To start with, let’s give an Excellence In Trolling medal to the sometimes-funny Andy Borowitz, whose New Yorker piece this week was characteristically meh, but managed to fool a few people, including Stupidest Guest Blogger On the Internet Mara Zebest, over at Gateway Pundit, whose impassioned overreaction — “Obama is a thin-skinned man-child and the laughing stock of the world” — doesn’t really depend on the veracity of the source material anyway. After commenters pointed out that Borowitz is satire — and a commenter whined about Obama being elected by “low information voters who get their info from Hollywood and comedians” — Zebest pulled the article, but it’s preserved by the magic of Google cache. Thanks, internet! Wonkette wishes a speedy recovery to Jim Hoft, and is exploring the possibility of asking Andy Borowitz to run a story about the $3150 that Gateway Pundit owes us. Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Derp: Your Weekend Roundup Of Dumbth…
  can't something be done about these liberal race baiters?

Forget ‘White Hispanic'; Daily Caller, Fox, Find White Teen Who Is ‘Black’

So, you may have heard about the awful murder of an Australian baseball player by three teens in Duncan, Oklahoma. The killers more or less admitted to killing Chris Lane for the fun of it as he was out for a jog. It’s sick and disgusting. But what’s really outrageous, according to Fox & Friends, Fox Nation, WND, the Daily Caller, and former congresscritter Allen West, is the horrifying double standard of the national media and professional race-baiters like Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, and Barack Obama, because they aren’t treating this murder of a white man by three black teens as an outrage, like they did the shooting of Trayvon Martin. Oh, except one of the “three black teens” is white. Also, they were arrested and charged right away, not given a handshake and a “Good job standing your ground, dude!” by the police. Otherwise, the two killings are virtually identical. Read more on Forget ‘White Hispanic'; Daily Caller, Fox, Find White Teen Who Is ‘Black’…
  also your mom's a hoor

Allen West Says Allen West Never Scared Any White People Because His Mom Was Not A Whore

Following Barack Obama’s speech Friday on the Trayvon Martin killing, former Florida Rep. Allen West just wanted to clarify that America doesn’t have a racism problem, it has a scary black president problem: “I am a black male who grew up in the inner city of Atlanta and no one ever followed me in a mall. I don’t recall any doors clicking when I crossed the street. And I never had anyone clutching their handbag when I got on an elevator. I guess having two awesome parents who taught me to be a respectful young man paid dividends.” Read more on Allen West Says Allen West Never Scared Any White People Because His Mom Was Not A Whore…
  hint it is rick perry we would bone rick perry

Which Men On Politichicks’ ‘Hottest Conservatives’ List Would Your Wonkette Do Sex On?

Serious question, Wonkvilleins, because the conservative ladeez of “Politichicks” have put together a Conservative Men Swinging Dicks contest that for real includes Rush Limbaugh, Jonah Goldberg, Joseph Farah and Neil Cavuto, COME ON. (To be fair, those bloated piles of pig anus feature in subcategories like “New Media” and “Rush Limbaugh” and did not final.) But which hot men show enough #1. Intelligence. These guys are brilliant. #2. Courage. They aren’t afraid to stand up to challenges, speak the truth and fight for our country. #3: Passion (See above) #4: Sense of humor. Self-deprecating gets you extra points. #5: Looks. This can be either conventionally handsome or someone who simply exudes sexiness that we would actually want to get all nasty up in them? (Yes, in them. “Santorum” isn’t Dan Savage’s only neologism.) Read more on Which Men On Politichicks’ ‘Hottest Conservatives’ List Would Your Wonkette Do Sex On?…
  girls ruin everything

American Torture-Hero Allen West Not Really Buying This Whole ‘Military Rape’ Thing

Hey, here’s somebody we haven’t heard from in a while! Must be Bid For Relevance Week for losing GOP candidates! Retired Army colonel and failed Florida Rep. Allen West, whom you may remember from his unabashedly patriotic efforts to protect America from communist tyranny by pushing for the installation of a military junta. He’s back though, sputtering nonsense as a Fox News contributor — it was his only choice, really, since he lost his seat in the House to some accountant and is now too old to get paid for his only marketable job skill, murdering people. Oh, sure, there’s always “mall security guard,” but it’s just not the same. He was on Michael Savage’s radio show talking about the push for reform of the military’s sexual assault programs, which, given his experience, is actually, weirdly, an appropriate thing to ask him about. His response is both valuable and revealing: He discussed his opposition to removing commanders from the sexual assault investigation process, and in doing so, demonstrated exactly why we should be removing commanders from the sexual assault investigation process. ‘Cause, like, he’s a moron. Read more on American Torture-Hero Allen West Not Really Buying This Whole ‘Military Rape’ Thing…
  That Word Does Not Mean What You Think It Means

Victoria Jackson, Allen West Still Suffering From Wingnut Vocabulary Disorder

Hey, lissen up, guys, Michele Bachmann is being THREATENED and we need to PROTECT her! Darn it, no matter how much we disagree with someone, we certainly don’t want them to be threatened… So tell us more about these threats, former weakest member of the 1986-1992 SNL cast Victoria Jackson, on your sloppily formatted webpage: Sign this petition to keep Michele Bachmann in Congress. Ann Marie Murrell writes, “What’s the point of having a gov’t committee that tries to root out things like Islam in America if you’re not allowed to say, “They’re here!” without being threatened? Congresswoman Michele Bachmann has been one of the few American politicians who’s dared question our dealings with Islam worldwide. Instead of applauding her, people like John McCain denigrated and ridiculed her for speaking out. NOW, a radical group has given Speaker Boehner a petition with 178,000 signatures demanding the removal of Congresswoman Bachmann from the House Permanent Select Committee. Rep. Bachmann has been one of the only truth tellers on the committee–so what are they covering up now?? Such were the gentle murmurs of Ms. Jackson. How can one woman pack so much stupid into just 121 words? Read more on Victoria Jackson, Allen West Still Suffering From Wingnut Vocabulary Disorder…
  letters of note

Allen West Helping Raise Funds For Islam, What A Nice Guy

Last summer, then-as-yet-undefeated-congressman Allen West took his whirlwind American diplomacy tour to the Council on American Islamic Relations, which sent him a letter asking him to distance himself from the prominent Islamophobes he’d been palling around with. West, seeing an opportunity for prejudice-fueled grandstanding, sent a response to CAIR: It said, simply, “NUTS.” You may have forgotten this, on account of one asinine Allen West military reference kind of blends in with the rest. BUT! That letter, in addition to reminding us that literally anyone can get himself some congressional stationery if he appeals to the right Christians, is now doing some good: It’s raising money for CAIR, which will go toward either defending civil rights or building car bombs, depending on whom you ask. Maybe even both! Read more on Allen West Helping Raise Funds For Islam, What A Nice Guy…
  pantheon of fallen heroes

Allen West Finally Surrenders, Kills Political Comedy Forever

Let’s “open the kimono” here for a minute: Your Wonkette does not want this great nation of ours to be run by perverts and crazies; but, in another sense, your Wonkette needs this to be the case, because pervert/crazy politicians bring in the pageviews and associated ad moneys. That’s why the endless vote-recounting wackiness in Florida, in which Allen West was always losing but just close enough to demand further recounts, was a best-of-both-worlds situation for us: he wouldn’t be allowed to actually participate in the governing process, but he would stay in the spotlight and be ludicrous for our amusement. We even heard rumors that he was planning on showing up for work at the Capitol every day, and would get into fisticuffs with security guards, which would have been hilarious! But instead he just up and quit, like a little baby. Read more on Allen West Finally Surrenders, Kills Political Comedy Forever…
  pantheon of fallen heroes

Allen West Insists It’s Not Over, While Singing Fat Lady Tramples All Over Him (With Votes)

At long last, we just might maybe have a possibly-final result for the race for Florida’s 18th U.S. Congressional District. We think. As you may be aware, Florida does not have the most competent election system in the Union, which has led to a wee bit of uncertainty about whether wingnut torture-lover and Muslin-disliker Allen West has conclusively lost or not. See, the first vote count showed he was behind, but not enough for an automatic recount, so when West insisted on a recount, a judge said No Way, but then the St. Lucie County elections board said, OK, sure, we’ll recount… And then they failed to finish that recount in time for it to affect the election one way or the other, but maybe that makes no difference since the recount actually increased the lead for West’s opponent, Congressman-elect (probably) Patrick Murphy. As the New York Times essplains, Regardless, under Florida law, previously submitted results favoring Mr. Murphy will be certified unless an emergency exemption is granted by the state. So maybe this particular long national nightmare is over (?) Read more on Allen West Insists It’s Not Over, While Singing Fat Lady Tramples All Over Him (With Votes)…
  just winging it who cares

Broward County Once Again Sucks At Life, Finds 963 Ballots In Some Warehouse

We almost went a day without a “stupid Florida” story. Almost. In case you have already forgotten and moved on, there was an election eight days ago, and going into it everybody was quite fixated on a small number of states, Florida being one of them. As it turned out, Florida didn’t matter because Obama got 7 billion out of the required 270 electoral votes. And as that turned out, it was very lucky, because Florida didn’t finish counting its votes until the weekend after, by which time Romney had already canceled his campaign staff’s credit cards and gone home to wallow in his swimming pool full of gold coins. And as that turned out, it was quite lucky as well, because Broward County just found almost a thousand uncounted ballots sitting in a damn warehouse. Serendipity! Read more on Broward County Once Again Sucks At Life, Finds 963 Ballots In Some Warehouse…
  she won the toaster

Cool Florida Principal Investigates Straight Teacher For Turning Student Into Lesbian-Gay

Here is an incredibly stupid story for you! A teacher named Juliet Hibbs at Deerfield Beach High School in Broward County, Florida, was standing in her classroom one day, teaching some nonsense or other, who knows. (Because “Florida.”) As she stood there, she saw one of her students, an 18-year-old woman, slinking lower and lower in her chair. The student’s stepdad had found out she was gay, and was burning up her Twitter feed with doubtless warmhearted messages of love and support. (We all agree that young lady should not have been checking her Twitter during class, correct? Okay, good.) “As each message came, she got smaller … I watched her get destroyed,” Hibbs said, who reported the incident as child abuse and cyberbullying. Since the young woman was 18, an abuse counselor advised her she did not have to return home. Hmmm, what do we think happened next? Read more on Cool Florida Principal Investigates Straight Teacher For Turning Student Into Lesbian-Gay…
  jesus never asked for a day off

Prominent Florida Bigots Unite Against Holidays For Perverted, Evil, Terrorist-Cult Children

Today’s lesson in religious tolerance comes to us from Florida, where we are talking about Islam, so, just a heads up, today’s lesson is going to be awful. The request was to close Broward County schools for two Muslim holidays, the end of Ramadan and the end of Hajj, for the same reason that the schools close for Christian and Jewish holidays: Thousands of students aren’t in school on those days, to observe them. That does not sound so crazy, right? Especially considering there are 18,000 Muslim students — 7 percent of the student population— that it could affect? No! You are wrong! Turns out, we need the 82d Airborne to drop into South Florida RIGHT NOW, because it has been overrun by the Taliban. Read more on Prominent Florida Bigots Unite Against Holidays For Perverted, Evil, Terrorist-Cult Children…
  who's the job creator now jerks

A Children’s Treasury Of Job Applications For Defeated GOP Wingnuts

Oh, yeah, sure, say Obama “saved the economy” or whatever, and maybe unemployment is “on the way down,” by and large, if you’re into numbers or blah blah blah, but listen up, little Cleverpants you, because there are people who lost their jobs not two days ago. They are Republicans, booted out the door by an electorate that for some reason has a problem with politicians being completely off their gourds. They were not nice fellows (and yes, they are all fellows), and they had policies that were… not so great. And now they are unemployed, and sad. But this is America, where we encourage people to pull themselves up by their bootstraps! Take personal responsibility for themselves, and not be 47-percenters! We don’t have to worry about Unemployed Mitt Romney, as he can just crawl under his quilt of unreleased tax returns and whistle the days away, collecting dollars, but other Republicans may fall on hard times when their government paychecks don’t show up. We’ve found some jobs for them, to help them out of the slavery of government dependency. Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Job Applications For Defeated GOP Wingnuts…
  that's no lady that's my wife

What ‘Porn Star’ Sex Acts Did Extremely Normal Allen West Demand Of His Lady Wife?

Never let it be said that Your Wonkette is anything but sex-positive and pro-freaky-deakiness. But when it’s Allen West and he’s writing to his wife from Iraq right around the time he is having people beaten and then shooting guns next to their heads, and he is so weird and Allen West-like, well … here, let us read together Allen West’s sexxxy control fantasies, as it has been far too long since we purged. Read more on What ‘Porn Star’ Sex Acts Did Extremely Normal Allen West Demand Of His Lady Wife?…
  some jokes are serious

Allen West Does Hilarious Allen West Impression, Will Murder U.N. With Bald Eagle Of Death

Oh, man, Allen West gave us one helluva knee-slapper yesterday. The president addressed the United Nations, so logically West had to address Facebook. And he decided to give us a treat! Not only did he offer some commentary on the speech, but he also did a rip-roaring impression of himself that is such a good joke we only need to give it to you. Allen West’s proposed revision to Obama’s U.N. address: “The future does not belong to those who attack our Embassies and Consulates and kill our Ambassadors. The Angel of Death in the form of an American Bald Eagle will visit you and wreak havoc and destruction upon your existence.” Take THAT, diplomacy! Read more on Allen West Does Hilarious Allen West Impression, Will Murder U.N. With Bald Eagle Of Death…
  well somebody has to uncrucify him

Stand Up For God By Giving Allen West Your Money

Remember when we told you about how the DNC delegates did that voice vote about putting God and Jerusalem in the platform, and the mayor of Los Angeles just made up the results, and then it kind of looked like the Democrats were booing God? Don’t worry, somebody noticed. Though the stupid fake voice vote is pretty much meaningless, Rep. Allen West (R-Kabul) specializes in stupid fake things that are pretty much meaningless (see: 18th-century treaties). “Dems deny God 3 times. Allen is leading our fight against the radical left,” his campaign posted on Facebook. And then, the most predictable of campaign imperatives: “Donate.” And there’s even a fancy graphic! So all your Facebook friends will know that you have Defended God with your Holy Pile Of Campaign Cash. Read more on Stand Up For God By Giving Allen West Your Money…
  the end of racism

Romney Campaign Announces Its Perfunctory Black Outreach Thingy

Are you black, and a Republican? Congratulations! Oh, you didn’t hear? You’ve just been named to the Romney campaign’s Black Leadership Council. Your duty: to say the exact same Republican talking points as everyone else, while being black. Now since the polls show Romney earning the support of a whole 0% of the African American vote, some might say that the party already maxed out its support among this particular demographic. And since the Republican party has successfully disenfranchised 100% of African American voters in the United States, it’s hard to see many additional converts in the offing. Just keep it from falling into negative territory, please! Good? Okay, now go away… Read more on Romney Campaign Announces Its Perfunctory Black Outreach Thingy…