Tag Archives: Allen West

  don't wanna think about allen west's discharge

Allen West Tortured Iraqi Cop, Avoided Court-Martial, Kept Pension. Hey, It’s Not Like He Was Gay

Hey, remember Allen West? He’s this guy who negotiated “retiring” from the Army instead of getting court-martialed for torturing an Iraqi cop, and then ran on an “Iraqi cop-torturing” platform all the way to the US House of Representatives. Well, he not only got to avoid up to 11 years in the pokey, while serving the bath-salt sniffers of Florida in the People’s House, he also got to keep his sweet-ass Army-guy pension, fuck yeh! Of course, Allen West’s pension is for a good cause (Allen West), while other people’s pensions, for instance, the (non-) pensions of gay and lesbian servicemembers who were discharged before Satan Barack Obama the United States Congress said, “hey Army, stop dishonorably discharging all the queers and bulldaggers,” those are BAD PENSIONS, and the queers and bulldaggers SHOULD NOT HAVE THEM. Let’s learn more fun facts about “discharges” from Allen West, who once “discharged” a bullet next to an Iraqi cop’s head! (Hahaha, after having his four buddies beat the man on the “head and body,” funtimes good times yay.) Read more on Allen West Tortured Iraqi Cop, Avoided Court-Martial, Kept Pension. Hey, It’s Not Like He Was Gay…
  leave no soldier behind...unless obama hugs his dad

Allen West Pretty Sure Bowe Bergdahl’s Dad Made The White House A Mosque

OMG you guys! Disgraced former torturer Allen West, super-patriot and Muslim-Hunter extraordinaire, has been tipped off to some earth-shattering proof of Muslim perfidy and scary creeping — or galloping! — sharia law! After spending the weekend calling Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl a “deserter” and hinting that there’s something “nefarious” about his release from the Taliban, and about Bergdahl’s father, Bob Bergdahl (who apparently doesn’t hate Muslims enough at all), West has revealed a “bombshell”: Bob Bergdahl spoke Arabic at the White House! Not only that, but he pretty much made the White House a holy Muslim shrine by doing that, according to a very smart person who emailed Allen West. Read more on Allen West Pretty Sure Bowe Bergdahl’s Dad Made The White House A Mosque…
  the people that you meet each day

Allen West Heard About Benghazi From A Guy On A Plane Who Knew A Guy, And That’s What I Call ‘Q.E.D.’

Allen West knows the truth about Benghazi, because he was on an airplane and a guy told him he knew a guy who was there, and that the CIA had been told to stand down, and also people are being threatened, and there was a drawing of schematics, impeach Obama QED. Today as I returned from Detroit, I had a moment that I truly felt was God sent, as I don’t believe in coincidences. It happened on one of my flights, and it was two hours I will never forget. I was in the bar at a Columbus, Ohio, Radisson once, taking turns dancing with two hot best friend guys, one black and one white, and they were both like 6’4, and they were beer truck drivers, and it was the best night ever. I was seated beside someone who personally knew one of the men who was there on the roof in Benghazi. This person was excited to share with me the “ground truth” of what happened September 11, 2012. After I finished dancing with the two hot guy best friends, I met their other buddy, who had just gotten back from Iraq, and he told me that Halliburton (or KBR, I forget) was sending out empty supply caravans so they could pad their measly undecillion-dollar income. Read more on Allen West Heard About Benghazi From A Guy On A Plane Who Knew A Guy, And That’s What I Call ‘Q.E.D.’…
  loyalty oaf

Torture Hero Allen West Just Asking If Legless Vet Congresswoman Tammy Duckworth Is ‘Loyal’ Is All

American torture hero and semiemployed former congressjerk Allen West is very, very concerned about this “Tammy Duckworth” person having agreed to be on the Big BenghaziPalooza Special Committee, because how can Americans be sure she actually loves America, and is not some kind of legless traitor like Max Cleland? Read more on Torture Hero Allen West Just Asking If Legless Vet Congresswoman Tammy Duckworth Is ‘Loyal’ Is All…
  insanity is just a state of mind

Phoenix V.A. Hospital Mess May Prove Actual Distraction From Benghazi

There’s just nothing funny about the incredible clusterfuck unfolding at the Phoenix Veterans Administration Hospital (autoplay video at link), where as many as 40 vets may have died while waiting to get care, and it also appears that administrators tried to cover up the mess by shredding files and faking records to hide the delays in providing services. You’ve got some people calling for the resignation of Veterans Affairs Secretary Eric Shinseki; the House Committee on Veterans Affairs has subpoenaed communications related to the mess, and Shinseki has ordered an audit of every VA health facility to find out if Phoenix is an outlier or the tip of a very bad iceberg. So instead of trying to find funny, maybe we’ll just settle for pissed off? Read more on Phoenix V.A. Hospital Mess May Prove Actual Distraction From Benghazi…
  fox news unamerican committee strikes again

Allen West, Fox & Friends Expose Muslim Plot To Jihad America With Votes

You guys, there is some serious UN-AMERICAN activity happening, and we bet you don’t know about it! According to Allen West on Fox & Friends, there is a secret Muslim plot in America to… wait for it… become politically organized in order to push for policies that are more friendly towards Muslims. Now is the appropriate time to FREAK THE FUCK OUT. Seriously, freak out, dammit. What’s wrong with you? Why aren’t you freaking out! Did you not click on that video? Did you not see the graphic of “Islamic Extremism on the Rise,” with totally not-racist pictures of men in turbans wielding rocket-launchers? This threat will ruin American civilization and likely cause the death of all kittens, because it is THAT BAD. If your hands aren’t shaking too much, let’s scaresplore this threat to life, liberty, and religious freedom the American way.  Read more on Allen West, Fox & Friends Expose Muslim Plot To Jihad America With Votes…
  the crass and the spurious

Allen West’s New Book-Shaped Object Full Of Slavery And Fake Founding Fathers Quotes

Allen West’s terrible new book is finally out, although the cover photo has been kicking around since November. Frankly, when we saw articles about West’s “new book” we thought maybe this was a rushed sequel. But no, it just turns out that West’s exciting memoirfesto, Guardian of the Republic: An American Ronin’s Journey to Faith, Family and Freedom, only slithered onto bookstore shelves on April 1. Somehow, the anticipation between the release of the cover image and the actual collection of typed pages managed not to kill us. So now that the rough beast has slouched into Amazon, what is in this tome? Would you believe “fake quotes from the Founding Fathers” and “stupid slavery analogies”? We bet you would! Read more on Allen West’s New Book-Shaped Object Full Of Slavery And Fake Founding Fathers Quotes…
  bang-banghazi

Allen West Explains How Crimea Made Obama Do The Fort Hood Shootings

See if you can follow the logic on this one, kids: On Fox’s Hannity Wednesday night, automated mobile grievance unit Allen West suggested that the Fort Hood shootings were the inevitable result of Barack Obama’s failure to recognize that America has international enemies. Now, by the time the program aired, it was pretty clear that Ivan Lopez wasn’t connected to any terrorist group, but why not drag terrorism into the equation anyway? “If your only tool is a hammer,” and you’re a tool yourself, etc. Hannity asked the disgraced former torturer if Fort Hood resulted from forgetting that there’s evil in this bad old world: Let me go to the big picture about combatting evil in our time and this goes back to “man-caused disasters, overseas contingency operations,” that Major Hasan was “workplace violence.” Have we gotten too far away from 9/11 that we don’t remember the impact of that day? We’re frankly rather surprised he didn’t shoehorn Benghazi in there, too. Read more on Allen West Explains How Crimea Made Obama Do The Fort Hood Shootings…
  welcome to the terrordome

Allen West Will Be Haunted By The Horror Of The Coca-Cola Superbowl Ad For The Rest Of His Life

Did you watch Super Sportsball Spectacular yesterday? Were you rooting for the Broncos? If so, you are probably not reading this because you committed ritual suicide after that game. Those of you who remain are still watching wingnut heads explode over the goddamn gall of Coca-Cola to have a commercial that had many different languages. Read more on Allen West Will Be Haunted By The Horror Of The Coca-Cola Superbowl Ad For The Rest Of His Life…
  the timecube candidate

Watch Out, Florida: ‘Satirist’ Hopes To Win Allen West’s Former District

Voters in Florida’s 18th Congressional District face a difficult decision in August — should they try to find a viable Republican candidate to face Patrick Murphy, who defeated Allen West in 2012, or should they try this guy: Ilya Katz, a self-described “political refugee of the Soviet Union” who claims to have spent “ten years in Siberian hard labor concentration camp” for his cutting satires against Leonid Brezhnev. And who knows, maybe he did! His bio page also says that after escaping the USSR for Chicago, he worked as a “full time knight watchman and part time professor at Loyola University, Columbia College and Central YMCA College,” where he “lectured on social and political topics concerning socialism and a way to endure in a totalitarism society.” We haven’t done any digging on those claims, but standing on top of a planter and shouting at passing students does count as “lecturing,” doesn’t it? He is not worried about his lack of formal credentials, because as he points out, “Noah’s Ark was built by an amateur, the Titanic was built by professionals.” He also ran against Debbie Wasserman-Schultz in 2012, and managed to get 3124 votes. He is, in short, a “character,” and so it should go without saying that he wins Wonkette’s endorsement. Read more on Watch Out, Florida: ‘Satirist’ Hopes To Win Allen West’s Former District…
  Show Us On The Doll Where Colin Powell Disgraced Himself

Disgraced Torturer Allen West Can No Longer Heart Disgraced Colin Powell Now That’s He’s A Total Commie

Remember when General Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Secretary of State Colin Powell was awesome (Powell Doctrine) and then he wasn’t awesome (bullshit “testimony” at the United Nations about “WMD”) and then he was sort of awesome (endorsing Obama) and then he became a total dirty Nazi Marxist hippie commie from Commiestan because he said this Commie thing? “I think universal health care is one of the things we should really be focused on, and I hope that will happen,” Powell said. “Whether it’s Obamacare, or son of Obamacare, I don’t care. As long as we get it done.” Well, former Rep. Allen West (R-Torturer), someone who knows an awful lot about being a disgrace because he is a disgrace his own self and it takes one to know one, we guess, is none too pleased that Powell drank the ObamaHitlercare Koolaid and has become — for the first time ever! — a disgrace. Read more on Disgraced Torturer Allen West Can No Longer Heart Disgraced Colin Powell Now That’s He’s A Total Commie…
  neither good nor original

Allen West’s ‘EPA Is Doing Gun Control’ Column Isn’t Just Loony, Tin-Foil-Hatty, It’s Also Very Plagiarized

There’s just no end of wingnutty goodness in Allen West’s weekend column claiming that the Obama administration is out to Kill Freedom (again) by “forcing” the closure of the only lead smelting plant in the U.S. in 2010. There’s the beautiful opening: I am one who steers very clear of tinfoil hat conspiracy theories. I often believe progressives plant stories in order to distract and disrupt, enabling them to pursue their true goals and objectives … However, as a former combat commander, I have been trained to look for trends. And I believe we’ve found a very disturbing one. Ooh, does it involve torturing prisoners? That’s a scary trend. No, it seems that the trend is that “back door gun control is in full effect in the United States,” courtesy of the EPA, which forced that smelter in Missouri to close by tightening restrictions on the amount of lead residue the plant could emit. The company chose to close the smelter rather than install new pollution control equipment. And since lead is needed to manufacture Freedom Bullets, it’s pretty obvious that the closure has nothing to do with environmental protection, and everything to do with killing the Second Amendment, so that “all ammo has to be purchased from the government instituting an ammo registration,” says West, because that is a very non-tinfoil-hat conspiracy theory. Oh, and then there’s this, too: large chunks of West’s editorial are lifted from an October 29 column by Terresa Monroe-Hamilton* published at NoisyRoom.net and crossposted at Right Wing News. If the example of Rand Paul is any model, this is probably a cue for bloggers to start firing up the Google machine to search phrases from Mr. West’s other “writings.” No problem, though — just as it offered Rand Paul a home, Dead Breitbart’s Frothing Wingnut Shelter also reprinted West’s column. That isn’t entirely by him. Read more on Allen West’s ‘EPA Is Doing Gun Control’ Column Isn’t Just Loony, Tin-Foil-Hatty, It’s Also Very Plagiarized…
  wake up mr. west

Noted Cultural Critic Allen West Reviews Macklemore’s AMA Acceptance Speech, Gives It Two Thumbs Down

Did you watch the American Music Awards, America? Did you sink into a pit of existential gloom about the whole thing? Will you be more or less gloomy if we now have to talk about Allen West, the one-term Congresscritter from Florida who now just terrorizes us via his web site and Fox News? It doesn’t really matter how you feel, ’cause we’re gonna talk about him anyway because of how we’re mad with power. So Allen West watched the AMAs…Oh, who are we kidding. Allen West made some intern watch the AMAs with a specific eye towards finding something he could be poutraged about, hopefully of a hippity-hop-related variety, and Allen West did not have to beat that intern to death for failure, because the intern found A Thing to be mad at. Read more on Noted Cultural Critic Allen West Reviews Macklemore’s AMA Acceptance Speech, Gives It Two Thumbs Down…
  jerks

Total Taker Allen West Wanted Free Handouts From Makers, Because He Is A Bolshevik And Probably On Welfare

Remember last week, or this week probably, who even knows anymore Dok is on vacation and we are high on the pot, when we told you about Allen West’s hilarious new book, How To Shoot Guns Next To Detainees’ Heads And Influence People, or something? Well, a friendly tipster/artist/ne’er-do-well, one Mr. Brian J. Crowley, sent us in these nice emails from a lady working with Allen West on that dumb book, and guess what! Colonel West (R-esigned in disgrace to avoid court-martial) wanted to use artists’ work for free! That’s right. Allen West, defender of capitalism from the 80 communists in Congress, wanted to suck off the labor of others without compensation. We believe here in the good ol’ US of A, that is called slavery. I mean, it is right? Read more on Total Taker Allen West Wanted Free Handouts From Makers, Because He Is A Bolshevik And Probably On Welfare…
  Too Visible Man

The Cover Of Allen West’s New Book Is Terrific, We Can’t Wait To Laugh At The Mere Idea Of Reading It

Wow, how could this cover of Allen West’s probably terrible new book be any better? More eagles, maybe, like a live one excreting digested fish sludge on Allen West’s head. That’s good luck, we hear! Oh, it could be a Blingee! With pictures of guns and dancing aliens smoking marijuana, yes! Read more on The Cover Of Allen West’s New Book Is Terrific, We Can’t Wait To Laugh At The Mere Idea Of Reading It…
  hyperbole and a halfwit

Allen West Wishes Barack Obama Would Try Being More Black For A Change

Professional conservative victim Allen West took to Fox News yesterday to condemn the incredible insensitivity and unspeakable atrocity of a “despicable, demeaning, and disgusting” email by Florida congressman Alan Grayson that compared the Tea Party to the KKK. West, whose job is to condemn all liberals for mentioning racism until it’s time for him to proclaim himself the victim of a racist attack, recalled how terrified he was as a young black man growing up in the South, and wondered why civil rights leaders hadn’t condemned Grayson for his dumb hyperbole, because an exaggerated comparison of the Tea Party to the KKK is apparently exactly the same as the actual KKK burning a cross or bombing a church. Read more on Allen West Wishes Barack Obama Would Try Being More Black For A Change…