Tag Archives: Allen West

  Try Not To Be Too Shocked OK?

Surprise, Military Even More Rapey Than We Thought

Imagine that.
As we’ve mentioned once or twenty times, the Pentagon has a bit of a problem with rape. Just how bad a problem with rape? Hard to say — a 2013 Defense Department report estimated that about 26,000 members of the military were raped in 2012. Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand has been trying to find out more about how the Pentagon deals with sexual assaults, so last year she asked the DoD for files on sexual assault at each of the four major services’ largest bases from 2009 to 2013. After dragging its feet forever, the Pentagon finally gave her 107 case files — from one year only, 2013. And even that limited information turned up a far greater problem with sexual assault in the military than the Pentagon has been willing to acknowledge, according to Gillibrand’s report on the files, released late last week. Read more on Surprise, Military Even More Rapey Than We Thought…
  Sunday Gossip Hour

It’s Sunday Funday At The Wonkette, Let’s Sit Next To Each Other And Talk Sh*t About People

Gossiping cat has thoughts to share.
Happy Sunday, Wonketariat! We hope this love note finds you fat and happy. We should take a moment before we go get ACTUAL brunch, to do internet brunch gossip about the Most Popular Stories of the week. You all were all over the place this week, with your favorites! Read more on It’s Sunday Funday At The Wonkette, Let’s Sit Next To Each Other And Talk Sh*t About People…
  pray the concussions away

Allen West Can Keep Football Players From Getting Hurt, Just By Saying A Little Prayer!

Is there nothing this man CANNOT fail at, we mean do?
Allen West, the Guardian of the Republic vile, disgraced torture fetishist and congressional race-loser who is also a creepazoid sex pervert, took some time off from those activities recently to discuss football injuries, and the best way to prevent them. No, it is not about padding or anything like that, it is prayer! You see, Allen West played football in high school, so he is an expert. Speaking to a wingnut group in Texas, West explained that back in HIS day, they made sure to pray before every single game, and because of that, he doesn’t remember ANYBODY getting injured or paralyzed. Read more on Allen West Can Keep Football Players From Getting Hurt, Just By Saying A Little Prayer!…
  Allen West: The Vettening

Internet’s Stupidest Man Chuck C. Johnson: Disgraced Torturer Allen West Also A Big Horndog

Hey Baby. Want to wrap your legs around an American legend?
So file this under shocking maybe mildly surprising if true: “Award-Winning Journalist” Chuck C. Johnson, the newly crowned Stupidest Man on the Internet, accuses conservative icon and disgraced former Army Colonel and one-term-only congressman Allen West of having done something awful: Read more on Internet’s Stupidest Man Chuck C. Johnson: Disgraced Torturer Allen West Also A Big Horndog…
  #ReadyForLouie

New House Speaker Louie Gohmert Will Fix America, Depose Dumb Drunk RINO John Boehner

Image via Daily Show video Texas congressman and casual House-floor snacker Louie Gohmert delivered blessed news to the nation on the first Sunday of the new year: he will finally rise to be the savior America needs by defeating John Boehner to become the new Speaker of the House. Read more on New House Speaker Louie Gohmert Will Fix America, Depose Dumb Drunk RINO John Boehner…
  Another Beneficiary Of Wingnut Welfare

Allen West To Head Up ‘Think’ Tank. Stop Laughing, You Guys, It’s Not Funny.

Finally a place for his talents
Congratulations to disgraced torturer ex-Rep. Allen West on finding a jerb! (We were going to say “honest work,” but this is Allen West we’re talking about, after all.) According to a big ol’ press release, come Jan. 2, 2015, the former disgraced colonel and former one-term congressman will become CEO of the “National Center for Policy Analysis,” a Dallas-based think tank that shills for the oil and insurance industries and thinks that global warming is a big conspiracy. And yes, it probably gets money from Koch Industries, too. Read more on Allen West To Head Up ‘Think’ Tank. Stop Laughing, You Guys, It’s Not Funny….
  secret Squirrel service

Wingnuts Pretty Mad At Obama For Letting Himself Be Killed Like That

Everybody needs a nap now and then
This Secret Service thing, huh? It’s quite a mess, and by golly, the right is just outraged that the agency is doing such a crappy job of defending the president they hate. Thank heavens they know who’s responsible for the security lapses: That feckless dictator Barack Obama, who just can’t do anything right except take away all our liberties and make us live in a police state that is nonetheless not very good at keeping the president of the United States. Read more on Wingnuts Pretty Mad At Obama For Letting Himself Be Killed Like That…
  Your morning cup of wut?

Good News, Ladies, Your Bra Won’t Give You Cancer And Other News You Can Maybe Use

Will not cause cancer probably
Good news, bad news, old news, new news — Yr Wonkette has it all, for all your news needs. In case you were worried that your over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder was doing cancer to your lady lumps, breathe a sigh of relief because apparently, that’s not true after all: Read more on Good News, Ladies, Your Bra Won’t Give You Cancer And Other News You Can Maybe Use…
  By The Sweat Of Your Browser Shall You Eat

Allen West Would Like Labor Day Honoring Robber Barons And Scabs, Please

The Ludlow Massacre -- now THAT's worth a holiday
Great American Allen West has just about HAD IT with the shallowness of American three-day-weekend holidays, especially Labor Day, which he pretends to give a good goddamn about in a column published Monday. You see, Mr. West, who used to work for the United States Army until he disgraced himself with some war crimes, and then “worked” in Congress accusing other people of being communists, and now “works” on the wingnut welfare circuit, has some thoughts about the value of hard work and what it is that we celebrate on Labor Day: Read more on Allen West Would Like Labor Day Honoring Robber Barons And Scabs, Please…
  Why Can't Toby Keith Perform At The Met Instead?

Wingnuts Will Save You Poor Jews From Getting Pogromed By Metropolitan Opera

Why can't more operas be about American Exceptionalism?
Time for an Arts Update! The editor of Superpatriot and disgraced torture aficionado Allen West’s blog is so mad at the Metropolitan Opera that she’s just about ready to go to New York’s Lincoln Center and stage a mock execution of the artistic director. You see, the monsters at the Met are staging a production of John Adams’s 1991 opera, The Death of Klinghoffer, a dramatization of the 1985 hijacking of the cruise ship Achille Lauro by Palestinian terrorists. The opera focuses on the murder of Leon Klinghoffer, a retired American businessmen whom the hijackers shot and threw overboard, and while his killing is treated as a tragedy, the opera also allows the Palestinian guerrilla to sing about their motives, which are, surprisingly, not pro-Israel. Or as West’s Editor-in-Chief Michele Hickford explains it, the opera “presents [Klinghoffer’s] murder as justified, not only because of Palestinian grievances against Israel, but also by the alleged evil and exploitative actions of Jews against others around the world.” Read more on Wingnuts Will Save You Poor Jews From Getting Pogromed By Metropolitan Opera…
  You're Going To Have To Answer To The Coca-Cola Company

Allen West All Het Up About The Preverts

Listen: Allen West is worried about perverts. It’s right there in the headline of his latest blog post: “Our government is populated by perverts.” And yet, for a change, he’s not freaked out about teh gheys — it turns out that he thinks that the government has been “perverting the meaning of words and the word of law to suit its own aims,” so it is perfectly legitimate to call them “perverts” in a headline, and not a perversion of the noun “pervert.” Read more on Allen West All Het Up About The Preverts…
  the tyranny of choice

Why Wait For The Primaries? GOP 2016 Poll Lets You Pick Terrible Candidates Now

Reince Priebus tweeted out an invitation today to go “Pick who you want to be the next president,” via the RNC’s excellent new survey toy. And what a broad selection of fine candidates there is, even though no one’s announced yet, even at this late date. The choices include people who will almost definitely run (Rand Paul, Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio), some last hurrah losers of previous campaigns (Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum), as well as some solid “Who’s that again?” names for the veepstakes (Mike Pence, Brian Sandoval). And then there’s a few people we’d love to see in the race solely because they’d be excellent sources of blog posts (John Bolton, Sarah Palin, Allen West). But where’s Elder Statesman Mitt Romney? Read more on Why Wait For The Primaries? GOP 2016 Poll Lets You Pick Terrible Candidates Now…
  don't wanna think about allen west's discharge

Allen West Tortured Iraqi Cop, Avoided Court-Martial, Kept Pension. Hey, It’s Not Like He Was Gay

Hey, remember Allen West? He’s this guy who negotiated “retiring” from the Army instead of getting court-martialed for torturing an Iraqi cop, and then ran on an “Iraqi cop-torturing” platform all the way to the US House of Representatives. Well, he not only got to avoid up to 11 years in the pokey, while serving the bath-salt sniffers of Florida in the People’s House, he also got to keep his sweet-ass Army-guy pension, fuck yeh! Of course, Allen West’s pension is for a good cause (Allen West), while other people’s pensions, for instance, the (non-) pensions of gay and lesbian servicemembers who were discharged before Satan Barack Obama the United States Congress said, “hey Army, stop dishonorably discharging all the queers and bulldaggers,” those are BAD PENSIONS, and the queers and bulldaggers SHOULD NOT HAVE THEM. Let’s learn more fun facts about “discharges” from Allen West, who once “discharged” a bullet next to an Iraqi cop’s head! (Hahaha, after having his four buddies beat the man on the “head and body,” funtimes good times yay.) Read more on Allen West Tortured Iraqi Cop, Avoided Court-Martial, Kept Pension. Hey, It’s Not Like He Was Gay…
  leave no soldier behind...unless obama hugs his dad

Allen West Pretty Sure Bowe Bergdahl’s Dad Made The White House A Mosque

OMG you guys! Disgraced former torturer Allen West, super-patriot and Muslim-Hunter extraordinaire, has been tipped off to some earth-shattering proof of Muslim perfidy and scary creeping — or galloping! — sharia law! After spending the weekend calling Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl a “deserter” and hinting that there’s something “nefarious” about his release from the Taliban, and about Bergdahl’s father, Bob Bergdahl (who apparently doesn’t hate Muslims enough at all), West has revealed a “bombshell”: Bob Bergdahl spoke Arabic at the White House! Not only that, but he pretty much made the White House a holy Muslim shrine by doing that, according to a very smart person who emailed Allen West. Read more on Allen West Pretty Sure Bowe Bergdahl’s Dad Made The White House A Mosque…
  the people that you meet each day

Allen West Heard About Benghazi From A Guy On A Plane Who Knew A Guy, And That’s What I Call ‘Q.E.D.’

Allen West knows the truth about Benghazi, because he was on an airplane and a guy told him he knew a guy who was there, and that the CIA had been told to stand down, and also people are being threatened, and there was a drawing of schematics, impeach Obama QED. Today as I returned from Detroit, I had a moment that I truly felt was God sent, as I don’t believe in coincidences. It happened on one of my flights, and it was two hours I will never forget. I was in the bar at a Columbus, Ohio, Radisson once, taking turns dancing with two hot best friend guys, one black and one white, and they were both like 6’4, and they were beer truck drivers, and it was the best night ever. I was seated beside someone who personally knew one of the men who was there on the roof in Benghazi. This person was excited to share with me the “ground truth” of what happened September 11, 2012. After I finished dancing with the two hot guy best friends, I met their other buddy, who had just gotten back from Iraq, and he told me that Halliburton (or KBR, I forget) was sending out empty supply caravans so they could pad their measly undecillion-dollar income. Read more on Allen West Heard About Benghazi From A Guy On A Plane Who Knew A Guy, And That’s What I Call ‘Q.E.D.’…
  loyalty oaf

Torture Hero Allen West Just Asking If Legless Vet Congresswoman Tammy Duckworth Is ‘Loyal’ Is All

American torture hero and semiemployed former congressjerk Allen West is very, very concerned about this “Tammy Duckworth” person having agreed to be on the Big BenghaziPalooza Special Committee, because how can Americans be sure she actually loves America, and is not some kind of legless traitor like Max Cleland? Read more on Torture Hero Allen West Just Asking If Legless Vet Congresswoman Tammy Duckworth Is ‘Loyal’ Is All…
  insanity is just a state of mind

Phoenix V.A. Hospital Mess May Prove Actual Distraction From Benghazi

There’s just nothing funny about the incredible clusterfuck unfolding at the Phoenix Veterans Administration Hospital (autoplay video at link), where as many as 40 vets may have died while waiting to get care, and it also appears that administrators tried to cover up the mess by shredding files and faking records to hide the delays in providing services. You’ve got some people calling for the resignation of Veterans Affairs Secretary Eric Shinseki; the House Committee on Veterans Affairs has subpoenaed communications related to the mess, and Shinseki has ordered an audit of every VA health facility to find out if Phoenix is an outlier or the tip of a very bad iceberg. So instead of trying to find funny, maybe we’ll just settle for pissed off? Read more on Phoenix V.A. Hospital Mess May Prove Actual Distraction From Benghazi…
  fox news unamerican committee strikes again

Allen West, Fox & Friends Expose Muslim Plot To Jihad America With Votes

You guys, there is some serious UN-AMERICAN activity happening, and we bet you don’t know about it! According to Allen West on Fox & Friends, there is a secret Muslim plot in America to… wait for it… become politically organized in order to push for policies that are more friendly towards Muslims. Now is the appropriate time to FREAK THE FUCK OUT. Seriously, freak out, dammit. What’s wrong with you? Why aren’t you freaking out! Did you not click on that video? Did you not see the graphic of “Islamic Extremism on the Rise,” with totally not-racist pictures of men in turbans wielding rocket-launchers? This threat will ruin American civilization and likely cause the death of all kittens, because it is THAT BAD. If your hands aren’t shaking too much, let’s scaresplore this threat to life, liberty, and religious freedom the American way.  Read more on Allen West, Fox & Friends Expose Muslim Plot To Jihad America With Votes…
  the crass and the spurious

Allen West’s New Book-Shaped Object Full Of Slavery And Fake Founding Fathers Quotes

Allen West’s terrible new book is finally out, although the cover photo has been kicking around since November. Frankly, when we saw articles about West’s “new book” we thought maybe this was a rushed sequel. But no, it just turns out that West’s exciting memoirfesto, Guardian of the Republic: An American Ronin’s Journey to Faith, Family and Freedom, only slithered onto bookstore shelves on April 1. Somehow, the anticipation between the release of the cover image and the actual collection of typed pages managed not to kill us. So now that the rough beast has slouched into Amazon, what is in this tome? Would you believe “fake quotes from the Founding Fathers” and “stupid slavery analogies”? We bet you would! Read more on Allen West’s New Book-Shaped Object Full Of Slavery And Fake Founding Fathers Quotes…
  bang-banghazi

Allen West Explains How Crimea Made Obama Do The Fort Hood Shootings

See if you can follow the logic on this one, kids: On Fox’s Hannity Wednesday night, automated mobile grievance unit Allen West suggested that the Fort Hood shootings were the inevitable result of Barack Obama’s failure to recognize that America has international enemies. Now, by the time the program aired, it was pretty clear that Ivan Lopez wasn’t connected to any terrorist group, but why not drag terrorism into the equation anyway? “If your only tool is a hammer,” and you’re a tool yourself, etc. Hannity asked the disgraced former torturer if Fort Hood resulted from forgetting that there’s evil in this bad old world: Let me go to the big picture about combatting evil in our time and this goes back to “man-caused disasters, overseas contingency operations,” that Major Hasan was “workplace violence.” Have we gotten too far away from 9/11 that we don’t remember the impact of that day? We’re frankly rather surprised he didn’t shoehorn Benghazi in there, too. Read more on Allen West Explains How Crimea Made Obama Do The Fort Hood Shootings…
  welcome to the terrordome

Allen West Will Be Haunted By The Horror Of The Coca-Cola Superbowl Ad For The Rest Of His Life

Did you watch Super Sportsball Spectacular yesterday? Were you rooting for the Broncos? If so, you are probably not reading this because you committed ritual suicide after that game. Those of you who remain are still watching wingnut heads explode over the goddamn gall of Coca-Cola to have a commercial that had many different languages. Read more on Allen West Will Be Haunted By The Horror Of The Coca-Cola Superbowl Ad For The Rest Of His Life…
  the timecube candidate

Watch Out, Florida: ‘Satirist’ Hopes To Win Allen West’s Former District

Voters in Florida’s 18th Congressional District face a difficult decision in August — should they try to find a viable Republican candidate to face Patrick Murphy, who defeated Allen West in 2012, or should they try this guy: Ilya Katz, a self-described “political refugee of the Soviet Union” who claims to have spent “ten years in Siberian hard labor concentration camp” for his cutting satires against Leonid Brezhnev. And who knows, maybe he did! His bio page also says that after escaping the USSR for Chicago, he worked as a “full time knight watchman and part time professor at Loyola University, Columbia College and Central YMCA College,” where he “lectured on social and political topics concerning socialism and a way to endure in a totalitarism society.” We haven’t done any digging on those claims, but standing on top of a planter and shouting at passing students does count as “lecturing,” doesn’t it? He is not worried about his lack of formal credentials, because as he points out, “Noah’s Ark was built by an amateur, the Titanic was built by professionals.” He also ran against Debbie Wasserman-Schultz in 2012, and managed to get 3124 votes. He is, in short, a “character,” and so it should go without saying that he wins Wonkette’s endorsement. Read more on Watch Out, Florida: ‘Satirist’ Hopes To Win Allen West’s Former District…