Wonkette

* Reliable Source: Steven Spielberg is a big liar. [WP]
* Yeas and Nays: The Barenaked Ladies headlined the RIAA party even though they hate the RIAA… Former Boehner spokesman left for Romney’s campaign, recommended replacement who is smarter and better than him. Notable for use of the word “Boehnerland.” [Examiner]
* Rush & Molloy: Alec Baldwin says Obama ain’t ready, doesn’t like Hillary much either. Ben Affleck disagrees. We’re drinking at noon. [NYDN]

* Sam Brownback figures if he spends the night in jail, he’ll have to get some nutsack to butt-crack lovin’. [Political Ticker]
* Donald Rumsfeld is even in denial about the American Civil War. [Think Progress]
* “Experts” are now “evaluating” Ted Haggard’s gayness. [Pandagon]
* Laura Bush is too classy to slap the bitch that was wearing her same dress — she just had highly trained Secret Service agents go and fetch her another one. [Boozhy]
* “The greatest actor, ever” shares his wisdom on how to defeat terrorism, and defeat it the F.A.G. way. [HuffPo]
* Everything William Jefferson does is shady as shit. [MyDD]
* Noam Chomsky “could fart and it would smell like wisdom.” [Power, Seduction and War]

• Alec Baldwin handsome, clever, good blogger: “Mel Gibson…the Opus Dei buzz-kill.” [HuffPo]
• Rush Limbaugh and Osama bin Laden in agreement that because we “directly install” our government, we are responsible for the “crimes the American government has committed.” [The Angry Fag]
• Brooklyn Public Library not stocking “potentially incendiary” books like Londonistan. [Powerline]
• Backers of Rick Santorum donated nearly $60,000 to Green Party candidate Carl J. Romanelli. [Hotline On Call]
• FOX News pays $225,000 to settle a sex discrimination suit. [Feministing]
• Seems as good a time as any to remember what Bill O’Reilly allegedly said to Andrea Mackris.
  

  You would basically be in the shower and then I would come in and I’d join you and you would have your back to me and I would take that little loofa thing and kinda soap up your back… rub it all over you, get you to relax, hot water… and um… you know, you’d feel the tension drain out of you and uh you still would be with your back to me then I would kinda put my arm — it’s one of those mitts, those loofa mitts you know, so I got my hands in it… and I would put it around front, kinda rub your tummy a little bit with it, and then with my other hand I would start to massage your boobs, get your nipples really hard… ‘cuz I like that and you have really spectacular boobs…

  So anyway I’d be rubbing your big boobs and getting your nipples really hard, kinda kissing your neck from behind… and then I would take the other hand with the falafel thing and I’d put it on your pussy but you’d have to do it really light, just kind of a tease business.

* Can’t keep your corrupt public servants straight? Consult this list (bulleted, for easy reference) and you’ll sound like you read [Daily Kos] a lot. [Daily Kos]
* When he’s not postcoitally escaping Ann Coulter, Alec Baldwin’s defending his commendation of Bill O’Reilly. Respect Bill’s skills, if not his ability to hold back cheap shots at a Baldwin. [HuffPo]
* All those Mexican flags on the left coast got Michelle Malkin confused. Send Old Glory to the DeskJet and wave her proudly. [Michelle Malkin]
* Running out of ways to disappoint Jesus? Pierce your tongue. Contract Herpes. Share someone’s toothbrush. Increase your odds of being smote by the increasingly hard to please Christ child. [Evangelical Outpost]
* Globalization need not confuse you. India’s money + China’s money = Jars of 7,000 pickles with free dental insurance behind the nutrition labels. [Booman Tribune]

* Reliable Source: Federal judge accepts invasion-of-privacy lawsuit against Jessica Cutler; a former lover claims her blog caused “severe emotional distress, humiliation, embarassment and anguish”. . . Sen. Barbara Mikulski collects winnings from bet with Sen. Elizabeth Dole on women’s NCAA championship. . . Laurence Fishburne sighted at Cafe Milano. [WP]
* Lloyd Grove’s Lowdown: Alec Baldwin would rather sleep with Sen. Dianne Feinstein than Ann Coulter: “With Coulter, we’d have sex and I’d have to jump out the window. I wouldn’t even get dressed.” Replies Coulter, “That’s the only reason I can think of for wanting to have sex with Alec Baldwin.”. . . Joe Wilson and Valerie Plame plan to leave town, but not before Cheney, Rove, and Libby do. [NYDN]
* Page Six: Oddsmaker puts Hillary’s chances in ‘08 at 3:1 and McCain’s at 6:1. [NYP]

* Reliable Source: Alec Baldwin on lobbying: “I get a headache around these people. Committees! Budgets!”. . . Bush twins, with Henry Hager and Joshua Ginsberg, seen at Oyamel restaurant in Crystal City. . . Rep. John Lewis (D-Ga.) spotted in coach. [WP]
* Lloyd Grove’s Lowdown: Teresa Heinz Kerry says her husband’s ‘04 loss was a “let down for the world.” She added, “I miss those guys, the Secret Service. We’re having a party for them in the garden this spring. The cowboys, someone else’s cowboys now.” [NYDN]

* Reliable Source: Bush holds public reenactment of Alito’s private swearing in. . . Rep. Jim Moran’s (D-Va.) cell phone rang during the State of the Union. . . Hastert, Specter, Harman had dinner at the Charlie Palmer Steakhouse before the SOTU. . . Virginia Gov. Tim Kaine appears with Sam Donaldson. [WP]
* Under the Dome: Sen. McCain (R-Ariz.) has a cameo in “24″ on Monday night. . . Sens. Ted Stevens (R-Alaska) and Byron Dorgan (D-N.D.) and Reps. Eric Cantor (R-Va.) and George Miller (D-Calif.) viewed the State of the Union from “undisclosed locations” for security reasons. . . Home of Rep. Cynthia McKinney (D-Ga.) was vandalized with video tape while she was away at Sundance celebrating the release of a film about her life. . . Linda Douglass of ABC News is joining NYU as a senior fellow. . . Rep. John Kline (R-Minn.) has had enough with Democratic opponent Colleen Rowley. [The Hill]
* Inside the Beltway: Joint Chiefs of Staff complains to the Washington Post about cartoonist Tom Toles‘ depiction of wounded troops. [WT]
* Liz Smith: Bush jokes about seeing “Brokeback Mountain” with Cheney. [NYP]
* Cindy Adams: Web of Jack Abramoff’s influence may only reach the wives and grown children of implicated lawmakers. . . George Pataki makes his fifth trip to Iowa next month. [NYP]
* Rush & Molloy: Alec Baldwin, Meryl Streep are losing faith in Democrats. [NYDN]

• Reliable Source: “Military Idol” takes off. . . Ludacris skips the Howard University Homecoming. . . Philanthropist Jim Kimsey “toasted and roasted” at Kennedy Center. . . At Sunday’s game, Andrea Mitchell kissed Alan Greenspan whenever the Redskins scored. . . Diane Keaton spotted at Starbucks; Nicole Kidman seen near K Street. . . Van Susteren sells her house. [WP]
• Under the Dome: U.N. interns blanket Capitol Hill with blue rubber bracelets to celebrate its 60th anniversary. . . Rep. Mike Thompson (D-Calif.) mingles with famed winemakers in his office. [The Hill]
• Liz Smith: Maureen Dowd’s next book is titled “Are Men Necessary?” [NYP]
• Lloyd Grove’s Lowdown: Alec Baldwin critiques Hutchison: “Why are contemporary Republicans so full of shit?” Replies her flack, “We take criticism from Alec Baldwin about as seriously as advice from Michael Moore.” [NYDN]
• Rush & Molloy: Clinton autographs $11,000 lunch-box to auction it again. [NYDN] MORE »

• Names & Faces: Bush’s bike ride with Lance Armstrong tomorrow is an exclusive Discovery Channel event. . . Story by columnist John McCaslin is published in “Chicken Soup for the Grandma’s Soul.” [WP]
• Inside the Beltway: DNC files FOIA request about Roberts. [WT]
• Liz Smith: Clinton: “I think if there were a president in my party again, no matter who it was, and I was asked to do anything, I would do it. Anything!”. . . Vernon Jordan is certain Hillary could be president. [NYP]
• Page Six: Giuliani is set to play softball in East Hampton with Carl Bernstein, Ken Auletta, and Alec Baldwin. [NYP]