Tag Archives: alcohol

  Crimes and Misdemeanors

Ted Cruz’s Underage Drinking Is The Only Thing We Like About Him

He was holding it for a friend.
Yesterday, Buzzfeed reported that prominent Canadian gag gift Sen. Ted Cruz pled guilty to possession of alcohol as a minor in 1987. He was but a little Cruzlet in high school shortpants when he got pulled over (racially profiled?) with a fresh case of beer in his car, whoops! Put that shit in the trunk, son! Did a young Rafael Edward Cruz waive his Fourth Amendment rights? Impeach. Read more on Ted Cruz’s Underage Drinking Is The Only Thing We Like About Him…
  Deepest Sympathies For Your Being Black

Alabama Governor Consoles Family Of Murdered 8-Year-Old Black Girl By Suggesting Their Dysfunction Killed Her (Updated)

May this face haunt Robert Benchley's dreams forever
UPDATE: A spokeswoman for Gov. Bentley has offered an explanation; see end of post. Hiawayi Robinson, of Pritchard, Alabama, a small city on the north side of Mobile, was looking forward to turning nine years old next week. On Tuesday, Hiawayi had talked to her father on the phone about what she wanted for her birthday (a laptop computer) and told him that she was going downstairs to see if her cousin was home. She never came back. Read more on Alabama Governor Consoles Family Of Murdered 8-Year-Old Black Girl By Suggesting Their Dysfunction Killed Her (Updated)…
  make a run for the border

Florida Rep. ‘Dane Eagle’ Arrested For Drunken Fratty 2 A.M. Taco Bell Run

Raise your hand if you have ever been to Taco Bell at 2 a.m., drunk. All of you, just like we thought. It’s kind of required if you read our mommy/warblog. Now raise your hand if you have ever been arrested at a Taco Bell. Oh, just you South Florida GOP state Representative Dane Eagle, whose manly name of ubermenschenpatriotism we kind of can’t get over yet? Do let us hear more. Read more on Florida Rep. ‘Dane Eagle’ Arrested For Drunken Fratty 2 A.M. Taco Bell Run…
  one cookie over the line

Sean Hannity Warns America Of Killer Weed Threat

Purity Hero Sean Hannity took to the radio airwaves Tuesday to alert America to this profound insight: marijuana will kill you dead! As proof, Hannity offers a genuinely sad story from Colorado, about the 19-year-old who jumped off a 4th-floor balcony after eating a friend’s marijuana cookie. The autopsy listed marijuana intoxication as a significant contributing factor in the death of 19-year-old Levi Thamba Pongi, a native of the Republic of Congo, who fell from a balcony. One of Hannity’s guests tried to point out that “significant contributing factor” is different from “sole cause,” but Hannity knew better: “In other words, he was stoned out of his mind!” Read more on Sean Hannity Warns America Of Killer Weed Threat…
  friends in low places

Secret Service Agents Pass Out Drunk In Netherland Hotel, Think They’re Bloggers

Are you fond of traveling to exotic locations and having sexytimes with hookers? Do you drink on the job? Have you recently been to Western Europe and drunk until you passed out in a hotel? Then perhaps you should consider an exciting career protecting the President of the United States as a Secret Service agent! Apply today! Read more on Secret Service Agents Pass Out Drunk In Netherland Hotel, Think They’re Bloggers…
  it's a nice day for a weed wedding

Scott Walker Will Not Get All Potted Up At Your Hippie Wedding, Wisconsin

Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker has a profound insight into the cultural and medical reasons that make alcohol okay, while marijuana should not be decriminalized: “If I’m at a wedding reception here and somebody has a drink or two, most people wouldn’t say they’re wasted,” he said. “Most folks with marijuana wouldn’t be sitting around a wedding reception smoking marijuana.” “Now there are people who abuse (alcohol), no doubt about it, but I think it’s a big jump between someone having a beer and smoking marijuana,” he added. We’re not sure what’s more wonderful about that statement: the image of a bunch of damn hippies getting potted up on weed at a wedding, or the equally Wisconsinish image of a reception hall decked out with white paper bells and streamers and tables covered with empty Schlitz cans. Read more on Scott Walker Will Not Get All Potted Up At Your Hippie Wedding, Wisconsin…
  putting the pot in potus

Barack Obama Says Accurate, Boring Things About Weed, Daily Caller Hears Call For Dictatorship

David Remnick wrote a million or so words about Barack Obama in the New Yorker this week, and several of those words were about the loco weed. And what did The POTUS say about the pot for us? “As has been well documented, I smoked pot as a kid, and I view it as a bad habit and a vice, not very different from the cigarettes that I smoked as a young person up through a big chunk of my adult life. I don’t think it is more dangerous than alcohol.” Now where would he get a ridiculous idea like that? Doesn’t he know about all the people who stab or shoot whole families while high on the pot? Read more on Barack Obama Says Accurate, Boring Things About Weed, Daily Caller Hears Call For Dictatorship…
  lullaby of cartersville

Two Nice Georgians Beat Each Other Senseless In Argument Over Biblical Interpretation

In Cartersville, Georgia, a discussion of the Ten Commandments got a little heated over the weekend, leading to a holy smackdown in a local hotel: According to police reports, Carolyn Unfricht and Daniel Camarda were inside a Cartersville hotel arguing about the Bible and specifically the Ten Commandments Unfricht told police things got heated when she hit him across the face with her Bible. Camarda retaliated by throwing her across the room. Both are now facing battery charges and not surprisingly, the police report states they were “highly intoxicated” at the time of the arrest. There are just too many unanswered questions here! Which commandment(s) set them off? Or for that matter, which version of the Ten Commandments? What exactly was the nature of the dispute? It is times like this that we find the lack of detail in local news stories rather disappointing. Read more on Two Nice Georgians Beat Each Other Senseless In Argument Over Biblical Interpretation…
  what really matters

This Friendly Republican Will Help Us All Get Drunk At The Democratic Convention

What is the best part of being in town at national political conventions? Seeing the speeches in person? Meeting an array of interesting activists? No, those are the worst parts — the best part is getting wasted and flopping around and pissing in the middle of the street while political activity is occurring in nearby arenas. But because North Carolina’s state-owned liquor stores are closed on Sundays and the Labor Day Monday preceding the Democratic National Convention, it’s going to be hard to procure the tools of intoxication necessary to survive several days of pathetic grandstanding and megabank marketing. Help, help, sympathetic Republican boozebag! Read more on This Friendly Republican Will Help Us All Get Drunk At The Democratic Convention…
  lawmakers + booze = governance

Jobs Report: Ohio Legislature Debates Opening Bar In Statehouse Basement

For as much as we sanction the idea of keeping a sturdy supply of booze on hand near the office, we’re going to note that the Ohio legislature’s proposal to open a bar in the Statehouse basement is probably tantamount to entrapment given the number of Ohio representatives who heart drinking and driving all over the state highways. Anyway, weren’t there some other things going on in Ohio? Maybe, like, a “union” thing, or some “unemployment” bullshit, once upon a time? No, there were not, thanks for asking, and they’ve got it covered: somebody has to bartend. Job creationism! Read more on Jobs Report: Ohio Legislature Debates Opening Bar In Statehouse Basement…
  it's morning in america

Study: Boozing Bad For Society, Eat Mushrooms Instead

A new study published by Limey scientist-types suggests that alcohol is more dangerous and destructive than heroin! Ha ha, so next time you are drinking alone in your room and mutter “at least I don’t inject opiates between my toes or in my eyeballs,” an Englishman will parachute through your window and then explain — using science — how you are a hopeless wreck. The study ranked each substance for “harms including mental and physical damage, addiction, crime and costs to the economy and communities.” So yeah, that’s booze, alright! The study also found that Magical Mushrooms are not very destructive/husbands who gobble them up usually do not beat their wives. Ergo, you should eat those poop-shrooms by the bushel. [BBC] Read more on Study: Boozing Bad For Society, Eat Mushrooms Instead… Read more on Study: Boozing Bad For Society, Eat Mushrooms Instead…
  drink like a child in summertime

Relive Your Childhood With Your Best Friend, Booze

Washingtonians are borderline alcoholics. We welcome this fun fact with open arms because drinking is fun, helps DC’s economy, and makes everyone look so pretty. But here we have something new: Did you know that Washingtonians secretly wish they drank more as children? That every time they successfully hula-hooped or passed 100 on skip-it they were rewarded with a shot of vodka? Why else then would DC restaurants insist upon adding alcohol to the most benign of childhood treats? Read more on Relive Your Childhood With Your Best Friend, Booze…
  stories for your grandkids

Montana State Sen. Charged In Congressman’s Boat Crash

In late August, juuuuuust as the Congressional recess was reaching a close, Montana Rep. Denny Rehberg — who has a history of getting trashed and flopping around on horses in Kazakhstan — went out on a boat with some buddies, and within minutes that boat was somehow vertical, among a pile of rocks. How drunk was the Boat Captain?, America asked. Well now we know: 0.16 — and that was several hours after the crash! It wasn’t Rehberg, though, operating the boat, just one of his buddies, some loser local politician who is now in big big trouble. Read more on Montana State Sen. Charged In Congressman’s Boat Crash…
  let's get scandal-y

Roughly Cylandrical Object Located Near Rehberg Boat Crash

While Rep. Denny Rehberg’s life, which is in stable condition, will be first on the docket during tonight’s Wonkette Prayer Hour, we must wonder — given his history of getting trashed in Kazakhstan and falling off horses — exactly how wasted he and his buddies may or may not have been when they crashed their boat into very huge rocks late last night. And lo, “Twitter person Bob B.” has sent us this photo of the wreckage, in which he thinks he has spotted the smoking gun: a keg of beer. It looks a little too skinny to be considered such in our estimation. Probably just a trash can. (They were throwing away the tree.) (While drunk?) [Twitter] Read more on Roughly Cylandrical Object Located Near Rehberg Boat Crash…
 

Happy Hours: Not Just For Booze?

Don’t worry, we’re not asking anyone to reevaluate the presence of alcohol in their life, nor are we insinuating that there are better means to post-work happiness than drinking. Happy hours are essential to the DC way of life and we would never pass judgment on such a meaningful occasion. You have our word. Some grocery stores and shops, however, are noticing the pleasure DCers derive from happy hours, and are using the term to signify evening discounts on their products. Has our beloved activity been co-opted? Read more on Happy Hours: Not Just For Booze?…
  sexytime

Send Us Your Inaugural Ball Photos!

OMG we just had so much fun, right, at Wonkette’s Inaugural Ball last night. Just soooooooooo much fun. Packed, it was! Now, between (a) your associate editor’s lack of a camera and (b) your associate editor’s hour-long absence from the party after the kegs ran out at midnight, when he and Liz drove to HYATTSVILLE, MARYLAND to locate more alcohol (unsuccessful, although there was liquor in abundance when when we returned, somehow, hooray)… your associate editor doesn’t have enough photos. Please send yr sexy party pixxx to tips@wonkette.com, subject line “MOAR,” and we’ll do a longer picture post tomorrowish. Thanks to everyone who came! Read more on Send Us Your Inaugural Ball Photos!…
  a city in images

St. Paul, The Night Before The Jackass Convention

Last night, your Wonkette editors visited the city of St. Paul, in Minnesota. What a glorious City Of Lights! Ha ha, not really, it was empty except for cops and military people protecting John McCain Arena. We thought this was offensive — why are the cops and military people still here when there’s a hurricane in New Orleans? Racists. Let’s check out a few more pictures from this famous twin Minnesota city that locals know as “The Boring One.” Read more on St. Paul, The Night Before The Jackass Convention…
  sexy pirate bashes

Awesome Pirate Alcohol Party In Media Pavilion #2

While Ken and Sara have taken the “good passes” to the Pepsi Center, your humble associate editor has a mere “perimeter pass,” which gives access to the parking lot. But look what we’ve found in one of the plastic “media pavilions”: the Captain Morgan’s “Captain For President” lounge, with comfy black chairs and free Tanqueray. We’re just cold eatin’ pretzel mix and watchin’ teevee with this pirate dude. Everyone come to Media Pavilion #2. The best part about this place is that they have the teevees on mute. Read more on Awesome Pirate Alcohol Party In Media Pavilion #2…
  the new prohibition

St. Paul Bars Too Cheap To Stay Open Late For Republican National Convention

Well, this is a terrible disappointment. The City of St. Paul decided to charge bars $2500 for a license to stay open till 4 a.m. during the anxious, angry slog known as the Republican National Convention — an event to make a drinker out of anyone — not a single establishment has applied. A POX ON ALL THEIR HOUSES. Read more on St. Paul Bars Too Cheap To Stay Open Late For Republican National Convention…
  get a second job or something

Have A Hot Meal With Whatsername… Clinton, Hillary!

Old Hillary Clinton has sent out another weird e-mail begging for money to cover her campaign debt. She will take you and a guest out to dinner! Hillary writes, “Summer is a time for simple pleasures: family vacations, baseball games, and dinner out under the stars. At least it is if you aren’t running for president!” Oh Jesus… Grandma’s sneaked her way into the scotch cabinet again. [Hillz] Read more on Have A Hot Meal With Whatsername… Clinton, Hillary!…