Oh blessed occasion! Monica Goodling, the former Justice Department liaison to the White House and blonde temptress who brought you the DoJ attorney firing scandal, has found herself a man to marry. What lucky fellow will be her solemn and eternal co-husband, along with Alberto Gonzales and Jesus? His identity revealed, after the jump! MORE »

Nuh uh. You’re shitting me. The Department of Justice has opened a criminal investigation into the destruction of those CIA interrogation tapes? That means either (a) Michael Mukasey will be fired immediately for not living up to the Bush standards set by Alberto Gonzales or (b) he will conclude that the tapes were fine, a little waterboarding here and there, but that’s only torture when performed by Megan Carpentier. (Shudder). [Bloomberg]

Former United States Attorney General Alberto Gonzales makes the perfect Vice Person of the Year, because he’ll always be someone’s bitch. His subservience to Bush presented itself through various Senate hearings, where even the most tabloidy of questions would spin him into the “I do not recall” zone. Did you authorize the firings of eight US Attorneys because they weren’t prosecuting the Demrats enough? I do not recall. Did you run to John Ashcroft’s bed that time to force his morphined ass into authorizing torturey goodness? I do not recall. Do you know that if you say “I do not recall” one more time, I’ll arbitrarily call you gay and make fun of you for being gay? I… do not recall. Haha, Alberto Gonzales is gay, he likes to kiss boys and stuff, don’t you Alberto? I do not recall.

At least that’s the best I can recall.

There’s nothing we can add to this: “A magazine published by the American Bar Association on Wednesday named former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales its Lawyer of the Year for 2007 — mostly for creating so much controversial news.The ABA Journal also picked Attorney General Michael Mukasey — Gonzales’ successor — to be its lawyer of the year for 2008 because he has to deal with the problems left when Gonzales resigned under fire last fall.” [AP]

Writing on the Washington Post’s blog thing this weekend, columnist Eugene Robinson came up with a reportedly good way to determine if the various “we don’t torture” torture methods should really be considered torture by American courts: Torture Bush & Alberto! But only with the approved non-torture torture methods. MORE »

Guess who hates Bush’s compromise candidate for the vacant Attorney General job? Right-wing conservatives, that’s who! Let’s learn all the reasons Judge Michael Mukasey hates America: MORE »

Meet our new Attorney General, Michael Mukasey — he is qualified because he presided over “The Case of The Blind Sheik,” which sounds totally awesome. It’s like an Arthur Conan Doyle story! Anyway he’s a 9/11 hero and hey, the Democrats will confirm him, so Bush is on tv right now looking totally pissy because he didn’t get to nominate Ted Olson like he wanted to. So Bush has now given up talking about Mukasey and is just talking about how much he loves Alberto Gonzales, “dear friend and trusted adviser.” He’s gonna miss Al. Quick little intro there! To recap: MORE »

Hey guys, another high-level Justice Department official quit yesterday! An Operative sent us the resignation email. We know nothing about this Regina Schofield woman except that she was the “Assistant Attorney General for the Office of Justice Programs,” which means she was a corrupt hack, probably. Hell, Gonzo said she “served the Department of Justice and the American people with distinction and honor” so we can’t even imagine the scope of her crimes. Oh, she was apparently in charge of fighting ONLINE PREDATORS, PROTECTING OUR KIDS, and two particularly sinister-sounding projects, “advanced law enforcement information sharing” and “the President’s DNA initiative.” Resignation letter after the jump!

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Here’s something we found from a couple years ago: MORE »

He’s back! Rudy Giuliani’s beloved YouTube campaign artist has returned with another delightful “drive around L.A. and say crazy bullshit about Republican candidates and the general political scene.” In this episode, he covers the pressing concerns of Mexicans having all the jobs, Gays having all the Republican politicians, Larry Craig’s refusal to become aroused by a hand down his pants, Mitt Romney’s sons trying to set up Larry in the airport bathroom, and other such things sure to delight Giuliani’s mouth-breathing supporters. And this time, the dude’s wearing a Tucker Carlson bowtie — wheels within wheels!

Rudy Giuliani — Not gay like Fred Thompson [YouTube]

Have you heard the story of the man who is secretly the most powerful and evil member of the Bush administration? It is one of Washington’s best-kept secrets, which means that all the major and minor news magazines have run lengthy profiles on him, calling him secretly one of the most powerful and evil members of the Bush administration. His name is David S. Addington, he was Cheney’s lawyer, and now he is Cheney’s chief of staff. MORE »