• Barack Obama has everything he needs to take over the world (1,000 kilos of moutarde de Dijon, his mother-in-law’s crystal ball, and uh, Brookstone Tempur-Pedic Comfort-Step slippers). [TPM]
• In the words of Lenin: “A lie told often enough helps Jim Inhofe manage a chubby.” [Think Progress]
• L’Alberto, a new opera by the great Monteverdi, retells the Greek tragedy of an attorney general who ventures to the Underworld, but then doesn’t recall how or why. [The Daily Dish]
• Azerbaijan, also known as “Egypt” if you subscribe to Fox News Geographic, is very sensitive about donkeys. And human rights. Best not to bring either up, if you happen to visit Cairo. [AMERICAblog]
• For Pete’s sake, how much cocaine did you people snort in the ’80s? Were you brushing your teeth with powder? Apparently, because according to Matt’s fancy Excel graph, you all got totally ripped and bought a new Porsche every day. Props. [Matt Yglesias]

The research goblins over at TPM and the New York Times are busy at work devouring thousands of pages of newly released documents regarding the US attorney firing scandal. At an undetermined point in the future, these specially evolved goblins will excrete a powdery white substance and several pages of “analysis,” or at least a few juicy quotes from Karl Rove about how he is guilty of unspeakable crimes against David Iglesias, the US attorney in New Mexico who was fired “for poor performance” (meaning, because he did not aggressively pursue Republican allegations of voter fraud). MORE »

Former Bush White House counsel and Attorney General Alberto Gonzales — whose great political achievements include conspiring with John Yoo to destroy the U.S. Constitution with MEMOS, chasing down then-AG John Ashcroft in the hospital to get him to authorize illegal domestic warrantless wiretapping programs while he was hopped up on anesthetics, and firing tons of U.S. Attorneys for not prosecuting enough Democrats during election years — has been hired to teach college students about government. This is definitely not what Thomas Jefferson & Ben Franklin had in mind when they founded Texas Tech University. [Austin American-Statesman]

Do not despair, jobless people! You’re not alone. Several members of Congress who lost their positions in the 2008 elections have yet to find gainful employment, and perennial loser Alberto Gonzales also remains at loose ends because George Bush was the only person left in America who would hire him. MORE »

• Mexican urban legend Alberto Gonzales is unable to find a job and is comically blaming the recession for this. After Barack Obama redistributes the world’s wealth to atheist hobos, a dog is expected to have eaten Gonzales’ new job. [TPMMuckraker]
• Howard Dean is doing that thing again, on the Internet, in which he gets all the “young people” to make blood pledges to keep creating Facebook groups until he is friend-requested as President of Hospitals. [Ben Smith]
• The evils of Bernie Madoff went unchecked for so long because of linguistically confused SEC-on-SEC fighting. One SECer used the following collection of similes, metaphors and analogies to “paint a picture” of said fighting: “The SEC roars like a mouse and bites like a flea,” “the relationship between the SEC’s Boston and New York offices is about as warm and cordial as the Yankees-Red Sox rivalry” and the ominously alogical “You need old foxes to come in and police the hen houses.” [Top of the Ticket]
• Sarah Palin has big plans to hunt romantic comedy lead Ashley Judd with guns from a helicopter. [CNN Political Ticker]
• Joe the Plumber has returned from journalist sleepover camp in Gaza! (Ahhh 8 weeks went by so fast you guys!) He will now work as an adviser to the GOP, a job for which it is required that other (non-children) humans go along with the conceit that Joe, the fake non-owner of a non-small plumbing business, has actual, insightful advice about a given topic. [Crooks and Liars]

During his tenure in office, George Bush created more than a housing bubble: he also fostered an “employment bubble” for high-functioning idiots, who were awarded fancy jobs in his administration and have since departed in shame and ignominy. Exhibit A: the hapless cretin, unemployed loser, and only Bush administration toady not to get a zillion dollars for his tell-all autobiography, Alberto Gonzales. MORE »

Well, it would be nice if these guys ever went to jail for anything, but it seems unlikely that they will go to jail for this. A grand jury in South Texas handed down indictments against various current and former public officials connected with wrongdoing in private prisons — including, most notably, Dick Cheney and Alberto Gonzales. The prison company, The GEO Group, was charged with three counts of murder and manslaughter. This is an ugly, complicated story, so let’s cut to the chase: how many South Texas prisoners has Dick Cheney had shipped up to his basement dungeon in the Naval Observatory for experiments? MORE »

YOU DON’T SAY: “The inspector general’s investigation found that Ms. Goodling and a handful of other senior aides to Mr. Gonzales developed a system of using in-person interviews and Internet searches to screen out candidates who might be too liberal and to identify candidates seen as pro-Republican and supportive of President Bush.” [New York Times]

Alberto Gonzales is such a pathetic hobo these days that it’s newsworthy. Do you think his family even loves him? Doesn’t he have some wife and little kids? Chances are they also will not add his last name to their first names, too. [Drudge Report]

Everyone’s favorite ex-Justice Department lady exterminator, Monica Goodling, may have fired some gal in 2006 for being a thoroughgoing LESBIAN. The DoJ’s inspector general is investigating this allegation, among others, in the never-ending U.S. Attorneys Firing Scandal investigation. As you may have heard, Monica Goodling recently got engaged to some guy from RedState, our frienemy in the War on Paultards. But does he know that before getting engaged, this very same Goodling was going around firing LESBIANS everywhere? MORE »

Another loser official from the Bush Administration is stepping down to spend time with the family, but there’s something especially funny about the departure of Emilio Gonzalez from the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services agency — because Gonzalez wrote a big whiny blog post (on the Department of Homeland Security blog, of course) about how the New York Times called him a loser! And then about a million people with varying degrees of English-as-a-Second-Language proficiency left hilarious comments! MORE »