Tag Archives: alaska

  It's like he's obsessed! Obsessed with cumulus clouds!!!

Fox News Tells Obama To Go Be A Weather Girl If He’s So Worried About Climate

Why does anyone care about permafrost? You can always get a touch-up at the salon.
Why does anyone care about permafrost? You can always get a touch-up at the salon. Barack Obama may be visiting the Arctic this week to call attention to climate change — even though self-appointed Alaska spokestwit Bristol Palin told him to stay away — but Fox News is not impressed with a bunch of dumb stories about vanishing permafrost and coastal villages being eaten by the sea. Fox wants to know why Obama thinks climate is even a thing, when there are other bad things he should be stopping, like crime. Sure, yes, how about crime, Obama? On “The Five” Tuesday, host Kimberly Guilfoyle wanted to know just why Obama is wasting his time talking about something that might not even be real! Read more on Fox News Tells Obama To Go Be A Weather Girl If He’s So Worried About Climate…
  The ONE time we expected a Palin to say something halfway smart and this happens

Sarah Palin, It’s Time To Have The ‘Denali’ Talk With Your Dumbass Daughter Bristol

Mommy is here to teach you about mountains, Bristol.
Mommy is here to teach you about mountains, Bristol. FUCKING HELL, this is getting ridiculous. Monday, we reported how Barack Obama went behind the backs of Jesus, the Statue of Liberty, Allah and Ohio Republicans by designating the tallest mountain in North America, located in Alaska, as “Denali,” a name it has ALWAYS HAD. It was only called Mt. McKinley there for a little while because this one time a prospector called it that, in the 19th century, because William McKinley was running for president, and he figured “Hey why not?” In 1975, Alaska officially did ISIS to the “McKinley” name, but the federal government didn’t catch up until the other day. Read more on Sarah Palin, It’s Time To Have The ‘Denali’ Talk With Your Dumbass Daughter Bristol…
  S-M-R-T

Let’s Watch Donald Trump And Mike Huckabee Jizz All Over America’s Tallest Mountain

Jesus says Donald Trump and Mike Huckabee are equally stupid.
Jesus says Donald Trump and Mike Huckabee are equally stupid. Oh look, it is Republican presidential candidates making a mountain out of … oh, this time they are making a mountain out of a mountain! Except they shouldn’t be making one fucking word about Obama restoring the name “Denali” to our nation’s tallest peak, because they are stupid, and it’s none of their fucking business what Alaskans want to call that big-ass mountain. (“Denali.” They want to call it “Denali.” Because that’s what they’ve always called it.) Read more on Let’s Watch Donald Trump And Mike Huckabee Jizz All Over America’s Tallest Mountain…
  Ohio Republicans Mad About A Thing

Tyrant Obama Stealing America’s Mountains Now, Giving Them Yucky Foreign Names

Wuss Mountain, more like.
Surprised he didn’t rename it Hope The Terrorists Win Mountain. Emperor Obama has issued another fatwa, and this time it is about how it’s no longer okay for North America’s highest peak, which is located right in the middle of Ohio in Alaska, to be named after President William McKinley, but rather, it should be given a funny foreign Alaskan name, “Denali.” This is obvious government overreach, as all mountains got their names directly from Jesus, when they were formed, and He wanted this one to be named after a U.S. president. You have questions, we have answers. Read more on Tyrant Obama Stealing America’s Mountains Now, Giving Them Yucky Foreign Names…
  deep thoughts

Sarah Palin Says Donald Trump Is Jesus, Basically

We already know Donald Trump makes Sarah Palin so moist in her granny panty g-string, because of how he is a hero, a gen-u-ine hero just like John McCain, only without the going to war. And we know that Donald Trump thinks Sarah is “tough and smart and just a great woman,” and he’d like to tap her in her moosehole — metaphorically, of course — and let her be the Secretary of Quittin’ Stuff, or maybe even scrawl her name in lipstick on his ballot to be his vice Trump, if we are that lucky. Read more on Sarah Palin Says Donald Trump Is Jesus, Basically…
  MAN she wants to be his running mate

Sarah Palin Likes Her Men Dumb And Drunk, Like Donald Trump

The blouse really complements her derp.
Sarah Palin loves Donald Trump, because he’s a BIG PICTURE, Joe Six-Pack kind of pompous billionaire asshole HERO, who doesn’t get mired down in little details like “policy” and “actual opinions” about stuff and things. And you know how Joe Six-Pack is, he’s a regular guy who just downed a six pack of Keystone Light and now he’s telling you what he thinks about America and you betcha, we need more people like like Joe Six-Pack, who is Donald Trump. Donald Trump! Read more on Sarah Palin Likes Her Men Dumb And Drunk, Like Donald Trump…
  You're fucked too Portland

Seattle To Be Destroyed By Biggest Earthquake Ever, Bye Seattle!

The comments section at Gawker?
OK, Portland and Seattle Wonkers, this is a public service announcement. We are going to need you to find buddies in the comments section (which does not exist), and beg them to let you crash on their couch, because you guys are going to have a REALLY BIG EARTHQUAKE. Yeah, maybe you already knew that, but the rest of America is finding out now, thanks to a fascinating long-read in The New Yorker on what may end up being the biggest natural disaster in U.S. American history. This isn’t some wussy San Andreas Fault 7-point whatever business, this is more along the lines of the 2011 quake in Tōhoku, Japan, which registered 9.0 on the Richter scale and triggered the tsunami that triggered the Fukushima nuclear reactor meltdowns. This is big shit. Read more on Seattle To Be Destroyed By Biggest Earthquake Ever, Bye Seattle!…
  Tomorrow Is Another Day

Sarah Palin Loses Fox News ‘Job’ Again, Guess She’ll Have To Find New ‘Job’

Wait, you're saying she was still on Fox? Huh.
Toll the bells, America, for an era, it endeth: Fox News will not renew Sarah Palin’s contract. Oh, how the mighty have fallen! Never again will Fox viewers ever see their Beloved on the telescreen, except for whenever she wants to show up as a non-contracted guest, which will probably be about as often as she actually “worked” for the network after it brought her back the second time: Read more on Sarah Palin Loses Fox News ‘Job’ Again, Guess She’ll Have To Find New ‘Job’…
  So long farewell aufwiedersehen fuck off

Let’s Remember 11 Times Rupert Murdoch Was A Giant Cretinous Sh*thead

Don't get your old dick caught in the door on the way out.
The day you all feared would come is nigh, Wonkers: Rupert Murdoch is stepping down as CEO of 21st Century Fox and giving the company to his son James, though he will reportedly still be executive chairman of the enterprise and, according to CNBC, will likely “still have the final say on whatever goes on at Fox.” WE KNOW, dry your eyes. So many questions! Will Roger Ailes still have a job? Will Fox News continue to suck so hard? (The answers are “probably” and “definitely.”) Read more on Let’s Remember 11 Times Rupert Murdoch Was A Giant Cretinous Sh*thead…
  Your Honor that is HIGHLY inappropriate

Alaska Judge In Big Trouble, Just For Saying Rapey Words To Everybody

Be quiet so the judge can say sex words to you!
Meet your new favorite judge in America, Wonkers! He is Nome Superior Court Judge Timothy Dooley, and he is being officially reprimanded by the Alaska Commission On Judicial Conduct, just because he has a habit of saying some very colorful things about ladies in the courtroom. For instance, this one time he wanted to make extra certain those present knew that a 14-year-old girl who had been sexually abused wasn’t some common whore, like all those “temptresses” out there, who force their attackers to rape them: Read more on Alaska Judge In Big Trouble, Just For Saying Rapey Words To Everybody…
  Go on and spite that face

Moocher Red States Still Don’t Want Free Healthcare Money With Obama’s Name On It

Morans
While more than half of our American U.S. states are proficient enough at math to conclude that free dollars from the federal government to expand healthcare access to low-income citizens is a really good deal, some Republicans who are terrible at math and terrible at legislating and terrible in general still can’t quite add it up. Five years after passage of the Affordable Care Act, some red states are still debating, or outright refusing, free money because they just really REALLY hate President Obama: Read more on Moocher Red States Still Don’t Want Free Healthcare Money With Obama’s Name On It…
  Followed by Faghatin' Fridays and Sexist Saturdays

Army Unit Has ‘Racial Thursdays’ Tradition To Relieve Stress Of Not Being Racist The Other Days

Come to serve your country, stay for the constant racial denigration!
Who is in trouble for racism this time? Oh, hello, it is a platoon of soldiers at Fort Wainwright in Alaska who have allegedly been holding an unauthorized “Racial Thursdays” event, where everybody gets to say all the awful racist shit that they’ve been thinking the whole week, but have had to swallow, due to the pressures of being civilized human beings: Read more on Army Unit Has ‘Racial Thursdays’ Tradition To Relieve Stress Of Not Being Racist The Other Days…
  it's the ciiiiiiircle of life

Alaska’s Don Young: Let Wolves Kill All The Homeless People, Then We Can Kill All The Wolves!

You will be pleased to know that Alaska’s Republican Rep. Don Young has opened his mouth hole again. Did he say that people commit suicide because their friends and families aren’t supportive enough? Did he confess to murdering somebody for touching him on the arm? Did he wax nostalgically about his days on the farm, what with the “wetbacks” pickin’ all their tomatoes? NO, those were other times he opened the latch on his brain and let things spew forth. This time he just said that hey, you know what would fix homelessness? Wolves would fix homelessness, all y’all cities got homeless people because you ain’t got no wolves runnin’ free: Read more on Alaska’s Don Young: Let Wolves Kill All The Homeless People, Then We Can Kill All The Wolves!…
  Science Is Hard So Don't Believe It

Scientists Directly Observe Greenhouse Effect, Like That Proves Anything

Atmospheric Emitted Radiance Interferometer near Barrow, Alaska. Note that there's still snow. SO FAKE.
In some pretty cool science that won’t change the mind of a single climate denier, climate scientists have observed carbon dioxide trapping heat in the atmosphere, which you’d think would be enormously important evidence that would put an end to the “debate” over global warming. We’re going to have to call Salon’s headline about the news just a tad optimistic, though: “Scientists stick it to climate deniers: Study provides direct evidence that human activity is causing global warming.” Read more on Scientists Directly Observe Greenhouse Effect, Like That Proves Anything…
  Wild Thing

Obama To Save Lazy Polar Bears Even Though They Don’t Even Have Jobs

Look at these arctic fox babies. LOOK AT THEM
This post supported by a grant from the Patty Dumpling Endowed Chair For Occasional Coverage of Not Spilling Oil All Over the Damn Planet With the Republicans’ top priority being the building of a pipeline to transport some of the dirtiest petroleum on the planet, we’re pretty chuffed to see that Barack Obama is replying by announcing Sunday that he’d very much like to designate Alaska’s Arctic National Wildlife Refuge as protected wilderness, so it won’t be drilled, baby, drilled. Wilderness designation would make the 12 million acres of the Refuge permanently off-limits to development, including oil exploration. Obama announced the plan with a pretty nifty video: Read more on Obama To Save Lazy Polar Bears Even Though They Don’t Even Have Jobs…