• SARAH PALIN STALKING YOUNG TEEN GIRLS: “As I stand here in a high school gymnasium watching freshmen girls’ basketball games, I’m struck by the sight of America’s future right in front of me - these tenacious young women full of energy and intensity. I want them to realize every opportunity this great, free nation can provide.” [...Babbles for a few paragraphs about Republican gubernatorial candidates...] “The young student athletes I’m watching right now are counting on us to do the right thing - to fight for what is right for America today and into their future.” This is clearly a veiled critique of Barack Obama’s hatred of ladies on the basketball court. [Sarah Palin Facebook Notes!]

As long as we’ve “known” Sarah Palin, she has been the family-having homeworker dinner-cooking hockey mom with a husband who performs manual labor outdoors, for money. But now neither of these descriptions bear any resemblance to reality, because Todd Palin has quit his job in the oil field. This is what we would call an “I’m rich biotch!” moment, because Todd Palin is now rich through his wife, as the advance and sales of her ghostwritten diarrhea pamphlet should sop up most/all of the remaining wealth in America. Meg, being funny: “Meghan Stapleton, Sarah Palin’s personal spokeswoman, says Todd Palin hopes to return to his union job and for now is spending time with his family.” False, and false. But good for Todd! This whole thing has been a real windfall for him, hmm? [AP]

• Matt Yglesias wants to sex machen with German Mädchen, big time. [Matt Yglesias]
• Rush Limbaugh was curled up on his La-Z-boy. He had just finished reading Du Bois’ The Souls of White Folk and was feeling particularly vulnerable. Opiates helped relieve the pain, but it’s hard being white in a black man’s world. Rush cut up a few lines of Oxycontin with his Price Chopper Chopper Shopper Card. I will start the white civil rights movement he thought to himself. And then he celebrated with some Oxycontin up his nose. [Think Progress]
• For the man who has everything except a Michele Bachmann action figure. [TPM]
• The brave Americans who defended Alaska from the Japanese during the Battle of Midway will receive a pension of Zero Yen if Barack Obama has his way — and he always has his way! Meanwhile, Barack is busy eating ice cream cones. Despicable. [RedState]
• Onward, Christian soldiers! [True/Slant: Laurie Essig]

Tipster “TJBeck” sends us this NASA Earth Observatory “Image of the Day” of Alaska, which is completely on fire. How very “Saddam Hussein” of an exit, Sarah Palin! And nice touch with the targeted scorching of “Little Black One.” [NASA]

Still no word on whether or not that whole “OMG Sarah and Todd are getting divorced” thing is any more true than the whole “OMG Palin is resigning because she’s under federal investigation” thing. Will these sorts of rumors fall into the same bucket as “Dick Cheney resigning as VP due to Libby/war crimes/etc. and will be replaced by Condi Rice,” or will they eventually be proven as factual as “John Edwards enjoyed boning dippy videographer while wife had cancer”? Time will tell! But in the meantime, here is a delightful letter from ex-governor Palin’s lawyer, offering to frighten a room full of little children because a blogger was spreading rumors about Sarah Palin’s marriage. [AlaskaReport]

• OH GOD, DO WE AGREE WITH MEG STAPLETON? Man, a lot of you people are taking this thing quite seriously! Who knows if any of it is true, because my oh my, that’s some sketchy sourcing — it doesn’t even exist, in fact! And even if they were going to get a divorce, but wanted to keep it to themselves for now … that’s understandable. So everyone go PLAY OUTSIDE. The world is literally your oyster. [Alaska Report, Mediaite]

Did you see Sarah Palin’s goodbye speech? Neither did we! But we heard it was “special,” and that she even wrote it herself (which explains everything). Here’s Star Wars hero Dr. Spock reciting Palin’s mumbo-jumbo, with bongo accompaniment! [Conan O'Brien]

Oh yeah you might want to see this, right? It’s Sarah Palin’s “goodbye and fuck you all, except the military families, you keep us safe” speech. Check it out!

This is it you guys, today is Sarah Palin’s last day as Vice President of Alaska! But enough about Sarah Palin, because while of course it is just a matter of time until the Palin de’Medicis once again gain control of Wasilla and therefore the entirety of the snowy north—either through Willow, the Dauphiness of Juneau, or whenever Palin’s TwitterBerry becomes self-aware—in the meantime, Alaska’s new top Alaskan is Sean Parnell. What does America know about Sean Parnell? And what does America need to know about Sean Parnell? Nothing and nothing, respectively. MORE »

Hey YOU GUYS why is this day different from all other days? Because it is the very last weekday in the history of Man in which Sarah Palin will serve the great state of Alaska as its mascot. On Saturday she will rest. And on Sunday she will turn over the reins of power to somebody who won’t be harassed to death by frivolous libtards. MORE »

Much like her political cousin Gordon Brown, Alaskan anger bear Sarah Palin loves to slather on the makeup with a trowel. But when she finally takes it off at the end of a hard night’s twitterin’, the results are NOT what’s best for Alaska. MORE »