Thanks to the Young Turks for making the video that will heal America: a retrospective of our dearly departed Republican candidates. God, these guys were fun. Fortunately, Mike Huckabee and Mitt Romney will probably run again in four or eight years, and those candidacies will probably launch in a few months. In the meantime, vote in our poll for which monster you miss the most. MORE »

Cast your mind back to the days before Barack Obama was our President. Do you remember that time in 2004 when he ran for the Senate? And how his first opponent dropped out because the guy wanted to see his alien wife having sex in public? And then Alan Keyes threw his hat in the ring, giving the American public the gift of 86 days of unadulterated crazy? Good times! MORE »

… almost 3:1 over McCain. But the real story is Alan Keyes, who earned more than twice the votes of Rudy Giuliani and Fred Thompson combined. The Keyes SURGE, it’s finally happening! [Kansas GOP]

Wonkette operative Brian Ries took this photo of secret masturbation in Bushwick, Brooklyn, NY. Since this person must be a hippie, who is he masturbating for — Alan Keyes?

Middling presidential candidate Alan Keyes, famous for being the most recent person to lose to Barack Obama in Illnois, will see Rudy’s long-haul Florida strategy and raise him a Texas. Political newbies should take note of this healthy campaign strategy: MORE »

Alan Keyes continues to run for the president of something, and he has a new video on his internets! And a philosophizing one it is, indeed. According to Alan: If perception is reality, and reality is a “creature,” then this creature is God, reality becomes perception, and God and Jesus love each other, and Kermit the Frog is sovereign, then the Universe is a social construct made by enraged Muslim wombats. [Alan Keyes For President]

Huckabee, your month of surging is over. Those major newspaper endorsements for John McCain are finally kicking in, according to a just-released American Research Group poll. He’s tied for the lead in New Hampshire and second in Iowa. It’s like the summer and/or fall of 2006 all over again! Enjoy it while it lasts, Walnuts, before Alan Keyes or some other dingus starts “surging” in January. [American Research Group]

In my favorite clip of the week, here’s Alan Keyes being a rude little prat, and then an idiot, and then both at the same time during today’s otherwise boring Republican debate. Oh, and Alan — an irate black Kermit the Frog called, and he wants his irate black voice back.

Alan Keyes’ bid for the nomination is all but wrapped up. But just in case there are any doubts, more liveblogging! Continued from here. MORE »

Oh that’s right, he’s somehow running for president and made it into the Des Moines Register Republican debate! And it’s starting at 2 p.m., which is like right around now. Who’s suddenly more psyched for this liveblogging experience? Oh I know who is: Everyone! Go steal some beers from your boss’ fridge or stop studying for those final exams, because we iz startings… MORE »

From the comments: “Hey, look at the article. Alan Keyes announced he’s running, for reals. Hooray!” [Wonkette Comments]