• THE ONLY PHOTO OF ALAN KEYES PUSHING A SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS STROLLER FULL OF ABORTED CABBAGE PATCH DOLLS YOU’LL NEED TO SEE TODAY: Oh look, nutbar is back at Notre Dame. [New York Times]

So we’re finally getting around to reading Obama’s second book, The Audacity of Hope, because we didn’t want to read it before the election and get all pissed off at the guy for writing some bullshit hardcover pamphlet about the Politics. His first book, I Dream of Africa, was pretty good! All the more reason to be wary of the one he wrote after he was in the Senate. Would there be moments of “BLAM!” in it? Probably not. But there are some funny stories, it turns out! MORE »

Alan Keyes wanted to get arrested at Notre Dame and thrown in jail forever so very much that… well he just COULD NOT WAIT until the actually graduation ceremony in nine days! He and some friends were apprehended on the Notre Dame campus today, for trespassing: “Keyes was among a group of 26 protesters, some of them pushing baby carriages with dolls covered in fake blood.” Is your pscyhology all fucked up now, liberals?! Oh. Anyway all of these folks turned down the $250 bail option and will starve to death in this jail… meaning more abortions for the rest of us! [Chicago Breaking News]

Father to a lesbian Hell Demon and former “Maryland diplomat” Alan Keyes, the self-proclaimed “abortion of politics,” well he’s going to Notre Dame, is what he’s doing, to protest Barack Obama’s upcoming commencement speech alongside the bloody baby carriages and Abortion Planes. Remember that not five years ago, Alan Keyes was Barack Obama’s general election opponent for the United States Senate. Now Obama is president, and Keyes is the obnoxious slob who stands near the back of the auditorium at Obama’s speeches shouting arbitrary, violent Bible verses for a few seconds before getting arrested. And Keyes is really looking forward to getting arrested at Notre Dame and spending the rest of his life in an Indiana county prison. MORE »

Alan Keyes demands that we not laugh, but HAAHHHAHAHAH. This is the best Alan Keyes nonsense since that time he said, “I kind of represent, in political terms, the abortion.” Oh man. What? Just keep in mind that this person ran against Barack Obama for a United States Senate seat. And somehow Obama won! [YouTube]

Alan Keyes’ political career has been a constant series of embarrassing failures, so pathetic that even Keyes recently referred to himself as this: “I kind of represent, in political terms, the abortion.” In recent years, his unmitigated disasters include losing to Barry Obama in the 2004 Illinois Senate race by ~250%, sneaking into a Republican debate in Iowa late last year only to complain to the moderator for 63 seconds about not getting 60 seconds of speaking time, and losing the Constitution Party’s nomination a few months ago to some schmo named Chuck Baldwin, a known Paultard. Today, however, we received a press release telling us the glamorous news: “American Independent Party of California Nominates Alan Keyes for President.” Even though he finally won a nomination for something, this surely stands as his most spectacular failure yet. MORE »

Our favorite abortion of a politician (and ex-2008 presidential candidate), Alan Keyes, held an interview recently where he confirmed that he is, in fact, an abortion of a politician. Nay — he is the official Dead Fetus of Politics. In his words: “Suddenly last night the Lord shared with me that, Alan, the child that you are defending in the womb…in the act of procreation, people are joyfully, ecstatically, with great pleasure in every fiber of their being, saying “yes” to the coming of that new life. They invite the child in. And then in abortion, they kill it. I kind of represent, in political terms, the abortion. You’re invited in, but they kill you. You’re invited in, but they kill you.” So if Alan Keyes supports himself, then he supports killin’ babies? What a comical genius. Video after the jump. MORE »

The enfeebled Mexican liberal John McCain might be the presumptive nominee of the Republican party, but that didn’t stop about 25 percent of the Republican voters in recent primaries from casting their ballots for such worthies as Alan Keyes, Ron Paul, Mike Huckabee, and “Undecided.” So how will the candidate who is barely tolerated by most of his voters and enthusiastically loathed by a significant few hope to do in the fall? MORE »

In what pundits have described as “the most contentious” nomination battle in the Constitution Party’s 16-year history, famous nut Alan Keyes has lost the bid to radio host Chuck Baldwin in a blatant act of white racism. The party held its national convention in Kansas City over the weekend and selected Baldwin over the towering figure of Keyes by a vote of 384-126. Thus ends Alan Keyes’ winding path towards the White House in 2008, the highlight of which was this hilarious performance at a Republican debate in December, which we honor in the above clip. [Kansas City Star]

After weeks of extensive research, we have at last determined why Alan Keyes won the Constitution Party Straw Poll: because he is a member of this party! That’s right, he is no longer a Republican. How long ago did he change parties? Probably about a million years ago, but nobody noticed because this is the story of Alan Keyes’ life. He does something vaguely interesting or newsworthy, and several years or months later somebody says “Huh,” and goes back to what they were doing. [Conservative Pulse]

Alan Keyes today beat 400,000 ex-presidents, or just himself, in the Constitution Party’s nomination straw poll! What is wrong with him? He can’t save the Constitution, only Ron Paul can do that. Or is that just racism? We do not know what any of this means as far as Hillary and Barack in Amish country goes. But it absolutely means something. [Constitution Party]