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Posts Tagged “Alan Keyes”

beloved political icons

Nearly 25% Of Republicans Still Despise John McCain

The enfeebled Mexican liberal John McCain might be the presumptive nominee of the Republican party, but that didn't stop about 25 percent of the Republican voters in recent primaries from casting their ballots for such worthies as Alan Keyes, Ron Paul, Mike Huckabee, and "Undecided." So how will the candidate who is barely tolerated by most of his voters and enthusiastically loathed by a significant few hope to do in the fall? More »

9:31 AM on Fri May 9 2008
By saraksmith
1,896 views, 47 comments

ruined

Alan Keyes Loses Constitution Party Nomination!

In what pundits have described as "the most contentious" nomination battle in the Constitution Party's 16-year history, famous nut Alan Keyes has lost the bid to radio host Chuck Baldwin in a blatant act of white racism. The party held its national convention in Kansas City over the weekend and selected Baldwin over the towering figure of Keyes by a vote of 384-126. Thus ends Alan Keyes' winding path towards the White House in 2008, the highlight of which was this hilarious performance at a Republican debate in December, which we honor in the above clip. [Kansas City Star]

12:55 PM on Mon Apr 28 2008
By Newell
1,304 views, 35 comments

Latest by dxh: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! I was so looking forward to the Libertarian/Green/Constitution Party C-SPAN Debate because of him! more »

flip-floppers

People Finally Noticing That Alan Keyes Changed Parties

After weeks of extensive research, we have at last determined why Alan Keyes won the Constitution Party Straw Poll: because he is a member of this party! That's right, he is no longer a Republican. How long ago did he change parties? Probably about a million years ago, but nobody noticed because this is the story of Alan Keyes' life. He does something vaguely interesting or newsworthy, and several years or months later somebody says "Huh," and goes back to what they were doing. [Conservative Pulse]

3:18 PM on Fri Mar 28 2008
By saraksmith
1,067 views, 21 comments

Latest by elburrito: @Eac_o_System: I was wondering what Ron Paul has been doing with all that 'Running for President' money he got. He's making snappy graphics! more »

alan keyes

BREAKING: Alan Keyes Is President of Constitution Party Straw Poll

Alan Keyes today beat 400,000 ex-presidents, or just himself, in the Constitution Party's nomination straw poll! What is wrong with him? He can't save the Constitution, only Ron Paul can do that. Or is that just racism? We do not know what any of this means as far as Hillary and Barack in Amish country goes. But it absolutely means something. [Constitution Party]

11:45 PM on Sat Mar 8 2008
By Newell
1,799 views, 52 comments

monsters

Missing The Republican Candidates, A Retrospective



Thanks to the Young Turks for making the video that will heal America: a retrospective of our dearly departed Republican candidates. God, these guys were fun. Fortunately, Mike Huckabee and Mitt Romney will probably run again in four or eight years, and those candidacies will probably launch in a few months. In the meantime, vote in our poll for which monster you miss the most. More »

1:01 PM on Fri Mar 7 2008
By Newell
1,606 views, 35 comments

teh crazy

Who Is To Blame For Alan Keyes' Shocking '04 Senate Loss To Obama?

Cast your mind back to the days before Barack Obama was our President. Do you remember that time in 2004 when he ran for the Senate? And how his first opponent dropped out because the guy wanted to see his alien wife having sex in public? And then Alan Keyes threw his hat in the ring, giving the American public the gift of 86 days of unadulterated crazy? Good times! More »

9:33 AM on Mon Feb 11 2008
By saraksmith
3,383 views, 37 comments

kansas caucus

Huckabee Wins Kansas...

… almost 3:1 over McCain. But the real story is Alan Keyes, who earned more than twice the votes of Rudy Giuliani and Fred Thompson combined. The Keyes SURGE, it’s finally happening! [Kansas GOP]

7:15 PM on Sat Feb 9 2008
By Newell
1,019 views, 31 comments

super tuesday polling pix

But What Is He Doing In There?

Wonkette operative Brian Ries took this photo of secret masturbation in Bushwick, Brooklyn, NY. Since this person must be a hippie, who is he masturbating for — Alan Keyes?

1:32 PM on Tue Feb 5 2008
By Newell
815 views, 27 comments

new campaign strategies

Alan Keyes To Win Nomination in Texas, That's the Ticket

Middling presidential candidate Alan Keyes, famous for being the most recent person to lose to Barack Obama in Illnois, will see Rudy’s long-haul Florida strategy and raise him a Texas. Political newbies should take note of this healthy campaign strategy: More »

2:49 PM on Tue Jan 29 2008
By Newell
2,085 views, 32 comments

alan keyes

Alan Keyes Can Define My Reality, Alright


Alan Keyes continues to run for the president of something, and he has a new video on his internets! And a philosophizing one it is, indeed. According to Alan: If perception is reality, and reality is a “creature,” then this creature is God, reality becomes perception, and God and Jesus love each other, and Kermit the Frog is sovereign, then the Universe is a social construct made by enraged Muslim wombats. [Alan Keyes For President]

4:26 PM on Fri Dec 21 2007
By Newell
1,219 views, 35 comments

Latest by dickcheneysblacksister: @it_was_a_boojum: I THOUGHT I detected a nictitating membrane when he started blinking! more »

polls

It's WALNUTS! Time Now

Huckabee, your month of surging is over. Those major newspaper endorsements for John McCain are finally kicking in, according to a just-released American Research Group poll. He’s tied for the lead in New Hampshire and second in Iowa. It’s like the summer and/or fall of 2006 all over again! Enjoy it while it lasts, Walnuts, before Alan Keyes or some other dingus starts “surging” in January. [American Research Group]

2:27 PM on Thu Dec 20 2007
By Newell
555 views, 19 comments

alan keyes

Snarf Alan Keyes Snarf Snarf


In my favorite clip of the week, here’s Alan Keyes being a rude little prat, and then an idiot, and then both at the same time during today’s otherwise boring Republican debate. Oh, and Alan — an irate black Kermit the Frog called, and he wants his irate black voice back.

4:30 PM on Wed Dec 12 2007
By Newell
5,900 views, 86 comments

liveblogging the des moines register debates

Liveblogging Teh Iowaz, Part II

Alan Keyes’ bid for the nomination is all but wrapped up. But just in case there are any doubts, more liveblogging! Continued from here. More »

2:46 PM on Wed Dec 12 2007
By Newell
2,784 views, 103 comments

liveblogging the des moines register debates

It's Debate Time, And Guess Who's Joining!

Oh that’s right, he’s somehow running for president and made it into the Des Moines Register Republican debate! And it’s starting at 2 p.m., which is like right around now. Who’s suddenly more psyched for this liveblogging experience? Oh I know who is: Everyone! Go steal some beers from your boss’ fridge or stop studying for those final exams, because we iz startings… More »

1:50 PM on Wed Dec 12 2007
By Newell
4,222 views, 114 comments

From the comments: “Hey, look at the article. Alan Keyes announced he’s running, for reals. Hooray!” [Wonkette Comments]

13 comments

dept. of it takes a nation of millions

GOP Frontrunners Also Hate White American Christian Evangelicals

Just hours ago, we brought you the charming story of Mitt, Rudy, Walnuts and Fred saying “no thanks, black people” to the Tavis Smiley debate at the “historically black college in Baltimore.” Well guess who else gets no love from the Republican Frontrunners? Poor white people who believe in Jesus! More »

6:57 PM on Mon Sep 17 2007
By KLayne
4,384 views, 16 comments

Supporters of Alan Keyes plan on attending the Iowa Straw Poll to float their guy as a potential presidential candidate, because only he possesses the kryptonite ring that can stop Barry Hussein. [AlanKeyes.com via Political Wire]

12 comments

dept. of one million candidates

America Wants Alan Keyes For President!

Now that people have actually looked at Fred Thompson and realized he’s not Sam Watterson but is actually a lazy mumbler who marries strippers, the search is on for a candidate who is actually a reincarnated Reagan. And as last night’s atrocious debate proved, none of those geeks will ever be president of anything. More »

3:27 PM on Wed Jun 6 2007
By KLayne
2,084 views, 29 comments