Wonkette

Alan Keyes’ political career has been a constant series of embarrassing failures, so pathetic that even Keyes recently referred to himself as this: “I kind of represent, in political terms, the abortion.” In recent years, his unmitigated disasters include losing to Barry Obama in the 2004 Illinois Senate race by ~250%, sneaking into a Republican debate in Iowa late last year only to complain to the moderator for 63 seconds about not getting 60 seconds of speaking time, and losing the Constitution Party’s nomination a few months ago to some schmo named Chuck Baldwin, a known Paultard. Today, however, we received a press release telling us the glamorous news: “American Independent Party of California Nominates Alan Keyes for President.” Even though he finally won a nomination for something, this surely stands as his most spectacular failure yet. MORE »

Our favorite abortion of a politician (and ex-2008 presidential candidate), Alan Keyes, held an interview recently where he confirmed that he is, in fact, an abortion of a politician. Nay — he is the official Dead Fetus of Politics. In his words: “Suddenly last night the Lord shared with me that, Alan, the child that you are defending in the womb…in the act of procreation, people are joyfully, ecstatically, with great pleasure in every fiber of their being, saying “yes” to the coming of that new life. They invite the child in. And then in abortion, they kill it. I kind of represent, in political terms, the abortion. You’re invited in, but they kill you. You’re invited in, but they kill you.” So if Alan Keyes supports himself, then he supports killin’ babies? What a comical genius. Video after the jump. MORE »

The enfeebled Mexican liberal John McCain might be the presumptive nominee of the Republican party, but that didn’t stop about 25 percent of the Republican voters in recent primaries from casting their ballots for such worthies as Alan Keyes, Ron Paul, Mike Huckabee, and “Undecided.” So how will the candidate who is barely tolerated by most of his voters and enthusiastically loathed by a significant few hope to do in the fall? MORE »

In what pundits have described as “the most contentious” nomination battle in the Constitution Party’s 16-year history, famous nut Alan Keyes has lost the bid to radio host Chuck Baldwin in a blatant act of white racism. The party held its national convention in Kansas City over the weekend and selected Baldwin over the towering figure of Keyes by a vote of 384-126. Thus ends Alan Keyes’ winding path towards the White House in 2008, the highlight of which was this hilarious performance at a Republican debate in December, which we honor in the above clip. [Kansas City Star]

After weeks of extensive research, we have at last determined why Alan Keyes won the Constitution Party Straw Poll: because he is a member of this party! That’s right, he is no longer a Republican. How long ago did he change parties? Probably about a million years ago, but nobody noticed because this is the story of Alan Keyes’ life. He does something vaguely interesting or newsworthy, and several years or months later somebody says “Huh,” and goes back to what they were doing. [Conservative Pulse]

Alan Keyes today beat 400,000 ex-presidents, or just himself, in the Constitution Party’s nomination straw poll! What is wrong with him? He can’t save the Constitution, only Ron Paul can do that. Or is that just racism? We do not know what any of this means as far as Hillary and Barack in Amish country goes. But it absolutely means something. [Constitution Party]

Thanks to the Young Turks for making the video that will heal America: a retrospective of our dearly departed Republican candidates. God, these guys were fun. Fortunately, Mike Huckabee and Mitt Romney will probably run again in four or eight years, and those candidacies will probably launch in a few months. In the meantime, vote in our poll for which monster you miss the most. MORE »

Cast your mind back to the days before Barack Obama was our President. Do you remember that time in 2004 when he ran for the Senate? And how his first opponent dropped out because the guy wanted to see his alien wife having sex in public? And then Alan Keyes threw his hat in the ring, giving the American public the gift of 86 days of unadulterated crazy? Good times! MORE »

… almost 3:1 over McCain. But the real story is Alan Keyes, who earned more than twice the votes of Rudy Giuliani and Fred Thompson combined. The Keyes SURGE, it’s finally happening! [Kansas GOP]

Wonkette operative Brian Ries took this photo of secret masturbation in Bushwick, Brooklyn, NY. Since this person must be a hippie, who is he masturbating for — Alan Keyes?

Middling presidential candidate Alan Keyes, famous for being the most recent person to lose to Barack Obama in Illnois, will see Rudy’s long-haul Florida strategy and raise him a Texas. Political newbies should take note of this healthy campaign strategy: MORE »