Tag Archives: alabama

  Deepest Sympathies For Your Being Black

Alabama Governor Consoles Family Of Murdered 8-Year-Old Black Girl By Suggesting Their Dysfunction Killed Her (Updated)

May this face haunt Robert Benchley's dreams forever
UPDATE: A spokeswoman for Gov. Bentley has offered an explanation; see end of post. Hiawayi Robinson, of Pritchard, Alabama, a small city on the north side of Mobile, was looking forward to turning nine years old next week. On Tuesday, Hiawayi had talked to her father on the phone about what she wanted for her birthday (a laptop computer) and told him that she was going downstairs to see if her cousin was home. She never came back. Read more on Alabama Governor Consoles Family Of Murdered 8-Year-Old Black Girl By Suggesting Their Dysfunction Killed Her (Updated)…
  And No Religion Too

Alabama Idiot Thinks Constitution Based On Ten Commandments, Is Incorrect

It still includes the plagues
Hey, there’s also some Non-Ferguson news today! For instance, in Scottsboro, Alabama, Jackson County Commissioner Tim Guffey (R-like you need to ask), wants to include the Ten Commandments in a monument that already features the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, because, he says, the Ten Commandments are a historical document that, like the other two, are among our nation’s founding documents and also too are not the least bit religious, no siree. Read more on Alabama Idiot Thinks Constitution Based On Ten Commandments, Is Incorrect…
  this is excellent news for john mccain

WND: Barack Obama Was Not Born In America Or Even At All Maybe

That's just what he wants you to think
In the years since President Obama first usurped the White House, we have come to expect a certain level of sophistication to the reasons why he should be impeached, or sued but really impeached. For invading countries too much and not enough. For being the weakest mom jeans-wearing tyrant ever. For spending 27 hours a day covering up Benghazi while playing too much golf. Et cetera ad infinitum ad nauseam oy vey. Read more on WND: Barack Obama Was Not Born In America Or Even At All Maybe…
  I know you are but what am I?

Why Is Obama Race-Warring These White People By Making Them Scream At The Border Children?

Sarah IS the Murrieta Protester
You know how the Republican Party holds a weekly lottery, and the lucky winner gets to be the spokesderp who explains why Democrats are the REAL something-or-others? The real racists, the real sexists, the real bigots, the real warring on Freedom & Liberty-ists — whatever kind of hate the GOP is vomiting all over America, there’s always some Republican out there saying “nuh uh, YOU ARE” or, as those of us who passed Psych 101 in college remember, “projecting.” Read more on Why Is Obama Race-Warring These White People By Making Them Scream At The Border Children?…
  how long can this go on?

Alabama Republican: When God Gives You Coal, You Have To Light It On Fire

You won’t be surprised to learn that here at Wonkette, we generally do not believe in signs and portents from God. God doesn’t arrange things so that our favorite team could win the Super Bowl. God for sure isn’t making us rich, because fuck we are not rich. This belief system, or lack thereof, brings us into direct conflict with the commissioner-elect of Alabama’s Public Service Commission, who is pretty sure that God gave ‘Bama coal, and that’s why ‘Bama has to use it. Birds gotta fly, fish gotta swim, coal’s gotta burn. Read more on Alabama Republican: When God Gives You Coal, You Have To Light It On Fire…
  not just whistling

Secessionist Maryland GOP Candidate Remembers The Good Old ‘Dixie’ Days

The secret of his secession
Here’s Mike Peroutka, a great Constitutional Scholar who knows that the key to understanding our founding document is to read the Bible. He’s also a member of the neo-Confederate League of the South, an advocate of secession, and the Republican nominee for Anne Arundel County Council in Maryland. And he loves his country, although we aren’t entirely sure what country that is. You see, following a speech he gave at the 2012 League of the South national conference in Alabama, he was recorded asking the audience to stand up and sing the “National Anthem” — and then he launched into a round of “Dixie,” with the audience enthusiastically singing along: Read more on Secessionist Maryland GOP Candidate Remembers The Good Old ‘Dixie’ Days…
  buttsechs

Alabama A.G. Wants To Outlaw Consensual Butt-Sechs, Because Rape Or Something

Eleven years ago, the Supreme Court decided Lawrence v. Texas, which struck down laws saying you couldn’t put your peener in another adult man’s butthole. (At least, that was how Antonin Scalia characterized it in his “colorful” dissent!) Well time moves slowly in ol’ Alabammy, as it was just three days ago that an appeals court there did the same! And yet Luther Strange — LUTHER STRANGE — the state’s Attorney General, isn’t sure that’s the wisest course of action, activist judge dudes, because if there aren’t laws against sodomy, how will he be able to prosecute gay rapes of passed-out schoolchildren? Maybe you should have thought of THAT, state appeals court, before you struck down laws about consensual buttsechs! Read more on Alabama A.G. Wants To Outlaw Consensual Butt-Sechs, Because Rape Or Something…
  sweet home

Gun Humpers Fight For Their Right To Shoot Up All The Polling Places, For Freedom

Remember when history’s greatest and most pervasive monsters, the New Black Panther Party, showed up with a whopping two dudes or so in Philly in 2008 and stood around intimidating little old white ladies by holding doors open for them and everyone over at The Daily Blaze Glenn Caller Beck Show whined all the whines in the world? We’d so like to line up those crybabies to chat a wee bit about yesterday’s voting in Alabama, which was basically nothing but GunNutPalooza, with living stereotypes demanding to tote their guns from the pickup truck to the voting booth like Jesus and America said they could, and then wailing SO HARD if they couldn’t. Read more on Gun Humpers Fight For Their Right To Shoot Up All The Polling Places, For Freedom…
  separation of derp and state

Alabama Chief Justice Has Special Constitution Where First Amendment Is Only For Christians

You guys all remember Judge Roy Moore, the Alabama Hero who was removed from the Alabama Supreme Court after refusing to comply with a U.S. Supreme Court order to remove a two-ton Ten Commandments monument that he’d installed at the court. That was back in 2003, don’t you feel old? And then he got reelected to the Alabama Supremes in 2012 — as Chief Justice, no less, because Roy Moore is the freakin’ Joe Arpaio of Alabama jurisprudence: the bigger an asshole he is, the more they love him, because he hates all the right people. (Last year, there were high hopes he’d declare Barack Obama UnPresident, but that failed to happen somehow.) Well, Chief Justice Roy Moore has gotten himself a little more attention this week, after a recent* speech to a “Pastors For Life” luncheon sponsored by Pro-Life Mississippi, where the top jurist for an entire state told the assembled faithful that the First Amendment only applies to Christians, since, as any fool knows, “Buddha didn’t create us, Mohammed didn’t create us, it’s the God of the Holy Scriptures” who breathed life into Adam and Eve, about 6000 years ago at that. (And no, don’t you go saying that all the Abrahamic religions worship the same God, because what are you, a terrorist?) Read more on Alabama Chief Justice Has Special Constitution Where First Amendment Is Only For Christians…
  the civil whites movement

Sundays With The Christianists: U.S. History Textbooks That Know What’s Watts

This week, we’ll wrap up our rightwing Christian-school textbooks’ version of the 1960s as they actually happened — not the way the liberal media would have you believe — with a look at the Civil Rights movement, which is  pretty good timing considering this week’s 50th anniversary of the signing of the 1964 Civil Rights Act. Both of our textbooks agree that ending segregation was a very good thing, although they are a little unclear on exactly how segregation came into being in the first place — apart from mentioning that it began as a backlash to Reconstruction, and the obligatory mention of Plessy v Ferguson, neither text goes into it too much. Jim Crow was just something that was kind of there, somehow. But it sure is nice that segregation ended. As our laff riot of an 8th-grade textbook America: Land I Love (A Beka, 2006) puts it in its chapter on postwar prosperity, “Many Americans saw that the time had come to end racial prejudice.” And so many Americans decided to just knock it off already. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: U.S. History Textbooks That Know What’s Watts…
  the kids are allwhite

10 Guys In Kentucky Turn Out For Worldwide ‘White Man March,’ Narrowly Avert White Genocide

Saturday’s “worldwide” march to preserve white people from getting genocided by diversity had a slightly disappointing turnout, though we hear that a bunch of people were talking about it on Twitter. RawStory was able to find all of two manifestations of the march’s huge success: 10 guys parading in Florence, Ohio, Kentucky, and several anonymous banners reading “diversity = white genocide” hung from overpasses in Birmingham, Alabama. We bet the organizers are pretty excited about the event’s success, because maybe they’ve sparked something that’s just going to get bigger and bigger, and for all we know, the liberal media is just refusing to report on the much larger demonstrations elsewhere. Did you hear about the tens of thousands of marchers in Washington DC, for instance? Neither did we, which just proves the cover-up. Read more on 10 Guys In Kentucky Turn Out For Worldwide ‘White Man March,’ Narrowly Avert White Genocide…
  is our children praying?

In Procedural Miracle, Alabama House Committee Passes School Prayer Bill Without Majority

Forget loaves and fishes — the House Education Committee in Alabama’s state legislature pushed through a school prayer bill last week on a voice vote, even though more committee members voted against it than for it. The bill would require teachers to spend up to 15 minutes during the first class of each school day reading prayers said before the U.S. Senate or House of Representatives — so you see, it wouldn’t actually be an unconstitutional government-sponsored prayer, it’s civics. We totally believe that! Where is your ACLU now, atheists? Read more on In Procedural Miracle, Alabama House Committee Passes School Prayer Bill Without Majority…
  slippery slope

Gay Marriage Murdering Straight Marriage After All. Whoops.

Hey, when we’re wrong, we’re wrong. And so it is that for the past 20 years (we were a VERY early adopter), when we asserted that gay marriage was awesome and anybody who had a problem with it was an unreconstructed bigot, and when we laughed — LAUGHED — at those who claimed gay marriage would murder straight marriages, well, mistakes were made, those statements are no longer operative, and other vague ways of saying “someone fucked up probably not us but maybe us who can ever know let’s stop with the fingerpointingblamegaming.” Specifically: this pastor dude just got arrested for ALLEGEDLY murdering his wife so he could gay marry his boyfriend. Next, he will murder the boyfriend so his couch can marry some beans. Read more on Gay Marriage Murdering Straight Marriage After All. Whoops….
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Compost Heap Of Cretins And Creeps

Would you believe it’s the final Derp Roundup of 2013? This is where we bring you the virtual melon rinds and coffee grounds of stories that didn’t quite earn a full post of their own, but were too stoopid to ignore altogether. We find they go down a lot easier if you’re heavily anaesthetized — if you can’t find alcohol, a couple whacks with a large cartoon mallet may do the job. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Compost Heap Of Cretins And Creeps…
  duck bill

Today In Dumbduckery: Alabama Legislator Introduces ‘We Heart Phil Robertson’ Resolution; Camo-Wearing Fans To Eat Chicken Sammiches

The Duck Dynasty Crisis continues apace, and so we bring you a couple of updates (we could go to an all-Duck Dynasty format if we wanted to, but we respect you too much for that). First off, in the great state of Alabama, state Sen. Jerry Fielding announced Monday that he’ll introduce a resolution calling on A&E network to end its oppression of Phil Robertson, who was simply stating what all good Christians believe: “Phil Robertson’s family values are shared by the vast majority of Alabamians, who are rightfully concerned by the vitriol aimed at his Christian stance,” Fielding said in a statement. “There’s a clear double standard in the media favoring a liberal worldview. When it’s used to silence and punish Christians for stating their beliefs, that’s when we must defend the rights of individuals to exercise their free speech without fear of politically-motivated repercussion. I join thousands across Alabama and our country by standing with Phil Robertson, and urge A&E to reverse their action against him.” It sure is nice to see a state senator who so clearly understands how the Constitution works. The resolution also calls Robertson and his stage-managed family “ambassadors of the love and grace of the Heavenly Father through their exemplary lives on and off the camera.” The heavenly Father is, as we all know, a big fan of the days when happy blacks sang as they worked in the fields and never minded Jim Crow, because they were godly and hadn’t been corrupted by food stamps. Read more on Today In Dumbduckery: Alabama Legislator Introduces ‘We Heart Phil Robertson’ Resolution; Camo-Wearing Fans To Eat Chicken Sammiches…
  Our Cold Dead Hands

Gun Fun Roundup, American Exceptionalism Edition

Greetings from Wonkette’s brand new Bunker O’ Love, the underground safe room on our Idaho compound where we go to write about guns, gun accessories, and how they have made America great. Today, we have several tales of Great Americans using their guns for personal protection while keeping them in reserve to rise up against the oppressive Federal Government Tyranny that is right around the corner. Let’s see what America’s responsible gun owners are up to this week! Read more on Gun Fun Roundup, American Exceptionalism Edition…
  don't help because he's not acually being oppressed

Secession Is The New Orange, Which Is The New Black: Maryland Edition

Man, what is it with Republicans whining about not getting everything they want, up to and including a pony for their birthday and a tiara? It’s like the party has been taken over by a bunch of 4-year-olds who insist their tantrums be taken as serious arguments. Who are the latest group of pouty monkey-howlers? Take it away, Washington Post: [A] 49-year-old information technology consultant wants to apply the knife to Maryland’s five western counties. “The people are the sovereign,” says Scott Strzelczyk, leader of the fledgling Western Maryland Initiative, and the western sovereigns are fed up with Annapolis’s liberal majority, elected by the state’s other sovereigns. First off, props to the Post for the nice “state’s other sovereigns.” That was a nice bit of snark. Anyway, yet another group of rural Republicans are sick and tired of their liberty being infringed upon by… well, fellow citizens who vote in democratic elections for folks who then pass laws through an open and transparent process. Clearly, this is the height of TYRANNY!  Read more on Secession Is The New Orange, Which Is The New Black: Maryland Edition…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

A Children’s Treasury Of Derp: So Much Crazy, So Little Time

Somehow, the end of the week brought us a flurry of stories that are all special wonderful snowflakes of stoopid, and while they’re all worthy of pointing and laughing at, we just can’t devote an entire post to each of them. After all, we have a full day of coddling radical Islam to get to! And so, here’s a collection of shorts. If this format proves popular, we may make it a semi-regular thing, giving everyone a chance to get into Wonkette’s shorts. Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Derp: So Much Crazy, So Little Time…
  freeboobs

Formerly Working Reporter Has No Earthly Idea What ‘First Amendment’ Means

Y’all hear of this cute li’l muffin who got shitcanned just for writing a blerg about how she is a terrible reporter (hates Oldz, steals mail, won’t wear a bra)? It was adorable! Well Shea Allen is not taking this unlawful (?) termination from some TV station somewhere lying down! She is all over the place, with her high dudgeon and righteousness! (We are big fans of high dudgeon, and righteousness, also. Too.) But maybe it was not just because of her Freeboobs? Read more on Formerly Working Reporter Has No Earthly Idea What ‘First Amendment’ Means…
  go figures

Alabama State Senator Worst Racist Ever For Noticing GOP Racism (Also Because She Is Black)

A round of applause, please, for your newest nominee for Wonkette’s coveted Legislative Badass of the Year Award, Alabama state Sen. Vivian Davis Figures, who is refusing to apologize to the state GOP or anyone for saying last week that the Alabama Republican Party’s rise to dominance since 2008 is partly the result of racism. Needless to say, this is outrageous and not at all possibly true, because there are no racists in Alabama anymore, the Supreme Court said so. Read more on Alabama State Senator Worst Racist Ever For Noticing GOP Racism (Also Because She Is Black)…
  Spam By Your Man

Wife of Alabama State Senator Goes On The Face Books To Stop These Lonely Russian Women Emailing Her Husband (Updated)

(See update at end of post) You will be delighted to know that, today at least, the title “Alabama State Senator” is not going to be associated with yet another nomination for Wonkette’s coveted Legislative Shitmuffin of the Year Award. Rather, it is going to be followed by a name, which is “Shadrack McGill,” and then the story of how Shadrack McGill’s wife Heather had a Facebook freakout over all the women she thinks are emailing her husband and trying to destroy her family with their offers of sex and/or surreptitious installation of computer malware. Coming soon from Sony Pictures Classics: The Paranoid Wife of Shadrack McGill. Read more on Wife of Alabama State Senator Goes On The Face Books To Stop These Lonely Russian Women Emailing Her Husband (Updated)…
  get yer war of northern aggression on

Boss Hogg Takes Over As NRA President

Alabama, you have given this nation so much: George Wallace, Bull Connor, Roy Moore, insanely restrictive abortion laws, Richard Shelby AND Jeff Sessions in the same Congress, crappy Neil Young songs, and even crappier Lynrd Skynrd responses. Your generosity in contributing to this nation’s civic and cultural life is so vast, we can never repay you. So we’re begging you to stop. No seriously, please stop. What’s that? You have one more gift to bestow upon America? Is it a pony? We love ponies! No? It’s this guy? Oh. Thanks. We love it. Do you by chance have the receipt? Why? Oh no reason, it’s just that we have so many stereotypical Southern fat-ass good ol’ boys working on marching us back to the nineteenth century (the first half anyway, because that was the better half) we couldn’t possibly find a use for another one. Everyone meet Jim Porter, the incoming president of the NRA. No, he is not replacing vile bleeding anus Wayne LaPierre, who is the august organization’s vice-president and still its most prominent mouthpiece. But based on this video and the stories we dug up about him, we’re betting Jim Porter will not be a moderating influence: Read more on Boss Hogg Takes Over As NRA President…