Tag Archives: alabama

 

Judge To Obama: Stop Letting In All Those Immigrants Who Are Already Here!

Screw you, huddled masses
Wednesday was supposed to be the day President Obama officially rolled out the Kenyan welcome mat for all them illegals who’ve already snuck across our border to infect us with diseases and their strange foreign languages. But oh no, you can un-unfurl that Hispanic flag over the White House, Mr. Thinks He’s So President, because United States District Judge Andrew S. Hanen has put a stop to that nonsense, at least for now. Read more on Judge To Obama: Stop Letting In All Those Immigrants Who Are Already Here!…
  And he'll lose there too

Alabama’s Roy Moore Will Appeal SCOTUS Marriage Ruling Directly To God

America’s most esteemed jurist, Alabama Supreme Court Justice Roy Moore, is not giving up his fight to save Alabama from the hordes of gays currently destroying the state by having equal marriage rights. Even though a terrible federal judge named Callie V.S. Granade (sounds like GRENADE because she GRENADED opposite marriage) not only ruled Alabama’s marriage amendment unconstitutional, but also had the audacity to order probate judges to actually DO WHAT SHE SAID, and even though the Supreme Court was okay with all of this, Roy Moore wants everybody to know that he will be forced to defy a Supreme Court ruling in favor of gayness, because “organic law” and Jesus: Read more on Alabama’s Roy Moore Will Appeal SCOTUS Marriage Ruling Directly To God…
  We've all heard this song already

Federal Judge To Alabama: Do What I F*cking Said Already!

This week some Alabamians have been absolutely thrilled that marriage equality has come to their state. Others have been just reeling, losing their very minds over the fact (FACT) that their God will now be raining hellfire and frogs down on their state for failing to preserve marriage as between one wingnut and one lady wingnut. Alabama Supreme Court Justice Roy Moore has been leading the way, telling probate judges that NO, you do NOT have to listen to a federal judge or the Supreme Court, Alabama is a sovereign nation run by God, and if God or Roy didn’t sign the order, it’s unenforceable. Read more on Federal Judge To Alabama: Do What I F*cking Said Already!…
  Sweet Homo Alabama

Alabama Republican Says Gay Marriage Is End Of The World. Redneck Proves He’s Wrong

Or maybe if Hillary becomes President. Or Warren.
Alabama state GOP Chairman Bill Armistead just wants y’all to know that with the Federal Government cramming gay marriage down Roy Moore’s throat and all, the End Times have officially arrived, and we can expect God to destroy the U.S. America and such as any minute now. In a longish message posted to the state party’s official website, Armistead advises that he’s been to the Land of Israel and seen where Armageddon’s gonna happen: Read more on Alabama Republican Says Gay Marriage Is End Of The World. Redneck Proves He’s Wrong…
  Mainline some top-grade Alabama dumbass this morning

Alabama Continues To Reel From Tyrannical Federal Gay Marriage Over-Reach-Around

So it is Wednesday, the third day since Alabama was victimized by a gratuitous federal over-reach-around that required the state to allow gay marriage, even in the really wingnut parts. Let’s look at the Alabammy gay sexy news that has happened since we last updated you on their tantrums, yesterday, when the great majority of probate judges were simply saying, “don’t care about the Constitution, sorry, have you met us?” Read more on Alabama Continues To Reel From Tyrannical Federal Gay Marriage Over-Reach-Around…
  The revolution will not be ... happening

Alabama Anti-Gay Today, Anti-Gay Tomorrow, Anti-Gay FOREVAH

Well, actually ...
Hooray, the revolution is finally here! After years of judicial activists cramming marriage equality down the unwilling throats of Americans who are mostly cool with it at this point, Alabama’s probate judges, who are not judicial activists because they just aren’t, have answered the call of literally tens of Americans and refused to recognize the authority of the Supreme Court of the United States of America-Except-For-Alabama, because who do those guys think they are anyway, Supreme Court justices or something? Read more on Alabama Anti-Gay Today, Anti-Gay Tomorrow, Anti-Gay FOREVAH…
  Making George Wallace Proud

Alabama Smashes Marriage So Nobody Gets to Play with It Now

Nailed it.
Gay marriage is oppressing the poor judges of the state of Alabama, and they’ve decided to fight back by wrecking ALL the marriages. Monday was the first day of gay marriages in the great state of Alabama. Yay! However, turns out the state’s conservative judges are pretty committed to stopping this onslaught of love and affection, destroying all happiness throughout the land, and completing their transformation into Care Bear villains. Read more on Alabama Smashes Marriage So Nobody Gets to Play with It Now…
  Stars fell on Alabama and made it gay

Supreme Court Forces Alabama’s Top Wingnut Judge To Swallow Gay Marriage

This is actually a thing that is happening right now, in Birmingham.
That friendly man pictured above is doing the hard work of exorcising the homosexual demons out of Alabama because YOU GUYS, the state officially has marriage equality! REPENT! Sunday night, Alabama Supreme Court Chief Justice Roy Moore — America’s greatest Ten Commandments-protecting jurist, with a special version of the First Amendment just for Christians — bravely followed through on his promise to block the gay courthouse door, in order that the fundamentalist Christians of Alabama might be saved from the devil’s wrath and raining hellfire and whatnot. You know, the typical stuff that happens when Brandon and Derek tie the knot. Read more on Supreme Court Forces Alabama’s Top Wingnut Judge To Swallow Gay Marriage…
  There's gotta be a santorum joke in here somewhere

Hero Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore Will Block Gay Courthouse Door, For Freedom

Adam y Esteban
Fellow Patriots®, are you tired of the gay agenda being rammed down your throat? Are you afraid that the repeated joyous celebrations of legalized gay marriage exploding all over your face will give you gay herpes of the eye? You are not alone, and we have a hero who has returned from the ashes, like a dung beetle we thought the universe had shat out of existence, only to return like a shit-stained phoenix rising from derp-filled ashes of bigotry: Read more on Hero Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore Will Block Gay Courthouse Door, For Freedom…
  Cool science fiction bros

North Dakota: You Don’t Even Need Ladies To Bake A Baby, So Time To Outlaw Abortion Again

Sure, it is legal to have abortions in these United States of Jesus, but that’s just, like, your opinion, man. (Also the law, but whatevs.) In the never-ending quest to un-legalize it, North Dakota “lawyers” have a swell new argument for freedom-forcing women to be incubators. And it’s a really good one: Read more on North Dakota: You Don’t Even Need Ladies To Bake A Baby, So Time To Outlaw Abortion Again…
  Give Peas A Chance

Alabama School Arms Children Against Bad Guys, With Cans Of Creamed Corn

And if the Reds push the button, it's survival for another week or so!
You pretty much can’t ignore a New York Times headline that says “Alabama: School May Arm Students With Canned Peas.” And it’s exactly what it sounds like: A middle school principal wants to stockpile cans of corn and peas in classrooms for students to hurl at possible intruders as a last defense. Thank Principal Priscella Holley of W. F. Burns Middle School in Chambers County, Alabama, for this brainstorm. She sent a letter home to parents asking them to have their kids bring eight-ounce canned items to school so they can fling ’em at the bad guys. How’s this for persuasive? Read more on Alabama School Arms Children Against Bad Guys, With Cans Of Creamed Corn…
  Read The Return Policy Very Carefully

Alabama Town Now Owned By God. God To Flip It To Ganesh, Make Bank.

These foreign pictures just don't appeal much to us. Too many subtitles.
In a real estate deal of questionable legality, the City Council of Winfield, Alabama, recently passed a resolution declaring that Winfield is a “City Under God,” a necessary step because, as Mayor Randy Price said, the state and country are in “an awful condition.” The Marion County Journal Record expressed its approval in an editorial — it’s behind a paywall, but Hemant Mehta helpfully provides a screenshot: Read more on Alabama Town Now Owned By God. God To Flip It To Ganesh, Make Bank….
  Here have some news n stuff

Who Wants Open Interwebs? Oh, Just Everyone

This joke never gets old
Via Blurrent You’d think, from the reaction of certain especially loud dudes on the right, that President Obama’s support of net neutrality was like proposing Obamacare for the internet. Or even the Holocaust. But despite what a few blowhards on the, AHEM, internet say, even conservatives think net neutrality is a great idea, actually: Read more on Who Wants Open Interwebs? Oh, Just Everyone…
  hey dad I'm in jail

Alabama House Speaker Goin’ To Pokey For Bein’ A Big Ol’ Thief-Man Allegedly

Hey, Alabama House Speaker Mike Hubbard! Whatcha doin’? Oh, getting arrested on 23 counts of felony corruption? Well, that sounds about right. What did you do, steer a whole bunch of fake contracts to yourself and third parties who were really just shell companies for you, while you were head of the Alabama GOP? That’s what it sounds like? Well, boys will be boys, ain’t that right, fella? Read more on Alabama House Speaker Goin’ To Pokey For Bein’ A Big Ol’ Thief-Man Allegedly…
  Here have some news n stuff

Ron Paul Tells Dumb Son To Shut His Big Stupid Yap

You can trust him, he's a doctor
Grab your popcorn, it’s time for another round of Republican Daddy Issues: Ron Paul, who is a medical doctor, pointed out that an estimated 3,000 to 49,000 people died every year from influenza, but no one was considering a travel ban to stop the flu from spreading. Read more on Ron Paul Tells Dumb Son To Shut His Big Stupid Yap…
  Your Morning Maddow

Morning Maddow: Rachel’s Pantheon Of Heroes (Video)

maybe we do need another hero now and then
Rachel Maddow noted Thursday night, “Sometimes the news gods decide that today’s news will have a theme. And the news gods decided that for today, the theme is personal bravery.” So in two segments, she brings us stories of people who stick their necks out for the sake of doing the right thing. Read more on Morning Maddow: Rachel’s Pantheon Of Heroes (Video)…
  Fetal Attraction

Alabama Wingnut Judge Will Save All The Fetuses With Legal Magic

Ia! Ia! Cthulhi Ftetus!
Alabama Supreme Court Justice Tom Parker is one of the great legal minds of the “pro-life” movement, whose mission in life is to legally transmute all fertilized eggs into human beings so that abortion will go away forever, and sluts will just have to deal with the consequences of their sluttery like God wants them to. Read more on Alabama Wingnut Judge Will Save All The Fetuses With Legal Magic…
  puppetry of the fetus

What Do You Get The Fetus Who Has Everything? A Lawyer

Harvey Birdman, Fetal Attorney-at-Law
The great progressive state of Alabama has a new law requiring minors who want an abortion to undergo a trial where they can be questioned about their decision by a lawyer appointed by the court to represent their fetus. Which is the sort of law you pass when your legislature is run by either insane people or conservatives. But we repeat ourselves. Read more on What Do You Get The Fetus Who Has Everything? A Lawyer…
  Deepest Sympathies For Your Being Black

Alabama Governor Consoles Family Of Murdered 8-Year-Old Black Girl By Suggesting Their Dysfunction Killed Her (Updated)

May this face haunt Robert Benchley's dreams forever
UPDATE: A spokeswoman for Gov. Bentley has offered an explanation; see end of post. Hiawayi Robinson, of Pritchard, Alabama, a small city on the north side of Mobile, was looking forward to turning nine years old next week. On Tuesday, Hiawayi had talked to her father on the phone about what she wanted for her birthday (a laptop computer) and told him that she was going downstairs to see if her cousin was home. She never came back. Read more on Alabama Governor Consoles Family Of Murdered 8-Year-Old Black Girl By Suggesting Their Dysfunction Killed Her (Updated)…
  And No Religion Too

Alabama Idiot Thinks Constitution Based On Ten Commandments, Is Incorrect

It still includes the plagues
Hey, there’s also some Non-Ferguson news today! For instance, in Scottsboro, Alabama, Jackson County Commissioner Tim Guffey (R-like you need to ask), wants to include the Ten Commandments in a monument that already features the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, because, he says, the Ten Commandments are a historical document that, like the other two, are among our nation’s founding documents and also too are not the least bit religious, no siree. Read more on Alabama Idiot Thinks Constitution Based On Ten Commandments, Is Incorrect…