Tag Archives: alabama

  Cool science fiction bros

North Dakota: You Don’t Even Need Ladies To Bake A Baby, So Time To Outlaw Abortion Again

Sure, it is legal to have abortions in these United States of Jesus, but that’s just, like, your opinion, man. (Also the law, but whatevs.) In the never-ending quest to un-legalize it, North Dakota “lawyers” have a swell new argument for freedom-forcing women to be incubators. And it’s a really good one: Read more on North Dakota: You Don’t Even Need Ladies To Bake A Baby, So Time To Outlaw Abortion Again…
  Give Peas A Chance

Alabama School Arms Children Against Bad Guys, With Cans Of Creamed Corn

And if the Reds push the button, it's survival for another week or so!
You pretty much can’t ignore a New York Times headline that says “Alabama: School May Arm Students With Canned Peas.” And it’s exactly what it sounds like: A middle school principal wants to stockpile cans of corn and peas in classrooms for students to hurl at possible intruders as a last defense. Thank Principal Priscella Holley of W. F. Burns Middle School in Chambers County, Alabama, for this brainstorm. She sent a letter home to parents asking them to have their kids bring eight-ounce canned items to school so they can fling ‘em at the bad guys. How’s this for persuasive? Read more on Alabama School Arms Children Against Bad Guys, With Cans Of Creamed Corn…
  Read The Return Policy Very Carefully

Alabama Town Now Owned By God. God To Flip It To Ganesh, Make Bank.

These foreign pictures just don't appeal much to us. Too many subtitles.
In a real estate deal of questionable legality, the City Council of Winfield, Alabama, recently passed a resolution declaring that Winfield is a “City Under God,” a necessary step because, as Mayor Randy Price said, the state and country are in “an awful condition.” The Marion County Journal Record expressed its approval in an editorial — it’s behind a paywall, but Hemant Mehta helpfully provides a screenshot: Read more on Alabama Town Now Owned By God. God To Flip It To Ganesh, Make Bank….
  Here have some news n stuff

Who Wants Open Interwebs? Oh, Just Everyone

This joke never gets old
Via Blurrent You’d think, from the reaction of certain especially loud dudes on the right, that President Obama’s support of net neutrality was like proposing Obamacare for the internet. Or even the Holocaust. But despite what a few blowhards on the, AHEM, internet say, even conservatives think net neutrality is a great idea, actually: Read more on Who Wants Open Interwebs? Oh, Just Everyone…
  hey dad I'm in jail

Alabama House Speaker Goin’ To Pokey For Bein’ A Big Ol’ Thief-Man Allegedly

Hey, Alabama House Speaker Mike Hubbard! Whatcha doin’? Oh, getting arrested on 23 counts of felony corruption? Well, that sounds about right. What did you do, steer a whole bunch of fake contracts to yourself and third parties who were really just shell companies for you, while you were head of the Alabama GOP? That’s what it sounds like? Well, boys will be boys, ain’t that right, fella? Read more on Alabama House Speaker Goin’ To Pokey For Bein’ A Big Ol’ Thief-Man Allegedly…
  Here have some news n stuff

Ron Paul Tells Dumb Son To Shut His Big Stupid Yap

You can trust him, he's a doctor
Grab your popcorn, it’s time for another round of Republican Daddy Issues: Ron Paul, who is a medical doctor, pointed out that an estimated 3,000 to 49,000 people died every year from influenza, but no one was considering a travel ban to stop the flu from spreading. Read more on Ron Paul Tells Dumb Son To Shut His Big Stupid Yap…
  Your Morning Maddow

Morning Maddow: Rachel’s Pantheon Of Heroes (Video)

maybe we do need another hero now and then
Rachel Maddow noted Thursday night, “Sometimes the news gods decide that today’s news will have a theme. And the news gods decided that for today, the theme is personal bravery.” So in two segments, she brings us stories of people who stick their necks out for the sake of doing the right thing. Read more on Morning Maddow: Rachel’s Pantheon Of Heroes (Video)…
  Fetal Attraction

Alabama Wingnut Judge Will Save All The Fetuses With Legal Magic

Ia! Ia! Cthulhi Ftetus!
Alabama Supreme Court Justice Tom Parker is one of the great legal minds of the “pro-life” movement, whose mission in life is to legally transmute all fertilized eggs into human beings so that abortion will go away forever, and sluts will just have to deal with the consequences of their sluttery like God wants them to. Read more on Alabama Wingnut Judge Will Save All The Fetuses With Legal Magic…
  puppetry of the fetus

What Do You Get The Fetus Who Has Everything? A Lawyer

Harvey Birdman, Fetal Attorney-at-Law
The great progressive state of Alabama has a new law requiring minors who want an abortion to undergo a trial where they can be questioned about their decision by a lawyer appointed by the court to represent their fetus. Which is the sort of law you pass when your legislature is run by either insane people or conservatives. But we repeat ourselves. Read more on What Do You Get The Fetus Who Has Everything? A Lawyer…
  Deepest Sympathies For Your Being Black

Alabama Governor Consoles Family Of Murdered 8-Year-Old Black Girl By Suggesting Their Dysfunction Killed Her (Updated)

May this face haunt Robert Benchley's dreams forever
UPDATE: A spokeswoman for Gov. Bentley has offered an explanation; see end of post. Hiawayi Robinson, of Pritchard, Alabama, a small city on the north side of Mobile, was looking forward to turning nine years old next week. On Tuesday, Hiawayi had talked to her father on the phone about what she wanted for her birthday (a laptop computer) and told him that she was going downstairs to see if her cousin was home. She never came back. Read more on Alabama Governor Consoles Family Of Murdered 8-Year-Old Black Girl By Suggesting Their Dysfunction Killed Her (Updated)…
  And No Religion Too

Alabama Idiot Thinks Constitution Based On Ten Commandments, Is Incorrect

It still includes the plagues
Hey, there’s also some Non-Ferguson news today! For instance, in Scottsboro, Alabama, Jackson County Commissioner Tim Guffey (R-like you need to ask), wants to include the Ten Commandments in a monument that already features the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, because, he says, the Ten Commandments are a historical document that, like the other two, are among our nation’s founding documents and also too are not the least bit religious, no siree. Read more on Alabama Idiot Thinks Constitution Based On Ten Commandments, Is Incorrect…
  this is excellent news for john mccain

WND: Barack Obama Was Not Born In America Or Even At All Maybe

That's just what he wants you to think
In the years since President Obama first usurped the White House, we have come to expect a certain level of sophistication to the reasons why he should be impeached, or sued but really impeached. For invading countries too much and not enough. For being the weakest mom jeans-wearing tyrant ever. For spending 27 hours a day covering up Benghazi while playing too much golf. Et cetera ad infinitum ad nauseam oy vey. Read more on WND: Barack Obama Was Not Born In America Or Even At All Maybe…
  I know you are but what am I?

Why Is Obama Race-Warring These White People By Making Them Scream At The Border Children?

Sarah IS the Murrieta Protester
You know how the Republican Party holds a weekly lottery, and the lucky winner gets to be the spokesderp who explains why Democrats are the REAL something-or-others? The real racists, the real sexists, the real bigots, the real warring on Freedom & Liberty-ists — whatever kind of hate the GOP is vomiting all over America, there’s always some Republican out there saying “nuh uh, YOU ARE” or, as those of us who passed Psych 101 in college remember, “projecting.” Read more on Why Is Obama Race-Warring These White People By Making Them Scream At The Border Children?…
  how long can this go on?

Alabama Republican: When God Gives You Coal, You Have To Light It On Fire

You won’t be surprised to learn that here at Wonkette, we generally do not believe in signs and portents from God. God doesn’t arrange things so that our favorite team could win the Super Bowl. God for sure isn’t making us rich, because fuck we are not rich. This belief system, or lack thereof, brings us into direct conflict with the commissioner-elect of Alabama’s Public Service Commission, who is pretty sure that God gave ‘Bama coal, and that’s why ‘Bama has to use it. Birds gotta fly, fish gotta swim, coal’s gotta burn. Read more on Alabama Republican: When God Gives You Coal, You Have To Light It On Fire…
  not just whistling

Secessionist Maryland GOP Candidate Remembers The Good Old ‘Dixie’ Days

The secret of his secession
Here’s Mike Peroutka, a great Constitutional Scholar who knows that the key to understanding our founding document is to read the Bible. He’s also a member of the neo-Confederate League of the South, an advocate of secession, and the Republican nominee for Anne Arundel County Council in Maryland. And he loves his country, although we aren’t entirely sure what country that is. You see, following a speech he gave at the 2012 League of the South national conference in Alabama, he was recorded asking the audience to stand up and sing the “National Anthem” — and then he launched into a round of “Dixie,” with the audience enthusiastically singing along: Read more on Secessionist Maryland GOP Candidate Remembers The Good Old ‘Dixie’ Days…
  buttsechs

Alabama A.G. Wants To Outlaw Consensual Butt-Sechs, Because Rape Or Something

Eleven years ago, the Supreme Court decided Lawrence v. Texas, which struck down laws saying you couldn’t put your peener in another adult man’s butthole. (At least, that was how Antonin Scalia characterized it in his “colorful” dissent!) Well time moves slowly in ol’ Alabammy, as it was just three days ago that an appeals court there did the same! And yet Luther Strange — LUTHER STRANGE — the state’s Attorney General, isn’t sure that’s the wisest course of action, activist judge dudes, because if there aren’t laws against sodomy, how will he be able to prosecute gay rapes of passed-out schoolchildren? Maybe you should have thought of THAT, state appeals court, before you struck down laws about consensual buttsechs! Read more on Alabama A.G. Wants To Outlaw Consensual Butt-Sechs, Because Rape Or Something…
  sweet home

Gun Humpers Fight For Their Right To Shoot Up All The Polling Places, For Freedom

Remember when history’s greatest and most pervasive monsters, the New Black Panther Party, showed up with a whopping two dudes or so in Philly in 2008 and stood around intimidating little old white ladies by holding doors open for them and everyone over at The Daily Blaze Glenn Caller Beck Show whined all the whines in the world? We’d so like to line up those crybabies to chat a wee bit about yesterday’s voting in Alabama, which was basically nothing but GunNutPalooza, with living stereotypes demanding to tote their guns from the pickup truck to the voting booth like Jesus and America said they could, and then wailing SO HARD if they couldn’t. Read more on Gun Humpers Fight For Their Right To Shoot Up All The Polling Places, For Freedom…
  separation of derp and state

Alabama Chief Justice Has Special Constitution Where First Amendment Is Only For Christians

You guys all remember Judge Roy Moore, the Alabama Hero who was removed from the Alabama Supreme Court after refusing to comply with a U.S. Supreme Court order to remove a two-ton Ten Commandments monument that he’d installed at the court. That was back in 2003, don’t you feel old? And then he got reelected to the Alabama Supremes in 2012 — as Chief Justice, no less, because Roy Moore is the freakin’ Joe Arpaio of Alabama jurisprudence: the bigger an asshole he is, the more they love him, because he hates all the right people. (Last year, there were high hopes he’d declare Barack Obama UnPresident, but that failed to happen somehow.) Well, Chief Justice Roy Moore has gotten himself a little more attention this week, after a recent* speech to a “Pastors For Life” luncheon sponsored by Pro-Life Mississippi, where the top jurist for an entire state told the assembled faithful that the First Amendment only applies to Christians, since, as any fool knows, “Buddha didn’t create us, Mohammed didn’t create us, it’s the God of the Holy Scriptures” who breathed life into Adam and Eve, about 6000 years ago at that. (And no, don’t you go saying that all the Abrahamic religions worship the same God, because what are you, a terrorist?) Read more on Alabama Chief Justice Has Special Constitution Where First Amendment Is Only For Christians…
  the civil whites movement

Sundays With The Christianists: U.S. History Textbooks That Know What’s Watts

This week, we’ll wrap up our rightwing Christian-school textbooks’ version of the 1960s as they actually happened — not the way the liberal media would have you believe — with a look at the Civil Rights movement, which is  pretty good timing considering this week’s 50th anniversary of the signing of the 1964 Civil Rights Act. Both of our textbooks agree that ending segregation was a very good thing, although they are a little unclear on exactly how segregation came into being in the first place — apart from mentioning that it began as a backlash to Reconstruction, and the obligatory mention of Plessy v Ferguson, neither text goes into it too much. Jim Crow was just something that was kind of there, somehow. But it sure is nice that segregation ended. As our laff riot of an 8th-grade textbook America: Land I Love (A Beka, 2006) puts it in its chapter on postwar prosperity, “Many Americans saw that the time had come to end racial prejudice.” And so many Americans decided to just knock it off already. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: U.S. History Textbooks That Know What’s Watts…
  the kids are allwhite

10 Guys In Kentucky Turn Out For Worldwide ‘White Man March,’ Narrowly Avert White Genocide

Saturday’s “worldwide” march to preserve white people from getting genocided by diversity had a slightly disappointing turnout, though we hear that a bunch of people were talking about it on Twitter. RawStory was able to find all of two manifestations of the march’s huge success: 10 guys parading in Florence, Ohio, Kentucky, and several anonymous banners reading “diversity = white genocide” hung from overpasses in Birmingham, Alabama. We bet the organizers are pretty excited about the event’s success, because maybe they’ve sparked something that’s just going to get bigger and bigger, and for all we know, the liberal media is just refusing to report on the much larger demonstrations elsewhere. Did you hear about the tens of thousands of marchers in Washington DC, for instance? Neither did we, which just proves the cover-up. Read more on 10 Guys In Kentucky Turn Out For Worldwide ‘White Man March,’ Narrowly Avert White Genocide…
  is our children praying?

In Procedural Miracle, Alabama House Committee Passes School Prayer Bill Without Majority

Forget loaves and fishes — the House Education Committee in Alabama’s state legislature pushed through a school prayer bill last week on a voice vote, even though more committee members voted against it than for it. The bill would require teachers to spend up to 15 minutes during the first class of each school day reading prayers said before the U.S. Senate or House of Representatives — so you see, it wouldn’t actually be an unconstitutional government-sponsored prayer, it’s civics. We totally believe that! Where is your ACLU now, atheists? Read more on In Procedural Miracle, Alabama House Committee Passes School Prayer Bill Without Majority…