Tag Archives: alabama

  Remember The Alahomo

Gay-Hatin’ Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore Ready To Be Martyred At The Straight-People Alamo

Yes, this really exists
Ten Commandments Hero Chief Justice Roy Moore came from Alabama with a Brawndo on his knee t’other day, visiting the Lone Star State Monday to address a very important “Defense of Texas Marriage Amendment Rally,” where he said that he is willing to lay down his very life to stop people with the wrong combinations of genitals from entering into marriage contracts. Also, he is worried about all the hyperbole and exaggeration in the world today. Read more on Gay-Hatin’ Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore Ready To Be Martyred At The Straight-People Alamo…
  How are the gays messing with Texas today?

Texas AG Will Protect State From Scourge Of Gay-Marrieds Caring For Sick Spouses

Every gay Texan has the right to care for a sick spouse of the opposite sex!
Texas is pulling out all the stops to make sure the gay-marrieds are completely unable to mess with Texas, right up until June, when the Supreme Court is probably going to mess with Texas in such a gay way that they’ll be walking funny for days. Today’s Texan hero is Attorney General Ken Paxton, who has filed a lawsuit against the overreaching federal government, because they don’t want to give family leave to gays who have sick, gay spouses: Read more on Texas AG Will Protect State From Scourge Of Gay-Marrieds Caring For Sick Spouses…
  Here's an ACTUAL candidate for rehoming

Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore’s Offspring Arrested For Being Good Christian, Also Drugs

Awwww, he's cute, doesn't look near as stupid as his Daddy.
It’s very difficult these days, managing a career devoted to mangling the lives of LGBT people you’ve never met, and also raising your own children. Alabama Supreme Court Chief Justice Roy Moore knows this struggle well, as he seems to have a rabid dick-child who probably needs to be rehomed with nature. The child’s name is Caleb, and he is probably wasted right now, as he was when he got arrested again for being a ne’er-do-well: Read more on Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore’s Offspring Arrested For Being Good Christian, Also Drugs…
 

Obama Mentions Voting Rights At Selma, Conservatives Outraged Of Course

it's not playing the
On Saturday, your blackest president ever, Barack Obama, traveled to Selma, Alabama, to speak at the 50th anniversary commemoration of “Bloody Sunday,” when civil rights protesters were beaten by police when they walked across the Edmund Pettus Bridge. The events of Bloody Sunday and other protest marches in Alabama led directly to the passage of the Voting Rights Act of 1965, so this is an excellent event to solemnly celebrate, and we are very happy that both Republicans and Democrats joined in attending the event, including former President George W. Bush and many congressional Republicans. Read more on Obama Mentions Voting Rights At Selma, Conservatives Outraged Of Course…
  Next they'll be giving their Lifetime Achievement Award to dead George Wallace

Completely Real Coalition Of African-American Pastors To Give ‘MLK Award’ To Alabama’s Roy Moore

A group that calls itself the Coalition of African-American Pastors has finally found a freedom fighter worthy of Martin Luther King, Jr.’s legacy, and it is the holistically bigoted Alabama Supreme Court Chief Justice Roy Moore, he who has been heroically standing in the gay courthouse door, for freedom, pretty much this entire year, and whose court buddies on Tuesday decided to set up camp in their own courthouse doors to protect Alabama from gay marriage, at least until SCOTUS crams it down all their throats for good in June. Read more on Completely Real Coalition Of African-American Pastors To Give ‘MLK Award’ To Alabama’s Roy Moore…
  writ of mandumbass

Alabama Supreme Court Gonna Halt All Them Homosexual ‘Marriages,’ By God

Apparently Chief Justice Roy Moore and his ‘Bama Supreme Court judge pals, all of whom are clear examples of why judges should not be elected, and all of whom should be fired, would prefer that the United States Supreme Court have to stick its foot ALL THE WAY up their asses on the marriage issue, none of this “just the tip” stuff anymore, that’s not at all what they like. Why? The Alabama Supremes decided Tuesday night to issue a writ of mandumbass mandamus, a complicated legal-like term, which ordered Alabama’s probate judges to stop issuing marriage licenses to gay couples entirely, at least for the time being. Why? Because they found a few little loopholes that will not at all be relevant when SCOTUS finishes them off in June: Read more on Alabama Supreme Court Gonna Halt All Them Homosexual ‘Marriages,’ By God…
  It's a travesty!

Ted Cruz So Sad AG Nominee Loretta Lynch Does Not Agree With Him On Legal Issues, Time To Burn Everything Down

Ted Cruz, constitutionally consistent
Here is whiny tantrum baby Ted Cruz (R-BrylCreem), being sad that his Imperial Majesty B. Hussein Obama is still presidenting around and trying to do things like Get His Attorney General Nominee Loretta Lynch Confirmed By The Senate. As if any Republican president ever tried a scam like that! Cruz said in an interview with Newsmax that it would be a “travesty” for the Senate to vote on Lynch. A travesty! Cruz believes that Lynch would be “materially worse” than current Attorney General Eric Holder, whom Cruz loathes with a fiery passion equaled only by his hatred of undocumented immigrants, The Gays, health insurance coverage, post-birth Poor babies, ladies with choices, and a natural, windswept hairdo. Read more on Ted Cruz So Sad AG Nominee Loretta Lynch Does Not Agree With Him On Legal Issues, Time To Burn Everything Down…
 

Judge To Obama: Stop Letting In All Those Immigrants Who Are Already Here!

Screw you, huddled masses
Wednesday was supposed to be the day President Obama officially rolled out the Kenyan welcome mat for all them illegals who’ve already snuck across our border to infect us with diseases and their strange foreign languages. But oh no, you can un-unfurl that Hispanic flag over the White House, Mr. Thinks He’s So President, because United States District Judge Andrew S. Hanen has put a stop to that nonsense, at least for now. Read more on Judge To Obama: Stop Letting In All Those Immigrants Who Are Already Here!…
  And he'll lose there too

Alabama’s Roy Moore Will Appeal SCOTUS Marriage Ruling Directly To God

America’s most esteemed jurist, Alabama Supreme Court Justice Roy Moore, is not giving up his fight to save Alabama from the hordes of gays currently destroying the state by having equal marriage rights. Even though a terrible federal judge named Callie V.S. Granade (sounds like GRENADE because she GRENADED opposite marriage) not only ruled Alabama’s marriage amendment unconstitutional, but also had the audacity to order probate judges to actually DO WHAT SHE SAID, and even though the Supreme Court was okay with all of this, Roy Moore wants everybody to know that he will be forced to defy a Supreme Court ruling in favor of gayness, because “organic law” and Jesus: Read more on Alabama’s Roy Moore Will Appeal SCOTUS Marriage Ruling Directly To God…
  We've all heard this song already

Federal Judge To Alabama: Do What I F*cking Said Already!

This week some Alabamians have been absolutely thrilled that marriage equality has come to their state. Others have been just reeling, losing their very minds over the fact (FACT) that their God will now be raining hellfire and frogs down on their state for failing to preserve marriage as between one wingnut and one lady wingnut. Alabama Supreme Court Justice Roy Moore has been leading the way, telling probate judges that NO, you do NOT have to listen to a federal judge or the Supreme Court, Alabama is a sovereign nation run by God, and if God or Roy didn’t sign the order, it’s unenforceable. Read more on Federal Judge To Alabama: Do What I F*cking Said Already!…
  Sweet Homo Alabama

Alabama Republican Says Gay Marriage Is End Of The World. Redneck Proves He’s Wrong

Or maybe if Hillary becomes President. Or Warren.
Alabama state GOP Chairman Bill Armistead just wants y’all to know that with the Federal Government cramming gay marriage down Roy Moore’s throat and all, the End Times have officially arrived, and we can expect God to destroy the U.S. America and such as any minute now. In a longish message posted to the state party’s official website, Armistead advises that he’s been to the Land of Israel and seen where Armageddon’s gonna happen: Read more on Alabama Republican Says Gay Marriage Is End Of The World. Redneck Proves He’s Wrong…
  Mainline some top-grade Alabama dumbass this morning

Alabama Continues To Reel From Tyrannical Federal Gay Marriage Over-Reach-Around

So it is Wednesday, the third day since Alabama was victimized by a gratuitous federal over-reach-around that required the state to allow gay marriage, even in the really wingnut parts. Let’s look at the Alabammy gay sexy news that has happened since we last updated you on their tantrums, yesterday, when the great majority of probate judges were simply saying, “don’t care about the Constitution, sorry, have you met us?” Read more on Alabama Continues To Reel From Tyrannical Federal Gay Marriage Over-Reach-Around…
  The revolution will not be ... happening

Alabama Anti-Gay Today, Anti-Gay Tomorrow, Anti-Gay FOREVAH

Well, actually ...
Hooray, the revolution is finally here! After years of judicial activists cramming marriage equality down the unwilling throats of Americans who are mostly cool with it at this point, Alabama’s probate judges, who are not judicial activists because they just aren’t, have answered the call of literally tens of Americans and refused to recognize the authority of the Supreme Court of the United States of America-Except-For-Alabama, because who do those guys think they are anyway, Supreme Court justices or something? Read more on Alabama Anti-Gay Today, Anti-Gay Tomorrow, Anti-Gay FOREVAH…
  Making George Wallace Proud

Alabama Smashes Marriage So Nobody Gets to Play with It Now

Nailed it.
Gay marriage is oppressing the poor judges of the state of Alabama, and they’ve decided to fight back by wrecking ALL the marriages. Monday was the first day of gay marriages in the great state of Alabama. Yay! However, turns out the state’s conservative judges are pretty committed to stopping this onslaught of love and affection, destroying all happiness throughout the land, and completing their transformation into Care Bear villains. Read more on Alabama Smashes Marriage So Nobody Gets to Play with It Now…
  Stars fell on Alabama and made it gay

Supreme Court Forces Alabama’s Top Wingnut Judge To Swallow Gay Marriage

This is actually a thing that is happening right now, in Birmingham.
That friendly man pictured above is doing the hard work of exorcising the homosexual demons out of Alabama because YOU GUYS, the state officially has marriage equality! REPENT! Sunday night, Alabama Supreme Court Chief Justice Roy Moore — America’s greatest Ten Commandments-protecting jurist, with a special version of the First Amendment just for Christians — bravely followed through on his promise to block the gay courthouse door, in order that the fundamentalist Christians of Alabama might be saved from the devil’s wrath and raining hellfire and whatnot. You know, the typical stuff that happens when Brandon and Derek tie the knot. Read more on Supreme Court Forces Alabama’s Top Wingnut Judge To Swallow Gay Marriage…
  There's gotta be a santorum joke in here somewhere

Hero Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore Will Block Gay Courthouse Door, For Freedom

Adam y Esteban
Fellow Patriots®, are you tired of the gay agenda being rammed down your throat? Are you afraid that the repeated joyous celebrations of legalized gay marriage exploding all over your face will give you gay herpes of the eye? You are not alone, and we have a hero who has returned from the ashes, like a dung beetle we thought the universe had shat out of existence, only to return like a shit-stained phoenix rising from derp-filled ashes of bigotry: Read more on Hero Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore Will Block Gay Courthouse Door, For Freedom…
  Cool science fiction bros

North Dakota: You Don’t Even Need Ladies To Bake A Baby, So Time To Outlaw Abortion Again

Sure, it is legal to have abortions in these United States of Jesus, but that’s just, like, your opinion, man. (Also the law, but whatevs.) In the never-ending quest to un-legalize it, North Dakota “lawyers” have a swell new argument for freedom-forcing women to be incubators. And it’s a really good one: Read more on North Dakota: You Don’t Even Need Ladies To Bake A Baby, So Time To Outlaw Abortion Again…
  Give Peas A Chance

Alabama School Arms Children Against Bad Guys, With Cans Of Creamed Corn

And if the Reds push the button, it's survival for another week or so!
You pretty much can’t ignore a New York Times headline that says “Alabama: School May Arm Students With Canned Peas.” And it’s exactly what it sounds like: A middle school principal wants to stockpile cans of corn and peas in classrooms for students to hurl at possible intruders as a last defense. Thank Principal Priscella Holley of W. F. Burns Middle School in Chambers County, Alabama, for this brainstorm. She sent a letter home to parents asking them to have their kids bring eight-ounce canned items to school so they can fling ‘em at the bad guys. How’s this for persuasive? Read more on Alabama School Arms Children Against Bad Guys, With Cans Of Creamed Corn…
  Read The Return Policy Very Carefully

Alabama Town Now Owned By God. God To Flip It To Ganesh, Make Bank.

These foreign pictures just don't appeal much to us. Too many subtitles.
In a real estate deal of questionable legality, the City Council of Winfield, Alabama, recently passed a resolution declaring that Winfield is a “City Under God,” a necessary step because, as Mayor Randy Price said, the state and country are in “an awful condition.” The Marion County Journal Record expressed its approval in an editorial — it’s behind a paywall, but Hemant Mehta helpfully provides a screenshot: Read more on Alabama Town Now Owned By God. God To Flip It To Ganesh, Make Bank….