Tag Archives: alabama

  The roundup to end all roundups

Which Republican Candidate Can Lick That Kentucky Clerk Lady’s Knob Best?

LINE UP, BOYS!
LINE UP, BOYS! Kentucky county clerk Kim Davis, she is the “it” topic in our political conversation right now! Is she a dumb hick lady who thinks her loving God will roast her in hell for all eterntity, on a pyre made of her own jumpers, for signing a gay marriage license? Yes! Is the Liberty Counsel using her as its pawn in a culture war it’s already lost? Ayup! Did she do so much adultery before she gave her heart to Jesus, it’ll make your head spin trying to figure out which husbands she was fuckin’ at any given time in her life or who her baby daddy is? Bingo! Despite all this, is she a great American religious freedom fighter hero? Some Republican presidential candidates sure think so! Read more on Which Republican Candidate Can Lick That Kentucky Clerk Lady’s Knob Best?…
  Criming While White

Rand Paul: It’s ‘American’ To Be Rude Law-Breaker, As Long As You’re White

Funny strange, not funny ha ha
Were we not, just the other day, rolling our eyes at Sen. Rand Paul for explaining that Black Lives Matters is Taking A Stand all wrong, because those people are NOT fighting the system according to society’s rules of polite behavior, and also, wouldn’t it be so much better if they talked about other lives mattering, actually? Yes, we were! And we hear Black Lives Matters is so ON IT, and changing its name right now and promising to be real nice and only protest the system using tactics pre-approved by the senator. Read more on Rand Paul: It’s ‘American’ To Be Rude Law-Breaker, As Long As You’re White…
  These folks look different without their white hoods

Alabama Secessionist Rally Was Hilarious Failure. Please Point And Laugh

Seems appropriate for this post.
If you woke up this morning thinking, “Golly gee, I sure do hope Alabama’s secessionist movement is going well, because fuck them is why,” BAD NEWS. There was a rally in the state capital of Montgomery, and NOBODY SHOWED UP. Okay fine, a FEW people showed up, but it was like the organizers and their moms: Read more on Alabama Secessionist Rally Was Hilarious Failure. Please Point And Laugh…
  tortured logic

Texas Republican Wishes Americans All Looked The Same, Like The Orientals

Yes, yes it is.
Yes, yes it is. Here’s a new twist, a fun and exciting way for a Republican to lay blame for gun violence on something, ANYTHING, that isn’t spelled G-U-N-S. This time it’s Texas Rep. Pete Sessions, who is NOT, science fact, the same person as Alabama Sen. Jeff Sessions. Maybe they’re sisters! Anyway, why do we have so much gun violence, Rep. Sessions? Oh, it’s diversity, you say? Huh, WTF? Sessions attempted to explain it to radio host Chris Salcedo: Read more on Texas Republican Wishes Americans All Looked The Same, Like The Orientals…
  Biggest Christian Ever. Just The Best

Donald Trump Bravely Says ‘Christmas,’ Even In Alabama

Donald Trump meets an anchor baby
Donald Trump meets an anchor baby While he was in Alabama getting white people excited this weekend, Donald Trump took a few minutes to assure an Alabama radio show host that nobody — NOBODY — will be a greater President of Christmas than Donald J. Trump. Trump told host Cliff Sims Friday that he actually goes out of his way to say “Christmas,” despite the many dangers of doing so, because, as he explained, “I’m a big believer in the Bible,” a book Trump has recently made a point of saying is even better than Trump’s The Art of the Deal, by Donald Trump, which must make it a pretty terrific book, although he has yet to refer to any of its contents. Read more on Donald Trump Bravely Says ‘Christmas,’ Even In Alabama…
  Make America Great Again Before It's Too Late

Donald Trump Gives YOOOGE Boner To Stupid Racist Americans

You know you want it Donald Trump held a rally in Alabama on Friday, a real classy event, the biggest one yet, with tens of thousands of people in attendance, all of them terrific — even the one dude at the rally who shouted “White power!” Because if there’s one place in U.S. America where you should be able to proudly express yourself, even if your self is a white supremacist dickbag in Mobile, Alabama, it’s definitely at a campaign event for the presidential candidate who claims in every speech, “It turned out I was right” to accuse Mexico of importing rapists and murderers to America, all the time, every day, because someone is doing the raping, and, Trump has insisted, it’s not him. Read more on Donald Trump Gives YOOOGE Boner To Stupid Racist Americans…
  Bring your bullets and your Bible

Alabama Church Will Give You Shootin’ Lessons If You Give Your Heart To Jesus

Pastor Triggerfinger
Are you a little old lady who lives round about Chilton County, Alabama, who got a gun for your 90th birthday, because your crazy grandkids never can figure out what to buy for Mee-Maw? Last Christmas it was one-a-them newfangly “mePhones” or whatever they’re called, and now a murder weapon for hunting squirrels? Oh well, better learn how to use it. And wouldn’t you know it, there’s a church for that! It’s called the Rocky Mount United Methodist Church in Jemison, Alabama, and it has a gun range “ministry” in a ditch behind the church, because the serenity of a gun range is a good place to get intimate with Our Lord: Read more on Alabama Church Will Give You Shootin’ Lessons If You Give Your Heart To Jesus…
  Breakin' the law breakin' the law

Oh Look Who Is Actually Breaking The Law (Hint: It’s Not Planned Parenthood)

Well, isn’t this ironic, don’t you think? The Obama administration has notified two states that took steps to halt Medicaid funds to Planned Parenthood Federation of America that they may be in conflict with federal law. […] Read more on Oh Look Who Is Actually Breaking The Law (Hint: It’s Not Planned Parenthood)…
  Public Service Announcement for gay-bashers

Dumb Gay-Basher Gets Dumb Ass Handed To Him By Gay-Married West Point Ninjas

Gay-married ninjas!
Would you look at that adorable couple? That is Daniel and Larry Lennox-Choate, and they are dudes who are so gay for each other that they decided to get married at their alma mater, which is, ahem, WEST POINT. They were the first gay couple to do that, in 2013! And well, we guess they’ve been living happily ever after since then, except for this one unfortunate incident this past Sunday, when, as they were shopping at the bodega in SoHo (probably assessing the quality of various fruits and vegetables, in order to prepare THE perfect Sunday dinner), some fuckin’ asshole decided to start hurling anti-gay obscenities at Daniel, pictured on the right. Then, according to the New York Daily News, he punched Daniel. Read more on Dumb Gay-Basher Gets Dumb Ass Handed To Him By Gay-Married West Point Ninjas…
  He seemed nice

Lafayette Shooter Was Teabaggin’, Gay-Hatin’, Hitler-Lovin’ Fool, THANKS OBAMA!

Just another member of the Lone Wolf Freedom Shooty Brigade Of Lone Wolves
If the online footprint of the Lafayette shooter identified by police as John Russell Houser, who killed two and injured nine others during a Thursday night showing of Amy Schumer’s Trainwreck before then killing himself, is any indication, Obama has really outdone himself in the false flag department this time. What did Houser hate? Pretty much everything that’s good and decent. What did he love? The Tea Party (at least enough to have an account, according to the Southern Poverty Law Center, on the Tea Party Nation website), white supremacy, and also, too, Hitler. Let’s have a look-see, starting with a Twitter account bearing Houser’s name, and with only two tweets: Read more on Lafayette Shooter Was Teabaggin’, Gay-Hatin’, Hitler-Lovin’ Fool, THANKS OBAMA!…
  Just close your eyes and think of Jesus

Alabama Needs Time To Relax Sphincter For First Gay Marriaging

The threat is real.
Alabama has officially joined the bandwagon of Sore Losers who refuse to believe the War on Marriage Equality is over, and the bigots did not win. The state’s Supreme Court issued an order Monday, declaring that even though the United States Supreme Court already ruled on Obergefell v. Hodges, Alabama has not decided yet whether that ruling applies (spoiler: it does), so the case is NOT closed: Read more on Alabama Needs Time To Relax Sphincter For First Gay Marriaging…
  Jebus Says You Don't Have To Do Your Job

Texas And Other States Fixin’ To Secede From Gay Union

Needs to be about 20% gayer
As you could have predicted, for all the celebrations of Friday’s Great Big Supreme Court decision, it’s now time for the foot-dragging by people who simply don’t wanna ride the Gay Marry-Go-Round. Chief among them is Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton, who issued an epic cri de butthurt Friday that explained how the First Amendment prohibits making Christian bigots feel bad. He followed that up with a letter Sunday offering Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick his carefully thought out legal advice, which is that while marriage equality is the law of the land, county clerks can feel free to refuse to issue licenses if their religious sensibilities might be bruised, and justices of the peace can similarly declare they ain’t gonna marry no gays, no sir. Oh Texas. You’re going to look so silly when your ass is getting sued. Read more on Texas And Other States Fixin’ To Secede From Gay Union…
  Last Night I saw Lester Maddox On The TV

Fired White Supremacist Cop Seeks Confederate Support (U.S. Currency Only)

May not be negotiable outside LOS meetings
Last week we brought you the story of two cops in Anniston, Alabama, who lost their jobs with the police force because of their involvement with the racist neo-Confederate group the League of the South. One, Lt. Wayne Brown, resigned, and the other, Lt. Josh Doggrell, was fired. Now poor Josh Dogrell, clearly the victim of Political Correctness and anti-white hatred, is begging fellow bigots to give him money so he can sue — or at least have some bigot money. Read more on Fired White Supremacist Cop Seeks Confederate Support (U.S. Currency Only)…
  Southern Man Better Keep Your Head

Alabama Cops Suspended Just For Being In Neo-Confederate Hate Group. How Is That Fair? (UPDATED)

Thank goodness racism is over
[Update: There have been new developments; please see end of post] Oh, look, it’s more Not Racial Transcendence, in a story that might have been huge if it hadn’t been overshadowed by Wednesday’s massacre in Charleston. Two cops in Anniston, Alabama, have been suspended after being outed as members of the neo-Confederate hate group the League of the South. The Southern Poverty Law Center’s Hatewatch blog identified Lt. Josh Doggrell and Lt. Wayne Brown as members of the white secessionist group Wednesday, and the city wasted little time in getting them off the street and putting them on administrative leave Wednesday afternoon. Not that there’s anything racist about the League of the South — they only want a white homeland, and while they don’t necessarily hate blacks, they don’t consider them actual Southerners. Read more on Alabama Cops Suspended Just For Being In Neo-Confederate Hate Group. How Is That Fair? (UPDATED)…
  Don't try this at home or anywhere ever

Man Bones Wife’s Dog. Down, Boy, Down!

No. Just ... no.
Um, fellas? We know it can be hard to be a man sometimes because … well, you say so. It can be especially hard if you are the jealous type, and your wife does not dote on you 27 hours a day, because she’d rather play with her shih tzu — awwwwww, so cute, they fit in your tote bag and everything! — or drink pink cocktails with her girlfriends or just not be around you because you are you, so can you blame her? You could try being better at husbanding. Or use your words, like a grown-up, to communicate your feelings. BUT. Please do take note: This is very important. Do NOT end up like Jonathan Edward Medley of Alabama, charged with a misdemeanor for, dear god, fucking his wife’s dog: Read more on Man Bones Wife’s Dog. Down, Boy, Down!…