John McCain Delivers Comical Foreign Policy Speech
Wednesday, March 26th, 2008
Our favorite dumb presidential candidate, John “WALNUTS!” McCain, delivered a “major foreign policy address” today, and it was about war and diplomacy, the latter of which he will never use. Since the media is distracted by Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton, McCain can say (and has said!) all sorts of raving dementia-babble and no one will care, because he is a Maverick. But just for kicks, what hilarious things did he say in his speech? MORE »
Our favorite dumb presidential candidate, John “WALNUTS!” McCain, delivered a “major foreign policy address” today, and it was about war and diplomacy, the latter of which he will never use. Since the media is distracted by Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton, McCain can say (and has said!) all sorts of raving dementia-babble and no one will care, because he is a Maverick. But just for kicks, what hilarious things did he say in his speech? MORE »
Nobody understands the military and the Middle East like John McCain does, because he invented them. He also invented calculus, and the Cleveland Steamer, and the French poetry form known as the villanelle. But today we will be talking about Sunnis and Shias, which John McCain also invented, back when he was a young pup hanging out with Mohammed. It’s been so long that McCain has forgotten which is which! 
How will the terrorists pull off their latest “coup” against American Happiness? By striking at its very symbol: John McCain, President of Bombs. 
Now another branch of our wonderful government has released a report that concludes, upon thorough review of over 600,000 documents, what many people have sort of figured out anyway: in the months before 9/11, Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein was not gently humping al Qaeda mastermind Abu Musab al-Zarqawi on the banks of the Tigris. In fact, there was no connection of any sort between Iraq and al Qaeda, even though the President and his ghoulish cadre of advisors insisted there was. In a clever attempt to keep this shocking information from the American people, the government decided not to write a press release about it. 
Are we sure that John McCain wants to win the election? Like, really, really sure? Because going on Meet the Press and trying to educate the public about Saddam’s evil ways to show why we probably should’ve still gotten into a war (that everyone but Bill Kristol hates) despite the lack of WMDs is probably not the way to get elected. Also, he wants us to know that he recently met with “a high-ranking former al Qaeda operative” in Iraq and, um, I thought we were torturing all those guys in Cuba these days? Or did he just run into him in the market? Whatever. Also, people, “if frogs had wings” then lots of cool stuff might happen, including them not bumping their asses when they hop and McCain getting the nomination.
Two big things are happening today: A shocking political assassination in a tense Middle Eastern (or is it in Asia?) country, and a bunch of old assholes running around in the corn fields of Iowa. Of course, the peoples on the Internets have been trying to jigsaw these two disparate strands for most of the afternoon, especially for the Republicans. Basically, it’s that the assassination of Bhutto and ensuing chaos is the best thing that EVER happened to McCain and Giuliani! 
Fox News is reporting on the teevee that Ayman al-Zawahiri, al-Qaeda’s, um, second in command, is taking questions from readers of a jihadist website somewhere out there on the internets. We’re on the mailing list, obviously, so we sent a few in. You can see them after the jump, and if you think of anything we should have asked, leave them in the comments.