• Al-Qaeda is celebrating the eight year anniversary of 9/11 by being impotent, broke, and mired in petty bureaucratic struggles. [The Guardian]
• Democrats don’t want to send more troops to Afghanistan, despite Obama wanting this more than anything else in the world, basically. [New York Times]
• Turns out that human beings can beat THE SWINE with one preventative shot, not two, which means twice as many pregnant gals, seniors, and babies (the “at risk groups”) will be able to avoid getting the flu. [New York Times]
• Here is your comprehensive Joe Wilson Exegesis, complete with South Carolina Civil War-to-Segregation Fun Facts. Joe Wilson actually comes from a storied political lineage of retards, is the point. [Washington Post]
• To little fanfare, Motorola has unveiled its new Google phone thing and literally no one cared enough to buy more Motorola stocks. Terrible, simply terrible. [Reuters]
• GM has everything to lose and nothing to gain from its new “May the Best Car Win”-themed PR strategy. [AP]

Hmm, here is a possible scoop from your Department of Rumor, Speculation, and Innuendo: a CIA supervisor just back from Baghdad was reportedly hanging out at a bar in Camp Peary, Virginia, where he got super loaded and started talking crazy talk about putting fire ants on some Al Qaeda guy’s head to “break him.” MORE »

Here is a clip of Dick Cheney discussing the secret-but-becoming-unsecret Other Plan To Kill Muslins (OPTKM) with CIA Field Ops head Eric “The Hulk” Bana, who simply must not tell Congressional leaders about these things. Now the Guardian has new information about OPTKM, and by golly something just seems to be missing. MORE »

Which island paradise will this “lucky ducky” get to retire to, now that a judge has issued a ruling — with exclamation points! (!!!) — demanding that he be released? Abd al Rahim Abdul Rassak was captured by US forces in 2002 and held at Guantanamo for years, even though before he went to Guanatanamo he was held and tortured by the Taliban and Al Qaeda. Obviously, American authorities were concerned that he was still loyal to Al Qaeda because you never forget your first captor. MORE »

Even after all these years, we’re still shocked that a popular television host can be so morally bankrupt as to take this passage from Barack Obama’s speech — “I’m aware that there’s still some who would question or even justify the events of 9/11. But let us be clear: Al Qaeda killed nearly 3,000 people on that day. The victims were innocent men, women and children from America and many other nations who had done nothing to harm anybody. And yet al Qaeda chose to ruthlessly murder these people, claimed credit for the attack, and even now states their determination to kill on a massive scale. They have affiliates in many countries and are trying to expand their reach. These are not opinions to be debated; these are facts to be dealt with.” — but cut it off after the first sentence and tell his audience that Barack Obama “decided to give 9/11 sympathizers a voice on the world stage.” At least make your comedy show funny, Sean. [Washington Monthly]

• NETFLIX! The Cold War with Politico is over at least for now, because this… this is just beautiful: “Bin Laden’s target was not just American audiences. Throughout the Bush years, Al Qaeda’s leadership served as a sort of Netflix for the Al Jazeera television network, sending in new tapes every few months to keep Islamic extremists whipped into a frenzy of anti-American animus.” That’s not really how it works. [Politico]

Barack Obama and his team of greasy Chicago “fixers” are up to that same dirty trick they played on poor old Hillary and poor old Walnuts during the 2007-2008 presidential campaign: subtly playing the race card on other people by feeding tips to their liberal goons in the white media, who then tap into their white guilt and publish menacing stories about how the other person is playing the race card because that other person hates black people. One example of this “Hyde Park switcheroo” was when Hillary Clinton said that white people are the only race capable of doing hard work. As rational human beings, we couldn’t see any imaginable problem with that. But for some reason, the Obama-backed MSM was calling this “racist.” It will never end, because Obama now is pulling this on Al Qaeda — and we simply cannot stay silent when poor old Al Qaeda is being disrespected. MORE »

Here we go and elect a half-muslin African Terrorist as president and the goddamned terrorists are complaining? We thought they would greet their New Liberator with sweets and handjobs! But no, Al Qaeda is still a bunch of twats. Listen what the latest YouTube guy of the never-ending supply of “Al-Qaida’s No. 2 Leaders” has to say about Barack Obama! MORE »

• McCain’s wife-swapping stunt: Will it work? [Princess Sparkle Pony]
• Add $13 thousand in makeup per month—a sum that could buy several, if not many, lipsticks—to Sarah Palin’s $700 billion fashion bailout. [The Sleuth]
• White supremacists are getting so bored of all their Nazi regalia, which means the RNC should give them $150k to go to Neiman’s too. [Fresh Intelligence]
• Al-Qaeda says it will support J. Hussein McCain in the election and hinted that there might be Terror (or allusions to such) to help him win. [Matthew Yglesias]
• Well, well look who’s suddenly so particular about the intended meanings of words corresponding to their usage! It’s Palin! She hates the name “Trooper-Gate” and would prefer that you refer to her gross abuses of power by their Christian name: “Taser-Gate.” [The Caucus]
• Your teevee can tell all your despicable partisan biases based on whether you like that show about the monster trucks jumping over sharks or that show about how ice storms prevent men from driving monster trucks on fishing trips. [Top of the Ticket]
  

Yes, America, this for sure is the relatable, spunky mom with small-town values who we want to be president after John McCain dies his third week in office: the one who blames the attacks of September 11 on Iraq. This puts her in a very exclusive club of exactly two, the other member being Dick Cheney, and together they are the only two humans left on earth willing to say with a straight face that there was a link between Iraq and Al Qaeda before 9/11. MORE »

Our favorite dumb presidential candidate, John “WALNUTS!” McCain, delivered a “major foreign policy address” today, and it was about war and diplomacy, the latter of which he will never use. Since the media is distracted by Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton, McCain can say (and has said!) all sorts of raving dementia-babble and no one will care, because he is a Maverick. But just for kicks, what hilarious things did he say in his speech? MORE »