John McCain’s favorite friend-with-benefits, South Carolina Sen. Lindsey Graham, today brought to the world’s attention an interesting fact: WALNUTS! has done more for Global Warming Change than Al “Global Warming = Peace” Gore. MORE »

After Al Gore lost the 2000 election because he was boring, he gained 400 pounds and grew a beard. Then America and all the world loved him! He made a movie about how the Earth is melting, and then he won a Swedish Prize, and soon a back-room deal at the Democratic National Convention will make him our president again. That is, unless President Barack Obama decides to give him some sort of shadow government post as the Climate Change Czar. Rumors are already afoot! MORE »

Yes, absolutely, no doubt, because that is precisely what Time’s Joe Klein says and that makes it true. You see, back in the old days, the national nominating conventions were very important. Since humans had no means of communicating long-distance until 1994 or so, each party’s leaders would gather in some fancy saloon in, say, Ohio, and smash whiskey bottles over each other’s heads until they decided on a good presidential nominee. And this is why Al Gore will finally win the presidency at this year’s Democratic National Convention. MORE »

Exhausted by the Hillary-Obama race? Kind of looking forward to John McCain getting 32% of the vote in November or maybe even dropping out in summertime, giving America a welcome respite from Election 2008? Well, too bad. The Main Stream Media wants you to know that beloved Polar Bear King Albert “Al” Gore may just end up as the Democratic nominee after all, thanks to a “second ballot” at the DNC convention that could give delegates, super delegates and super villain delegates the chance to put those women and minorities back in their rightful place. [Newsweek]

There is no better way to divine the future than to see what people are betting on. This is why everybody knew well in advance that the Patriots were going to win the Super Bowl in a walk! Now the mathematics of chance turns its eagle eye to the Democratic vice presidential contest and discovers that the likeliest pick is Nobel Prize winner, 8-year Veep, and secret president Al Gore. MORE »

Al Gore has said he won’t endorse a primary candidate. Before that, he said he wouldn’t be coaxed into running for president. He has said each of these 600 million times, and still, some people still think he might jump into the presidential race if they kiss his Global feet a few more times. But internet petitioners aside, let’s look at internet writers: They assume that Al Gore wants to endorse Obama, but he’s just too scared or respectful or something. MORE »

Which do you care about more: football, or global warming? Since both of these are liberal conspiracies, the common answer is usually “freedom.” Nevertheless, the Environment America organization issued a press release today trying to relate to the “average American,” who cannot understand the concept of “the temperatures are always going up and we will soon melt” and need to be patronized with football references. We’ve scanned this fucker up-and-down for red flags, but now we have stopped and assume it’s real. It is called: “Could Global Warming Threaten the Patriots’ and Giants’ Edge?: Rising Temperatures Could Lessen Home Field Advantage Over Warm Weather Rivals.” MORE »

Al Gore is the only big establishment Democrat of any import to withhold his endorsement at this point. That’s because he’s not a big establishment Democrat, actually — he is a veritable Jesus, and he’s above this “Politics.” How many Nobels has “Politics” won? Exactly. Some thought the Kennedys’ adoption of Barry Obama would give Gore what he needed to endorse him as well, but his advisers say he genuinely does not care about endorsing anyone. Oh, Al, what do you have to lose? That early endorsement of Howard Dean in 2004 wasn’t embarrassing at all. [Marc Ambinder]

Kinda sucks to be Hillary Clinton right now. Ted Kennedy — one of the last two major Democratic endorsers along with Al Gore, who seems to be keeping silent — has endorsed Barry Obama, last night’s big winner. The old fatso’s endorsement has been in the works for a few days, it turns out, so it’s not like he’s ‘tarding out just because of that delightful speech last night. Instead, insiders suggest that it was Kennedy’s history of killing young white bitches in his car that made him feel closer to “the black candidate.” [New York Times]

* Reliable Source: U.S. Trade Representative Susan Schwab is bringing back Flat Stanley. [WP]
* Shenanigans: The thin line between honorable and presidential. [Politico]
* The Sleuth: The Leahy-Ledger connection… Rep. James Clyburn just wants everyone to “chill a little.” [WP]
* Page Six: Huge Chavez enjoys his coca in the morning. [NYP]
* Rush & Molloy: Al Gore makes Bono feels guilty. [NYDN]

… but not to a candidate. Gotcha! Instead he endorsed gay marriage, or announced he supports it, or however you say it. All of a sudden those jokes about Gore being a big gay man from like, what, 1999, are coming back. So here’s a perfunctory “Hey, look how gay Al Gore is” line. Anyway, when are we getting that hyped candidate endorsement, big guy? [Politico]