• Mark Shields goes on teevee, describes his favorite sweaty homoerotic fantasy in vivid detail. [Think Progress]
• Matt Yglesias is very relieved that CAP is forbidden by federal law to replace him with a genetically superior blogger. [Matt Yglesias]
• Who will protect America’s morbidly obese children from mutant, oven-sized cupcakes? [Weekly Standard]
• A CNN intern galloped through the busy markets of Beijing in search of ObaMaoist souvenirs, only to discover that such paraphernalia has been outlawed for all eternity! And according to Mr. Gateway Pundit this is very bad/good/communist/socialist/gay? Sometimes it’s just hard to tell. [Gateway Pundit]
• CEI will deposit $500 in Al Gore’s PayPal account if he finger-bangs Lord Monckton. $510.50 if CEI can watch. [The Corner]

“LIKE MUSSOLINI”: THE MORE INTELLECTUAL ALTERNATIVE TO YOUR STANDARD HITLER SIMILE. Here’s another weirdly boring thing from the new Clinton oral history that also exposéd the fuck out of Boris Yeltsin getting drunk that one time. “Describing one interview in which Clinton was evaluating Gore’s campaigning during the 2000 election, Branch writes, ‘Gore lacked confidence in a light touch. Whenever he tried to be aggressive, said Clinton, Gore could come off ponderous and harsh, like Mussolini.’” OUTLANDISH! We will pre-order one million Kindles immédiatement. [Mother Jones]

By the Comics Curmudgeon
People, have you seen the famous terrible violent movie this summer, where the Batman is yelling angrily at the robots who became sentient and killed us all? And then also the other similarly terrible movies about the robots that are also cars, and also self-aware? Well, what if something like that were to happen, except instead of awesome robot cars, they were POLITICAL CARTOONS? Obviously, it would be significantly less terrifying and box-office-tastic, and it would look a little something like THIS. MORE »

• CLINTON, GORE BASICALLY HAVE SEX: “They shook hands first, and than hugged for a full five seconds, with Mr. Clinton patting his hand along Mr. Gore’s back and lingering before moving on to greet the waiting family members.” Nothing beats a good grundle-pumping on the tarmac. [NYT]

Al Gore’s on Capitol Hill today to talk about his science! So is Newt Gingrich, for no apparent reason. But back to Al Gore! Here’s Tennessee meanie Rep. Marsha Blackburn calling Al Gore an evil criminal, just looking for a profit like your average dyed-in-the-wool socialist. (?). Then he tells her, hey Marsha, don’t you even go there, Marsha. And below we have Al Gore taking question from everyone’s favorite hero, Joe Barton. Al tells Joe that sometimes the corporations tell lies. As if Joe doesn’t know. Hey John Warner’s there too! How about that. MORE »

Oh is there something special about today? Not that we could notice, but then here comes a spam from fat dope clown Al Gore and his latest ponzi scheme, “Repower America.” It’s the Earth Day! America’s celebration of the planet it owns, huzzah! Have you done your part? No? So you are some kind of Earth-Hating motherfucker? Turn off the computer and click the MORE button for helpful “Earth Day” hints! MORE »

BECAUSE HE DIDN’T READ IT: Al Gore’s polar-bear movie, The Inconvenient Truth, won a Grammy last night for best audio book. Barack Obama’s Grammy-winning audio book is so much better. [Broadway World]

• GLOBAL WARMING CONSIDERED A PROBLEM: Oh look, Al Gore wrote an AP article about the so-called “climate” under the pseudonym “Seth Borenstein.” Apparently Obama should fix the Earth, but “complicating everything is the worldwide financial meltdown.” The choice of “meltdown” in that sentence was not an accident, you see. [AP]

• Bitters are stocking up on guns before Obama sends all firearms all to Kenya, so his ancestors can more easily sacrifice animals in his honor. [Top of the Ticket]
• OMG Drudge Siren! Bill Ayers attended a lecture given by Jeremiah Wright last night. [Ben Smith]
• Andrew Sullivan is still demanding Sarah Palin’s medical records. Palin, who has literally no reason whatsoever to release her medical records, is stubbornly refusing to comply. [Andrew Sullivan]
• Now you can get your Hope Pornography in hardcover. [Jonathan Martin]
• The Hispanics whom the GOP were unable to successfully deport against their wills are now Democrats, for the most part. [Swampland]
• Al Gore, America’s most thriving national tragedy, probably won’t serve in Obama’s cabinet, but he’s gonna get right in there, just gonna do whatever he can, helpin’ out. [The Plank]

Yes, a McCain advisor said that John McCain “helped create” the motherfucking BlackBerry, which is an insult to John McCain, who lost his ability to type or invent small digital devices that have tiny little keys when he was in Vietnam for FIVE AND A HALF YEARS, ALAN. MORE »

As you listen to this HORRIFYING thriller soundtrack playing in Invesco Field while Obama walks off, here’s something cool that happened before the Secret Service apprehended us: a proposal, immediately in front. As soon as the would-be groom got on his knee, Al Gore walked on stage, and it almost seemed like the crowd’s eruption was responding to this Hope Couple. Maybe it was. She said yes, and we obnoxiously took a photo.