Tag Archives: al gore

  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Week: The Holocaust Was A Hoax, Martial Law In Texas Is Real

NB: Remember, talking about actual Nazis does not violate Godwin's Law
Lots of lovely deleted comments for you this week, many of them in reply to our piece about David Cole, the Holocaust denier who’s found an exciting new career denying climate change (he thinks climate scientists need to be tried for treason or something). Some of the comments were about what you’d expect, like this succinct dismissal of the entire topic, from one “boris_batonov,” who simply wrote: “so you retards believe in the holohoax” — and while we’re offended by his historical illiteracy and terrible punctuation, what really chafes is a username that insults a great cartoon character. Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Week: The Holocaust Was A Hoax, Martial Law In Texas Is Real…
  fiddling while miami drowns

Florida Sees, Hears, And Speaks No Climate Change. Also: Sinks Into The Sea

Oh HAI impending doom.
Perhaps you’ve heard that, thanks to [redacted] and its associated rising sea levels, Miami is very soon likely going to underwater. Tampa, too. And you would think that, were you the governor of the state that includes those two rather large cities, you might want to do something about it, or at least have your scientists talk about doing something about it. Read more on Florida Sees, Hears, And Speaks No Climate Change. Also: Sinks Into The Sea…
  Barack Who?

Bill Maher Right About A Thing

Sure he's a jerk. And he's dead on this time.
Bill Maher can really be a self-important, sanctimonious asshole at times. Thankfully, this is not one of them. On Real Time this week, Maher laid into all the Democrats who have been running as if Barack Obama were the ineffectual dictator Republicans have said he is. Read more on Bill Maher Right About A Thing…
  Dude Where's My Czar?

Obama To Fix All The Ebola Now

Rasputin auditions to be held next week
Take a deep breath through your respirator and relax, America! Barack Obama is going to appoint an Ebola Czar to coordinate the government’s response to the not-really-an-outbreak of Ebola in the USA. Read more on Obama To Fix All The Ebola Now…
  birth of a catchphrase

CNN Anchor Guy Insults Climate Deniers; Willfully Ignorant F**ksticks Outraged

You know, besides pointing and laughing
A special bouquet of greenhouse flowers goes to CNN anchor Bill Weir for the perfect reply to climate change deniers, please. You see, Weir was not terribly impressed with this Fox Nation story (aggregated from the Washington Times) that mocked Al Gore for attending a climate change meeting in Denver on a chilly, rainy day, because if it’s rainy and cold during the summer, then climate change is a myth, right? Read more on CNN Anchor Guy Insults Climate Deniers; Willfully Ignorant F**ksticks Outraged…
  Omission Accomplished

Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks That Kept Us Safe From Terrorism

He Kept Us Mostly Safe Kind Of
Well, fans of Christianist textbooks, just like in 1989, we’re just about at the end of history once again, or at least the end of our two rightwing Christian textbooks, almost. Last week, our 11/12th-grade textbook, United States History for Christian Schools (Bob Jones University Press, 2002), closed out* with a discussion of the 2000 election, so this week, we’ll rely solely on the the most fanciful textbook we’ve ever seen, A Beka’s 8th-grade America: Land I Love (2006), which advised us that George W. Bush’s “most important” qualification was that he “unashamedly identified himself as a born-again Christian” who “took a bold stand against moral evils such as abortion and gay rights.” And his presidency was almost as wonderful as Reagan’s, we learn, largely because Dubya rescued us from the horrors of the Clinton years. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks That Kept Us Safe From Terrorism…
  electile dysfunction

Sundays With The Christianists: American History Books With The Accuracy Of A Florida Election

Hey, folks, are you ready to relive the 2000 election? As if some of us didn’t spend most of 2000 through 2008 doing that already? Go dimple your chads, because it’s time for some butterfly ballots, Christian-textbook style! Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: American History Books With The Accuracy Of A Florida Election…
  fuck the troops

Sarah Palin Brings Her Patented Wit To Bear On Refudiating Strawman Bergdahl Story

Sarah Palin posted an example of rightwing comedy on her Faceplace thing Tuesday with some hilarious riffs on the absurd notion that Bowe Bergdahl has “forgotten how to speak English” — which isn’t something that anyone in Bergdahl’s family has really claimed, of course; we’ll get to that after the jump. But first, let’s enjoy Sarah’s super funny mockery of a U.S. soldier, because mocking The Troops is what all the cool kids are doing these days. Read more on Sarah Palin Brings Her Patented Wit To Bear On Refudiating Strawman Bergdahl Story…
  the internet was nice while it lasted

Obama Will Murder All Your Porn And Cat Videos, Too Bad, Suck It

OMG! Did you guys hear that the Internet is being given away? Quick! Download all the dirtiest porn you can, because THE INTERNET IS ABOUT TO GO AWAY FOREVER! YES, GODDAMIT, THIS DOES TOO DESERVE ALL CAPS BECAUSE THE INTERNET WORLD IS COMING TO AN END. At least, that’s what we are hearing. Are you freaking out yet? FREAK OUT, DAMMIT. Wait, we are hearing that there is a small chance of an over-reaction by everyone. Perhaps you should rein it in, Dear Reader, and calm the fuck down. No need to freak out all the time just because some crazy website told you to. Here’s the deal, straight from the Commerce Department, via Media Matters: To support and enhance the multistakeholder model of Internet policymaking and governance, the U.S. Commerce Department’s National Telecommunications and Information Administration (NTIA) today announces its intent to transition key Internet domain name functions to the global multistakeholder community. In non-government speak, the Washington Post helpfully explains, “U.S. officials announced plans Friday to relinquish federal government control over the administration of the Internet.” Apparently, in a transition that has been in the works since 1998, there will soon be a global governing body to help keep the Internet running smoothly and full of all the Interracial Siberian Threesomes your eyeballs can handle. Let’s wonksplore.  Read more on Obama Will Murder All Your Porn And Cat Videos, Too Bad, Suck It…
  blast from the past

Mitt Romney Still Griping About Candy Crowley’s Debate Moderation Because Jesus Please Shut Up

Oh Mittens. Why couldn’t you just get fat and sassy and grow a beard like other presidential losers, huh? Oh that’s right – because staying out of the public eye and not griping about being a sore loserman takes class, and perhaps that program hasn’t been uploaded yet. Instead, you are still rehashing things that happened like a million years ago, because we guess you still like seeing your name in print, and not for your funny dancing. Willard is all wah-wah-wah over that time Candy Crowley called him a lying liar during the presidential debate when he lied about BENGHAZI. You remember that, right? Well, Mitt certainly still remembers it, because he was yammering on and on about it on the Hugh Hewitt radio show the other day, per Mediaite: Read more on Mitt Romney Still Griping About Candy Crowley’s Debate Moderation Because Jesus Please Shut Up…
  global warming all over your face

Al Gore Forgot To Add ‘To Seven’ About A Thing So Climate Change A Hoax Haw Haw

One day in the future, we will all sit around and tell our grandchildren where we were on December 13, 2013, the day that some wingnut bloggers realized was the anniversary of Al Gore’s 2008 prediction that the North Pole ice cap would be gone in five years. (Gore has consistently said the ice cap would be gone in “five to seven years,” and “in as little as seven years.” They did find one video where he said “in five years,” and forgot to add “to seven” in the middle, so obviously Al Gore is a pathological liar.) But there is still ice at the North Pole so INPEACH!!!! and so forth. (Presumably we’ll be telling our grandchildren this story while huddled around a sun lamp deep within the abandoned salt mine we retreated to when global climate change made the planet’s surface an inhospitable hellscape with an atmosphere made up mostly of carbon dioxide and solar radiation.) Okay, the computer models Al Gore was referencing were off (or not!), and since this story was brought to us by the Stupidest Man on the Internet (who we really hope will #payup before humanity retreats underground to be enslaved by the Mole People) we would have just ignored it. Then we opened our Internet browser and read this piece about the challenges rising sea levels attributed in part to melting polar ice caps pose to our semi-beloved hometown of Norfolk, Virginia. And we remembered that oh yeah, the Stupidest Man on the Internet is a wingnut grifter making his living selling derp and derp-related accessories to morons. Meanwhile… Read more on Al Gore Forgot To Add ‘To Seven’ About A Thing So Climate Change A Hoax Haw Haw…
  President Nader Begs To Differ

Old Handsome Joe Biden Controversially Casts Doubt On True Outcome Of 2000 Election

That wacky Joe Biden has said another crazy thing! At a Washington DC fundraiser for Massachusetts Senate candidate Ed Markey on Wednesday, Vice President Joe Biden acknowledged former Veep Al Gore, also among the speakers, saying, according to a pool report, “This man was elected president of the United States of America…No, no, no. He was elected president of the United States of America. But for the good of the nation, when the bad decision, in my view, was made, he did the right thing for the nation.” But this cannot be! shouted a number of wingnut bloggers, because everyone knows that all questions about the 2000 election are completely settled, and could we please get back to debating something that’s actually in dispute, like how big a fraud global warming is? Read more on Old Handsome Joe Biden Controversially Casts Doubt On True Outcome Of 2000 Election…
  miz jackson if you're nasty

Here Is Victoria Jackson Not Being Totally Mentally Ill About Als Gore And Jazeera

Our old pal Victoria Jackson has been kind of mentally ill on her Facebook page lately, so we did not make fun of her for it because SAD FACE. (We try not to make fun of the actually mentally ill, though we fucked up on that P-E-N-I-S lady, and we’re pretty torn about yesterdays gaysatanbuttbabies.) But Ms. Jackson’s latest tour de force about Al Gore, Cyndi Lauper and Al Jazeera is not insane (beyond her usual shriekings bout SHARIA) so much as it is stupid and maybe drunk and also it makes no sense. Let us have a close read, together, of whatever the fuck she is rambling on about, in her feverdreams! Read more on Here Is Victoria Jackson Not Being Totally Mentally Ill About Als Gore And Jazeera…
  my sharia

Why Wouldn’t Al Gore Sell His Teevee Channel To Awesome Fair Journalists At Glenn Beck’s ‘The Blaze’?

Hey there, self-hating Americans. Are you interested in accessing quality programming like This Decadent, Doomed American Life? Or how about All Things Categorically Denied and Seemingly Random Executions Considered? Well, get pumped, because Al Gore is selling Current TV to sexy Arab news giant Al Jazeera, and he doesn’t care how many of Glenn Beck’s “George Washington kisses me tenderly on the frozen banks of the Potomac and finally tells me he loves me” dreams are crushed in the process. But why wouldn’t he sell his teevee channel to Glenn Beck? Is it because Al Gore is totally the same as Osama Bin Laden? Yes. Read more on Why Wouldn’t Al Gore Sell His Teevee Channel To Awesome Fair Journalists At Glenn Beck’s ‘The Blaze’?…
  'wild wild west' was a good movie right

Someone Please Assure Us That This ‘Steampunk Palin’ Comic Is An Elaborate Prank

Everyone should drop what they’re doing right now and give a million Pulitzers to the Comics Alliance for blowing the lid off of an upcoming “Steampunk Palin” comic book/graphic novel/spank mag. It is (obviously) about a near-future crisis where “Big Oil/Nuke” seizes control of energy production and so everyone has to switch to steam power (STEAM IS USUALLY GENERATED BY BOILING WATER WITH HEAT DERIVED FROM FOSSIL FUELS OR NUCLEAR POWER FYI), and then Sarah Palin is terribly injured by a bomb and wakes up months later having been turned into a steampunk cyborg superhero. With very large breasts? We’re not sure how that fits into this. (Haha, we are 100% sure how it fits into this: it helps you masturbate to the drawings more vigorously.) Anyway, if you would like to see more amazing/traumatizing images from this nightmare, which we’re pretty sure you do, go ahead and click the “READ MORE” link. Read more on Someone Please Assure Us That This ‘Steampunk Palin’ Comic Is An Elaborate Prank…
  pda

Obama Macks On Black Chick

OMG send the children from the room, you are about to see (or have just seen? Little quick with the clicky finger there, huh bub?) PORNOGRAPHY. Leave it to a black man to be totally unable to control his lust, for all the world to see! Look there, at this Socialist Usurper busy ravaging some black lady’s mouth, he cannot even help himself! (Except the first time they were on the Kiss Cam, when he got full-blocked.) Read more on Obama Macks On Black Chick…
  luntz it up

Virginia Idiot: ‘Sea Level Rise’ Newest Left-Wing Plot

Al Gore, besides inventing the Internet and lying constantly about that thing he said that was 100 percent correct, is also responsible for other terrible crimes against humanity. Do you know what they are? They are taking facts, like that the sea levels are rising, and making them terrible words only liberals use. Yes, the state of Virginia, in studying what to do about rising sea levels, has taken the words “sea level rise” out of its report on rising sea levels, because “sea level rise” is “left-wing.” Oh sweet Virginia. What would we here at Wonket HQ do without you and your bastard idjit brothers, like North Carolina, which already sort of did pretty much the same thing? Read more on Virginia Idiot: ‘Sea Level Rise’ Newest Left-Wing Plot…
  gangster's paradise

What We Learned From The Nice Libertarian Fellows At 1:30 In The Morning In A Detroit Hotel Bar

We tricked you! The nice Libertarian fellows in the Detroit hotel bar at 1:30 in the morning were not nice at all! They were stupid fucking idiots! But we learned a lot from them anyway, like so: * Al Gore invented the Internet. * Al Gore lied about being the basis for the main character in Love Story. * If someone calls out both of these statements as the complete lies of fucking idiots and explains succintly why, all of a sudden the conversation will mysteriously turn to the size of Al Gore’s house. Also, he flies on planes. * If you own a business, that is the same as running the National Institutes of Health, therefore ergo and QED of course you know what the National Institutes of Health does. Did you not just say you run a business? Read more on What We Learned From The Nice Libertarian Fellows At 1:30 In The Morning In A Detroit Hotel Bar…
  history's greatest monster

Al Gore And Keith Olbermann Now In Battle Of Snaps, Yo Mama Jokes

What is this, unfolding before our delighted eyes? It is a SNAP. First Current TV totes fired Keith Olbermann for (ALLEGEDLY) being a glass-chucking work-shirking screamy freakout monster. Then Olbermann went on Letterman, called himself a “$10 million chandelier” (?) and sued Current and its execs for being “dilettantes” and playing make-believe, which are not really actionable offenses? (Your Editrix did not take contract law, so maybe they are! You will now please write three pages, single-spaced, in the comments, on when an individual has standing to sue someone for dilettantism and play-acting.) And now Al Gore has unleashed the BITCHY! Rrrowr! Read more on Al Gore And Keith Olbermann Now In Battle Of Snaps, Yo Mama Jokes…
  today on cable teevee

Al Gore Fires Keith Olbermann For Being Terrible

Sanctimonious screeching creep Keith Olbermann, whose ego isn’t the size of Jupiter but certainly is that of Jupiter’s largest moon, has been fired from his 757th job on television, for being horrible. Current TeeVee owner and other relatively liberal person Al Gore was the one who did the firing, in an explosive memo which arrived at the common conclusion that Keith Olbermann is someone with whom it’s impossible to work. His replacement — starting tonight — will be former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer, last seen achieving the remarkable feat of being CNN’s most boring primetime host and, before that, constantly having sex with prostitutes. But but but, you will inevitably say in the comments because that’s what you always do on Olbermann posts, Keith Olbermann was the only thing that kept me sane during the Bush administration, with his unwatchable 10-minute fake rants where he pretended to be Ed Murrow! Never understood it; can’t offer you much help in that regard. Read more on Al Gore Fires Keith Olbermann For Being Terrible…
  murrrrrrrder

Former Celebrity Apprentice Contestant Jose Canseco Accidentally Murders Poor Al Gore

It seems like maybe Jose Canseco is not that smart of a guy. (And no, Magic Johnson is probably not going to hire him at 1B for the new, improved, mostly-McCourt-free Dodgers.) HOWEVER! He is very sweetly (and dumbly) Twitzing away with cool ideas for how to reduce your energy bills and save the world at the same time! Also, he accidentally murdered Al Gore. Read more on Former Celebrity Apprentice Contestant Jose Canseco Accidentally Murders Poor Al Gore…