FRANKEN-COLEMAN DEATH MATCH STILL IN COURT: Minnesota’s single senator says she expects this will be resolved when the polar ice caps melt; meanwhile, the secretary of state says any hope of a revote is “pure fantasy, pure baloney.” Suggestion: Appoint Roland Burris as interim senator. [Time]

Al Franken! Norm Coleman! Who will win this epic battle for the Senate? And more importantly, who cares who will win this epic battle for the Senate? The answer is both sides, equally. This is why the Senate stalemate is so goddamned stale. MORE »

We are very fond of the Talking Points Memo, and their many auxiliary sites that do reporting-type things for us to parasitize. So it is in the spirit of great love and affection that we must point out to David Kurtz, who wonders why the endless Coleman/Franken recount drama “still seems to be flying below the national political radar,” that nobody cares because it’s boring and complicated and both candidates are lame, the end. [TPM]

This is an actual panel, being held today, at the annual Conservative Political Action Conference. There are no words. [CPAC 2009]

It’s so easy to confuse the Als Sharpton and Franken, with the one being a black Baptist minister and the other being a white Jew from Minnesota. (Thank you master proofreader “Vic” for bringing this to our attention!) [Huffington Post]

• Today is Day 1 of the Coleman-Franken battle royale. The real winners are the people of Minnesota, and also probably Al Franken. [The Corner]
• Most New Yorkers blame Caroline Kennedy for Caroline Kennedy’s decision to ruin democracy and publicly disgracing the esteemed office of Chuck Schumer’s intern by failing to get a Senate appointment. [CNN Political Ticker]
• Former (!) President George W. Bush won’t be allowed to take all of his diplomacy bonus prizes back to Texas. Such winnings include: the weird cowboy shit given to him by Australia’s PM, a (hardcover) book of sonnets from Putin, and a promise necklace from King Abdullah bin Abdul Aziz al-Saud. [Washington Post]
• Good to know: Bill Kristol was downsized from the Times because he was a terrible writer who made up facts for his weekly sloppy fictions, not because he is a conservative or Sarah Palin’s friend. [Daily Beast]
• RNC Chairperson Marc Ambinder has selected your new Republican Last Great Hope for 2012: it’s pretend human “Dirk Kempthorne,” which is an anagram for “Kathryn Jean Lopez”. [Marc Ambinder]

Wow, this is a kind of a weird thing to say: Norm Coleman told the AP that anybody besides Al Franken would have really kicked his ass in that Senate race. Why is Norm Coleman pointing out that he could have been an even bigger loser than he already is, locked in an endless recount with a retired comedian who didn’t even live in Minnesota for 30 years? MORE »

Well, the Minnesota state canvassing board is set to certify Al Franken the winner of the Senate race against Norm Coleman. But maybe because it is Minnesota and the cold slows everything down (?), it will take a week for those certified results to show up … on a certificate. That gives Coleman the opportunity to file many lawsuits challenging the results, which were, in truth, probably bullshit anyway. MORE »

• Tomorrow is the anniversary — or “cumpleanos”, in Muslim — of Castro’s Cuban revolution. [Hit & Run]
• Douglas M. Elmendorf, some sort of lesser-known Lord of the Rings character, was selected by Democrats to direct the Congressional Budget Office. Nancy Pelosi is such a loser. [The Caucus]
• Michael Bloomberg has purchased the Clintons for New Year’s Eve. They will be displayed in Times Sq., for America. [Shenanigans]
• Barack Obama is holding an exciting essay contest! Winners will receive tickets to the Inauguration and the presidency of the Harvard Law Review. [CNN Political Ticker]
• Al Franken will probably beat Norm Coleman after all, in case that was putting a damper on your ability to enjoy New Year’s, which it couldn’t possibly have been. [HuffPost]

Your faithful Star-Tribune has a little ticker dealy on their front page and look, Al Franken is ahead by nearly 250 votes! The Coleman v. Franken recount has been going on since when, the Carter administration or so? Are both of these people even still alive, or have they been replaced yet by Adam Sandler and a Flowbee? [Star-Tribune]

By now you have heard the very silly story of the jokester who wrote in “Lizard People” on his ballot, singlehandedly derailing the very complicated Senate election in Minnesota. Witness this group of Deciders trying to figure out if Lizard People is a known individual or not. What is sadder, the American election system or the American legal system? (Thanks to “An annoyed (& entertained?) Minnesotan” for sharing. We are doomed.) [YouTube]