Tag Archives: al franken

  More Like Gomer Than Ernie Pyle

Everyone Who Knew Bill O’Reilly In 1982 Is A Vicious Lying Pinhead

O'Reilly, you magnificent bastard, we'll never read your book
You guys, this is really serious: It appears that virtually everyone from CBS who worked with Bill O’Reilly when he was bravely reporting on the Falklands War in 1982 is a vicious smear artist who just wants Billo to look bad! You see, Bill had said that he’d been a war correspondent and witnessed combat during the Falklands War, but then those meddling kids at Mother Jones went and pointed out that no reporters were allowed on the Falklands, and Bill had been in Buenos Aires, Argentina, over a thousand miles away. Read more on Everyone Who Knew Bill O’Reilly In 1982 Is A Vicious Lying Pinhead…
  Rudy Can't Fail

Rudy Giuliani Isn’t Racist, Just Can’t Stand That White Guy Who’s President

Former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani clarified his recent comments about Barack Obama yesterday, explaining that when he said that Barack Obama “doesn’t love America,” he was “not questioning his patriotism.” That’s actually true: Giuliani wasn’t questioning Obama’s patriotism; he was saying outright that Obama just plain doesn’t have any. Read more on Rudy Giuliani Isn’t Racist, Just Can’t Stand That White Guy Who’s President…
  Next They'll Be Letting People Vote

Now You Don’t Even Have To Go Broke Or Quit Your Job When You’re Sick, Thanks Obama

It's a great day for commies and mommies!
Here’s some good news: For the first time in years, fewer Americans are going broke due to medical bills, and it’s mostly because of Obamacare. On top of that, President Obama is pushing a proposal to require seven paid days of sick leave for all workers. It’s like we’re living in socialist Sweden already, isn’t it? Read more on Now You Don’t Even Have To Go Broke Or Quit Your Job When You’re Sick, Thanks Obama…
  Best damn Elizabeth Warren ever

Elizabeth Warren Is Our 2014 Legislative Badass Of The Year, Obviously Duh

How much do we heart the senator and perfessor of Massachusetts, the greatest and bestest Elizabeth Warren who ever Elizabeth Warrened? Pretty much all. Sure, there are a few — a very few — non-Elizabeth Warrens in the Senate who aren’t too bad for being non-Elizabeth Warrens. Bernie Sanders, the socialist senator from Vermont, isn’t too bad at badassing and makes a mighty fine runner-up for 2014 Legislative Badass. Read more on Elizabeth Warren Is Our 2014 Legislative Badass Of The Year, Obviously Duh…
  Death Panels For Your Bandwidth

Ted Cruz Finds Exciting New Ways To Be Wrong About Net Neutrality

Then WHO WAS PHONE?
As we have established pretty clearly, Ted Cruz doesn’t know a damned thing about Net Neutrality, and he is also quite proud of his ignorance. So proud that he even wrote a whole column full of stupid, in which he repeated his Twitter catchphrase and then added more pure wrongness: Read more on Ted Cruz Finds Exciting New Ways To Be Wrong About Net Neutrality…
  Every Single One Of Us The Devil Inside

Gordon Klingenschmitt To Slay All The (Literal) Demons In The Colorado House

Gordon KlingenWingen Schmitzennutt
Yr Wonkette would just like to know: is there somewhere we can subscribe to a 24/7 video stream of the Colorado House of Representatives when it starts its next session? Because one of our favorite crazies, disgraced former Navy chaplain and nutso webcast preacher Gordon “Dr. Chaps” Klingenschmitt won election to the District 15 seat by a whopping 40-point margin over some sane Democrat lady. Mr. Klingenschmitt is a truly epic figure — he was court-martialed and kicked out of the Navy in 2011 for wearing his uniform at a White House protest, which gave him just the right “oppressed Christian” cred to become a national hero to wingnuts. At every opportunity, he explains that literal demons are at work in people he disagrees with, from The Gays to Barack Obama to public school teachers, and probably cable installers who don’t show up on time, because Satan and his Army of Darkness are everywhere. Read more on Gordon Klingenschmitt To Slay All The (Literal) Demons In The Colorado House…
  Here have some news n stuff

Elizabeth Warren Is Being A Badass Again, Because It Is A Day

Elizabeth Warren for everything
By Twp [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons We sure do love us some Sen. Elizabeth Warren because ALL the reasons. She is always yelling at the too-big-to-fail banks and the sleazy credit card industry and the sleazier Republican Industrial Complex and the greedy bastards who think They Built That. And here she is again, telling it like it is again, which is why we love her all over again some more forever: Read more on Elizabeth Warren Is Being A Badass Again, Because It Is A Day…
  Blowback? What Blowback?

Defending Baby-beater Adrian Peterson Costs Money So Never Mind About Due Process

Yes, asshole, it was something you did
By Mike Morbeck [CC-BY-SA-2.0], via Wikimedia CommonsIt’s sarcasm-funny how only two days ago, the Minnesota Vikings announced that while “we take very seriously any matter that involves the welfare of a child,” there was no reason running back Adrian Peterson shouldn’t be allowed to kick the sportsball on the field while after being indicted for┬ábeating the ever-lovin’ crap out of his four-year-old son with a tree branch, leaving bloody welts all over his FOUR-YEAR-OLD body. (Or as certain internet scumbags and sportsball stars and “comedians” called it, good old-fashioned parenting like how they were raised and they turned out just fine so what’s the big deal?) The Vikings agreed that beating kids is bad, sure, but on the other hand, “due process and we should allow the legal system to proceed.” Read more on Defending Baby-beater Adrian Peterson Costs Money So Never Mind About Due Process…
  clipbait

John Oliver Laugh Fest Continues With Jolly Look At America’s Love For Prison

John Oliver’s Last Week Tonight keeps pushing the boundaries of what we expect in a fake comedy news show, tackling such not-immediately-hilarious topics as net neutrality, Uganda’s anti-gay laws, and income inequality and producing segments that are both genuinely informative and funny. This week, he turns to the moral outrage that is America’s prison system, and notices that while it makes for good TV, from Orange is the New Black to MSNBC’s entire weekend programming schedule, to the TNT classic, Tim Robbins Stands Shirtless in the Rain: The Movie, we also don’t like having to think about the realities of prison all that much. And yet there are some fairly disturbing things about the number of Americans in prison — little things, like the fact that America has more people in prison than China, which he notes is the only thing we have more of than China outside of “debt to China.” Read more on John Oliver Laugh Fest Continues With Jolly Look At America’s Love For Prison…
  the him decade

Al Franken Opponent Knows What Is Funny: Ow, My Balls!

Apparently some poor schmuck is running against Al Franken to represent the great state of Minnesota in the United States Senate. And that guy — Mike McFadden we guess? — is taking it to Franken’s side of the court or his goal or something (sportsball!) by proving he too knows a little bit about the funny, and that is “getting hit in the balls.” But some people find his campaign ad — getting hit in the balls — to be “vulgar” or “family unfriendly” or “like something on that communist website the Wookie” even though America’s Funniest Top Home Video Of People Getting Hit In The Balls was the number one show for 179 years running. Love it or leave it! Read more on Al Franken Opponent Knows What Is Funny: Ow, My Balls!…
  the art of fisticuffs

Former Bachmann Aide Has Satisfying New Career Losing Campaigns, Slapping People

Among the joys of local politics are the “characters” and “loveable bums” that the local press get to know over the years. We were delighted to learn of one such congenial fellow from Minneapolis’s City Pages today: Former Michele Bachmann chief of staff Andy Parrish, who in the past has fought for Traditional Marriage and also been photographed at a hot-oil bikini wrasslin’ match, though not, apparently, as a competitor. We guess we miss out on a lot in exchange for not having PolarDeepFreezeSnowPocalypse winters! Mr. Parrish’s most recent exploits were at the MNGOP Convention over the weekend, where after the candidate whose campaign Mr. Parrish managed failed to win the nomination to run for U.S. Senate against Al Franken, Parrish got all in the grill of a supporter of another candidate, calling him “cream puff” and then slapping him in the face a few times for good measure. It’s not exactly Preston Brooks whomping Charles Sumner with a cane on the floor of the U.S. Senate, but for our fallen modern age, it’s pretty good theater, and a useful corrective to the propaganda warblings of that Keillor fellow. Read more on Former Bachmann Aide Has Satisfying New Career Losing Campaigns, Slapping People…
  It does NOT please the court actually

Al Franken So Mean To Obama Nominee Michael Boggs, Just Because He Loves Confederate Flag, ‘Crisis Pregnancy’ Centers

Because he is the most lefty liberal commie Marxist something something who has ever usurped the White House, President Barack Obama nominated this one Georgia peach named Michael Boggs to the United States District Court for the Northern District of Georgia. Boggs, a former attorney and currently a judge on the Georgia Court of Appeals, is exactly the kind of gay-marriage throat-cramming abortions-for-everyone reincarnation of Saul Alinsky you’d expect Obama to nominate. After all, he was a DEMOCRAT in the state House of Representatives. Ipso facto, prima facie, et cetera. Except for, well, not really. [NARAL] is alarmed by votes that Boggs took — as a state legislator in the early 2000s — to “channel funds to anti-choice crisis pregnancy centers and make a parental consent law even more extreme[.] And lest you think it is only the baby-killing feminazis who find Boggs problematic, think again, sucka, because there are some blah people who are a tad concerned also too. Boggs has already come under fire from civil rights icons Joseph Lowery and Rep. John Lewis (D-Ga.) — both of whom were awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom by Obama — for a vote Boggs took in opposition to removing the Confederate insignia from Georgia’s flag. Fortunately, Boggs had an opportunity to explain himself before the Senate Judiciary Committee today, and that went really well for people who are not Michael Boggs. Read more on Al Franken So Mean To Obama Nominee Michael Boggs, Just Because He Loves Confederate Flag, ‘Crisis Pregnancy’ Centers…
  real man

Al Franken’s GOP Rival Mike McFadden Will Cut Obamacare Just Like He Cut His Child

True fact: when Al Franken began his 2008 run for Senate, many Minnesotans, including this particular portion of yr Wonkette, were worried that he would be a wacky sort of Senator. This did not seem like an unfounded worry, given Saturday Night Live and Stuart Smalley and the amazing spot-on Mick Jagger impersonation. But a weird thing happened! Al Franken is not a funny senator. He is a hard-working senator who has done cool things like get funding for service dogs for military members with PTSD and trying to increase funding for poor kids to actually get to eat at school. This message does not seem to have reached one of his potential GOP opponents, Mike McFadden, who is determined to out-funny Al Franken but instead comes off super creepy with this heartwarming story of how he took his kid’s stitches out with a scissors because he was too cheap to have a doctor do it. Read more on Al Franken’s GOP Rival Mike McFadden Will Cut Obamacare Just Like He Cut His Child…
  frankenboobs

Al Franken’s GOP Opponent Outraged By His Unspeakable Attack On Women With Traffic Cone Boobies

The other day, we brought you the most serious scandal of the 2014 midterms so far: the revelation that in 2012, Al Franken held two small traffic cones to his chest as if they were boobies. After the story was broken by Dead Breitbart’s Internet Home for Incoherent Outraged Babbling, it made its way to the campaign office of one of the Republican candidates hoping to take on Franken in the fall, Minnesota state Sen. Julianne Ortman, who tossed it onto her FacePlace page with the accusation that Franken “doesn’t take women seriously.” Which is so very true, because in 1970-something he made a really dumb rape joke during an SNL writers’ meeting, which is the only thing you need to know about Al Franken and his attitudes toward women. Certainly nothing he’s done in the Senate — like his amendment banning the government from contracting with companies that try to keep women from pursuing rape cases, or his support for equal pay, or his support for stronger domestic violence protections — can ever make up for that. But yes, if you are offended by Franken’s misuse of traffic cones, sign the petition — which is, of course, just a link to get you on Ortman’s mailing list. On the other hand, we suppose we agree that it’s not all that funny, but who knows what he was saying — it might have totally reframed the traffic-cones-as-boobs visuals in a brilliantly satirical ironic context. Clearly, an investigation is needed. Read more on Al Franken’s GOP Opponent Outraged By His Unspeakable Attack On Women With Traffic Cone Boobies…
  come see the violence inherent in the system!

Al Franken Can’t Stop Playing With His Big Fake Breasts (Video)

BREAKING BREITBART SCOOP MUST CREDIT BREITBART! In 2012, Minnesota Sen. Al Franken was videotaped goofing around with a couple of small traffic cones. Charlie Spiering, a Very Concerned Horcrux of Breitbart, offers this analysis: Since his narrow election to the Senate in 2009, Sen. Al Franken has labored to create a new image for himself as a studious wonk. But it looks like he still retains the racy sense of humor that originally landed him on Saturday Night Live. A new video obtained by Breitbart News shows the former comedian and left-wing pundit playing with a pair of traffic cones pretending they were a pair of female breasts. Franken is seen in the video holding two cones to his chest and grinning in an apparent flash of comedy. Yes, women’s breasts are “funny” to Al Franken. SHAME AL FRANKEN. SHAME. Or possibly he was making a Madonna joke, which would be sadly out of date but also the first thing that comes to mind. Shocking video after the jump!!! Read more on Al Franken Can’t Stop Playing With His Big Fake Breasts (Video)…
  this must be the new world

Exene Cervenka Is Probably A 9/11 And Sandy Hook Truther Now And We Are Sad

Man, we love Exene Cervenka and X from way back. Like WAY back to “Johnny Hit And Run Paulene” back, so we are deeply sad and weirded out by the fact that Exene seems to have gone full-on conspiracy theorist on us when we weren’t looking. Say it ain’t so! Read more on Exene Cervenka Is Probably A 9/11 And Sandy Hook Truther Now And We Are Sad…