Wonkette

George W. Bush, that guy who dances sometimes and gave up golf for the troops, is spending the waning days of his presidency touring the world and bumming out millions of foreigners every day. About a week and a half ago, it was Great Britain’s turn to be wildly inconvenienced by the American President. MORE »

Everybody knows that people wishing to carry out terrorist attacks against airports in the UK must follow a time-honored ritual: they must crash a flaming Jeep into the terminal, and then jump out of the Jeep and run around on fire until a heroic cabbie kicks them in the testicles. Hallowed tradition demands nothing less! Unfortunately, one would-be terrorist didn’t get the memo. MORE »

How the hell is Mike Huckabee doing these days? Well, he’s thirsty, and he’s still running for President of Jesus, and to finance both of these things he delivered a paid speech in the Cayman Islands — where the Fat Cats hide their money — this weekend. Wonkette operative “Mikey G.” happened to spot Huckabee at Miami Airport on Sunday, presumably when our heroic candidate was returning from his Island holiday. Huckabee, of course, was very alone, and no one knew who he was. MORE »

The TSA is busy doing much of nothing these days. Last week, they warned us about this crazy new device called a shoe bomb and modified their profiling of people with turbans. What’s next, will they reintroduce Clear, that program where you paid the TSA $100 a year to speed you through airport security? Whatever happened to that shitty idea? That really took off, didn’t it? Anyway, we’d to take a moment and congratulate these hardworking men and women on the front lines who build snaking lines with on-the-job training of troglodytes, police academy dropouts and lazy thugs. And a special big thanks to Maine’s Portland International Airport, (”The Preferred Airport for Terrorists!”) where we noticed a number of TSA agents hanging out at the bar. It’s true, we are winning the war on terror. MORE »

Sioux City’s airport has decided to embrace the fact that its three-letter identifier is SUX. They asked the FAA for a replacement code and were offered GAY. Ha ha, GAY!

America’s boldest government effort to employ the retarded — the Transportation Security Administration — just announced its security guards are now unable to notice a record 75% of the fake bombs brought through Los Angeles International Airport’s x-ray machines. The numbers are almost as miserable in Chicago, where 60% of the fake bombs went unnoticed by TSA losers at O’Hare.

But TSA chief Kip Hawley proudly noted that the airport screeners took 96% of passengers’ toothpaste, 88% of their dry stick deodorant and an impressive 79% of $3 bottles of water purchased after going through security.

Most fake bombs missed by screeners [USA Today] MORE »

Happy Wednesday! One of your editors is stuck in airport layover hell, the other is presumed dead, or possibly in Reno. Thankfully, Gerald Ford died in time for us to cover it in a timely fashion, and nothing else will happen this week until Saddam Hussein is either publicly hung or stages an elaborate and daring escape. MORE »