Wonkette

Because of the damn terrorists, hobos will now have to take off the roaster chickens they use as footwear before boarding planes. In the Chicago area last Friday, a “motorist” noticed a whole roaster chicken, presumably on the road, stuffed not with innards or stuffing or golden trinkets, but with an IED, to blow up America. The bomb was defused by Authorities, and it’s a damn good thing — apparently that was one of those “unfriendly” bombs that hurts people: “Police Capt. Matthew Catania would not describe the bomb, but said it was ‘capable of causing harm to a person.’” Do not eat Roaster Chickens, ever. [Chicago Sun-Times]

Wonkette airlines operative “Maria” was trying to book a lovely vacation to Democratic Russia, but American Airlines does not know what that country is. It does, however, know that the USSR still exists, as well as Yugoslavia. Why doesn’t the Main Stream Media report this?

Here’s where we are: If you have any trace amount of “metal” on your person, or in your luggage, or anywhere in your life, you are a terrorist and cannot board airplanes. Did you forget, Average American? You are never supposed to do that. Some lady did forget, however, and was forced to remove her nipple piercings with a pair of pliers at airport security. She is very upset, too! MORE »

Oh look at you, you people sitting in that plane on the runway. You think you’re so special and important. Ooh, you want a leather chandelier and a pet tiger along with your fancy “fresh air” and your decadent “glass of water” and your “place to pee that is not in your pants”? Just keep working on your sudoku, you fat idiots, and be glad you don’t have to share your plane with ten dozen crates of chickens and a leper, they way they do in SOME COUNTRIES. [AP]

As those two chicks discussed this morning, Hillary made herself a HILLARE mock flight attendant speech to reporters yesterday! Haha, it was cute because she acted like a silly goat (humanizing points) while re-assuming the inevitable presidential role (inevitable presidential role points). Oxygen tanks were released and unfortunately no one died of suffocation. MORE »

What does John Kerry do when he’s trapped in First Class for several hours and tragically unable to issue statements on legislation, global warming, things Don Imus said and the new 1/3-pound Angus McBurger? MORE »

* Iranians claim to have shot an American drone. No, not that drone. [Fars News]
* “Walnuts” is being challenged for official John McCain diminutive of ‘07. [Blondesense]
* Chris Matthews shows how it’s done. [Eschaton]
* Richard “Air Adonis” Branson will let your glow sticks and ecstasy on his plane if you help him stick it the Transportation Department. [Let VA Fly]
* President Bush is pretty much over saying “God bless America” all the damn time. [Political Insider]
* New Saddam Hussein video worth the two clicks. [The Jawa Report]
* The American economy: Damn, it feels good to be a gangsta. [The Big Picture]

• Tonight Mike Wallace interviews Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Let’s go behind the scenes: “He’s actually, in a strange way, he’s a rather attractive man, very smart, savvy, self-assured, good looking in a strange way,” Wallace said, “He’s very, very short but he’s comfortable in his own skin.” [Powerline]
• Raul Castro still hasn’t been seen in public. [Babalu Blog]
• Cuter “conversation avoidance devices” please. [HP]
• If you still have energy for Mel Gibson, his problem is “a life not surrendered to Jesus Christ.” [Slice of Laodicea]
• Muslims hate airplanes, us. [Scrappleface]