Barack Obama is very young, but he will be working with a Congress full of codgers who say, “Ennnh?” and urge him to speak louder into their ear trumpets. The average age of a senator is 63, while the average House member is 57. That, in layman’s terms, is “super old.” It should be noted that Robert Byrd continues to exert a heavy drag on the average age of Senators. (Byrd recently celebrated his 113th birthday.) [USA Today]

JOHN McCAIN ONE-THIRD DEAD ALREADY: “There is a roughly 1 in 3 chance that a 72-year-old man will not reach the age of 80, which is how old McCain would be at the end of a second presidential term. And that doesn’t factor in individual medical history, such as McCain’s battles with potentially lethal skin cancer.” This is why it’s so important to get him elected as quickly as possible, before pieces start falling off. [Politico]

Last week, John McCain described his veep-vetting process, “jokingly,” as this: “You know, basically it’s a Google.” His omission of the word “search” — a Google “search” — was very shocking to every reporter and teevee personality; it showed that John McCain is OMFG so old while, in contrast, reporters and teevee personalities are so young. Anyway, this soul-crushing narrative about the proper usage of “Google” has taken another fake turn: Barack Obama mentioned “Google” three times in his speech yesterday. Correctly! And if you say “Google” three times correctly into a bathroom mirror, a magic troll appears and steals John McCain away to Narnia. [Jonathan Martin]

Everyone in Europe is a socialist Liberal arugula-swilling white wine-eating gay elite terrorist statist freedom-hating fairy, except for one man: Silvio Berlusconi, who said today that he favors John McCain, and did so by mocking him: “I suppose I could express my own personal preference for one of the candidates, the Republican candidate, and this is for a very selfish reason, and that is that I would no longer be the oldest person at the upcoming G8.” So far, this is the most reasonable explanation any individual has offered for supporting John McCain. [WSJ]

No matter who the Democrats nominate for the Presidency this fall, the candidate’s sure to be a slam dunk — because as much as they hate women and black people, most American citizens would rather chew off their own arms than elect a person over the age of 70. Thus John McCain will surrender to noble Defeat in November, the victim of a cruel public that hates him for his physical frailty and weak mind. MORE »

According to a shocking new poll, nobody trusts Hillary Clinton farther than they could throw her and they would not throw her very far. But her husband says that people who are old and wise, like Bill Clinton, find her very trustworthy indeed because they know the value of a candidate who is a poor public speaker. MORE »

Democratic operatives won’t have to bring up John McCain’s age in the upcoming Presidential campaign — because every American alive already knows that the presumptive Republican nominee is impossibly old, in failing health, and so brain-addled that he thinks proper birth control involves sea sponges and liniment. But will all these factors just remind Americans of Ronald Reagan, America’s last demented old President, and lead to a landslide McCain victory in the fall? MORE »

Wonkette operative “Choire” notes that Tony Snow looked about 20 years younger last year: MORE »