Tag Archives: africa

  He Should Golf With A Teleprompter While He's There

Obama Trolling Donald Trump Again, Will Visit Kenya, Or Home Sweet Home

By now, we can't imagine anyone would make a big deal about it.
In a move that shouldn’t provoke any hysteria at all on the internet, the White House announced that President Obama will travel to Kenya in July for the “2015 Global Entrepreneurship Summit (GES),” which is a “global platform connecting emerging entrepreneurs with leaders from business, international organizations, and governments looking to support them.” Read more on Obama Trolling Donald Trump Again, Will Visit Kenya, Or Home Sweet Home…
  All The Derp What's Fit To Herp

Derp Roundup: Science Man Wears Tacky Sexist Shirt, Twitter Has Thoughts

The politically correct war on dorks continues
Welcome to Derp Update, your occasional feature where we purge our browsers of stories that didn’t quite merit a whole post, but were too remarkably stupid to ignore altogether. Fear that your brain cells may be harmed by exposure to toxic weirdness? Dilute! Dilute! Read more on Derp Roundup: Science Man Wears Tacky Sexist Shirt, Twitter Has Thoughts…
  Ebola Virus Anagrams To 'A Lib Over Us'

Jim Inhofe Maybe OK With Fighting Ebola Now, Maybe

I'm old, I don't need to make sense
Wingnuts who think it’s just crazy for Barack Hussein Obama to send U.S. troops to Africa to fight Ebola — don’t be silly, you can’t shoot a virus! — have themselves a new hero in Oklahoma Sen. James Inhofe. Until this morning, he had blocked funding for the mission because he is an amoral asshole he has serious concerns about stretching the defense budget too thin at a time when we need to be ready to do war in Syria and stuff. Read more on Jim Inhofe Maybe OK With Fighting Ebola Now, Maybe…
  Be Afraid. Be More Afraid.

Congressional Candidate Will Protect Arizona From Ebola-Ridden Immigrant Kids, Sharknados

The documentary that changed Tobin's life
Arizona’s primary election is next Tuesday, and the final days of the campaign are bringing out the crazy. Like the early days did, for that matter. And stepping up to the challenge in the District 1 Republican congressional primary is Andy Tobin, the speaker of the state House, who worries that migrant children are carrying Ebola across the border to liquefy our internal organs, just like in that one movie. Read more on Congressional Candidate Will Protect Arizona From Ebola-Ridden Immigrant Kids, Sharknados…
  The Full Tony Clifton

Ann Coulter Continues Her ‘Not Sure If Trolling?’ Summer Tour

Ann Coulter continues her summer-long metamorphosis from screeching, #SlatePitching hate troll to design-school drop-out performance artist. It all started back in June, when she suggested with a straight face that enjoying soccer was a sign of “national decay.” Yesterday, it continued with her latest column about Dr. Kent Brantly, the American physician she accuses of “Christian narcissism” for the mortal sin of trying to help Africans afflicted with hemorrhagic fever. You try to make sense out of the opening of Coulter’s column, because we can’t. Read more on Ann Coulter Continues Her ‘Not Sure If Trolling?’ Summer Tour…
  just sing about jesus & drink wine all day

Gun Guy Larry Pratt Wonders Why Our Blacks Can’t Just Sing And Be Happy Like The African Ones

Larry Pratt, the descriptively named executive director of Gun Owners of America, has figured out how to improve The Blacks in America: In a recent radio interview, he explained that American blacks would have a much better time of it if they could just be more like “the African from Africa.” You know, that one guy. Pratt, who has previously warned about the private army of blacks that Obama is building to foment race war in the USA, spoke last month with Selwyn Duke on the “Gun Owners News Hour” — proving again that every rightwinger has a podcast — and they went over the usual news, like how Obama is converting the U.S. military into “a martial law ready” force by promoting minorities above whites, and then they got to the more arcane stuff about how American blacks could really learn a lot about good attitudes from Africans from the Africa: “Generally, the African from Africa is a very pro-American person, a very happy person,” Pratt said. “I know several, and they’re always happy with a joke, a pleasant smile on their face, and they clearly don’t identify with the surliness that’s all too frequently the attitude of their fellow African Americans here.” And Larry Pratt sure could learn a lot from trying to emulate human beings, now couldn’t he? Read more on Gun Guy Larry Pratt Wonders Why Our Blacks Can’t Just Sing And Be Happy Like The African Ones…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Stocking Stuffer Of Stoopid

Happy Solstice, you ugly vile little snark mob! Welcome to yet another Derp Roundup, the weekly feature where we steam-clean our browser tabs, clearing out a bunch of stories that weren’t worth a full post on their own, but too stoopid to ignore altogether. Then we serve up the resulting sludge up for you to choke down as best you can (Protip: Add liquor). Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Stocking Stuffer Of Stoopid…
  with the swearing and the hurting and the tinsel

Deleted Comments Of The Day: You Trashy Racist Bitchsluts Need To Say ‘Merry Christmas’ Or Else

Looks like it’s time for another trip to the ol’ comment queue, that purgatory where comments submitted by new users must cool off until we deem them worthy of inclusion in the Wonkette Community (bribery can help). Our first missive comes from “Sam_Gavurin,” who was not at all pleased with our story about fake “War On Christmas” stories. Sam_Gavurin sent two important messages, the first being an all-caps “C H MERRY I S T M A S ! !” which we think may be some kind of concrete poem or something. The second made his point a bit more explicitly: If you miserable “Politically Correct ” killjoys want to abstain from CHRISTMAS, that’s fine with me! But DO NOT ruin CHRISTMAS for the rest of us. If you killjoys hate CHRISTMAS so much, move to a communist country, and leave us alone! MERRY CHRISTMAS! Since neither of the items in the actual story actually involved anyone attempting to ruin, abolish, or otherwise harm Christmas — except maybe the fascists of Orange County who don’t allow Christmas lights strung across a public road, because zoning/safety — we will have to assume that Sam_Gavurin just wanted to drop by and remind us of our holiday travel options. And a cheery Festivus to you, too, Sam_Gavurin! Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Day: You Trashy Racist Bitchsluts Need To Say ‘Merry Christmas’ Or Else…
  hear the drums echoing at night

There Is No Better Song In The World For Nelson Mandela’s Funeral Than Toto’s ‘Africa’ Except For All These Other Ones

So let’s say you work for CBS This Morning, or whatever the hell their also-ran morning teevee show is called. Oh, just go along with it. So you work for CBS AM, and you are tasked with finding the bumper music for a teaser about upcoming coverage of Mandela’s funeral. What song do you use? Read more on There Is No Better Song In The World For Nelson Mandela’s Funeral Than Toto’s ‘Africa’ Except For All These Other Ones…
  everyone has aids aids aids

How Did You Celebrate World AIDS Day? (Buttsechs)

Happy World AIDS Day (a day late, because drunk)!! Have you celebrated? How, exactly, does one celebrate the 25th annual World AIDS Day? We bought our Editrix a 10-pack of female condoms, because safe sexytimes are good sexytimes. The United States, on the other hand, celebrates by spending billions each year around the globe fighting AIDS. Hooray us, because fighting AIDS is a good thing. The fight against global AIDS started in earnest with President GWB, with a generous assist from President Carter, when he set up the President’s Emergency Plan for AIDS Relief, or PEPFAR. Back in 2003, Congress was willing to fund the hell out of it because that was when the GOP was spending money like a drunken sailor Rick Santorum in a whorehouse petting zoo, because Republican President. Now that the GOP is all focused on debt & deficit (i.e., Dem Prezzy), monies are tight for foreign aid. What’s a President to do? Let’s safe-sexplore.  Read more on How Did You Celebrate World AIDS Day? (Buttsechs)…
  nice time!

Doctors Prove George W. Bush Has A Heart; Repair It For Him

We like snark, and sometimes we pick on people because they do really dumb things that make this country worser and worserer. However, even if we dislike people’s policies, actions, accents, and pinky fingers, we respect everyone as a HUMAN BEAN. With that preamble out of the way, we are happy that George W. Bush is recovering from successful heart surgery, per ABC News: Former President George W. Bush has successfully undergone a heart procedure after doctors discovered a blockage in an artery. The doctor said that the blockage was opened with no complications, and the 43rd President should be able to return home on Wednesday.  Read more on Doctors Prove George W. Bush Has A Heart; Repair It For Him…
  global nice time

Barack Obama Arrives Home In Africa, Cures AIDS And Stuff

With so much Nice TimeTM happening in the U.S. recently (Texas badass womyns & mandatory gay marriages) we thought this would be a good time to talk about some Global Nice Time. As President Obama travels to Africa to retrieve his actual birth certificate, there is good news coming from several African countries: Seven countries in sub-Saharan Africa, the world’s worst-hit region in the global AIDS epidemic, have cut the number of new HIV infections in children by 50 percent since 2009, the United Nations AIDS programme said on Tuesday. The dramatic reductions – in Botswana, Ethiopia, Ghana, Malawi, Namibia, South Africa and Zambia – mean tens of thousands more babies are now being born free of HIV, UNAIDS said in a report on its Global Plan to tackle the disease in around 20 of the worst affected countries. Holy shit – 50% reductions in 4 years is REALLY good, people. As the Our Glorious Leader and North Star of Socialism begins his trip through Senegal, Tanzania and South Africa, let’s learn more about how he is personally curing AIDS, making blind men see, and walking across rivers all over that continent! Read more on Barack Obama Arrives Home In Africa, Cures AIDS And Stuff…
  wonksplainer

Why Does The GOP Love Wasting Money On African Food Aid? A Wonksplainer!

Back by popular demand, I’m here to wonksplain how our stupid Congresspeople continue to legislate with the combined IQ of a Michelle Malkin and Glenn Beck love child. Today’s topic: International Food Aid! Or, why your tax monies is going to help poor Ethernopians in the most inefficient way possible. Put on your thinking caps and grab a bottle of whiskey, cause there be learnin str8 ahead. Read more on Why Does The GOP Love Wasting Money On African Food Aid? A Wonksplainer!…
  Please Sir May We Have Another?

Forbes Explains Why You People Need More Horrible Rich Ladies Like Gina Rinehart

Hey–remember Gina Rinehart?  Oh, sure you do! She is the world’s richest woman and by some bizarre coincidence, also seems to be one of the world’s worst people. Here she is, warning Australians that it is ‘too expensive’ to mine there because she can hire Africans for less than $2 per day and oh, here she is again, suggesting that Australia make itself more profitable to her by passing a healthy wage cut. And before that, on Thursday, August 30, she advised us Poors to shut up and eat our gruel. No, really!  “If you’re jealous of those with more money, don’t just sit there and complain,” she said in a magazine piece. “Do something to make more money yourself — spend less time drinking or smoking and socialising, and more time working.” What a nice lady! Isn’t she charming? What a national treasure for Australia, they must be so glad they have her all to themselves. Oh you do not find this charming? Well here, Mark Hendrickson has published a nice long essay in Forbes about how awesome Gina Rinehart is and why we should defend her specific brand of horribleness and praise her for telling the TRUTH, yes, the TRUTH, about Poors and how much we love our drinking and our socializing. Also? We should stop demonizing rich people because there are “good” rich people and “bad” rich people, and you’ll never guess which one Gina Rinehart is. Read more on Forbes Explains Why You People Need More Horrible Rich Ladies Like Gina Rinehart…
  History Is Written by the Whiners

Fun With Christianists: Things You Can Learn in a Christian ‘World History & Cultures’ Textbook (Part 1)

You know the drill by now: Every Sunday, we visit Christianist America, where Jesus delivered the Constitution to George Washington but now Christians are somehow a persecuted minority. This week’s travelogue comes courtesy of World History and Cultures In Christian Perspective, 2nd Ed. (A Beka Book, 1997), a 10th-grade history text which the publisher’s website says “stands on the conviction that God is the Creator of the world and the Controller of history.” You get a good sense of World History’s agenda from the table of contents. “Asia and Africa” are dealt with in the first 6 chapters — “The Middle East” and “Egypt” each merit their own chapter, because Bible, duh. And then the entire history of these two continents, which account for 75% of the planet’s population, is polished off within 40 pages, in chapters imaginatively titled “Other Asian Cultures” and “Other African Cultures” (Actual section heading: The Dark Continent. This is not inside ironic quotes). Most chapters and sections have the bland, utilitarian headings of any high school text — but then there are the subtle reminders that this is a fundamentalist Christian textbook: Rome: Preparation of the World for Christ Unbelief and Revolution in 19th-Century Europe Concepts in History: Why Communism Kills Twentieth-Century Liberalism; Retreat from Authority and Responsibility Concepts in History: Environmental Extremism Read more on Fun With Christianists: Things You Can Learn in a Christian ‘World History & Cultures’ Textbook (Part 1)…
  hugging and learning!

The Wonkette Geopoliticker: Everyone Welcome Newest Sort Of Country ‘Azawad’!

You remember Mali, right? That landlocked country in Western Africa? Well the northern two-thirds of it have seceded and Your Wonkette would like to be among the first to officially recognize its sovereignty and open diplomatic relations, as so far, no nation or international body has done so. Welcome, Azawad. We think you’re great. We’d like to put you in our passport sometime. Azawad is here, everybody say hi! Read more on The Wonkette Geopoliticker: Everyone Welcome Newest Sort Of Country ‘Azawad’!…
  study abroad

Tim Pawlenty Running For President of Tunisia Now Or Something

Anonymous human entity “Tim Pawlenty” has not had very much luck getting a nation of 300 million people to recognize his existence and much less his stuttering, abortive campaign for American President, so he told reporters he will try his hand somewhere a little easier: “I wish I were still in the race, but now I’m going off to Tunisia instead.” WOAH, Tim Pawlenty, do you even speak, uh, African? Pawlenty heard there were some presidential elections going on in that corner of the world, so, eh, he’ll check that out, as an “election observer,” which actually sounds much like his role in the American Presidential campaign as well. At least the food might be better? Read more on Tim Pawlenty Running For President of Tunisia Now Or Something…
  karl marx ruined africa

Ron Paul: Africa’s Famines Will End When They Quit Being So Socialist

Ron Paul! He knows what’s wrong with Africa. All the famines, the people dying over there that you may have heard about in the news lately? It’s because Africa is socialist. The whole place! RON PAUL, on Africa: “All I know is if you look at history and if you compare good medical care and you compare famine, the countries that are more socialistic have more famines. If you look at Africa, they don’t have any free market systems and property rights and they have famines and no medical care.” Elect Ron Paul President of Africa! Read more on Ron Paul: Africa’s Famines Will End When They Quit Being So Socialist…
  flotus files

Obama Ladies Plan Mysterious African Adventure

Remember late last summer, when Michelle Obama thought it would be fun to take her daughters on a trip to Spain, and then America had a heart attack, because apparently a good First Lady would pretend to be poor as a courtesy to the rest of the country, which is actually poor? Well, great news! Our FLOTUS is about to embark upon her Summer Madness Tour once again, and this time, she’s skipping the Spanish mosques and heading to a continent that is still likely to offend Americans, somehow. Our FLOTUS is off to Africa! Read more on Obama Ladies Plan Mysterious African Adventure…
  yes

Has Barack Obama Infected the Entire Country With MONKEYPOX?

Monkeypox — named for the lab monkey who discovered it after being injected with horrible diseases by cruel humans — is probably going to kill you, tomorrow: There is no cure, and it makes your skin look like this. Smallpox or its vaccine immunizes people to monkeypox, but since smallpox was declared eradicated, the number of monkeypox cases has surged. In 2003, cases of monkeypox were found in the U.S. after the virus jumped from rats in Africa to American prairie dog owners. Read more on Has Barack Obama Infected the Entire Country With MONKEYPOX?…
  totally negates scott brown

Barbara Bush’s Genetic Makeup Fails To Make Her Hate Health Care for Poors

Barbara Bush the Younger was on Fox News Sunday on Fox News Sunday to talk about some new scheme to “bring health equity to the U.S. and Africa,” and shocked Chris Wallace by admitting that she was not against our Socialissimo forcing patriots to have something that pays to fix their hearts after the fried meat gets stuck in the tubes. Could she hate Reagan and the Troops more? Read more on Barbara Bush’s Genetic Makeup Fails To Make Her Hate Health Care for Poors…