CLINTON TOO OBSESSED WITH CHICKENS TO BOTHER RUNNING THE STATE DEPARTMENT: Hillary Clinton, former presidential contender and current secretary of state, can do whatever she wants to with her time and infinite powers. She could have found that lost cargo ship that the Russians had to go looking for instead, or maybe she could be curing the deadly Mexican pig AIDS, but no instead she spends her time talking with and about ladies. “She talked chickens with female farmers in Kenya,” reports the Washington Post. This is a disgrace to international diplomacy. [Washington Post]

Mean old Hillary Clinton went to Africa’s Democratic Republic of the Congo today to discuss god knows what, current giraffe prices? Because it’s Africa?? And while she was taking questions in Kinshasa, some curious “Congolese university student” had the gall to “ask her for her husband’s thinking on an international financial matter.” But instead of just laughing it off with a “Ha ha, you don’t respect women in your country, which is why you have a rape epidemic,” Hillary Clinton murdered the student! MORE »

Heroic provider of truths Orly Taitz went on television’s MSNBC channel this afternoon to discuss her latest proof that Obama is black. Heavens to Betsy! This is too classic. It must be performance art — Arianna Huffington applying a heavy spray-tan and a Marilyn Monroe wig, channeling her days as a Republican congressman’s wife. “LEE-sten to me! LEE-sten LEE-sten, Tahm-ron!” Ha ha! NOW THE IMPORTANT PART: Time for a photo contest! MORE »

Looks like New York Times columnist and globe-trotter Nicholas Kristof is feeling kind of shitty about being so rich and the Africans being so poor. It is a noble (banal) sentiment, but in our limited experience, the spiritual poverty of the wealthy may suck but at least you aren’t fucking hungry all the time, and you can go to the doctor and get some mood pills, and you’re probably not going to die before your twentieth birthday, of AIDS. [Twitter]

Welfare Queen and prominent asshole Gov. Mark Sanford of South Carolina, who continues to simultaneously call Barack Obama a sack of shit and ask Barack Obama to pay off his state debt, said today that Obama’s spending policies will lead to Zimbabwe-style hyperinflation, the only real-world situation in which the term “11 million percent” can be applied non-jokingly. Black South Carolina Rep. James Clyburn responded by calling Sanford a racist for comparing Obama to an African country, to which Sanford’s spokesman shot back “Rep. Clyburn always plays the race card,” and now… huh? [HuffPo]

“Hey, art department! What’s his name, famous guy, the black one, he won the president award! Vanity Fair is going to do this up right! Figure out where he’s from, or where his dad was from, just make that really big. And then get another famous black guy, from the same place, or Kentucky, doesn’t matter. Don’t forget to put Bono’s name somewhere, also really big. We need this in five minutes, ‘kay?” UPDATE: Wait, this is a cover from years ago? Why is it being emailed by VF flacks today, to illustrate a, uh, Dee Dee Myers’ article about Obama being famous? WTF. [Vanity Fair]

• SCREW YOU GUYS, I’M GOING TO THE JUNGLE: Rahm Emanuel is supposed to be cleared of any wrongdoing in the Obama team’s internal report on perceived collaborations with Gov. Blaggy, which will be released at 4:30 ET. But just in case, Rahm has peaced the fuck out to Africa. [HuffPo]

…And this unbelievable nugget comes from a Fox News reporter. That Sarah Palin thought Africa was a country, not a continent. God bless you, Carl Cameron, for promising an “avalanche” of Palin revelations that had been off-the-record until the election was over. She threw temper tantrums and was unmanageable. She didn’t prepare for her Couric interview. And did we mention that she thought Africa was a country, and not a continent? Wait until she hears about Australia: it’s both. [YouTube]

Looky The Economist has a nifty Interactive Feature that shows, conclusively, the only place in the world where people like John McCain is in sub-Saharan Africa! (Namibia is known, colloquially, as “the West Virginia of Africa.”) Iraq or Cuba would also take him, but we doubt he’d accept the offer. MORE »

John McCain and pals had a lot of fun criticizing Obama for never visiting Iraq. But then Obama announced he would be visiting Iraq after all, in another one of his terrible flip-flops. Well Walnuts, where should inexperienced adult-child Barack Obama go after that? Plane tickets are more expensive by the day, you know: “McCain, who has criticized Obama for not having been to Iraq since 2006, said it was now time for Obama to also go to South America.” After Obama capitulates and makes this trip too, we look forward to the inevitable McCain “wisecrack” that Barack Obama next should “go back to Africa.” [AP]

The public been duped again by America’s Prince, Barack Obama. You know how he likes to talk about how John F. Kennedy is secretly his father, because Kennedy bankrolled Barack Obama Sr.’s trip to the United States and personally introduced the young Kenyan economist to lovely Ann Dunham? All lies! MORE »