• JPMorgan Chase reported $3.6 billion profits for the third quarter. This is one of those folkloric “good economic news” stories! [New York Times]
• Now that Obama (& Olympia Snowe!) have defeated Chuck Grassley, Baucus, etc., he must now combat Big Health Insurance Lobby. [Washington Post]
• There’s a second gold rush, except it’s a rare minerals rush, happening right now in California’s Mojave Desert. Go west, young man. [Los Angeles Times]
• Hillary Clinton yelled at America and Russia for running around like this is still the Cold War. It’s not, apparently, was her point. [CNN]
• Exciting job opening! Lots of potential for growth: Rep. Robert Wexler of Florida has quit and taken a job at Center for Middle East Peace and Economic Cooperation.
• McChrystal is worried that all corruption in Afghanistan might basically cancel out the work that new troops could (will) be doing over there. [AP]

• In March, Obama will be sending 13,000 more mostly non-combat troops—in addition to the original plan of 21,000 combat troops—to Afghanistan. This is the stuff of surges, people! [Washington Post]
• Big changes afoot at your local mall, as Disney will be looking to revamp its store there, I Thought That Closed. [New York Times]
• Russia admitted that while yes, diplomacy is important, not having sanctions with Iran is perhaps even more important, and therefore more diplomatic? In a way? Like dialectically maybe? [AP]
• Do not miss the crucial deadline of this Thursday if you have yet to tell the government about your illicit off-shore banking goings-on! [Los Angeles Times]
• Switzerland is rethinking its whole neutrality schtick. You see, being so relied on is so boring. [WSJ]

• WELL, WELL: Barack Obama won the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize! For nuclear things! Anyway this is better than at least 3/5 of the summer Olympic events. [New York Times]
• The moon, well, most of it, managed to prolong its existence overnight despite NASA’s best efforts. [New York Times]
• 160-ish people were killed in mudslides in the Philippines. The last time things were this flood-y there was 40 years ago. [AP]
• A car bomb in Pakistan killed 42 people and injured 60 more. No one officially took credit but people are generally thinking “Taliban.” [Times Online]
• Olympia Snowe arguably still matters. This seems tenuous! Anyway, the LA Times has interviewed every known resident of Maine to prove it. [LA Times]
• Gen. McChrystal and the military people would like 40,000 troops sent to Afghanistan. [WSJ]

• This new tax credit thing for businesses that make up new jobs is not entirely despised by everyone in Congress. Even Eric Cantor is like, whatever! [New York Times]
• But speaking of “entirely despised by everyone in Congress”: Obama’s Afghanistan strategy. [Washington Post]
• NASA has discovered an enormous invisible (?) ring around Saturn that’s the size of 1 billion Earths. Next step will be for them to make the case for why we need to blow it up. [CNN]
• The Taliban in Afghanistan say they have no interest in killing Westerners. Swear to god you guys! [Reuters]
• The Supreme Court will now decide whether YouTube videos of animal cruelty count as free speech or whether they should be banned forever. [WSJ]
• And two more Americas (+ 1 Israeli) won the Nobel Prize in Chemistry, for something about ribosomes, which sounds suspiciously like that thing the Medicine people did. [LA Times]

Speaking of Nancy Pelosi and Afghanistan and sexism, here’s a completely brilliant clip of cool-as-ice Harry Reid, the “Late-Middle-Aged Arthur Fonzarelli of Reno,” executing the latest attempt in his decades-long quest to “break the touch barrier” with Nancy Pelosi, finally. (And after all these years!) MORE »

• Today Iran + the UN Security Council will LITERALLY meet in Switzerland the country in hopes of convincing Iran to agree to a weapons inspection. [New York Times]
• If Obama wants to send more troops to Afghanistan, he might have to ask the GOP for support. The GOP, of all people. [Washington Post]
• Over 500 Indonesians were killed in Wednesday’s Indonesia-based earthquake. [WSJ]
• And then a totally gratuitous second earthquake hit Samoa, which yesterday was basically razed by tsunamis. [CNN]
• Harry Reid & Friends really want the House and Senate to vote on health care during the week everyone is expected to skip out early for Columbus Day vacation. [AP]
• Hey happy 60th birthday People’s Republic of China! The traditional gift for 60 is turning the Empire State Building one’s favorite color. [AP]

Do you ever read a news headline and actually say, “Ha. Oh fuck,” aloud? WELL, “Lieberman Finally Used That Nazi/Afghanistan Analogy Everyone Could Tell Was Up His Sleeve” and its variations had that effect on your Wonkette Morning Editor! See, it makes negative zero sense to compare the situation to the Vietnam, Lieberman says, because America went into Vietnam out of its own volition. And America didn’t start the Afghanistan War—Christ no—9/11 started the Afghanistan War. In the same way that the Nazis started WWII! So, what, are we just supposed to let 9/11 and the Nazis win a world war?? MORE »

Hey did you guys know that Condi Rice is a dipshit still? It’s in the latest news information! “The last time we left Afghanistan, and we abandoned Pakistan … that territory became the very territory on which Al Qaeda trained and attacked us on September 11th. So our national security interests are very much tied up in not letting Afghanistan fail again and become a safe haven for terrorists … It’s that simple… if you want another terrorist attack in the U.S., abandon Afghanistan.” So… the Bush Administration wanted another terrorist attack in the U.S. between 2002 and 2008? This is the last time we ever trust that Karl Rove. [Crooks & Liars]

• Democrats and Republicans continue to compete over who can cater more to Big Senior re: possible Medicare cuts. [AP]
• Obama spent all day yesterday begging the U.N. to agree to a resolution that would get Iran and North Korea and others like them in such big trouble if they crossed their fingers behind their backs while signing the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty. [Wall Street Journal]
• You really have to give the Taliban credit for taking advantage of their semester abroad in Pakistan, huh! They are now heading into to Afghanistan stronger, savvier and fightier than ever. [New York Times]
• Ahmadinejad is apparently not yet bored of his old tricks, namely, calling Israel and the U.S. racist, accusing everyone he’s ever met of genocide, and throwing in some noncommittal “Iran is pretty great, actually!”s for good measure. [New York Times]
• India will be doing a bit of role-playing this week, as it does its part to pretend to care about doing something that will curb carbon emissions. Going clockwise, soo… China: you’re next. [Washington Post]
• American women, GETTING HYSTERICAL and whining about affording to feed and educate their children, might not be into having so many anymore! [Reuters]

• Matt Yglesias needs some hot German tracks that he can sing in the shower. We recommend: Kraftwerk, Sammy Deluxe, and uh, Trio. [Matt Yglesias]
• Before there was AdultFriendFinder.com, men of questionable character had to solicit sex over VHS. [The Daily Dish]
• Michele Bachmann reveals the secrets of the universe. [Think Progress]
• The 111th Congress class picture was ripe with the usual ass-grabs and suggestive hand gestures. [The Caucus]
• Who murdered the War in Afghanistan? Was it McChrystal, in the ballroom, with classified documents on a CD-RW? Or was it blabbermouth Admiral Mullen, in the harem, gossiping with a teenage hooker? Or was it a jealous White House staffer who framed McChrystal because McChrystal is so handsome and it’s just not fair? Or? [Weekly Standard]
• The Wise Latina thinks she can play baseball better than a white male. Composure, Lindsey Graham. Composure. [Swampland]

• Obama’s interference in governors’ races is upsetting to those who think that Obama’s desire to keep Democrats in power is soo partisan. [New York Times]
• Internet service providers are terribly angry with the FCC, which wants “net neutrality,” a concept of unimaginable injustice that would prohibit these Internet service companies from purposely slowing down connections and blocking access to their competitors’ content. [WSJ]
• Fewer troops in Afghanistan will be fighting in deserted actual desert areas and will concern themselves more with defending cities and humans. Except N.B. to the Taliban: this is not because America is weak! [Washington Post]
• Here are your MacArthur Genius Grant winners!  [Los Angeles Times]
• Bank of America just cold refuses to tell Congress all about its consensual hook-up with Merrill Lynch. The SEC is THISCLOSE to just subpoenaing the bank, the judicial equivalent of correctly guessing its Gmail password. [Reuters]
• Nancy Pelosi is going to send a health care bill to the floor by the end of the week. She’s like, “Fucking bet me.” [The Hill]