Tag Archives: afghanistan

  make love not war

Ben Carson Coulda Killed Bin Laden And Saddam Without Going To War, Just Like JFK Did

His brain is broken.
Ben Carson made a Dumb again! He was trying and failing, like so many other Republican candidates before him, to answer the question, “would you have invaded Iraq?” To his credit, he said it was a mistake! But he said he would have gotten rid of Saddam Hussein anyway. How? He would use WAYS: Read more on Ben Carson Coulda Killed Bin Laden And Saddam Without Going To War, Just Like JFK Did…
  is mercury still in retrograde?

Sarah Palin Delivers Mostly Coherent Speech At CPAC, WTF?

Secret shout-out to the Muslims in the crowd apparently
We do not know what happened to our beloved sister Sarah Palin, but obviously someone sedated the hell out of her and told her if she dares to go off script during her speech at CPAC this year and vomit incoherent nonsense all over the stage like she usually does, she will get the hose again, precious, and no more reality teevee deals. Read more on Sarah Palin Delivers Mostly Coherent Speech At CPAC, WTF?…
  Here have some news n stuff

Correction: Barack Obama Is Not In Fact The Antichrist

Manhater
Best newspaper correction ever or BEST EVER?Here’s the original letter. It’s quite something: Who and what is Barack Obama? Obama claims nobody can stop him or change anything he’s done. This evil must come to pass before the Lord’s return and the rise of the Antichrist, but you better know what evil you’re dealing with. Nobody is promised another minute of life upon this earth, and judgment comes at the time of your death. Read more on Correction: Barack Obama Is Not In Fact The Antichrist…
  peace in our time except for all the war

Obama To Ask Republicans’ Permission To Bomb Ay-rabs, They Will Surely Love Him Now

Perhaps you recall that for the last year or so, ever since those child-murdering dickbags who go by the name the Islamic State started making a nuisance of themselves in the Middle East — and we started bombing them, because America — various members of Congress have been demanding (demanding!) that the president ask them to grant him an Authorization for the Use of Military Force, basically a permission slip to do what he’s already doing anyway. Read more on Obama To Ask Republicans’ Permission To Bomb Ay-rabs, They Will Surely Love Him Now…
  Always Support The Troops Except When You Shouldn't

Bowe Bergdahl May Be Charged With Desertion, We Should Probably Kill Him Either Way

Get ready for the shitstorm, Part Two
Get ready for some exploding conservative heads: Bowe Bergdahl, the POW returned to America last year after a swap for Taliban prisoners, will be charged with desertion for walking off his base in Afghanistan in 2009, according to unnamed defense officials who spoke to NBC: Read more on Bowe Bergdahl May Be Charged With Desertion, We Should Probably Kill Him Either Way…
  Here have some news n stuff

War In Afghanistan Is Kind Of Over Now, Hooray Or Something!

Glad that's all behind us now
Remember that time we went to war in Afghanistan? Yeah, well, apparently that’s sort of over now, technically speaking. On Sunday, President Obama issued a statement declaring that We Won Woo Hoo! — or, more accurately, we’ve concluded our “combat mission.” We’ve come to understand this means we’ve won the war enough that we can share a collective celebratory high five, but we reserve the right to un-win the war, just in case it doesn’t stick. Because that’s how the U.S. of A rolls now. Read more on War In Afghanistan Is Kind Of Over Now, Hooray Or Something!…
  clipbait

John Oliver: Congratulations, You Get To Come To America. Or Not. (Video)

Welcome to America; here's your bureaucratic nightmare
Update/followup: See end of post for a chance to do some good, or at least try to. After a week off, John Oliver is back in crusading investigative comedy mode again, as Last Week Tonight brings us this story on the paperwork nightmare faced by Iraqis and Afghans who worked with U.S. forces as translators. As we wind down our wars, thousands of people who bravely came forward to help our military with accurate translations — because as Oliver points out, you really need to know whether that thing down the road is an IED or an IKEA — are being left behind. Despite a law passed by Congress to expedite their entry to the U.S., allowing for for 1500 special visas a year, in 2011, the State Department actually processed 3. That’s three, not a typo missing some zeroes. Read more on John Oliver: Congratulations, You Get To Come To America. Or Not. (Video)…
  Ebola Virus Anagrams To 'A Lib Over Us'

Jim Inhofe Maybe OK With Fighting Ebola Now, Maybe

I'm old, I don't need to make sense
Wingnuts who think it’s just crazy for Barack Hussein Obama to send U.S. troops to Africa to fight Ebola — don’t be silly, you can’t shoot a virus! — have themselves a new hero in Oklahoma Sen. James Inhofe. Until this morning, he had blocked funding for the mission because he is an amoral asshole he has serious concerns about stretching the defense budget too thin at a time when we need to be ready to do war in Syria and stuff. Read more on Jim Inhofe Maybe OK With Fighting Ebola Now, Maybe…
  Omission Accomplished

Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks That Kept Us Safe From Terrorism

He Kept Us Mostly Safe Kind Of
Well, fans of Christianist textbooks, just like in 1989, we’re just about at the end of history once again, or at least the end of our two rightwing Christian textbooks, almost. Last week, our 11/12th-grade textbook, United States History for Christian Schools (Bob Jones University Press, 2002), closed out* with a discussion of the 2000 election, so this week, we’ll rely solely on the the most fanciful textbook we’ve ever seen, A Beka’s 8th-grade America: Land I Love (2006), which advised us that George W. Bush’s “most important” qualification was that he “unashamedly identified himself as a born-again Christian” who “took a bold stand against moral evils such as abortion and gay rights.” And his presidency was almost as wonderful as Reagan’s, we learn, largely because Dubya rescued us from the horrors of the Clinton years. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks That Kept Us Safe From Terrorism…
  is failure to follow the narrative a crime?

How Is Bowe Bergdahl Failing To Be A Taliban Sympathizer Today?

Hey, America, remember how the entire rightwing media howler monkey brigade was telling us that not only did Bowe Bergdahl desert his post, he also willingly joined the Taliban and taught them how to build bombs after he was captured? And so we never should have bothered bringing him back to U.S. America? Oh, except now that he’s back on U.S. soil, Army investigators are satisfied that he actually didn’t engage in any misconduct during the five years he was held captive. This raises the obvious question: Why is the Army conducting an investigation that doesn’t take into account the exhaustive rumormongering done by rightwing bloggers? Read more on How Is Bowe Bergdahl Failing To Be A Taliban Sympathizer Today?…
  rashomon to judgment

Peacenik Hippie Bowe Bergdahl Just Wanted To Shoot Up All The Taliban All The Time. Will Fox Love Him Now?

Turns out that maybe the rightwing deathmonkey legions got it all wrong about Bowe Bergdahl being a touchy-feely hippie who just wanted to commune with the flowers and the little Afghan children (and also to be a death-to-America-shouting traitor). Not only was the guy a big fan of Ayn Rand who wanted to Go Galt, but now a fellow soldier from his unit says Bergdahl loved the smell of napalm in the morning and wished he could have gone out and done some serious warcrimes, but the Man, or the Army, or the Army Man, kept holding him back. Read more on Peacenik Hippie Bowe Bergdahl Just Wanted To Shoot Up All The Taliban All The Time. Will Fox Love Him Now?…
  my brain is hanging upside down

Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks That Defeat The Evil Empire

This week’s installment will be easy, since all it has to do is explain how Ronald Reagan ended the Cold War by scaring the Godless Rooshians with a laser gun. And lots of deficit spending on the military, but we don’t need to talk about that. But Reagan didn’t do it alone — he had help from the moral rot of communism itself, which left the USSR unable to keep up with Reagan’s youthful vitality and manly bonerism (OK, on that, we’re extrapolating from what’s implied in our Christian textbooks). Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks That Defeat The Evil Empire…
  a noun a verb alinsky

Ben Carson: Obamacare Is Worse Than 9/11 And Nickelback Combined

Fresh off his explanation of how Obamacare is the worst thing since slavery and also claiming that food stamps helped his mom get out of poverty but government assistance just makes other people lazy, Dr. Ben “I know as much about economics as Paul Krugman does about neurosurgery” Carson scored another rhetorical triumph in an interview with Evan Gahr in the Daily Beast: “You said Obamacare was the worst thing since slavery. Why do you think it was worse than 9/11?” I asked him. “Because 9/11 is an isolated incident,” he answered. It’s a fair comparison: where 9/11 caused hundreds of first responders and clean-up workers in one state to get screwed after Congress refused to pay for their healthcare, the Republicans now want to repeal healthcare for millions of people across the country. So yeah, much bigger. Read more on Ben Carson: Obamacare Is Worse Than 9/11 And Nickelback Combined…
  leave no soldier behind...unless obama hugs his dad

Allen West Pretty Sure Bowe Bergdahl’s Dad Made The White House A Mosque

OMG you guys! Disgraced former torturer Allen West, super-patriot and Muslim-Hunter extraordinaire, has been tipped off to some earth-shattering proof of Muslim perfidy and scary creeping — or galloping! — sharia law! After spending the weekend calling Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl a “deserter” and hinting that there’s something “nefarious” about his release from the Taliban, and about Bergdahl’s father, Bob Bergdahl (who apparently doesn’t hate Muslims enough at all), West has revealed a “bombshell”: Bob Bergdahl spoke Arabic at the White House! Not only that, but he pretty much made the White House a holy Muslim shrine by doing that, according to a very smart person who emailed Allen West. Read more on Allen West Pretty Sure Bowe Bergdahl’s Dad Made The White House A Mosque…
  bring the boys back home

GOP Suddenly Super-Opposed To Freeing American POWs For Some (Obama) Reason (Obama)

Over the weekend, you may have heard, the United States secured the release of its only POW from the ridiculously long war in Afghanistan. Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl, who had been held by the Taliban since he apparently wandered away from his base in June of 2009, was swapped for five senior Taliban commanders at Guantanamo Bay. The five men were transferred to Qatar, where they will be monitored by the Qatari government and placed under a one-year travel ban. Hooray, you might have thought to yourself, this kid who never should have been in Afghanistan in the first place gets to come home. Stupid liberal, don’t you know that Emir Hussein Obama of the Sultanate of Kenya has only made the world more dangerous for America now? Read more on GOP Suddenly Super-Opposed To Freeing American POWs For Some (Obama) Reason (Obama)…
  the old man loves my ass

Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks Where Mistakes Were Made

This week we’ll start wrapping up the Glorious Reagan Years, in which the Gipper personally defeated Communism almost everywhere by Standing Tall and being the manliest. And for a change, on the topic of Afghanistan at least, it’s our 11/12th-grade history textbook from Bob Jones University Press, United States History for Christian Schools (2002), that manages to tell bigger lies than our text for 8th graders, America: Land I Love (A Beka, 2006). Way to go Bob Jones U! We knew you could do it! Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks Where Mistakes Were Made…
  hot buttered guns

GOP Rep. So Mad At Takers, Obama For Military Cuts That Aren’t Actually Cuts

If Congress signs off on the Pentagon’s latest plans, the US Army will be smaller than it’s been since before your grandpa fought at the Battle of the Bulge, Iwo Jima, Pearl Harbor, D-Day, X-Men, and Cracker Barrel, yer Gramma got a coupon. This might look like a “cut” in the sense that something is being reduced, except it’s not; the Pentagon plans to spend $115 billion more over the next five years than the Budget Control Act of 2011, aka the sequester, would have permitted. Remember the sequester? The thing that such members of Congress as GOP Rep. Mike McCaul of Texas voted for? The sequester cut the defense budget by about 10%! It was “devastating,” we heard! So such members of Congress as GOP Rep. Mike McCaul are probably thrilled with the idea of giving $115 more billion dollars to our military, right? “It’s all being sacrificed … on the altar of entitlements. This president cannot take on mandatory spending, so all we’ve done in the Congress — and this president — is basically cut discretionary spending,” [Rep. McCaul] told Fox News. Yep, he’s thrilled all right! He has found another thing to point at and yell “Obama takers did a socialism!” while being a huge hypocrite at the very same time. Mike McCaul for Darrell Issa 2016! Read more on GOP Rep. So Mad At Takers, Obama For Military Cuts That Aren’t Actually Cuts…
  Don't get him started on Birth of a Nation

Armchair Warrior Glenn Beck Bravely Stands Up Against America’s Real Enemy, A Critic Who Didn’t Like A Movie

Yesterday scabrous poop demon Glenn Beck took a break from cruising the streets of Philadelphia asking women to jerk him off with Swiss cheese to attack the greatest threat to freedom and our American way of life since the Hessians occupied Trenton: film critics. Or rather one film critic, Amy Nicholson of the LA Weekly. Nicholson had the temerity to dislike Lone Survivor, the based-on-a-memoir movie about an ill-fated Navy SEAL mission in Afghanistan in 2005. Apparently not liking this film is akin to dissing The Troops, which is all the squeaky chew toy that Glenn Beck needed to issue a fatwa against Nicholson, giving his fans the green light to rain hellfire and brimstone down on her on Twitter. We hope the screeching band of armchair jockeys enjoyed working out all their playing-soldier fantasies with their charming death threats and cunt-calling. Before we slog further into this crap-filled sewer, full disclosure about Nicholson’s connection to Wonkette: she and yr Humble Author attended grad school at the same time, had one class together around 2006, and have mutual friends. Additionally, yr Editrix, being an L.A.-based journalist, participated in a Village Voice Media podcast with her last summer on the important (and anti-American) topic of Disney’s The Little Mermaid. Now that we have dispensed with the journalistic ethics, let us use this controversy to hurl some insults at the bipedal butter tub Glenn Beck. Read more on Armchair Warrior Glenn Beck Bravely Stands Up Against America’s Real Enemy, A Critic Who Didn’t Like A Movie…
  clipbait

Daily Show Calls For Revenge On West Virginia Water Terrorists; Stephen Colbert Advocates Endless War To End War

Good morning! Our first Clipbait of the week brings you The Daily Show applying the logic of the War on Terror to the West Virginia chemical spill, and Stephen Colbert’s simple plan to make sure Afghanistan won’t fall apart after American troops leave: never leave. Read more on Daily Show Calls For Revenge On West Virginia Water Terrorists; Stephen Colbert Advocates Endless War To End War…
  lies damn lies and fox news

SHOCKING: Bill O’Reilly Calls Liberals Commies, Then Lies About Debt, Obamacare, Color of Sky

Hallo, Comrades! Did you wake up this morning feeling extra-communisty? We sure did, but we weren’t quite sure why we had a deep urge to fling our rich clothes to the poor, a la St. Francis of Assisi. Of course, there’s a reason we didn’t know why: We’re pinheads!!1! And if our heads are the size of pins, who better to REDsplain to us why we are communists than someone with a ginormous noggin? Take it away, Bill O’Reilly: The answer is that Obamacare is just part of a vision for the forced sharing of American assets. Our third-grade self wants to share our ABC gum with Bill.  Read more on SHOCKING: Bill O’Reilly Calls Liberals Commies, Then Lies About Debt, Obamacare, Color of Sky…
  guerrillas in our midst

‘Home Grown’ Jihadis And Invisible Gorillas About Equally Dangerous To U.S. Americans

Blogging is largely a matter of finding the right stuff to write about. For instance, we see that the Washington Post has a new political science blog feature called “The Monkey Cage” – from the H.L. Mencken quote, “Democracy is the art of running the circus from the monkey cage.” And its first post is this really thoughtful, well-informed essay on why, even after the mall attack in Kenya, which may have included some al Shabaab recruits who came from America, we probably don’t need to be excessively freaked out about the threat that foreign-trained jihadis pose to Our Way Of Life. This is some serious, research-based policy analysis by Thomas Hegghammer, a “political scientist and historian at the Norwegian Defence Research Establishment,” and he really seems to know what he’s talking about. On the other hand, we also got a tip on this HuffPo story about a guy in Decatur, Tennessee Alabama,* who shot up his own living room with a shotgun to fend off an attack from imaginary gorillas. You can see how we’d be torn. But then we figured, hey, why not just Thomas Friedman this sucker and write about BOTH? Read more on ‘Home Grown’ Jihadis And Invisible Gorillas About Equally Dangerous To U.S. Americans…
  the war on the war on terror

A Children’s Treasury of NYT Commenters Who Love Eternal Detention

The New York Times posted an op-ed online Sunday night that’s jarring not only because of its content but because of its very existence: It’s a column from a prisoner at Guantánamo Bay that explains how degrading and painful it is to be force fed while trying to hold a hunger strike to protest his eternal imprisonment for not doing a bad thing, whatever the bad thing was, because he has never been charged with anything. When Alice Paul does it in Occoquan, we give her a halo and put her in a Hilary Swank movie. When scary Muslim strangers do it, we say, “Welp, his fault for looking like a terrorist.” And by “we” your Wonkette means the fart goblins who have taken to the New York Times comment section on the column to whine about how this man deserves to rot forever, for the crime of being sent to Guantanamo Bay. Read more on A Children’s Treasury of NYT Commenters Who Love Eternal Detention…