Tag Archives: affairs

  maybe he "fired on fort sumter" if you know what we mean

Lovelorn Hiking Enthusiast Mark Sanford Can’t Believe His Ex-Wife Thinks He’s A Crazy Alcoholic

We don’t believe in an actual hell here at Wonkette, because nothing the Dark Lord Satan, Ruler of the Underworld, could dream up for our eternal torment can top the trauma in our life aboveground when we occasionally fire up the Internet, scan the news, and get cock-slapped in the face with a new story about sad lust goblin Mark Sanford and the ever-ongoing saga of his marital woes. Read more on Lovelorn Hiking Enthusiast Mark Sanford Can’t Believe His Ex-Wife Thinks He’s A Crazy Alcoholic…
  Romania is for lovers

Colin Powell Did Sexty Emails To Some Hot Romanian Chick, Was Bad At It

Another day, another dumbass married guy talking shit on teh computerz — yes, our favorite Bush shower-paintings email hacker “Guccifer” is still arduously selling his hackings, and after supposedly getting into the emails of Bush, Clinton, and Obama officials, as well as Candace Bushnell and Carl Bernstein — what? — the latest release is in the form of one Colin Powell and “a friendship that electronically became very personal and then back to normal.” In this latest installment of Old-Dude-Sexxxy-Time, we learn the Anthrax General had a flirty back and forth with a lady named Corina Cretu — whom he met in Romania some 10 years ago, when she was 35! And she is now a Socialist Democratic Senator! And English is not really her ‘thing’ — but these crazy kids gave it a go anyway and now their semi-hot longings are all over the internets. Read more on Colin Powell Did Sexty Emails To Some Hot Romanian Chick, Was Bad At It…
  aww shucky ducky

Lady Who Sexed Herman Cain For 13 Years Types About That

Back in two thousand diggity ‘leven, there was this fella Herman Cain who nearly got himself a presidential nomination. He didn’t care for that! All he wanted was a radio show, a teevee show, some more book deals — the whole package. Thankfully a bunch of gals came forward and gave him an out by saying they either (a) had sex with him for a decade-plus and/or (b) were constantly sexually harassed by him in the workplace. Now the “sex with him for a decade-plus” lady has come forward to write about this in the San Francisco newspaper Salon.com. Read more on Lady Who Sexed Herman Cain For 13 Years Types About That…
  republican family values

Newt Gingrich Was Aspiring Polygamist in Nineties, Ex-Wife Says

The density of swollen piglet Newt Gingrich’s sleaziness is apparently such that there are still, ten years later, more awful details of his second divorce that America had not yet learned: ex-wife Marianne Gingrich told ABC News that before Newt left her, he asked her to just be cool about the whole affair thing and try sharing him with other women. This sounds like the sort of argument that Newt concluded with a whimpering, “but that’s how Thomas Jefferson’s marriage worked, in history!” And now, today, no one in America is laughing harder than Marianne Gingrich, because this sordid little revelation has won the news cycle timing jackpot and immediately reduced Newt’s endorsement from Rick Perry to sullen ashes. Read more on Newt Gingrich Was Aspiring Polygamist in Nineties, Ex-Wife Says…
  amoral jewelry-debt piglets

Newt Gingrich Promises To Stop Cheating On His Wives & Stop Getting Divorces All the Time

Serial-divorcing creep Newt Gingrich just can’t stop taking advantage of the women who work for him — it’s the only way a toad like Newt can get any tail! — but this is apparently a problem with the conservative Family Values crowd. What to do? Well, this time, during his third marriage and after two divorces he instigated while carrying on affairs, old fatso the clown has sworn on a stack of bibles (literally, we’re sure) that he will stop fucking all these staffer women, and that he will stay married to that latest staffer woman he was schtupping while married to somebody else. Well these sound like excellent scruples, don’t they? Read more on Newt Gingrich Promises To Stop Cheating On His Wives & Stop Getting Divorces All the Time…
  so that's how twitter makes money

Herman Cain Hilariously Spending $$$ Trying To Distract Twitter Users

Hilarious has-been dumblebore Herman Cain will have to drop out of the “anybody but Romney” GOP primary because he has a very busy penis. But in the meantime, what better way to piss away all of his campaign donations than by purchasing a “promoted Tweet” that will sit proudly atop 10,000 Herman Cain sexytime jokes? [Twitter] Read more on Herman Cain Hilariously Spending $$$ Trying To Distract Twitter Users…
  godfather of love

Herman Cain About To Quit Because of Practicing His Love Too Much

Briefly popular ignoramus Herman Cain was already sinking in the GOP primary polls like every other random dingbat the party has puked up for consideration during this long, long 2012 campaign season. But the latest scandal, that he carried on a 13-year-long affair with a lady who was not his wife, seems to be enough to finish him off. In the “next several days,” Cain will decide whether he wants to go back to being a simple millionaire riding around in limos with all his ladies, promoting his books. Read more on Herman Cain About To Quit Because of Practicing His Love Too Much…
  republican family values

Lady Claims Whirlwind 13-Year Romance Affair With Herman Cain

A pretty lady claims she had a 13-year-long sexytime affair with Herman Cain, the chain restaurant executive who is apparently still running for president. Coincidentally, the lady claims Herman quit wanting to get sexytime with her just eight months ago, just before he launched his presidential campaign in May. Cain denies the sexytime, but says he knows the lady and was “just trying to help her financially,” which is a very kind thing to do! Who would not appreciate some financial help from a wealthy businessman like Herman Cain? And who among us would turn down maybe 13 years of getting busy with Herman Cain, for romantic reasons? Read more on Lady Claims Whirlwind 13-Year Romance Affair With Herman Cain…
  this explains the $500K 0% credit line

Bribery at Tiffany’s: Newt’s Latest Wife Did Tiffany’s Bidding

We thought Giant Whining Baby/Serial Divorcer Newt Gingrich had his half-million-dollar Tiffany’s credit line just because he always needs new engagement rings when he divorces his old, cancer-ridden wives for new, younger ladies he’s been schtupping for several years. But no, it’s actually sleazier than all that, because this is Newt Gingrich we’re talking about. Why did he get a very special $500,000 charge account from the jeweler with a truly spectacular 0% interest rate? Financial journalists are on the case, and they found out Newt’s current wife Callista used to be a “a high level staffer for the House Agriculture Committee, which oversees mining policy,” while a former Newt top staffer is now a top lobbyist for Tiffany’s. Because Tiffany’s mines silver on U.S. public lands, and Newt got Tiffany’s a very sweet deal to exploit America’s natural resources from America’s public lands, so that Tiffany executives and stockholders can make tens of millions of dollars every quarter by selling silver from public lands to rich douchesacks and ladder-climbing sociopaths. Read more on Bribery at Tiffany’s: Newt’s Latest Wife Did Tiffany’s Bidding…
  republicans in the news

John Ensign Proposed To His Mistress At the National Prayer Breakfast

Does anybody care about this John Ensign affair/bribe thing anymore? Probably nobody cares about this John Ensign affair/bribe thing anymore, but the details of this thing are just ridiculous. Here’s a thing John Ensign did: He took his mistress, the wife of his friend and mother of his children’s friends, to the National Prayer Breakfast to propose marriage to her. How romantic! God strolled into the National Prayer Breakfast, saw Ensign on one knee, said “Oh fuck this shit” to himself, and walked right back out. There are enough things in the Senate Ethics Committee report to embarrass Ensign’s children and those of his mistress’ for many lifetimes, but they already know that, because Ensign was pretty much doing it right in front of them, and then all the adults in the situation destroyed their own lives. This all sounds really hott! Read more on John Ensign Proposed To His Mistress At the National Prayer Breakfast…
  what's this one's stupid name?

Todd Palin ‘Love Child’ Rumor Completes Todd Palin Affair Scorecard

To go along with the rumors that Todd Palin has had affairs and sexed prostitutes, the National Enquirer is now reporting that Todd Palin has one of those “love children” with a woman who is not Sarah Palin. This is said to “RUIN HER CHANCE FOR WHITE HOUSE,” which would be the most shocking revelation of all in this article, of course, because it would mean Sarah Palin once had a shot at the presidency. (Or this is just sly wording, and refers to the paint color on her Alaska hill-country lair.) So has Todd seen this supposed child of his? Does he love it, or is it impossible to love a baby that doesn’t have Down syndrome? Read more on Todd Palin ‘Love Child’ Rumor Completes Todd Palin Affair Scorecard…
  sex consulting with newt

Newt Gingrich: My Affair Clarified Why I Needed To Impeach Clinton

When Newt Gingrich was getting non-wife blowjobs during Bill Clinton’s blowjob hearings, he did so because his lust for the United States of America needed an outlet. But America should really have been thanking Newt Gingrich for having that affair. All the court proceedings he’s had to go to for his divorces over the years taught Newt what it meant to lie under oath at one of those things, so he knew it (an opportunity to embarrass and score points against Clinton) when he saw it. And all this adultery expertise didn’t cost the taxpayers any extra! Read more on Newt Gingrich: My Affair Clarified Why I Needed To Impeach Clinton…
  of course

Newt Gingrich Committed Adultery Because America Made Him Horny

Presidential candidate/kitsch 1990s artifact Newt Gingrich knows he’s going to have to explain why he had so many affairs when he was trying to remove President Clinton from office for getting a blowjob, and here’s how he explained it to CBN in what appears to be some kind of tractor shed for storing murder victims: “There’s no question that at times in my life, partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked far too hard, and that things happened in my life that were not appropriate.” Ah, there you go! Newt was so horny for America he would have sex with anything, and probably even made his mistresses dress up in a map of the United States in the sack so he could act out his fantasy. Newt Gingrich will stop committing adultery as soon as this country stops looking so gosh-darn beautiful! It’s not his fault! Read more on Newt Gingrich Committed Adultery Because America Made Him Horny…
  trapped

Oh, Chris Lee Was Also Messing Around In the Craigslist Transsexual Section

When Republican Congressman Chris Lee resigned a few weeks ago mere hours after Gawker published what appeared to be e-mails and a photo he sent to a lady on Craigslist about wanting to have an affair, it surprised people. People such as us. If a married diaperman such as David Vitter can survive and even be re-elected to the U.S. Senate after having weird relations with prostitutes, why should Chris Lee resign if all he did was ask a regular, not-prostitute lady on the Internet if she wanted to have an affair? Because he also asked the same thing in the “m4t” section. Yes, some odd e-mails forwarded to Gawker, Chris Lee may have also been offering himself to transexual women. Read more on Oh, Chris Lee Was Also Messing Around In the Craigslist Transsexual Section…
  gladstoned

John Boehner Really Tried To Get Chris Lee and Others Not To Have Affairs

Wow, that Chris Lee sure resigned fast, eh? For perspective, Larry Craig was arrested for trying to have sex with a man in a public bathroom and finished out his term. Which was months, not hours. The thing is, Republicans just will not stand for their members of Congress having affairs that aren’t illegal in some way. Sure, if that woman posting on Craigslist was a horse, things would have gone much more smoothly for him. But he likes adult women. It’s a personal problem. “Lee, sources said, was one of several junior GOP lawmakers that Boehner allegedly warned to ‘knock it off’ with regard to his partying with female lobbyists last year.” Is John Boehner really trying to enforce the Republican Party’s moral values on its leaders? Or does he want all the female lobbyists for himself? Read more on John Boehner Really Tried To Get Chris Lee and Others Not To Have Affairs…
  boehner bonings

NATIONAL ENQUIRER SHOCKER: Enquirer Thinks Boehner Is ‘Handsome’

Someone is still trying to create a John Boehner affair rumor. This began in September, you will remember, when the New York Post cited some DailyKos person saying such a rumor existed as evidence that such a rumor existed. The Post said the Times was working on an “expose” of this affair, and was “looking for the right time to drop the story in October to sway the election.” Apparently they never discovered this elusive “right time,” because such a story was never printed, and now the Post has, as we predicted, completely shut down forever out of sheer embarrassment that they printed something that was incorrect. Which brings us to the National Enquirer, which now says Boehner has had two affairs. But here’s the big shocker: It refers to Boehner as “the ruggedly handsome congressman.” Gross. Read more on NATIONAL ENQUIRER SHOCKER: Enquirer Thinks Boehner Is ‘Handsome’…