Wonkette

“One more hit, baby. Just one more toke on the ole oil pipe. … Give me one more pop from that drill, please, baby. Just one more transfusion of that sweet offshore crude.” PUT THAT AWAY. [New York Times]

Remember the last young handsome half-Kenyan President we had before Barack Obama? Yes, Jack Kennedy! You’ll recall he assembled a band of Cuban nationals to re-invade Guam, and then he tore Nikita Khrushchev a new one while having sex with Marilyn Monroe and Angie Dickinson simultaneously. None of it would have been possible without drugs, and the excuse for the drugs was diarrhea. MORE »

Betty Ford celebrates her 90th birthday today, and Wonkette offers up a hearty, nonalcoholic toast in her honor. For the 896 wonderful days of Gerald Ford’s presidency, this sassy dancing divorcee brought outspoken feminism and frank talk to the White House. And the pills, dear God, the pills and booze! MORE »

Aww, George W. Bush is being a… wuzzitcalled… compassionate conservative? Was that the term that he once used to describe himself, before like the wars and the lying and stuff? ABC News’ Martha Raddatz spent a whole day with the president yesterday, and she got him to be all honest-like about that old alcohol addiction of his — another relic of makefunnery circa 1999-2000. Again, before all the wars and the lying and stuff. [ABC News]

Our dear President finally noticed this year that he has the power to veto stuff, and his favorite thing to veto these days is the increase in funding for the Children’s Health Insurance Program (SCHIP). One of the reasons he likes vetoing that bill in particular is that the Democrats want to fund it with a tobacco tax increase. If there’s one thing he really hates, it’s tax increase because, as he put it, “Raising taxes is habit-forming — once you start in one area, it’s hard to stop in others.” Sir? Please leave the puns to the professionals and stick to mangling words, mmkay? [CQ Politics]

From yet another piece on CrackBerry addiction (new angle: it makes you a bad parent!) comes this bit of famous family fun: MORE »

We just wanted to call a little more attention to this brief portion of today’s “Heard on the Hill:” MORE »

• Heard on the Hill: Patrick Kennedy’s court-ordered treatment includes mandatory weekly urine tests and AA meetings. He’s also considering writing a book about addiction with his sponsor, Representative Jim Ramstad. [Roll Call]
• Under the Dome: The U.S. Capitol Historical Society is going to honor Duke Cunningham, Tom DeLay, others for “hard work, service, time and the sacrifices made in upholding the office with which they were entrusted.” [The Hill]
• Reliable Source: Fat Joe spoke yesterday to the Campus Progress National Student Conference, called women “bitches and hos.” Also, “intelligent, beautiful.” … Al Gore got an Entertainment Weekly cover. [WP]
• Lowdown: Nancy Reagan, like the nation, is still sad that Ronald’s dead. [NYDN]
• Page Six: “Fashion mogul Perry Wolfman” is hosting a fundraiser at his Fire Island mansion for gay marriage opponents Chuck Schumer and Barbara Boxer. [NYP]

President George W. Bush, April 5, 2006: MORE »

Dead horse, we know, but even after a couple weeks, this is still hysterical.

“Headed to the capitol to make a vote.” Still in the top-ten excuses list, easy. Patrick Kennedy, recovering drug addict and binge drinking congressman, we salute you. MORE »

Patrick Kennedy spoke yesterday before a group of mental health specialists at Brown University (and the assembled press). Now he’s heading back to Congress, where he’ll join the rest of the burnouts to bicker about homos and wetbacks. We’re not sure why people keep saying he’s unfit to be a Congressman, he’s like the platonic ideal of a member of the House. Dumb as a brick, a few too many generations removed from greatness, able to skirt any kind of serious trouble with connections and occasional mea cuplas, and locked into his seat for life. MORE »