When the Republicans lose virtually every election they run in this November, they will take about two minutes to do some “somber soul-searching” before they elect a whole new generation of corrupt swine to replace the shameful failed old guard. But wait for the shocking twist: the new Republican leadership will have a least a few members who aren’t ancient or gay. Meet your new Republican overlords, after the jump! MORE »

* Barbara Mikulski and Patrick Leahy tell Alberto Gonzales not to speak until spoken too. [WP, NYT]
* Josh Bolten is just as conservative, but way smarter than any Texan. [WP]
* Put your guns in the ground Mitt Romney, you can’t use them anymore. [WP, NYT]
* Oh, that Adam Putnam, such a wily young ginger. [WP]
* The Nantucket and Cape Cod summer crowds steal Agriculture Department money meant for people in legitimately poor, rural areas. [WP]
* Bitter about your student loans? You should be. [NYT]
* David Brody isn’t blogging for Pat Robertson, he’s blogging for Jesus. [LAT]

* Gee, those Republicans still really love that Iraq War. [NYT]
* But hate that Attorney General. [NYT, LAT]
* Fired US Attorneys go on the Sunday shows and blast the White House, proving once again that jobless people with the least to lose, make the best teevee. [WP, WP]
* 2008 campaign may soon be even more diverse if midget Jew Michael Bloomberg plays the big blind. [WP]
* Adam H. Putnam’s life is like a compilation of all the wet-dreams Alex P. Keaton ever had. [NYT]
* Are there political improprieties going on at GSA? Is the Pope Catholic? [WP]
* Democratic Congress considers robbing the old to insure the young. [LAT]
* President Bush acknowledges the existence of income inequality, but won’t do anything about it until you get off your lazy ass and get to work. [WSJ]

* Heard on the Hill: Rep. Linda Sánchez judged a “best package” contest at Cobalt last week… Sex-starved middle-aged Washington women swooned over Richard Gere at the Old Ebbitt Grill… HoH columnist Mary Ann Akers is moving to Washingtonpost.com. [Roll Call]
* Reliable Source: Reliable Source readers vote Cynthia McKinney’s Cap Police beatdown the best Washington Gossip of ‘06. [WP]
* Yeas and Nays: Congressional offices all pretending they’re not betting like fiends on today’s Florida/OSU game, though Deborah Pryce and Adam Putnam have some sort of “betting for little kids” candy-vs.-pie thing going on… 300 old people protested AEI… Nancy Pelosi washes own hair at Salon! [Examiner]
* Washington Whispers: Former Post-ites turned Politico anchors John Harris and Jim VandHei smoke lots and lots of weed while discussing future of journalism… Arnold Schwarzenegger is eying Barbara Boxer’s seat, if you know what we mean. [USN&WR]

* Reliable Source: Amy Holmes was on The View and didn’t even get in any fights with the shouty liberals… More Bush Twins fun in South America. [WP]
* Yeas and Nays: The Onion runs one of their trademark fake columns, bylined with the name of real-life Rep. Dennis Moore. Moore, sadly, is a good sport about it… Rep. Adam Putnam (age calls Rep. Eric Cantor “a great wingman.” Cure the Post Style section … Buy the campaign crap of losers on eBay. [Examiner]

* Heard on the Hill: Lieberman’s new flack: hack-of-all-trades Marhsall “Bullshit Moose” Whittmann. Only problem: he’s a Republican and Senator WALNUTS McCain’s strongest supporter. And he’s one helluva media whore… The Starbucks on New Jersey and E has this “customer testimonial” from “Timothy H., congressional page:” “When I bought a case of Starbucks coffee, the text messages stopped coming” … Former Tom Daschle flack starts Pro-Obama website, emails everyone on Hill about it… Katherine Harris news: “She’s sitting at home plotting her future and secretly hoping (praying?) that Vern’s election is overturned so that she can run again in ‘08,” former Harris staffer says. Please, Jesus. [Roll Call]
* Reliable Source: The Youth of Today! Or, like a couple years ago: Gen X’ers in positions of mostly-ceremonial power! Rep. Adam Putnam, Aged 8! Some Rep.-elect named “Kirsten!” [WP]
* Yeas and Nays: Esther Coopersmith holds a Thanksgiving Party for diplomats. Some of us just went to Galaxy Hut and sang karaoke, but that sounds cool too… A fond look back at the US before Iraq: Get Rich Or Die Tryin’ topped the charts, America thrilled to Eugene Levy’s embarrassing white-guy-rapping gimmick in Bringing Down the House. Truly a more innocent time… Senator whose state loves her the most: Olympia Snowe… Bob Novak went to the Panthers game with a young lady, didn’t have a very good time. [Examiner]
* Page Six: NY AG-elect Andrew Cuomo hired Clinton FBI head/Whitewater obsessive Louis Freeh. [NYP]

Add another culprit to the GOP’s pile of the guilty. Along with fiscal conservatives, evangelical Christians, military people, libertarians and independents, the November 7 bloodbath is also the fault of “white rednecks.” MORE »

Dead horse, we know, but even after a couple weeks, this is still hysterical.

“Headed to the capitol to make a vote.” Still in the top-ten excuses list, easy. Patrick Kennedy, recovering drug addict and binge drinking congressman, we salute you. MORE »

• Heard on the Hill: A freelance photographer has been sneaking into the Senate Photo Studio. . . Rep. Adam Putnam (R-Fla.) catches a 360-pound shark. . . Chuck Norris meets his biggest fan, the Senate elevator operator. [Roll Call]
• Under the Dome: Glenn Close visits the Hill to save wild animals. . . Sen. Chuck Hagel (R-Neb.) is reaching out to the Polish-American vote. [The Hill]
• Rush & Molloy: National Enquirer uncovers photos of Rep. Patrick Kennedy dressed up as Michael Jackson. . . Rupert Murdoch on raising funds for Hillary: “It’s not a million-dollar raising. It’s got nothing to do with anything other than her Senate re-election.” [NYDN]
• Inside the Beltway: C-SPAN will add the major cities in congressional districts to their lower-third graphics. [WT]
• Lloyd Grove’s Lowdown: Laurie Dhue wins a free trip to Jordan at a party for Queen Rania. . . Ralph Nader gets a form letter response from Bill Clinton. [NYDN]
• Cindy Adams: What about a Gore-Clinton ticket? [NYP]