There is a special rule in politics: only Republicans can be actors (Reagan, Schwarzenegger, Thompson). Republican actors are “serious,” whereas the Democrats are just a bunch of hippie slobs who want to make North Korea our 51st state. That is why Val Kilmer cannot run for governor of New Mexico. MORE »

Those of you that watch the television drama House noticed last night that famous actor Kal Penn’s character committed suicide. Oh yes, uh, SPOILER ALERT, a few words ago. Well guess what, he’s not dead in real life, yet! In fact the reason he committed suicide on the teevee is so he could go work in the Obama White House, as the character in the above clip. Get scared, Real America! WHEEE… MORE »

Oh who is that handsome young skinny man taking cell-phone pictures of Washington’s beloved cherry blossoms? It is Adrian Brody, the famous actor, that’s who! Thanks to Wonkette Operative “TEEBS” for the picture.

Shut up shut up shut up shhut shut shut up shup shut ut shup shut up. SHHH. What the hell. Jason Bateman why are you talking about your poop. Here’s our “Obama pledge,” you queers, and that’s simply to let people die when they get death diseases rather than watch the U.S. go bankrupt over a health care problem, which seems to be your ultimate goal. This pledge requires much less effort than Demi Moore’s pledge, which is “to free one million slaves in the next five years.” Like, WHAT? Does she even have a plan for that? C’mon. C’MON. Bwah bwah bwah. [via Andrew Sullivan]

Boys and girls, it’s a Thanksgiving miracle — six days early! Our beloved Fred Thompson, the languid, pedicured Southern dandy who made a very sleepy run at the Presidency for about two weeks before returning to his cognacs and backgammon games and expensive Italian colognes, has surfaced again! Even better, he has surfaced to announce his retirement from awful dull vulgar politics. MORE »

Not that Al Franken is any great shakes, but you’d think that if the NRSC wanted to put out a “Hollywood Stars against Franken”-themed ad then they could’ve drummed up a better coterie than a forgotten SNL cast member from 20 years ago, a lesser Baldwin, two other guys we’ve never heard of in our lives, and finally the big showstopper: a cheesy singer famous for stealing rock & roll songs from black people in the ’50s so that they could be repackaged into powdery, “family-friendly” background noise. The NRSC also decided to have this very old Pat Boone appear without a shirt, because he is fishing in his swimming pool. If only we had Lawrence Welk around to do the old flapping dickey, then we’d have a show! [YouTube]

Here is Joe Biden, author of the Violence Against Ladies Act, trying to drown actress Julia Louis-Dreyfuss because, oh, he thinks it’s funny. He thinks it’s a real hoot. HE THINKS DROWNING HOLLYWOOD GALS, NICE HOLLYWOOD GALS, IS A ONE BIG FAT JOKE. It gets worse: apparently this televised attempted murder is for BREAST CANCER RESEARCH. Pervert. Like that even exists. This is just an insult to vaginas everywhere. [YouTube]

The batshit crazy Washington Times published a hilarious column from creepy actor Jon Voight yesterday, and we missed it, because who reads the fucking Moonie Times, right? Fortunately a tipster has sent us the article and good freaking lord: “The Democratic Party, in its quest for power, has managed a propaganda campaign with subliminal messages, creating a God-like figure in a man who falls short in every way. It seems to me that if Mr. Obama wins the presidential election, then Messrs. Farrakhan, Wright, Ayers and Pfleger will gain power for their need to demoralize this country and help create a socialist America.” Many trees were killed so that they could be soaked in this ink. MORE »

Back in 1987, nobody could have guessed that a bunch of meatheads in a movie about an invisible alien with laser-beam eyes would someday be great American leaders. But then the wonderful state of Minnesota elected Jesse Ventura its governor, and California followed suit with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Now, if Kentuckians play their cards right, they will replace their womanly senator Mitch McConnell with Sonny Landham, who played some dude called “Billy” in Predator. This Landham guy is a real trip! Come along with us on Sonny’s magical journey from porn stardom to the Libertarian party via five wives and a stretch in federal prison. MORE »

Hey look, that mumbly blonde from the Woody Allen movies was only engaged to Barack Obama for a few months before throwing him over for, uh, that guy from The Notebook. No wait that is Ryan Gosling. Anyhow, we hope this latest engagement may reach a merciful, swift conclusion so that Ms. Johansson can get back to the very important work of fucking Benicio Del Toro in elevators. [People]

Grampa Freddy Thompson, the former terrible presidential candidate, has seen his masterful get-rich-quick scheme come full circle — be a small character actor, run for president of the United States for a few months, return as lead A-list Movie Star. He has signed a deal with the William Morris talent agency and, with his new name recognition, will probably be starring in many of this summer’s magnificent blockbusters. Wait, who? [Reuters]