Wonkette

Back in 1987, nobody could have guessed that a bunch of meatheads in a movie about an invisible alien with laser-beam eyes would someday be great American leaders. But then the wonderful state of Minnesota elected Jesse Ventura its governor, and California followed suit with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Now, if Kentuckians play their cards right, they will replace their womanly senator Mitch McConnell with Sonny Landham, who played some dude called “Billy” in Predator. This Landham guy is a real trip! Come along with us on Sonny’s magical journey from porn stardom to the Libertarian party via five wives and a stretch in federal prison. MORE »

Hey look, that mumbly blonde from the Woody Allen movies was only engaged to Barack Obama for a few months before throwing him over for, uh, that guy from The Notebook. No wait that is Ryan Gosling. Anyhow, we hope this latest engagement may reach a merciful, swift conclusion so that Ms. Johansson can get back to the very important work of fucking Benicio Del Toro in elevators. [People]

Grampa Freddy Thompson, the former terrible presidential candidate, has seen his masterful get-rich-quick scheme come full circle — be a small character actor, run for president of the United States for a few months, return as lead A-list Movie Star. He has signed a deal with the William Morris talent agency and, with his new name recognition, will probably be starring in many of this summer’s magnificent blockbusters. Wait, who? [Reuters]

After a long hiatus in which millions of Americans mourned the loss of their most beloved comedy television show, Saturday Night Live will return to the airwaves this weekend. Pundits, pollsters, and voters alike are all wondering which actron will be given the honor of portraying Handsome Barry Obama. Conventional wisdom and an insider favorite, after the jump! MORE »

Remember when Hollywood Fred Thompson was the next Ronald Reagan? Well, he wasn’t. And he reportedly dropped out of Thursday night’s Fox News/GOP debate. And yet, he hasn’t actually quit. Is he waiting for the writer’s strike to end so he can give a “I’m a loser” speech? [Washington Post]

Americans everywhere are so thrilled to hear that Tom Cruise doesn’t hold political ambitions that they’re willing to overlook his absurd claim that he’s “an artist first and foremost.”

Hey everybody, a political campaign maybe was involved in putting up a website saying bad stuff about another candidate. Can you believe this? It seems that some guy put up this site PhoneyFred.org, and then it turns out the guy is the business partner of a Mitt Romney campaign official, but no way did Mitt’s campaign have anything to do with it, but even so Mitt’s campaign managed to completely disappear the entire site from the Internets. All that remains in the Google cache is one text-only page, and that will surely vanish too, so we have bravely saved the text and are posting it here for posterity. Never Forget!

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One difference between St. Ronald Reagan and Hollywood Fred Thompson is that Thompson can actually act like a scary demagogic race-baiter southern politician, as you can see in this clip from the comedy classic “Fletch.” If there was, say, a libtard version of Fox News, this clip would be running pretty much nonstop. MORE »

Florida guv Charlie Crist has a new friend — and she’s a lady! MORE »

Hey everybody, an actor is going to be president again! Country Bear Jamboree star Fred Thompson hasn’t declared, but his “political consultant” young wife has decided he’s just the man to get GOP nomination. MORE »