Tag Archives: acorn

  Accurate reporting is a liberal conspiracy!

Mean Federal Judge Won’t Let James O’Keefe Sue For Libel Just Because He Wasn’t Libeled, Unfair!

Behind that mask is a very sad face.
Rightwing dildo-lube-boat-enthusiast James O’Keefe is being oppressed again by activist judges and the mean liberal media. An obviously terrible judge has struck down his libel case arising from his infamous (failed) attempt to pretend to be a phone company worker for the purposes of sneaking into then-Louisiana Senator Mary Landrieu’s office so O’Keefe could, we don’t know … bug it? Mess with her phone lines? Kidnap the senator and take her on a dildo lube boat ride to hell? You never know with “journalists” like O’Keefe! Whatever it was, O’Keefe and his rarely sexed pals were charged with tampering with phone lines, and they pleaded out on a lesser misdemeanor charge of simply trying to get into a federal facility using the age-old tactic of lying. Read more on Mean Federal Judge Won’t Let James O’Keefe Sue For Libel Just Because He Wasn’t Libeled, Unfair!…
  Follow The...Zzzzzzzz

Oh No, Zombie ACORN Coming For America, Again (No It Isn’t)

Be afraid! No, *more* afraid!
Now that Republicans control Congress, they’re ready to roll up their sleeves and get to work and try to make up a scandal about the Obama administration trying to give bejillions of dollars to undeserving minorities. We’re not sure this one is going to get any traction with the Fox News crowd, since the details are actually a bit too esoteric to fit on a bumper sticker, but that may not matter. Since it involves mortgages, big banks, the Department of Justice, and nonprofit community groups, maybe all they’ll need to do is yell “ACORN!” and “La Raza” a whole lot. Read more on Oh No, Zombie ACORN Coming For America, Again (No It Isn’t)…
 

Five Other Already-Illegal Things Congress Should Vote to Make Illegal

The United States House of Representatives, man, what a place. When they’re not quoting the Bible to piss on climate change or trying to gut Social Security or voting for the 407th time to REPEAL OBAMACARE or fellating their corporate benefactors or holding their collective breath until the usurper resigns in disgrace or gets tried for treason, whichever, they’re voting to make already-illegal taxpayer-funded abortions even more super-duper illegal, because they really, really want all you ambulating vaginas out there to get to babymakin’, for God and country. Read more on Five Other Already-Illegal Things Congress Should Vote to Make Illegal…
  Get Up So I Can Kill You Again

ACORN Still Dead, Republicans Still Trying To Kill It Some More In New Budget Bill

Someday the Killing of ACORN will become an actual religious ritual
So we have a Keep-the-Government-Running agreement on the way, hooray, and among all the fun stuff like keeping the lights on, paying to fight Ebola, and cutting the IRS budget just for the sheer dickishness of it, there’s a clause that makes sure no funds ever go to ACORN or any of its successors. Now, mere mortals might scoff at such a thing, since as we all know, ACORN is as dead as James O’Keefe’s cerebral cortex, but we also know that if there’s anything Republicans love, it’s a chance to stick a symbolic knife through the metaphorical ribs of a notional enemy. And so the inevitable line in the budget bill (no, you can’t make us say “cromnibus” … oh, poop): Read more on ACORN Still Dead, Republicans Still Trying To Kill It Some More In New Budget Bill…
  we don't think veritas means what he thinks it means

Special Prosecutors Dismiss Case Against Liberal Group, Explain James O’Keefe Is A Liar

There’s rarely a chance for us to say this, so please savor the moment: We have good news out of Texas, where prosecutors dismissed a stupid case against Battleground Texas, a liberal group trying to persuade Texans to stop voting for idiots, which was brought about when known ass-clown and rightwing sockpuppet James O’Keefe lied about their activities, because he is a liar. Once again, James O’Keefe sent his motivated minions undercover to find out what nefarious activities liberals were doing. Would he find our secret lair where we ensure all womyn abort every Republican fetus at an agnostic non-religious service, surrounded by Hollywood liberals and statues of FDR sucking Barack Obama’s schlong? No, that remains secret. But here is what he found: The inquiry began after conservative activist James O’Keefe and his group, Project Veritas, made a video that purported to show Battleground Texas workers talking about transcribing telephone numbers from voter registration cards they’d collected. O’Keefe said in the video that taking phone numbers violated Texas law, and Republican leaders, including Lt. Gov. David Dewhurst, called for a criminal investigation. WE WANT BEHEADINGS! Burn them, for they are likely witches who float in water like very small rocks! With such damning evidence, Battleground Texas will surely go down in the annals of history as the most corruptest organization in Texas history. Seriously, this smoking gun evidence should have those Battleground Texas folks in prison and likely on death row in no time, right? Special prosecutor John Economidy, a Republican, told The Associated Press that he and fellow special prosecutor Christine Del Prado, a Democrat, determined that Battleground Texas did not violate state election law by transcribing phone numbers submitted on voter registration forms. San Antonio Judge Raymond Angelini signed the dismissal without comment on Friday, Economidy added. Hooray! Victory! Nice Time! And in Texas of all places!! Let’s victorysplore what happened.  Read more on Special Prosecutors Dismiss Case Against Liberal Group, Explain James O’Keefe Is A Liar…
  viva la revolucion!

Bill De Blasio Sworn In As New York City Mayor, Promises A Banker’s Head In Every Pot

Many of you were probably too hung over on Wednesday to remember that it was the day Bill de Blasio was inaugurated as mayor of New York City. It was a wonderful and festive day, though perhaps tinged with fear at what the city’s future in the grip of this mad Communist dictator may be. For those who missed it, Wonkette presents this transcript of de Blasio’s inaugural address. Greetings, comrades! Today is a glorious day for our revolution, a day we have dreamed of, planned and schemed for since the days when our forefathers and fellow travelers would gather in the back room of Morty Feinbaum’s haberdashery on Pitt just off Delancey to drink Morty’s homemade potato vodka and plot their evisceration of the aristocratic classes! For today is the day that I, Bill de Blasio, take control of the greatest city ever, New York City! (pause for applause, cheers, any dudebros in audience to chant “N-Y-C!”) Proletarians of the heroic working classes! I thank you for investing me with this awesome power. I thank you for ignoring the dire warnings of our fascist capitalist pig-dog enemies who kept telling you that a vote for Bill de Blasio was a vote for socialism, communism, and a return to the New York of the 1970s, when the city was a hellscape of criminality and our only hope lay with one man … a man driven by a thirst for revenge, a man who had only a gun and a Death Wish. (Pause for dudebros to chant “Charlie! Charlie!”) Read more on Bill De Blasio Sworn In As New York City Mayor, Promises A Banker’s Head In Every Pot…
  reno's 911

Totally Not Lying Men’s Rights Activist Is Your Newest James O’Keefe!

This bloke, Reno, he is quite a bloke! As a men’s rights activist, he totally GOTCHAED all those harpies who only pretend to care about domestic violence, when they really just want to falsely accuse these gallant knights of unspeakable acts what are not true. They also want to murder all our bepenised brethren and fry up their testicles and serve them with a light dusting of basil and mint. As Manboobz explains (because of course), “Reno” called this domestic violence help line, and spent about eight minutes talking to the lady about how his wife was beating him. Then the lady totally LAUGHED IN HIS FACE and said it served him right, because that lady was a feminist and feminism is the debbil. Read more on Totally Not Lying Men’s Rights Activist Is Your Newest James O’Keefe!…
  james o'keefe is literally hitler

James O’Keefe: ‘History Will Absolve Me! Also Send Cash!’

Yesterday, as first reported by your Wonkette (<–COPY LINK HERE, LA TIMES), the world rejoiced upon news that the insufferable date-rapey Dennis the Menace clone known as James O’Keefe III had settled his lawsuit with a former ACORN employee to the tune of $100,000 plus one weak ass nonpology. Twitter erupted in a sea of Nelson Muntz laughs at O’Keefe’s expense, and a few former recipients of ACORN assistance (like this person) were able to take an ounce of solace in justice being served against the person who unfairly brought down a truly beneficial organization. But what about the real victim here: James O’Keefe? How is he dealing with his tarnished “reputation,” the prospect of being out six figures, and living as just another used-up old con with arthritis in both hands (he probably couldn’t even get a library card if he applied). Well don’t fret people, if this statement from O’Keffe’s Project Veritas Clubhouse is of any indication ol’ James isn’t about to start carving his name into the rafters anytime soon. Read more on James O’Keefe: ‘History Will Absolve Me! Also Send Cash!’…
  now they will have to defund acorn again

Wonket Sexclusive: Totally Blameless Crime-Stopper James O’Keefe To Pay $100,000 To ACORN Criminal

James O’Keefe—the blonde bombshell who set the conservative world of hidden-camera YouTube movies ablaze—has just agreed to a $100,000 settlement to calm down the unjustly fired (and weirdly litigious about it) ACORN employee Juan Carlos Vera. According to a copy of the deal, obtained late last night by your wonkettes and viewable after the jump, O’Keefe has also agreed to ink an 11-word non-apology apology, that sources close to reality are calling “insincere” and “suuuuuuuch bullshit.” Read more on Wonket Sexclusive: Totally Blameless Crime-Stopper James O’Keefe To Pay $100,000 To ACORN Criminal…
  no braaaaaiiiiiinnnnnzzz

Heroic Republicans Will Murder Zombie ACORN Again And Again For Freedumb

Remember back in 2009 when selectively edited pimp videos became all the rage? No of course you do not because 2009 was like one million years ago in internet time. Take a trip back to the Mesozoic Era with yr Wonkette, won’t you? In 2009 we had to endure the smug face of James O’Keefe everyfuckingwhere as he managed to completely obliterate ACORN, an organization that actually did good things for the poors and such. ACORN got murdered (defunded. same thing) by Congress back in 2009 and has not menaced the population again. Does that matter to your modern GOP? Nope: A new short-term budget bill introduced on Monday by House Republicans includes a bizarre provision banning federal funding to anti-poverty group ACORN, despite the fact that the group has already been stripped of federal funding — and has been defunct for nearly three years. Read more on Heroic Republicans Will Murder Zombie ACORN Again And Again For Freedumb…
  criminals

Romney Campaign Finds New Goon To Love

News that the Romney campaign has taken on top gun “electoral strategist” Nathan Sproul gets unsurprisingly little attention. Distinguishing this Sproul from other vague shapes now buzzing the Citizen’s United honeywagon are long-buried reports of behavior that gives oppressive right-wing polluter-friendly theocracy a bad name. Lone, widely spaced APBs lean heavily on words like “goon,” “dirty trickster,” “brass knuckle tactics,” and “Teflon-style staying power” to describe Mr. Sproul and his contributions to 21st century democracy. This year, the good news for Sproul is that persistent allegations of massive “voter registration fraud” — as recounted by Sam Stein in this 2008 HuffPo expose -– are wingnut media’s wet dream of how Democrats get into office, so expect to hear little out of our brave liberal press about this veteran fixer in the months ahead. Read more on Romney Campaign Finds New Goon To Love…
  godwin's law

Voter ID Bill’s Newest Victim: GOP Lawmaker Who Shouted ‘Sieg Heil’

Why was New Hampshire Rep. Steve Vaillancourt so upset in debate over a proposed voter ID law? UNCLEAR. Except that House Speaker William O’Brien “restricted what he could address.” O’Brien had restricted what Vaillancourt could say about the full bill, saying that he could not reference the House Election Law Committee’s discussion, only the issues presented in the committee report. Well who died and made William O’Brien Hitler? Read more on Voter ID Bill’s Newest Victim: GOP Lawmaker Who Shouted ‘Sieg Heil’…
 

Super-Slick James O’Keefe Wannabe Tries To ACORN Everybody While They Point And Laugh

Just because you are busy suing and getting sued by every partner you have ever had is no reason to ever turn your back for a second, James O’Keefe. That is when a newer, prettier, younger you will All About Eve you every time! So what super-slick moves is newest James O’Keefe apostle/role-stealer Mr. John Melvin Howting spinning on the dance floor? Nothin’ much, he is just going around to Communist ACORN places and asking for help starting a union! Also, asking for help starting a union to bribe people. None of all the ACORNS were fooled by this, because it was moronic. Needz moar pimp hat! Read more on Super-Slick James O’Keefe Wannabe Tries To ACORN Everybody While They Point And Laugh…
  are you now or have you ever been a blah?

Obama Friends With New Black Man, This One With Communist Party ‘Ties’

Move over, Derrick Bell! (Well, if you could move, since you have been “late” since 2011.) There’s a new wingnut freakout comin’ atcha! Let’s just crown Rick Santorum right now, y’all; no need for another election with this smoking gun! VIDEO! OBAMA ADMITS HE SHARES VALUES WITH COMMUNIST CONGRESSMAN, screams, er, “ExposeObama.com.” But Bernie Sanders is a senator now. Whomever could they mean? It is “Rep.” Danny Davis — if that is even his real name! — and he received an award from the Communist Party USA! BURN HIM! Terrifying video after the jump! Read more on Obama Friends With New Black Man, This One With Communist Party ‘Ties’…
  knights of caucasia

Fox News Sets Up Voter Intimidation Tip Line To Protect You From Blacks

For years, ACORN and the New Black Panthers have stood outside polling stations to intimidate US. Why would a good (white) citizen even try to go into such a place? Obviously, they would be murdered on the spot. And yes, although democracy is worth dying for, it’s not worth dying and MISSING A WHOLE SEASON OF NCIS or Ghost Whisperer or whatever the old people watch on their CBS. Thankfully, Fox News is rescuing us from these scary dark-skinned people, by setting up an e-mail tip line of their own so that you can fire up the AOL and alert them that a real, live black person has been spotted in your hamlet this election day. Read more on Fox News Sets Up Voter Intimidation Tip Line To Protect You From Blacks…
  woodward + bernstein + dildos

James O’Keefe Tries To Get CNN Reporter Onto His Dildo Lube Boat

CNN is doing a documentary on the three or four people who are young American conservative activists, so they decided they would follow around that criminal James O’Keefe, the guy who made those ACORN videos and tried to rape Mary Landrieu’s phones. But you know the one thing they weren’t expecting? They weren’t expecting James O’Keefe to try to lure CNN reporter Abbie Boudreau alone onto a boat filled with dildos and lube and a “condom jar” and “fuzzy handcuffs” and “an obvious sex tape machine,” so this is precisely what he did. Presumably it was to record himself raping her, of course, but O’Keefe says it was just a goof. Huh? Read more on James O’Keefe Tries To Get CNN Reporter Onto His Dildo Lube Boat…
  women must lose to become winners

Today’s Most Popular Democrat Is Not Barack Obama

The statistics whizzes at Public Policy Polling called up almost 600 Ameritards to ask them who was the coolest among these five individuals — Barack Obama, Michelle Obama, Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, or Joe Biden. Everyone said, “Joe Biden, cuz he’s rad.” OK, OK, no they didn’t, because Biden is never allowed to win anything. Read more on Today’s Most Popular Democrat Is Not Barack Obama…
  rumors on the internet

ACORN Will Return With the Aztecs and Mitt Romney In 2012

Oh you thought ACORN went away forever? You are an April Fool because ACORN is just “reinventing” itself and when its good and ready it’ll resurrect and freak everyone out, just as Jesus once did. [RedState] Read more on ACORN Will Return With the Aztecs and Mitt Romney In 2012…
  acorn rising

Nobama’s Evil Plan Photographed In Dallas

Wonkette operative “Brian P.” emails this important dispatch from Texas: “I’m sending this to let you know the Final Solution is proceeding according to plan in Dallas, Texas. It’s all happening!” ACORN has not been vanquished by Patriots at all! It’s now the official pharmacy of Obamacare! Read more on Nobama’s Evil Plan Photographed In Dallas…
  so much for 'acorn'

ACORN Destroyed, To Splinter Off Into More Evil Local Groups

This will make sure wingnuts never complain about ACORN, or anything ACORN-ish, ever again! Specifically, ACORN has been more or less destroyed, and now state and local affiliates will go off ‘n’ do their own thing — get that MOJO back! — just like the Western Pioneers of lore. Read more on ACORN Destroyed, To Splinter Off Into More Evil Local Groups…
  thrown under the bus!

ACORN Pimp Won’t Headline Salt Lake County GOP Fundraiser

Salt Lake County Republicans have cravenly thrown ACORN pimp James O’Keefe under the bus following his arrest on federal charges of hanky-panky. These folks were going to have him deliver the keynote address at their annual Lincoln Day fundraiser, but now they have let a dumb little felony accusation get in the way! Maybe their replacement speaker can be Ted Stevens or Gordon Liddy or some other Republican who has gone that extra mile and become an officially convicted felon. Read more on ACORN Pimp Won’t Headline Salt Lake County GOP Fundraiser…