Tag Archives: aclu

  Get Your Bingo Cards Out

Gays, Abortions, Blacks, Oh My! Your Virginia Shooting Tragedy Bingo

Oh, fine. Begin the recitation of stupidity.
Oh, fine. Begin the recitation of stupidity. Wonder why bad things happen to good people? We’ve been scanning the dregs of the wingnuttosphere since Roanoke TV journalists Alison Parker and Adam Ward were shot to death while doing a routine interview Wednesday, and you’ll be astonished at the range of reasons it happened. Or you might be astonished, if you’re new to our great nation and its insane politics. Welcome to America! Here, you’ll want this flak jacket. So why did this terrible thing happen? Here’s a handy roundup! Read more on Gays, Abortions, Blacks, Oh My! Your Virginia Shooting Tragedy Bingo…
  Mandatory Patriotism Is The Best Kind

Finally, A Real Plan To Rid Nebraska Schools Of Commie Infiltrators

Nothing's more American than an anime girl in a flag bikini
Nothing’s more American than an anime girl in a flag bikini Hooray! The spirit of McCarthyism is alive and well in Hastings, Nebraska, where for the first time in ages, the local school district has asked all its teachers to comply with a 1951 state law requiring all teachers to sign a loyalty oath. After teachers complained, the ACLU warned the district that it’s begging for a lawsuit, but the school’s attorney advised the superintendent that the law is still valid and probably should be followed. Besides, isn’t Real Americanism all about making people pledge to support democracy and freedom, whether they want to or not, and also judging whether they’re patriotic enough? Read more on Finally, A Real Plan To Rid Nebraska Schools Of Commie Infiltrators…
  Great advice if you're an idiot

Pat Robertson Shows Grandma How To Shove Jesus Inside Her Grandkids

Good advice bro!
It’s time for another episode of Pat Robertson answers an email from a viewer who probably doesn’t exist! What’s wrong, “Elizabeth”? Oh, you are a grandmommy, and your 6-year-old grandson hates Jesus? That sounds bad! Wait, he doesn’t even BELIEVE in Jesus, because he is an atheist? Does your grandson happen to live in Indiana and the ACLU is suing because his teacher is an atheist-shaming asshole? Oh no, that is a different story, our bad. Well, where did he get these “Jesus is imaginary like Santa” ideas? FROM HIS PARENTS, you say? This sounds like a situation Grandma needs to stick her God-fearing nose into! Read more on Pat Robertson Shows Grandma How To Shove Jesus Inside Her Grandkids…
  let's gossip about the week's top stories

Elizabeth Warren, Dumb Duggars And A Bunch Of Republican Jerkoffs. Your Weekly Top Ten.

The boss of you. Hey Wonkers! It is Sunday, and we hope this post finds you fat and brunched up! We had quite a week, what with the first official debates of Fuckshow 2016. SPOILER ALERT: This campaign is going to be a real fuckshow. Read more on Elizabeth Warren, Dumb Duggars And A Bunch Of Republican Jerkoffs. Your Weekly Top Ten….
  Find a new job asshole

Mean ACLU Sues Teacher For Trying To Shame Atheist Child Into Heaven

He's weeping, and also telling the NRA to go fuck itself with a rusty dildo.
Get out your Teacher Of The Year ballots, we have a nominee to present! Meet Michelle Meyer, who teaches at a public school, Forest Park Elementary in Fort Wayne, Indiana. Her ass is getting sued by the ACLU, and here is why. One day, during recess, a 7-year-old boy named “A.B.” (his name is withheld in the lawsuit) was talking to a classmate, and according to the suit, she asked A.B. if he went to church. He said no, and also he doesn’t believe in God, and this made her cry, probably because, WE ARE GUESSING, her parents are fundamentalist Christian fucks, and she’s a young girl who hasn’t seen enough of the world to know that her parents are raising her to be a holier-than-thou dick. Not her fault. Read more on Mean ACLU Sues Teacher For Trying To Shame Atheist Child Into Heaven…
  Minorities demanding special rights

Here’s Your Video Of An Ignorant Bigot Lady Clerk Denying Gays A Marriage License For Jesus

My name is Kim and I'm a total dick, how may be of no help to you today?
Kim Davis is one of those county clerks who thinks that her personal relationship with a bigot version of Jesus that never existed gives her a hall pass from doing her fucking job, which, among other things, is issuing marriage licenses to the couples of Rowan County, Kentucky. Yes, EVEN the gay ones. Davis thinks that if that’s the case, she’ll just stop doing marriage licenses altogether, even though that’s — again — HER FUCKING JOB. So the ACLU is suing her ass right and good, on behalf of four couples in the county who have tried and failed to get marriage licenses. Oh, and they’re not all gay couples, either; half of them (that’s two of the couples, for you D-U-Capital-M’s out there) are opposite-sexing couples! Read more on Here’s Your Video Of An Ignorant Bigot Lady Clerk Denying Gays A Marriage License For Jesus…
  Goin' To The Chapel And We're Gonna Get Married Married Married

Sincerely Held Belief In Publicity Inspires Reality TV Polygamists To Apply For Marriage License

This stuff is pretty good, actually. Made in Park City, Utah.
In a move calculated to make every fundagelical family-values type scream “We told you so!” a polygamous Montana guy has applied for a license to marry his second wife, so that she can be just as legally married to him as his other wife. We’re quite certain that we should take everything Nathan Collier says about his struggle for freedom, dignity, and equality at face value, because he is a genuine Reality TV star, or at least the focus of a guest appearance on Sister Wives earlier this year. So when he says he was “inspired” by the Supreme Court’s great big marriage equality decision last week, then by golly, we know that it’s about his sincerely held religious beliefs, and definitely not common famewhoring. Read more on Sincerely Held Belief In Publicity Inspires Reality TV Polygamists To Apply For Marriage License…
  Justice Of Miscarriage

Miscarrying Lady Almost Dies At Catholic Hospital, But At Least She Didn’t Get An Abortion

How cool is Steve Brodner? Cool enough that he gave us permission to use this within five minutes of asking!
Oh, Wonketteers, you’re going to want to remove any heavy objects from the vicinity of your computer before you read this one, lest you hurl anything through your monitor (mobile users are advised to tie down their throwing arms). Tuesday, a federal district judge in Michigan dismissed a woman’s lawsuit against the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops and three chairs or former chairs of the Catholic hospital chain that owns Mercy Health Partners’ hospital in Muskegon, Michigan. In 2010, Tamesha Means was only 18 weeks pregnant when her water broke and she went to Mercy — one of only two hospitals in Muskegon County, which are both owned by the same Catholic company, Trinity Health. We’ll let the ACLU tell you how that went: Read more on Miscarrying Lady Almost Dies At Catholic Hospital, But At Least She Didn’t Get An Abortion…
  The Suin' 'Er State

Oklahoma Supreme Court Murders God

Note th' Illuminati symbol over th' Eagle!!!
In your Separation of Church and State Nice Time, the Oklahoma Supreme Court ruled Tuesday that a Ten Commandments monument at the state Capitol building has to be removed, because it violates the Oklahoma Constitution, never mind the U.S. one. Fans of Establishment Clause trolls the Satanic Temple aren’t sure whether to rejoice or be a little sad today, because now the group has no reason to push for the inclusion of its awesome statue of Baphomet giving his Satanic blessing to little children. Sadly, we have a feeling it will still be needed elsewhere. Read more on Oklahoma Supreme Court Murders God…
  Nobody Said The Law Has To Be Equal Did They?

Prosecutor Says Latino Wife-Beaters Are Cool, As Long As They Beat Their Own Kind

Because there really aren't any funny illustrations for this topic
Back in 2000, Congress did a good thing. It made it possible for undocumented immigrants who were victims of domestic violence to get a special visa — called “U visa” — to encourage victims to come forward and get help. It’s a pretty smart program, except it has one little problem: Local prosecutors decide whether to process the victim’s applications, and some local prosecutors are assholes, like the district attorney for Gaston County, North Carolina, who has the Ultimate Southern DA name of Locke Bell. Mr. Bell decided, all on his own, to reject a U visa application from a pregnant woman whose boyfriend punched her in the stomach, and he offered this flawless reason: He’s pretty sure the law “was never intended to protect Latinos from Latinos.” Why, that’s just silly — only commies think illegal immigrants are real people. Read more on Prosecutor Says Latino Wife-Beaters Are Cool, As Long As They Beat Their Own Kind…
  Nope

Activist California Judge Says ‘Just Don’t F*ck’ Does Not Count As Sex Ed

Illegal
Here is a thing that we all knew already, except for those of us who were homeschooled by a Duggar in Jesus’s basement and think the Earth is flat and just a few thousand years old, and also gravity? Pffft, just a theory. Telling kids to save their v-cards for their lawfully wedded opposite-sex marriage spouse is really dumb. And it doesn’t prevent pregnancy or disease. And in California, it is against the law. Read more on Activist California Judge Says ‘Just Don’t F*ck’ Does Not Count As Sex Ed…
  Everything's bigger in Texas including the stupid

United States Of Texas Not About To Let Supreme Court Gay It All Up

Oh look, it's the gays, taking away Ben Shapiro's freedom.
Everyone knows we’re getting gay married in June. ALL OF US. The Supreme Court heard the last desperate gasp of bigots sputtering “tradition” and “the children” and “boo hoo” in April, and assuming Justice Antonin Scalia fails to persuade his colleagues that if Plato didn’t need a marriage certificate to do all the buttsex he wanted, then neither should anyone in contemporary America, a majority of the Court is going to tell us that the law o’ the land (aka The Constitution) says We Are All Gay Now. Read more on United States Of Texas Not About To Let Supreme Court Gay It All Up…
  weep for the oppressed Christian majority

North Carolina Official Not About To Listen To Ay-Rabs Makin’ Prayers To Allah Or Whoever

If you don't pray in Jesus's name, the big guy in the sky can't hear you.
North Carolina’s Lincoln County doesn’t have any Jewish, Muslim or Hindu houses of worship, but that does not mean the godless liberal Ay-rabs, with their San Francisco Sharia Law values, aren’t currently attacking the poor Christians who populate the rural county. This is why Carrol Mitchem, chairman of the Lincoln County Board of Commissioners, has chosen a particularly stupid passion in life, which is making sure all county meetings start with prayers to Jesus, only Jesus, and definitely none of them Funny Gods from Foreigner-ville: Read more on North Carolina Official Not About To Listen To Ay-Rabs Makin’ Prayers To Allah Or Whoever…
  They hate us for our freedoms

America-Hating Appellate Court Says NSA Can’t Read All Your Sexts To Fight Terrorism After All

Guess they forgot :(
You’ve probably forgotten by now that time some terrorists damn near destroyed America with boxcutters, and we had to rewrite the Constitution to save the Constitution, so the terrorists would not win. So Congress passed a law that says the government can do pretty much whatever it wants, to protect America. They called it the USA Patriot Act, because of how it is so fucking patriotic and you can’t vote against a bill that has PATRIOT right there in the name because that means you hate America. And freedom. And you are not with us, you are with the terrorists. Turns out, a three-judge panel of the Second Circuit Court of Appeals does hate America: Read more on America-Hating Appellate Court Says NSA Can’t Read All Your Sexts To Fight Terrorism After All…
  First Amendment? What First Amendment?

Congratulations, God, The Tennessee House Just Loves Your Book! (Exciting Update!)

Hey, that dude looks like Breitbart!
Happy Nice Time Update: See end of post! The Tennessee House voted Wednesday to name the Bible the official state book. But don’t worry, it’s not a violation of the First Amendment, because the people who wrote the bill said, nahh, it’s exactly like a state song or a state bird, and nobody complains that those violate the Constitution, do they? And then they turned right around and said that they had to make the Bible the state book to show that Tennessee loves Jesus a whole bunch. Read more on Congratulations, God, The Tennessee House Just Loves Your Book! (Exciting Update!)…
  God Bless The TSA

TSA Thinks You Might Be A Terrorist If You Smell Bad

Just looking out for us
Everyone knows the Transportation Security Administration is our best defense against terrorists doing 9/11 to us again. Or at least protecting us from scantily clad teenage girls, kids in wheelchairs, moms armed with weaponized bottles of breast milk, and those sneaky devils with their fake non-American photo IDs from some unknown “District of Columbia.” So it’s good to know that the TSA has a carefully designed and effective system for spotting the most likely potential terrorists among us: Read more on TSA Thinks You Might Be A Terrorist If You Smell Bad…