Everyone very warmly congratulate Jean Schmidt (R-OH), who has bravely and accidentally come out as a Birther. Lo! Observe as Jean Schmidt is accosted by a rabid blond female Birther wearing some kind of decorative traditional headdress of war. “Blah blah NOT dog whistle MY muslin president Hussein sdodfgifjsd states’ rights fake something Gerald Ford something something!” shrieks the Birther to Jean Schmidt, to which the latter replies: “I agree with you, but the courts don’t.” Jean Schmidt is finally embracing the real Jean Schmidt, and so should America. [Glenn Thrush]

There were injuries in this accident so we should not make jokes, but meh, they’re in stable condition now: Rep. Denny Rehberg of Montana and his fun-lovin’ buddies were cruisin’ on their 22-foot motorboat last night and either crashed or intentionally parked said boat on this sack o’boulders. Alcohol? Drugs? We’ll see. In any event: maybe it’s time to head back to Congress! [Daily Inter Lake]

United States senators have all sorts of fun pastimes. Some of them enjoy innocent diaper-play with prostitutes, while others hold drunken poolside orgies that feature potato-less potato salad. Senator Orrin Hatch, Republican of Utah and known vehicular menace, prefers a more sedate form of diversion: gently running over pedestrians, in the rain. MORE »

OK so President Obama may have weathered his first hundred days, a pirate attack, the pig AIDS, and the collapse of our financial and automotive sectors, but can he stand up to the nation’s latest Great Menace? We refer, of course, to an epidemic of falling televisions. MORE »

The reign of terror continues! Not content to just mow down elderly black Floridian motorists and spread propaganda for John McCain’s arch enemy, the Haunted Devil-Bus has now buried Houston in a blizzard of “campaign supplies.” [KHOU]

Beloved Taxacusetts senator and last-surviving RFK/JFK brother Ted Kennedy is in the hospital today after doctors fixed a clogged artery in his neck. They successfully removed the Jameson bottle and now he’s “resting.” But what’s interesting is why he went to the doctor in the first place: The neck clog was found during an MRI to check on his wrecked back — Ted Kennedy barely survived a terrible plane crash in 1964, just a few months after John Kennedy’s assassination. MORE »

Not only are bridges across the nation crumbling, but now our government buildings are collapsing in the middle of the day. The courtyard of Columbia Plaza leads to the State Department’s SA-1 building, and yesterday afternoon its outdoor ceiling collapsed onto panicked drivers below. No one was hurt, but several cars were damaged and the ground floor entrance will be closed for the remainder of the week. First Lady Laura Bush immediately showed up on the scene to calm the victims and join the survivors in a moment of silent prayer for the lost cars. President Bush is expected to tour the site this weekend, and in a press conference today he express deep concern about the tragedy, immediately attacked congressional Democrats for not providing enough plaza ceiling oversight, and then announced his intention to veto any parking garage roof tax increases. Full State Dept. notification after the jump!

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A rogue Circulator bus crashed into a Georgetown office building earlier today, causing one injury and the hilarious image you see to the right. MORE »

Trouble in Maine! A seven-car interstate accident injures five, causes thousands of dollars in damage — but the cops won’t say who caused it! MORE »

We’ve been wondering just how to cover today’s Times piece on Patrick “Oscar” Kennedy and his sponsor, Jim “Felix” Ramstad all day. Because there are a dozen hilarious pull-quotes in that sucker (”If we could turn Congress into one big A.A. meeting…” “Mr. Ramstad’s hand draped over his colleague’s shoulder…” etc. etc.). Instead of snickering about all the declarations of love, though, we’ll just ask for your best guesses on this apparently sensitive subject: MORE »

Stay off the crack. (Photo: AP)

Police report:

In a search incident to arrest, officers recovered from defendant’s pocket a loaded Davis Industries Derringer .22 caliber handgun. This two-shot gun was loaded with one spent round and one live round of .22 cal ammunition. Police also recovered from his person several white rock-like substances that field tested positive for crack cocaine.

Complete “statement of facts” from the feds, after the jump.

Earlier: Capitol Crash: An Hour of Terror, an Hour Ago

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