Wonkette

U.S. President George W. Bush has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize for “fighting terrorism and promoting world peace,” according to a BBC News report. Bush has successfully promoted peace and democracy in many terrorist nations, including Iraq and Afghanistan, while making Americans safer and more prosperous at home. MORE »

You’d think Donald Rumsfeld would know better than to go to the land of rabid Jerry Lewis fans, striped boating shirt aficionados and melty cheeses, but oh, no! He probably thought, “It’s Sarkozy’s town, now,” and, therefore, he’d be greeted as a liberator. Well, not exactly:

Former US Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld’s jaunt to France was interrupted today by an unscheduled itinerary item — he was slapped with a criminal complaint charging him with torture.

Rumsfeld, in Paris for a discussion sponsored by the magazine Foreign Policy, was tracked down by representatives of a coalition of international human rights groups, who informed the architect of the US invasion of Iraq that they had submitted a torture suit against him in French court.

The filed documents allege that during his tenure, the former defense secretary “ordered and authorized” torture of detainees at both the American-run Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq and the US military’s detainment facility at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

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Sort of. Maybe. The President signed an Executive Order today telling the CIA to stop doing all the torture that the White House told them to do to fight terror just like the guy on the TV. The order forbids “sexual or sexually indecent acts undertaken for the purpose of humiliation, forcing the individual to perform sexual acts or to pose sexually, threatening the individual with sexual mutilation, or using the individual as a human shield,” or “sexytime.” Also you are no longer to flush comically undersized Korans down comically large toilets. MORE »

Oh, Mitt Romney! You are a determined, can-do individual. When it comes to torturing family pets and traumatizing children, nobody does it better than you:

Before beginning the drive, Mitt Romney put Seamus, the family’s hulking Irish setter, in a dog carrier and attached it to the station wagon’s roof rack …. Tagg Romney commandeered the way-back of the wagon, keeping his eyes fixed out the rear window, where he glimpsed the first sign of trouble. ”Dad!” he yelled. ”Gross!” A brown liquid was dripping down the back window, payback from an Irish setter who’d been riding on the roof in the wind for hours.

Mitt stopped the car, strangled the dog, and wiped his shitty hands on his eleven horrified sons. MORE »

Perfect for the newest Cheney’s trips to the beach, chilling at the pool, or field trips to Iraqi prisons!
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It’s totally fine to torture and murder and rape everybody — if they’re Muslims! — but some conservative fanatics think it’s wrong to rape American boys. Firing those U.S. attorneys was way too boring to force Gonzo to resign, even if all those U.S. attorneys were prosecuting Republican politicians for the usual crimes of graft, bribery, corruption, hookers, doing 9/11, etc. But if you add some TEEN GAY SEX RAPE to the mix, this thing could go nuts! MORE »

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Having decided that’s it’s just not funny anymore to have a heroic character called “Captain America,” Marvel Comics has killed off the famed comic-book “super soldier.” Created in the 1940s as a cartoon foe of Nazi Germany and Imperial Japan, the Captain has had some hard times. Nobody loves America and we aren’t exactly winning wars these days. Read the whole sad story, after the jump.

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U.S. Army Brigadier General Patrick Finnegan has pleaded with the producers of a popular teevee show about torturing Arabs to please stop torturing everybody. With the military now forced to accept high-school dropouts, felons, drug addicts, fatsos, gang-bangers, rapists, cretins and half-wits in a desperate attempt to meet the Pentagon’s demand for more bodies, Finnegan is bothered by the show 24 because young recruits now believe it’s “patriotic” to torture and murder Muslims. MORE »

The showing of Ghosts of Abu Ghraib last night marked the first time in history something interesting happened during a post-screening roundtable. MORE »

Hey Iraq — Bush isn’t mad, just disappointed with you guys right now. MORE »

Rumsfeld says he wants to retire to his Taos ranch, but federal prosecutors in Germany have a different idea: They’d like to charge him with war crimes. Germany’s top prosecutor gets a big ugly pile of legal documents next week from 11 plaintiffs charging human-rights abuses at Abu Ghraib, Guantanamo Bay and various other U.S. terror jails. MORE »