Now that American Capitalism has completely failed and the U.S. currency is even more worthless, the folks at the U.S. Mint are having some fun by releasing this new Lincoln Penny, which reminds us that all Republicans are terrible closet-case homosexuals having grim bathroom encounters in these Log Cabins on the edge of town, by the interstate rest stop. MORE »

We ran into YOUR president, George W. Bush, on the streets of St. Paul. He’s been arrested oh no! This is why he can’t appear in person to deliver his address — he’ll be getting bondage-whipped by this pink sexbot cop on the shores of the Mississippi river for the rest of his term. Also, we’ve gone through the official schedule of the night’s events and, shortly after 9:00 ET, there will be a video tribute to George “H.” W. Bush, the Yankee plutocrat everyone pretends to like these days. This comes right after the video tribute to Abraham Lincoln, whose presidency failed due to his lack of previous experience. *Just saying.* Also MICHELE BACHMANN is speaking within the hour. Tee hee!

So a couple days ago on Fox and Friends they were talking about Hillary Clinton challenging Barack Obama to a “Lincoln-Douglas debate.” They referred, of course, to the grueling series of seven three-hour debates held in 1858 between Illinois senatorial candidates Abraham Lincoln and Stephen Douglas, who was a shrimpy pro-slavery jackass. But those silly graphical artists at Fox thought the Douglas in question was Frederick Douglass, the former slave and abolitionist who basically agreed with Lincoln even if Lincoln had to hedge a bit to get elected! The point is, Hillary Clinton wants 21 more hours of debates which is why she must be stopped. MORE »

This is just creepy and wrong and weird — we got a press release earlier this morning advising us that “PRESIDENT ABRAHAM LINCOLN ARRIVES IN WASHINGTON D.C.” today. It’s from Madame Tussauds, whose Chinatown by-way-of-Coney Island (but somehow… not awesome?) wax museum is opening soon. And yes, Abe’s hideous life mask attached to a 7 ft tall mannequin is on the Delta Shuttle to National right now. He gets in at 11:45. They bought him a ticket and they’re posing him on the goddamn seat. Maybe they can bring JFK’s doppelganger in on the Acela. The quiet car, natch. Press release, after the jump! Still time to make it to the National to see the whole gross spectacle, guys!

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According to medical experts at the University of Maryland, Abraham Lincoln could’ve survived his disastrous trip to Ford’s Theater - had he merely traveled forward through time 140 years. It wouldn’t have been an easy recovery, though. MORE »

A 40-year-old intern with the National Archives pleaded guilty Wednesday to stealing 164 Civil War documents, including an official announcement of President Lincoln’s death, and putting most of them up for sale on eBay.

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Every week, our Anonymous Lobbyist answers your questions about how laws get made and why they probably shouldn’t. If you have a question about the dirty business of doing business in Washington, ask her.

This week: The usual filth, plus Abraham Lincoln.

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Those lovable WashTimes kids are at it again! MORE »

* House Iraq wrist-slap resolution day is today. Thanks to Harry Reid, Senate will be voting tomorrow while you drink. [WP, WP, NYT]
* The, “and then what” part of the resolution still escapes Democrats. [LAT]
* Other troop surge, in that other war, couldn’t get a Senate vote on a Wednesday if they promised a bowl of navy bean soup for showing up. [WP, NYT]
* Shady dealings of Nevada Governor Jim Gibbons still lack hookers. [WP, NYT]
* Condoleezza Rice was this close to a Palestinian-Israeli peace deal. [USAT]
* Start stockpiling water and granola bars now - the “Y2K7DSTFU” is upon us! [WSJ]
* The blood-thirsty congress-murdering rhetoric of Abraham Lincoln. [WP]

Barack Hussein Obama has a lot in common with a certain other Senator who wanted to be President, according to Newsweek: MORE »

As we continue honoring the birth of Richard Milhouse Nixon, let’s take a look at his liberal credentials.

If you only know “Tricky Dick” for his dictatorial presidency that very nearly ended two centuries of American democracy and first elevated amoral criminals such as Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld to the White House, then you’ll surely be surprised by all the stuff we’ve hidden after the jump.

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