Are you FRIGHTENED yet, citizens? Abraham Lincoln would not have cared for this at all, these sinister libtards “working in the shadows” of the publicly available Internet. Abraham Lincoln would be crying like an eagle. [via Matt Yglesias]

WAPO EKES 729-WORD ARTICLE OUT OF 43-WORD NOTE FROM LINCOLN: “Did it fall out in transit? Was it torn out by a mischievous clerk 100 years ago? No one knows.” Blah blah blah Lincoln Lincoln Lincoln. [Washington Post]

Okay, so it’s been there for a few weeks, but Abraham Lincoln: Final Casualty of War is still one of the creepiest museum offerings around. The National Museum of Health and Medicine’s exhibit provides an anatomical look inside Lincoln on his last living day — there is the lock of hair, plus bits of his skull, his bloody sleeve, and the bullet that killed him. MORE »

Fearing the tourist mobs on the Mall but needing a national monument fix? Head to the mysterious land of Petworth, home to Abraham Lincoln’s famous Washington cottage! MORE »

Did you know that according to THE LAW, this holiday is simply called “Washington’s Birthday” and not “President’s Day,” as the mattress stores and car dealers have taught you to believe. According to one person on the Internet, the misconception — like most misconceptions, as well as abortion — stems from some liberals getting together back in the day and trying to ruin America. MORE »

On this very boring news day, let us rejoice that we have the fake birthday of George Washington to celebrate. Ken has already wrung two (2) posts out of this blessed shopping holiday, and (SPOILER ALERT) you may have another one coming in a few hours! So let’s take this occasion to look at an Official Ranking of American Presidents, brought to you courtesy of some elite historians in the pocket of Big C-SPAN. MORE »

Oh look it’s “Babe-raham Lincolon.” She is a cheerleader for the New Jersey Nets, a terrible basketball team. And she’s the actual descendant cousin of old what’s his name, the guy who wouldn’t take the Commerce Secretary job, who was born 200 years ago yesterday on the HMS Beagle. Here is Bonnie Lincoln on some local newscast, holding a piece of Abe Lincoln’s lincoln log, the end. You must click MORE to watch the Sexy Video :*( MORE »

Why can’t Obama find a Commerce Secretary? Uhh … Abe Lincoln’s fault? Hooray for our favorite daytime teevee president! [YouTube]

BARACK OBAMA BEARS STUNNING RESEMBLANCE TO EVERY OTHER PRESIDENT IN AMERICAN HISTORY: Presumptuous Barack Obama isn’t just like Abraham Lincoln — he has also bitten the rhymes of such American notables as Rutherford B. Hayes and Chester A. Arthur. He is truly a chameleon, this Obama. [Eric Spiegelman]

The same mincing gaggle of Presidential Historians who impotently declared George W. Bush the Worst President Ever — which did exactly nothing to prevent him from serving a full eight years in the White House — have now decided uppity president-elect Barack Obama is a wildy presumptuous fantasist because he has referenced the godlike mustache-free Illinois president who caused the Civil War, Abe “Lincoln Logs” Lincoln. MORE »

By the Comics Curmudgeon
Now that the election is over and Barry Hussein Von Hopenstein has won, we can admit that as part of the vast media conspiracy, we were all thoroughly very deeply in the enormous tank. Also in the tank were all political cartoonists, except for a few, to whom we will not give equal time today, due to our in-the-tankness. But like all members of the media, the cartoonitariat is a fickle thing, and they are all beginning to show us the horror that awaits us under President Obama. Read on to find out how bad it will get … if you dare. MORE »

Now that American Capitalism has completely failed and the U.S. currency is even more worthless, the folks at the U.S. Mint are having some fun by releasing this new Lincoln Penny, which reminds us that all Republicans are terrible closet-case homosexuals having grim bathroom encounters in these Log Cabins on the edge of town, by the interstate rest stop. MORE »

We ran into YOUR president, George W. Bush, on the streets of St. Paul. He’s been arrested oh no! This is why he can’t appear in person to deliver his address — he’ll be getting bondage-whipped by this pink sexbot cop on the shores of the Mississippi river for the rest of his term. Also, we’ve gone through the official schedule of the night’s events and, shortly after 9:00 ET, there will be a video tribute to George “H.” W. Bush, the Yankee plutocrat everyone pretends to like these days. This comes right after the video tribute to Abraham Lincoln, whose presidency failed due to his lack of previous experience. *Just saying.* Also MICHELE BACHMANN is speaking within the hour. Tee hee!