Tag Archives: abraham lincoln

  Just needs a little fixin'

Republican Congress Does Not Care For All These Anchor Babies, Picks HOLY F*CK RACIST To Testify

Go home!
Always searching for the next great idea to keep America the pristine for-white-Christian-straight-dudes-only nation Jesus intended, Republicans in the House and Senate are pushing for a law to tweak the 14th Amendment just a tad: Read more on Republican Congress Does Not Care For All These Anchor Babies, Picks HOLY F*CK RACIST To Testify…
  Pay up bitch

County Wants Aaron Schock To Pay For Special Election To Put New Buttcheeks In His Old Seat

We're sure he'll find a way to Shake This Off too.
Aaron Schock, the hot male personal photographer-having FORMER congressman from Illinois, still has a war chest with $3.3 million in it, due to he was apparently very good at fundraising, and also because he apparently had some very creative methods when it came to doing things on the taxpayers’ dime. Well, now he’s going to have to spend some of it, because the Marshall County Board, outside of Peoria, is really not in the mood to spend $76,000 to cover the costs of the special election party they have to throw, now that their baby-faced Instagram cover model boy had to resign from Congress, for being too much like Abraham Lincoln. Or maybe he resigned because he’s a criminal: Read more on County Wants Aaron Schock To Pay For Special Election To Put New Buttcheeks In His Old Seat…
  Or You Could Look Up Thurber's 'If Grant Had Been Drinking At Appomattox'

It’s Appomattox Day. The South Lost. Deal With It.

Yeah, yeah, noble cause. Freaking slavers.
One hundred fifty years ago today, the American Civil War ended with Robert E. Lee’s surrender to Ulysses S. Grant at Appomattox Court House, which wasn’t a courthouse but a town named after a court house, and the actual house belonged to Wilmer McLean. This is generally considered a fortunate thing, since “The Surrender At Wilmer’s Place” would not look nearly as good on a commemorative print. The relentless romanticizing of the Southern cause — state’s rights, the Old Noble Ways, the Southern Aristocracy, and the Fight for Freedom for people of a certain pale hue — started well before the war, and the mere fact of Southern defeat did little to slow it. After all, what’s more romantic than a Lost Cause? It was a good enough reason for a delusional actor to shoot Abraham Lincoln just a week later, and it was a good enough pile of romantic mush to keep the Lost Cause ideology alive long after the Confederacy and all its leaders and followers were dead and in the ground. Read more on It’s Appomattox Day. The South Lost. Deal With It….
  The similarities are EERIE

Congressmuffin Aaron Schock: I, Like Abe Lincoln, Am No Longer In Congress

This is how I felt after I freed the slaves!
The House Of Representatives is going into recess for two weeks, which means that ethically challenged CongressCheeks Aaron Schock had to do to his “So Long, Farewell” speech a few days early. Schock had previously promised to resign effective March 31, since the feds have started Just Asking about the various private planes, Katy Perry shows, and romance trips to India that Schock seems to have been spending taxpayer money on. Speaking to the House floor on Thursday, Schock said the usual blah blah about how he was grateful for the opportunity to serve the people in Peoria, God has a plan, etc. He stated that The Good Book (didn’t specify which, probably one of Martha Stewart’s guides to Good Things) says that “before I formed you in the womb, I knew you.” He did not add, “and you looked FABULOUS!” Read more on Congressmuffin Aaron Schock: I, Like Abe Lincoln, Am No Longer In Congress…
  Have some more oops

Rick Perry Apparently Serious About Trying To Be President Again

You’d think, given the spectacular FAIL that was the presidential campaign of the now former but still indicted Texas governor, Rick Perry might want to reconsider another attempt at the White House. But nope! Yee haw, he is going to do this thing again, because he sure as heck didn’t buy those smart glasses for nothin’. Read more on Rick Perry Apparently Serious About Trying To Be President Again…
  Dunces Of The Confederacy

Asshat Wankers Celebrate Lincoln’s Birthday By Thanking John Wilkes Booth

Independence for Redneckistan! (We know how much the LOSers just looooove this photo)
Our old frenemies at the neo-Confederate League of the South (who just love that photo up there so much) are really getting into the holiday spirit, taking a moment to recognize Abraham Lincoln’s birthday by thanking John Wilkes Booth for shooting him in the head. Read more on Asshat Wankers Celebrate Lincoln’s Birthday By Thanking John Wilkes Booth…
  conservachristmas

Here Are Stupid Things To Buy For The Beloved Idiot Republicans In Your Life

Greetings, godless liberals! Since you don’t celebrate Christmas in your heathen belief system, you might not realize that the more upright members of society are using one of their “holy days” as a reason to spend the next two weeks exchanging bobbles and trinkets to signal fellowship and lord their financial prosperity over each other. Read more on Here Are Stupid Things To Buy For The Beloved Idiot Republicans In Your Life…
  I Hear America Derping

Facebook Gun Hero Explains Assassinatin’ Beats Voting Every Time

Other than *that* it's a pretty compelling argument
From the Coalition to Stop Gun Violence Facebook page comes the above screenshot of a cheerful Election Day message from a pro-gun, pro-insurrection Facebook thing. The Facebook group is still up, though they’ve removed the image and the accompanying text, which read: Read more on Facebook Gun Hero Explains Assassinatin’ Beats Voting Every Time…
  taxes are also slavery

Rand Paul’s Utopian Vision For America Does Not – Repeat, DOES NOT – Include Slavery

We are really looking forward to Sen. Rand Paul’s upcoming presidential run, when the Aqua Buddha enthusiast will trot out his knowledge of American history that he learned reading the children’s menu at a Bob Evans off the interstate in Harlan County. Remarkably, this will be a step up in the knowledge department from most of the Republican base, but still. Read more on Rand Paul’s Utopian Vision For America Does Not – Repeat, DOES NOT – Include Slavery…
  Lincoln's Doctor's Dog Was A Commie Too

Abraham Lincoln, Total Communist

Save it for COMMUNISM, that is!
We just keep falling in love all over again with Colorado wingnut radio preacher Kevin Swanson. Anyone who thinks that the Pill leaves ladies’ innards littered with tiny dead fetuses and that Mark Twain was possessed by demons is OK in our book (it is a rather strange book). And now Swanson has blown the lid off the biggest scam ever: Abraham Lincoln was a Marxist socialist commie who was bent on turning America into a socialist hellhole, and it worked!!!! Read more on Abraham Lincoln, Total Communist…
  ladies against women

Tennessee Rep. Marsha Blackburn Denies White House Bid, Maybe, Probably, Who Even Knows?

Is it 2016 yet? Have we inaugurated Hillary Clinton already? CNN BREAKING NEWS: No, it is only 2014. Yet rumors persist about who is and is not running for President to replace Our Dreamy Guiding Star of Socialist Hippie Liberalism Barack HU-SANE Obama. It looks like we may have another contender, and she is a vagina-American, per The Leaf Chronicle: A report over the weekend that Tennessee Rep. Marsha Blackburn might launch a 2016 Republican presidential bid spurred a non-denial denial from her campaign staff. Non-denial denial! Does it get any denialier? And ladies, she is running on the platform, quoted by Huffington Post, “It is Republicans that have led the fight for women’s equality.” Move over Michele Bachmann, and step aside Sarah Palin: the GOP has a new woman to steal headlines and be batshit crazy. Let’s non-denialsplore.  Read more on Tennessee Rep. Marsha Blackburn Denies White House Bid, Maybe, Probably, Who Even Knows?…
  what if?

What If Bill O’Reilly Had Better Examples Of What Abraham Lincoln Would Or Would Not Do?

Watch out, because noted presidential scholar Bill “Falafel” O’Reilly has gazed upon Barack Obama and, hark unto his words, found him wanting, especially when compared to reputed Republican Abraham Lincoln, who never EVER would have cheapened his office by being fake interviewed by a portly Greek comedian. Yes, yes, “You didn’t build that” has officially morphed into “Abe wouldn’t do that.” Fun! Let’s play along! Read more on What If Bill O’Reilly Had Better Examples Of What Abraham Lincoln Would Or Would Not Do?…
  clipbait

Who You Gonna Believe About Lincoln? Some Nerd History Guy Or Stephen Colbert?

Stephen Colbert has the skinny on Barack Obama’s presidency-destroying interview with Zach Galifianakis, which “set off a firestorm everywhere, from Fox News to later in the day on Fox News.” The montage of clips from Fox explaining how the short video mortally wounded the President’s dignity is worth the price of admission all by itself. And then there’s the beautiful abject failure of the rightwing attempts to call the video an abject failure — traffic to healthcare.gov went up 40% Tuesday after the video went viral. Read more on Who You Gonna Believe About Lincoln? Some Nerd History Guy Or Stephen Colbert?…
  why so unserious?

Bill O’Reilly Pretty Sure Lincoln Would Not Have Japed And Jested With Zach Galifianakis

It looks like the consensus is in: Barack Obama must resign or be impeached because he was in a six minute comedy video. The presidency is obviously damaged beyond repair. And now we can add Lincoln Authority Bill O’Reilly to the list of astute scholars of What A President Mayst Do. On his Tuesday program, O’Reilly led with the scandalous scandal, explaining that based on his vast awareness of the 16th President, “All I can tell is you is Abe Lincoln would not have done it,” because as everyone knows, Lincoln never went on any social media at all. Billo also suggested that the video was a sign that Obamacare must be a complete failure, asking whether “Using a comedic web site to enroll people is a little bit desperate, don’t you think?” Maybe it is! Though maybe it’s not quite as desperate as having a snit fit just because somebody else had a far better interview with the president than O’Reilly did. Read more on Bill O’Reilly Pretty Sure Lincoln Would Not Have Japed And Jested With Zach Galifianakis…
  abraham martin and charleton heston

Brave Oregon GOP Heroes Firehosed Out Of Venue Just For Raffling Off Rifle In Honor Of MLK

Well, it pretty much stands to reason that if Ted Nugent is Rosa Parks and the sacred fight against all gun control is the new civil rights movement, then the Multnomah Republican Party should celebrate Martin Luther King and Abraham Lincoln by raffling off an AR-15 rifle (or a handgun of the winner’s choice) at their February 15 Lincoln Day Dinner. (Awful though the ad up top is, we do want to point out that it was not used for the raffle — that’s just random race-baiting argybargy from gun fondlers.) For some reason, a lot of people found the announcement of the raffle and fundraising dinner — with its line about honoring “two great Republicans” — to be lacking in taste somehow, despite the documented fact that both King and Lincoln gave their lives in the struggle to ensure that no one at a gun show ever face a background check or a limit on the size of their ammunition magazine. After learning that The Internet Was Not Pleased, the Greek Orthodox church where the dinner was going to be held withdrew permission for the dinner to be held. So, hey, it’s a kinda-sorta partial victory, although the GOP group will go ahead with the dinner and raffle at a new location. It would appear the moral arc of the universe continues to bend toward douchebaggery. Read more on Brave Oregon GOP Heroes Firehosed Out Of Venue Just For Raffling Off Rifle In Honor Of MLK…
  wonkette confidential

Extra! Extra! Clarence Thomas Was Black Panther Paperboy!

Once a year the Federalist Society has a dinner in Washington DC. It is a dinner for lawyers. This year they promised an appearance by Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas. I wondered what he might have to say as their featured guest; I had seen him a few times while he was at work and he did not seem like a talkative man. Read more on Extra! Extra! Clarence Thomas Was Black Panther Paperboy!…
  'government for the people' sounds socialist too

Time Traveling Obama Made Lincoln Remove ‘Under God’ From First Draft Of Gettysburg Address, Also Didn’t Even Kill Hitler

Did you hear about the latest outrage perpetrated by Barack Hussein Obama? It’s bad enough that he’s insulted the memory of the Noble Dead of Gettysburg by not attending the 150th anniversary of Lincoln’s dedication of the cemetery there. (Headline if he had attended: “Imperial Hubris: Barack Obama tries to resurrect image by upstaging Lincoln commemoration.”) But now he’s gone and deliberately removed God from his snippet of the address! Dead Breitbart’s Home for Perpetual Fuming is just one of many wingnut outlets complaining about this deliberate slight to the Almighty in documentary filmmaker Ken Burns’ montage of news and political people reading the speech. After the butthurt from the usual crowd, Burns updated his website with a note saying “Did you know there are five versions of the Gettysburg Address? We asked President Obama to read the first, the Nicolay Version.” That draft, which is in the Library of Congress, didn’t include the words “under God” at the end of the speech. Or so the Gettysburg Foundation would have us believe! Read more on Time Traveling Obama Made Lincoln Remove ‘Under God’ From First Draft Of Gettysburg Address, Also Didn’t Even Kill Hitler…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Cache Of Crazy

Happy Saturday, Wonkaroonies, and welcome to another installment of Derp Roundup, where we stomp on a bunch of stories that were too stoopid to ignore altogether, but not quite enough to do a full post on, to squeeze out whatever funny may still be in them. If the mixture tastes a little off, add booze. (This almost exactly how they make “Sunny Delight.”) Item Numero Uno is not strictly Political Derp, but we do Media Derp, too. Plus it is from Yr Dok Zoom’s own hometown of Boise, Idaho. On Thursday, KIVI teevee sportsball guy Paul Gerke did his entire four-minute segment in costume and character as Ron Burgundy, which we understand was a character played by the great comedic actor “Kevin Nealon.” It’s just about the most press that our fair city has gotten since the Broncos won the Siesta Bowl sportsball tournament a few years ago, so we are obliged to write about it. Thanks for the national attention, Deadspin! Nice for Idaho to get some attention that involves neither neo-nazis nor Senator Widestance. Video after the jump, for those of you who are into celebrity impressions that add a Minnesota accent to a character that didn’t originally have one. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Cache Of Crazy…
  the secret of my secession

Mississippi Senate Candidate Just Can’t Quit All These Neo-Confederates

Chris McDaniel is just a good ol’ Constitutional Conservative who has addressed a conference held by a neo-Confederate group that thinks secession would be a nifty idea. McDaniel, a state senator who’s pursuing a primary challenge to incumbent Sen. Thad Cochran, was prominently featured in last weekend’s New York Times story on the “GOP Civil War,” which didn’t mention his palling around with people who think the wrong side lost the actual Civil War. Cochran is now apparently some kind of liberal because he voted to keep the government running; McDaniel is looking forward to making that vote a central talking point against Cochran. True patriots don’t want a functioning federal government, after all. Read more on Mississippi Senate Candidate Just Can’t Quit All These Neo-Confederates…
  reconstruction time again

Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks For Unreconstructed Homeschoolers

Now that we’ve got the Civil War out of the way, our Christian-school textbooks almost seem to settle down and relax for a bit. They had a lot of ideological axe-grinding to do in discussing the causes of the Civil War, and there’s certainly a fair bit of that left over for Reconstruction, but for the most part, their coverage of the era seems fairly conventional. Needless to say, we’ll focus on the weird stuff. And as usual, our 8th-grade textbook, America: Land I Love (A Beka 1994), is happy to provide some weird. Both Land I Love and our 11th/12th-grade text form Bob Jones University Press, United States History for Christian Schools, portray Abraham Lincoln as wanting a more conciliatory policy toward the former Confederate states than the Radical Republicans in Congress, who largely wanted punitive policies. But Land I Love goes a step further and decides this would be a great opportunity to recast Lincoln as a kind of proto Ronald Reagan — discussing the postwar Freedmen’ Bureau, the book insists: Lincoln believed that government should do only what people cannot do for themselves. Local churches, businessmen, and farmers knew what was best for their own communities. Having been a part of township and county government, President Lincoln wanted most decisions to be made at the local level. We should perhaps be grateful that the authors don’t also have Lincoln announcing, “Government is not the solution to our problem; government IS the problem.” Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks For Unreconstructed Homeschoolers…
  the south's gonna write again

Sundays With The Christianists: Letters To Yr Humble Editor, Confederate Flag Envelope Edition

This week, a Very Special Episode of Sundays With the Christianists, with some special comments from admirers of this feature. Actually, we’re somewhat surprised that, in the year and some weeks we’ve been at this, we haven’t gotten more negative feedback — we appear not to have attracted the attention of the Jesusphere so far, which is occasionally a little disappointing. We’ll just have to try harder/more blasphemous-er. On the other hand, our recent posts on how Christian textbooks cover the Civil War have generated a couple of unhappy comments, which we’re delighted to share with you today. Our first comment comes from “Rebelbill,” who went to the trouble of including a confederate flag avatar on his account, just so we’d have no doubts about where he stands. In reply to our September 1 post, Rebelbill writes: I’ve never heard such a brainwashed crew of cultural marxists. Southern states had the Constitutional right to secede. Lincoln promised the South that he would enshrine slavery forever. No deal. Oh, this should be fun. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: Letters To Yr Humble Editor, Confederate Flag Envelope Edition…
  there's an appomattox for that

Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks For Homeschoolers Marching Through Georgia

We didn’t really intend to spend three weeks on the topic of our Christian textbooks’ coverage of the Civil War. Then again, both the North and South expected the war itself to take only a few months. With all the current talk of a “short, limited air campaign” against Syria, we wonder if maybe there’s a useful metaphor in that? And maybe, while we’re at it, in Mark Twain’s “The War Prayer”? Hahaha, who do we think we are kidding? Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks For Homeschoolers Marching Through Georgia…