By the Comics Curmudgeon
Most people think that bunnies are cute and fuzzy and cuddly and lovable (like beloved Wonkette commenter Naked Bunny With A Whip). Most people are wrong. Within the heart of your run-of-the-mill, carrot-munching rabbit lies a monstrous carnivore that wants nothing more than to tear off your flesh with its razor-sharp incisors and then trample your bones with its unusually large feet. This week in Cartoon Violence, you’ll learn the truth about the rabbits, aka “nature’s terrorists,” and also about nuclear AIDS. MORE »

• THE ONLY PHOTO OF ALAN KEYES PUSHING A SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS STROLLER FULL OF ABORTED CABBAGE PATCH DOLLS YOU’LL NEED TO SEE TODAY: Oh look, nutbar is back at Notre Dame. [New York Times]

In the words of Brian Lamb, the best human being on Earth, “Hey Ross Douthat, you seen this Wonkette thing here?” It’s a post about your New York Times “young lightning rod conservative” opinion column! It is not his debut — maybe second, or third, or fourth — but it’s the first one we’ve read so deal with it okay? It’s not bad! And because he is, again, a “youth,” he throws in many Internet hyperlinks to his sources. Clicky clicky hooray! So this post will be, unfortunately, a Civilized response to one of his points — that the grain of history favors the pro-life movement — which is less fun than just spitting blood at the computer screen, as we did for Bill Kristol. MORE »

Alan Keyes wanted to get arrested at Notre Dame and thrown in jail forever so very much that… well he just COULD NOT WAIT until the actually graduation ceremony in nine days! He and some friends were apprehended on the Notre Dame campus today, for trespassing: “Keyes was among a group of 26 protesters, some of them pushing baby carriages with dolls covered in fake blood.” Is your pscyhology all fucked up now, liberals?! Oh. Anyway all of these folks turned down the $250 bail option and will starve to death in this jail… meaning more abortions for the rest of us! [Chicago Breaking News]

Nah, we’ve read the whole thing, and there’s nothing dirty. Tricksy tricksy Meghan! The column’s called “The GOP Doesn’t Understand Sex” and it’s like, for serious, what is up with the GOP totally not ever talking about sex? What is up with that dudes? But she’s Meghan McCain and she don’t censor nothin’, she’ll write about sex (vaguely) all day long; can you hatin’ bitches even handle that? MORE »

Father to a lesbian Hell Demon and former “Maryland diplomat” Alan Keyes, the self-proclaimed “abortion of politics,” well he’s going to Notre Dame, is what he’s doing, to protest Barack Obama’s upcoming commencement speech alongside the bloody baby carriages and Abortion Planes. Remember that not five years ago, Alan Keyes was Barack Obama’s general election opponent for the United States Senate. Now Obama is president, and Keyes is the obnoxious slob who stands near the back of the auditorium at Obama’s speeches shouting arbitrary, violent Bible verses for a few seconds before getting arrested. And Keyes is really looking forward to getting arrested at Notre Dame and spending the rest of his life in an Indiana county prison. MORE »

This is, as Neal Horsley puts it on YouTube, a “version of the old John Fogerty song,” but about killin’ babies. (The original was about fuckin’ mules.) What comes out sounds kind of like a Woody Guthrie song, but without the cleverness, so it is in fact not like a Woody Guthrie song at all. [YouTube]

By now you should all be familiar with K-Lo’s Papist Army Rebellion at Notre Dame, where wingnuts are mad that President Obama — whose morning routine includes having a MASSIVE partial-birth abortion between potty and tooth-brushing time — will be the University’s commencement speaker. A Wonkette operative in South Bend writes: “How are you not writing about the Abortion Plane?! I’m here at Notre Dame, future speaking site of President Obama (unless he wises up and makes a run for it), and the ever-awesome Center For Bioethical Reform has hired a plane to circle over campus over the last few days, trailing a giant fetus poster.” And in a later e-mail the operative adds, “They brought baby carriages and fake blood, too!” But the best part here is a letter the Center for Bioethical Reform sent in response to one student who had asked them to maybe stop being so annoying. It includes such gems as, “The sewers of South Bend are literally running red with the blood of Notre Dame’s children.” LITERALLY. MORE »

Citizens are taking extreme measures to ensure that they do not bring children into the stinking heap of decaying credit default swaps and sudden mortgage death that used to be called “America.” They are getting abortions and vasectomies all over the place, constantly, and tying tubes of every sort, even useless ones, like the ones in your ears. What does this mean for our next generation of leaders? They will grow up in uncrowded schools, with plenty to eat, provided they survive the current apocalypse. [Reuters]

That Michael Steele, he really is modernizing the Republican Party! You ladies want an abortion? That’s “hip hop” with him! Gays? Hey, not their fault! Rush Limbaugh? Well he’s an ugly clown, but of course Mike is sorry for saying the truth, whoops! Websites? Let’s make them functional! In other words Michael Steele is another Maryland liberal, just as wishy-washy as any Eastern Seaboard cocktail-party Democrat. Some Republicans seem to be very unhappy about him, on the Internet. They’re even throwing out Woody Allen references! MORE »

Five weeks ago, did any of us dream that the new chairman of the Republican Party would offer up such a cornucopia of amazing quotations and comedy opportunities? Who is this guy, with his talk of hip-hop and websites and now “choice”? Does he even know what a Republican is? (He will probably find out soon enough, once the real Republicans make him resign.) MORE »