By the Comics Curmudgeon
Guys, it’s come to my attention that you’re all a bunch of lonely sex-starved losers, and that you turn to your Wonkette for brief glimmers of eroticism that will make your sad, lonely lives feel like they might be worth living again! Also, according to our records (admittedly not updated since March of 2009 or thereabouts), you are all totally hot for Barack Obama, and want to kiss and hug him and make him your boyfriend and also do dirty sex things with him. You will not be able to do any of this, of course, because the president has a phalanx of security goons surrounding him at all times. But some of these cartoons will be the next best thing! MORE »

In just three days, the Colts will take on the Saints in the Super Bowl, America’s best (only?) cultural product, even though it really should be a conquest between the Chargers and the Saints so that your Wonkabout could have won her pool and become a millionaire… But regardless, get excited for some homoerotic fun and teevee commercials that will reminds us to never, ever have an abortion: because all of God’s children grow up to be rich football stars who will never understand what it’s really like to risk death during childbirth, or to rear a child as a working-class single mother.  MORE »

Important National Review torture pope Kathryn Jean Lopez was alone when she went to an anti-abortion rally today. But you can bet your bottom zygote that she won’t go home that way! With which lucky 15-year-old churchy boy will she be stone cold doin’ the Jungle Jesus Boogie Woogie (”raping”)? Be on the lookout, boys. [Twitter via Instaputz]

According to True Democracy, it is good for politicians to remake their positions according to the political will of the body they’re representing. (Maybe! PoliSci 101 was just boring enough for us to drop the shit out of it and read poetry for four years instead. American Politics is easy enough to figure out by reading like two articles per week and not being fully retarded. And yet…) But according to common humanity, Harold Ford Junior is the embodiment of diarrhea. This morning: “I am pro-choice — have always been since I entered politics almost 15 years ago.” In 2006, when he was running as a pro-life candidate: “Let me say this. No, no. I was not pro-choice at one time.” HAROLD, FOR THE LAST (not really) TIME, YOU ARE NOT BARACK OBAMA. [Eschaton]

WHAT KIND OF ABORTION BILL DOESN’T PROPERLY ADDRESS ABORTION? This is quite a line from frumpy prosthetic muppet Ben Nelson, as he’s declaring that he won’t vote for cloture for the latest health care bill, naturally: “There’s a lot of improvement on the legislation but the basic question on funding for abortion hasn’t been answered yet.” Seriously, if Barack Obama wants to pass his signature Abortion Bill so badly, he should probably address *abortion* more fundamentally, before getting sidetracked on all of these little porky $900 billion health care restructuring riders people threw in at the last minute. [The Hill]

By the Comics Curmudgeon
Usually your Comics Curmudgeon approaches his work with a certain lightness of heart. But today is not such a day. Today is a day in which cartoons will be angrily berated for their various failings. Today is the day of wrath, the one foretold by the prophets of ancient times. LET US BEGIN. MORE »

Nebraskan diarrhea puddle Ben Nelson has now issued another aggravating line in the sand for himself on health care reform, because he just really really doesn’t want to vote for it at all: “Sen. Ben Nelson told reporters today he will filibuster the health care bill if it doesn’t contain an abortion amendment similar to Rep. Bart Stupak’s amendment that passed attached to the House health care bill last month.” And why not? He knows he’s got 100% leverage, what with the Founding Fathers’ brilliant political system being broken and all. Next week his litmus test will be “no Negroes spics or Basques can not be aborted on the insurance exchanges” and the Catholic Bishops will love it, because they’re evil. MORE »

• New controversial medical study ensures that cervical cancer will be the breast cancer of next week. One more’s a trendpiece! [New York Times]
• Members of Congress were very busy and shouty last night in trying to decide who they hated more: Obama or Geithner… [Washington Post]
• …while Catholic bishops easily picked Obama. [AP]
• Please do let the nebbishy hypochondriacs in your life know about the Vicks nasal spray recall. Or actually don’t. [CNN]
• Oprah the Human is self-canceling Oprah the Show in September 2011 so she can work on her own cable teevee station side-project. [WSJ]
• US citizens will probably not be allowed to visit Cuba again after all. By and large this should come as a huge relief to any Cuban familiar with American spring break cultural practices.. [The Hill]

The consensus “Democrat to end all Democrats” du jour, Bart Stupak, hates abortion with the fury of a Pharaoh! And thanks to his precious last-minute amendment, authored by the Catholic Bishops of America — people who still believe that wafers and wine turn into the flesh and blood of Jesus Christ when ingested, even after 2000 years of human learning — abortion will be between you and the coathanger, ladies. (If it stands.) Just thought everyone should be reminded that Bartholomew lives in the C Street house with all those Republicans who cheat on their wives, even though John Ensign has moved out, and Chip Pickering is presumably dead. [TPM]

• If you were hoping to buy or rent a bunch of abortions and charge them care of whatever new health care bill ends up passing, this will not be possible! [New York Times]
• China is very upset with the Dalai Lama for going to some Himalayan town that is not technically a part of China but is so close it’s probably at least entertaining the notion. [Washington Post]
• It’s probable that Nidal Malik Hasan acted alone at Ft. Hood. Oh plus President Barack Obama, but other than that, alone, yes. [Wall Street Journal]
• So guess now’s as good a time as any to take a look at mental health policy and practices in the military. [Los Angeles Times]
• Even though Tony Blair will never admit it, he still wants to be the president of the EU. [Times Online]
• Hurricane Ida is the first hurricane to hit America this year. It struck parts of Mississippi, Florida, and New Orleans. All three still exist.  [AP]

Here is overrated piece of performance art Michele Bachmann suggesting on the House floor last night that, you know actually, if you look at the first letter of the first word on each even-numbered page of the latest iteration of the Democrats’ health care bill, it spells out the following: “CHILDREN, TEENAGE CHILDREN, COULD BE HAVING SEX WITH DRUG PEOPLE AND GETTING ABORTIONS FIVE MINUTES LATER, AND REPEATING THESE UNCOUTH SEX TRICKS AD VITAM AETERNAM, AND YOU WOULD BE NONE THE WISER.” It’s true! MORE »

NEWS SHOCKER: Meg Stapleton, holder of the World’s Worst Job as spokeswoman for an increasingly fragile and erratic unemployed publicity hound, had to once again explain at the very last minute how Sarah Palin would not be headlining an event that the event organizers thought she would be headlining. This happens every five days or so, so Meg should probably just have some boilerplate text cooked up to explain these embarrassing incidents. MORE »

Bachmann. She got on some conference call last week with 350,000 people, to tell them Facts. Here’s the gist, of it, according to the Minnesota Independent: “In response to a caller from Minnesota who wanted to know if there was a plan afoot in Washington to require all medical doctors to perform abortions, Bachmann didn’t exactly shoot the suggestion down.” But here was her most urgent message for these people about health care reform: “That’s really where this battle will be won — on our knees in prayer and fasting,” she told the listeners. ‘Remember: faith without works is dead. So we’re asking you to do all of it: pray, fast, believe, trust the Lord, but also act.’” We agree with Bachmann on this one: all of these folks *should* fast! Fast faster, people! Make it a goal to not eat or drink for TWO WEEKS. Big outer space man will be mad if you don’t do this! [Minnesota Independent]

Sexy texter Chuck Grassley assured the Senate Judiciary Committee yesterday that “People always say I have the ability to turn people on.” He said this after a man in the audience jumped up and started shouting about how Sonia Sotomayor was a baby-killer. This sort of outburst is apparently, to at least one Iowa Republican, best interpreted as foreplay. (Thanks Lauri Apple for the very arousing Grassley art.) [The Hill]