• New controversial medical study ensures that cervical cancer will be the breast cancer of next week. One more’s a trendpiece! [New York Times]
• Members of Congress were very busy and shouty last night in trying to decide who they hated more: Obama or Geithner… [Washington Post]
• …while Catholic bishops easily picked Obama. [AP]
• Please do let the nebbishy hypochondriacs in your life know about the Vicks nasal spray recall. Or actually don’t. [CNN]
• Oprah the Human is self-canceling Oprah the Show in September 2011 so she can work on her own cable teevee station side-project. [WSJ]
• US citizens will probably not be allowed to visit Cuba again after all. By and large this should come as a huge relief to any Cuban familiar with American spring break cultural practices.. [The Hill]

The consensus “Democrat to end all Democrats” du jour, Bart Stupak, hates abortion with the fury of a Pharaoh! And thanks to his precious last-minute amendment, authored by the Catholic Bishops of America — people who still believe that wafers and wine turn into the flesh and blood of Jesus Christ when ingested, even after 2000 years of human learning — abortion will be between you and the coathanger, ladies. (If it stands.) Just thought everyone should be reminded that Bartholomew lives in the C Street house with all those Republicans who cheat on their wives, even though John Ensign has moved out, and Chip Pickering is presumably dead. [TPM]

• If you were hoping to buy or rent a bunch of abortions and charge them care of whatever new health care bill ends up passing, this will not be possible! [New York Times]
• China is very upset with the Dalai Lama for going to some Himalayan town that is not technically a part of China but is so close it’s probably at least entertaining the notion. [Washington Post]
• It’s probable that Nidal Malik Hasan acted alone at Ft. Hood. Oh plus President Barack Obama, but other than that, alone, yes. [Wall Street Journal]
• So guess now’s as good a time as any to take a look at mental health policy and practices in the military. [Los Angeles Times]
• Even though Tony Blair will never admit it, he still wants to be the president of the EU. [Times Online]
• Hurricane Ida is the first hurricane to hit America this year. It struck parts of Mississippi, Florida, and New Orleans. All three still exist.  [AP]

Here is overrated piece of performance art Michele Bachmann suggesting on the House floor last night that, you know actually, if you look at the first letter of the first word on each even-numbered page of the latest iteration of the Democrats’ health care bill, it spells out the following: “CHILDREN, TEENAGE CHILDREN, COULD BE HAVING SEX WITH DRUG PEOPLE AND GETTING ABORTIONS FIVE MINUTES LATER, AND REPEATING THESE UNCOUTH SEX TRICKS AD VITAM AETERNAM, AND YOU WOULD BE NONE THE WISER.” It’s true! MORE »

NEWS SHOCKER: Meg Stapleton, holder of the World’s Worst Job as spokeswoman for an increasingly fragile and erratic unemployed publicity hound, had to once again explain at the very last minute how Sarah Palin would not be headlining an event that the event organizers thought she would be headlining. This happens every five days or so, so Meg should probably just have some boilerplate text cooked up to explain these embarrassing incidents. MORE »

Bachmann. She got on some conference call last week with 350,000 people, to tell them Facts. Here’s the gist, of it, according to the Minnesota Independent: “In response to a caller from Minnesota who wanted to know if there was a plan afoot in Washington to require all medical doctors to perform abortions, Bachmann didn’t exactly shoot the suggestion down.” But here was her most urgent message for these people about health care reform: “That’s really where this battle will be won — on our knees in prayer and fasting,” she told the listeners. ‘Remember: faith without works is dead. So we’re asking you to do all of it: pray, fast, believe, trust the Lord, but also act.’” We agree with Bachmann on this one: all of these folks *should* fast! Fast faster, people! Make it a goal to not eat or drink for TWO WEEKS. Big outer space man will be mad if you don’t do this! [Minnesota Independent]

Sexy texter Chuck Grassley assured the Senate Judiciary Committee yesterday that “People always say I have the ability to turn people on.” He said this after a man in the audience jumped up and started shouting about how Sonia Sotomayor was a baby-killer. This sort of outburst is apparently, to at least one Iowa Republican, best interpreted as foreplay. (Thanks Lauri Apple for the very arousing Grassley art.) [The Hill]

Got plans this week? Yes you do! You are going to this thing, the “Defeat Sotomayor” Road Show, sponsored by anti-abortion nut Randall Terry’s “Operation Rescue.” No abortions allowed here! The main event will feature this alien cyborg shooting silly string at all the pregnant ladies, as a blessing. (Before killing them all!) [ThinkProgress]

• NEW INSANE NIXON TAPES: Uh oh, the National Archives has released another 150 hours of tape from the Nixon Administration! THESE ARE ALWAYS INSPIRING. What did he think about abortion hmm? “‘There are times when an abortion is necessary. I know that. When you have a black and a white,’ he told an aide, before adding: ‘Or a rape.’” Eh, rape is questionable; best to just save it for the mulattoes. [NYT]

It’s your lucky day! Much better than the “buy one, get one free” commemoration up in Boston. [Twitter]

No comment necessary, as this is America. [YouTube]