Here is overrated piece of performance art Michele Bachmann suggesting on the House floor last night that, you know actually, if you look at the first letter of the first word on each even-numbered page of the latest iteration of the Democrats’ health care bill, it spells out the following: “CHILDREN, TEENAGE CHILDREN, COULD BE HAVING SEX WITH DRUG PEOPLE AND GETTING ABORTIONS FIVE MINUTES LATER, AND REPEATING THESE UNCOUTH SEX TRICKS AD VITAM AETERNAM, AND YOU WOULD BE NONE THE WISER.” It’s true! MORE »

NEWS SHOCKER: Meg Stapleton, holder of the World’s Worst Job as spokeswoman for an increasingly fragile and erratic unemployed publicity hound, had to once again explain at the very last minute how Sarah Palin would not be headlining an event that the event organizers thought she would be headlining. This happens every five days or so, so Meg should probably just have some boilerplate text cooked up to explain these embarrassing incidents. MORE »

Bachmann. She got on some conference call last week with 350,000 people, to tell them Facts. Here’s the gist, of it, according to the Minnesota Independent: “In response to a caller from Minnesota who wanted to know if there was a plan afoot in Washington to require all medical doctors to perform abortions, Bachmann didn’t exactly shoot the suggestion down.” But here was her most urgent message for these people about health care reform: “That’s really where this battle will be won — on our knees in prayer and fasting,” she told the listeners. ‘Remember: faith without works is dead. So we’re asking you to do all of it: pray, fast, believe, trust the Lord, but also act.’” We agree with Bachmann on this one: all of these folks *should* fast! Fast faster, people! Make it a goal to not eat or drink for TWO WEEKS. Big outer space man will be mad if you don’t do this! [Minnesota Independent]

Sexy texter Chuck Grassley assured the Senate Judiciary Committee yesterday that “People always say I have the ability to turn people on.” He said this after a man in the audience jumped up and started shouting about how Sonia Sotomayor was a baby-killer. This sort of outburst is apparently, to at least one Iowa Republican, best interpreted as foreplay. (Thanks Lauri Apple for the very arousing Grassley art.) [The Hill]

Got plans this week? Yes you do! You are going to this thing, the “Defeat Sotomayor” Road Show, sponsored by anti-abortion nut Randall Terry’s “Operation Rescue.” No abortions allowed here! The main event will feature this alien cyborg shooting silly string at all the pregnant ladies, as a blessing. (Before killing them all!) [ThinkProgress]

• NEW INSANE NIXON TAPES: Uh oh, the National Archives has released another 150 hours of tape from the Nixon Administration! THESE ARE ALWAYS INSPIRING. What did he think about abortion hmm? “‘There are times when an abortion is necessary. I know that. When you have a black and a white,’ he told an aide, before adding: ‘Or a rape.’” Eh, rape is questionable; best to just save it for the mulattoes. [NYT]

It’s your lucky day! Much better than the “buy one, get one free” commemoration up in Boston. [Twitter]

No comment necessary, as this is America. [YouTube]

By the Comics Curmudgeon
Most people think that bunnies are cute and fuzzy and cuddly and lovable (like beloved Wonkette commenter Naked Bunny With A Whip). Most people are wrong. Within the heart of your run-of-the-mill, carrot-munching rabbit lies a monstrous carnivore that wants nothing more than to tear off your flesh with its razor-sharp incisors and then trample your bones with its unusually large feet. This week in Cartoon Violence, you’ll learn the truth about the rabbits, aka “nature’s terrorists,” and also about nuclear AIDS. MORE »

• THE ONLY PHOTO OF ALAN KEYES PUSHING A SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS STROLLER FULL OF ABORTED CABBAGE PATCH DOLLS YOU’LL NEED TO SEE TODAY: Oh look, nutbar is back at Notre Dame. [New York Times]

In the words of Brian Lamb, the best human being on Earth, “Hey Ross Douthat, you seen this Wonkette thing here?” It’s a post about your New York Times “young lightning rod conservative” opinion column! It is not his debut — maybe second, or third, or fourth — but it’s the first one we’ve read so deal with it okay? It’s not bad! And because he is, again, a “youth,” he throws in many Internet hyperlinks to his sources. Clicky clicky hooray! So this post will be, unfortunately, a Civilized response to one of his points — that the grain of history favors the pro-life movement — which is less fun than just spitting blood at the computer screen, as we did for Bill Kristol. MORE »