WORLD NEWS ANCHOR CHARLIE GIBSON IS QUITTING. Someone at ABC will now go to the Good Morning America studio, find Diane Sawyer, and shuffle her down the hall to replace him. Sawyer can probably just stay seated in whatever chair she uses over there during this exciting transition process, provided it’s one of those rolly ones. [ABC News]

Major discovery in the 2004 CIA inspector general’s report on torture for which ABC News gets sole credit, MUST GIVE THE CREDITS TO ABC NEWS: Dick Cheney is secretly Jesus. This is why he wears the Golden Jesus Halo Crown of the CIA! Also: That second story? It’s Dick Cheney. And we’ll take our $25,000 “Ensign Style,” in three separate checks, to avoid declaring it as income. [ABC News]

Oh, George Will, what will offend your delicate sensibilities next? Last night, our nation’s remaining bow-tied commentator complained about Obama and wingnut Senator Tom Coburn sharing a loving embrace. When did all this “straight” male hugging start, George? Oh, we don’t know, maybe the 1948 World Series or the 1955 World Series or something? Check one of those baseball books you fart out every couple of months. [ABC News/Media Matters]

And aren’t we going to miss this guy, Mr. Richard Cheney? Here’s your “vice” president talking about his proudest moment: Authorizing the anti-American and unconstitutional torture of terror suspect. The 9/11 attacks didn’t “change” him, they just made him more right about everything! [ABC News]

Tomorrow night at 8pm on the teevee Barack Obama will give a LIVE Ginsu Knife demonstration and then show how Proactiv cleared up his terrible pustulent acne so that he could be president. That is his “closing argument!” BUT! You poor slobs who only get the ABC on your televisions will be out of luck, because ABC programming goons dicked around too long to accept Obama’s offer of a gazillion dollars in exchange for 30 minutes of air time. Too bad for you. For the rest of the nation, your Wonkette editors will helpfully liveblog whatever the hell is on ABC, some show about dead people?, while the Hopey hawks his cheap “change ‘n’ Marxism” Bedazzler on every other channel ever invented. MORE »

This New Depression has gotten off to a swimming start! Now that nobody has any homes or monies or televisions and the election is almost over, there will be no news anymore, so ABC News is instituting some DRACONIAN cost-cutting measures. No holiday parties, no more “paying for meals for impoverished tech crews on location” type nonsense, and freelancers are seeing their hours cut cut cut. MORE »

Excerpts have leaked from Charlie Gibson’s first of three interviews with Sarah Palin, which will be aired in some form tonight on his ABC News show. We were expecting a puffy sort of chit-chat, and it mostly is, except for the part where they talk about WAR WITH FREAKING RUSSIA. Now, when you run around saying Georgia and Ukraine should be let into NATO — as both John McCain and Barack Obama do — as some reward for establishing a vaguely democratic government, that’s much more than a harmless platitude — there are actual, real-world implications! No one has really bothered to push McCain or Obama on this, which is why it’s so hilarious that Gibson pushed Palin on it during her first big interview. And she fucked up. MORE »

• WATCH YR CORNHOLE BUD: Ha, this dude we met at a cigar and liquor (and dildo) party the other night was comically arrested, covering “the role of corporate lobbyists and wealthy donors at the convention for a series of Money Trail reports” for ABC News. Well, when we saw him, he was just throwin’ those drinks down and taking pictures of the bar band, and smoking cigars. Then again there were creepy members of Congress there sidling up to the (surprising amount of) hot ass in town. But now our poor friend from ABC News is in jail for taking their pictures. We’ll see you on the other side, Asa. [TV Newser]

• OH DON’T MIND US, LADIES: Hey Matt Jaffe and Rick Klein of ABC “News,” did we st-st-stutter when we wrote this story like a million years ago with “Must Credit Wonkette And Its Tipster, ‘John’” in the headline? No, and now “John” is sobbing, probably. JAKE TAPPER would’ve credited us because HE’S THE MAN and ADORABLE. [ABC "Lose"]

For those of you that were upset with George Stephanopoulos’ performance in the April 16 Democratic debate, you’ll now get a chance to be upset again! Georgie’s Sunday morning ABC teevee show, This Week, will broadcast live from Indiana with Hillary Clinton in a town hall setting. What questions will George throw in the mix this time? “Do you think that Jeremiah Wright, who is running for president in a big-nosed Barack Obama outfit, has bombed any Americas recently?” [Michael Calderone]

Red alert! It appears Kos and his liberal netroots have breached the inner circle of ABC News’ George Stephanopoulos and killed him to death. He is a Greek “white ethnic” so that is a Hate Crime. George Stephanopoulos was 16 years old. [YouTube]