Tag: abc news

This fucking guy

World’s Great Memory Haver Donald Trump Not Sure If He Ever Met Vladimir Putin, Yeah, That’s The Ticket!

Republican nominee Donald Trump had the best weekend, y'all, simply yuuge. Not satisfied with merely smearing the grieving mother of a fallen American hero, Trump used a Sunday network show to flash his foreign policy chops and cement his reputation...

Worst Restaurant Customers Ever Start Brawl Over Employee Smiling At Them

We write a lot about terrible restaurant customers; it's kind of our thing. We would venture to suggest ours is somewhat of an expert opinion on this particular subject. As such, understand what it means when we say we...

New Hampshire Paper Regrets Endorsing Chris Christie, Must Have Been Drunk

Sometimes you do really stupid stuff that seemed like a great idea at the time, but you come to regret: falling in love with a psycho who never returns your black T-shirt, getting a tattoo under your navel that...
Didn't we just do this?

These Idiots Again, Minus Some Idiots: Your New Hampshire Republican Debate Open Thread!

Hey, just to prove that Democrats aren't the only party to hold debates on a weekend evening when nobody except political junkies and shut-ins -- hahaha, like there is a difference! -- will be watching, there is actually a...
blood meridian 2015

Walmart Has To Pay $31 Million For Retaliation-Firing An Employee, Hooray!

There needs to be a special term for schadenfreude where Walmart is concerned. Sure, we love to see bad things happen to most big companies, but seeing Walmart taken to task for its heinous treatment of employees is satisfying...

Carly Fiorina: Sure, I’m A Liar, But Argle Bargle Liberal Media Grrr Argh

GOP presidential hopeful Carly Fiorina just loves her juicy fibs. Bill Clinton's wife has never been criticized for her appearance for basically all of the last 25 years. She WATCHED THE VIDEO! of Planned Parenthood doing bad things that she could not have...
He Stopped Making Sense long ago

Scuzzy Child-Rehoming Rep. Justin Harris Got Himself On National Teevee!

Remember skeevy Arkansas state Rep. Justin Harris, who made big news earlier this year when it was revealed that he and his wife Marsha had "rehomed" two little girls they'd adopted because the girls were either suffering from "reactive...
We're gonna need a bigger cross. Seriously, she can't get up on there!

Maybe Kim Davis’s Gay Friend Will Visit Her When She Goes Back To Jail

Oh, Kim Davis, we somehow knew you wouldn't fade gently back into obscurity, and we certainly knew you wouldn't wake up with any bright ideas like, "Maybe I should do my fucking job today!" Davis is heading back to...
On to Plan B. Or C. Or D. Or ...

Now Rand Paul Wants Congress To Find Dirt On Hillary Clinton For Him

This is just getting sad. After promising A Big Reveal in the coming weeks about how the Clinton Foundation did Something Bad, only to beg the internet to try to find some Something Bad stuff and fax it to him...
Tonight he texts with the fishes

BREAKING EXCLUSIVE OMG: Democrats Send Aggressive Emails To Coordinate Stuff

Prepare to be shocked. ABC News has an EXCLUSIVE!!! story that will blow your mind and make you question everything you know about America and democracy. Or at least make you question why the hell this is “news”: For the...

ABC News And Center For Public Integrity Slapping Each Other Silly In Nerdiest Bitchfight Ever

Remember how we ignored the Pulitzers because US Airways tweeted a picture of a lady with a plane in her vajayjay? Turns out the Center for Public Integrity won for a series on how the medical profession screws over...

ABC Reporter Worries Whether Constitution Allows President To Be Interviewed By Comedians

ABC News Professional Journalist Jim Avila had some very serious questions for White House Press Secretary Jay Carney today about Barack Obama's brief interview with comedy human Zach Galifianakis. Avila seemed really worried about it, if none too lucid: "How...

Doctors Prove George W. Bush Has A Heart; Repair It For Him

We like snark, and sometimes we pick on people because they do really dumb things that make this country worser and worserer. However, even if we dislike people’s policies, actions, accents, and pinky fingers, we respect everyone as a...

Fox News Was Right About Benghazi All Along and Probably Everything Else Too

Impeach! Impeach! IMPEACH! Everything terrible you ever believed about our tyrannical gun-grabbing socialist Muslim foreign-born gay president has turned out to be true, according to the latest expose on Solyndra Fast and Furious Benghazi from ABC News: ABC News has...

Learn ABC’s 11 Weird Tricks To Surviving A Mass Shooting!

Mass shootings! It is like, they are everywhere, lol! And when someone comes at you with 14 guns and 5,000 rounds of ammunition right after they got out of prison for murdering their wife and inlaws, because seeing if...

Get Well Soon, Jerry Brown!

ABC News reports that California Governor Jerry Brown is undergoing treatment for prostate cancer, OH NO! News of Governor Brown's illness came courtesy of an ABC News alert right to our inbox (VIP Y'ALL), and was under stories about...