Tag Archives: abc news

  Maybe THIS will work

Now Rand Paul Wants Congress To Find Dirt On Hillary Clinton For Him

On to Plan B. Or C. Or D. Or ...
This is just getting sad. After promising A Big Reveal in the coming weeks about how the Clinton Foundation did Something Bad, only to beg the internet to try to find some Something Bad stuff and fax it to him please, now Rand Paul wants Congress to do his opposition research for him: Read more on Now Rand Paul Wants Congress To Find Dirt On Hillary Clinton For Him…
  media circus

ABC News And Center For Public Integrity Slapping Each Other Silly In Nerdiest Bitchfight Ever

Remember how we ignored the Pulitzers because US Airways tweeted a picture of a lady with a plane in her vajayjay? Turns out the Center for Public Integrity won for a series on how the medical profession screws over black lung patients. Now ABC wants a piece of that Pulitzer too. Read more on ABC News And Center For Public Integrity Slapping Each Other Silly In Nerdiest Bitchfight Ever…
  epic concern trolling

ABC Reporter Worries Whether Constitution Allows President To Be Interviewed By Comedians

ABC News Professional Journalist Jim Avila had some very serious questions for White House Press Secretary Jay Carney today about Barack Obama’s brief interview with comedy human Zach Galifianakis. Avila seemed really worried about it, if none too lucid: “How much discussion was there in the White House about the dignity of the office and whether or not, in order to reach these people who don’t watch us at 6:30, or who don’t watch this briefing … how much the dignity of the office might be lost? This is an interview like no other probably ever done by a president.” Good question! After all, the website is called “Funny or Die,” and if people didn’t laugh, might not Obama die? But Carney simply noted that the webcast appearance was a chance to “reach Americans who don’t necessarily get information about HealthCare.gov from evening news broadcasts or from the newspapers.” Still, Avila was not reassured, and asked again, “I understand the purpose, but was the presidency in any way damaged?” This is a serious question from a serious journalist, and deserves a completely serious answer. Read more on ABC Reporter Worries Whether Constitution Allows President To Be Interviewed By Comedians…
  nice time!

Doctors Prove George W. Bush Has A Heart; Repair It For Him

We like snark, and sometimes we pick on people because they do really dumb things that make this country worser and worserer. However, even if we dislike people’s policies, actions, accents, and pinky fingers, we respect everyone as a HUMAN BEAN. With that preamble out of the way, we are happy that George W. Bush is recovering from successful heart surgery, per ABC News: Former President George W. Bush has successfully undergone a heart procedure after doctors discovered a blockage in an artery. The doctor said that the blockage was opened with no complications, and the 43rd President should be able to return home on Wednesday.  Read more on Doctors Prove George W. Bush Has A Heart; Repair It For Him…
  Each Benghazi More Benghazi Than the Last

Fox News Was Right About Benghazi All Along and Probably Everything Else Too

Impeach! Impeach! IMPEACH! Everything terrible you ever believed about our tyrannical gun-grabbing socialist Muslim foreign-born gay president has turned out to be true, according to the latest expose on Solyndra Fast and Furious Benghazi from ABC News: ABC News has obtained 12 different versions of the talking points that show they were extensively edited as they evolved from the drafts first written entirely by the CIA to the final version distributed to Congress and to U.S. Ambassador to the U.N. Susan Rice before she appeared on five talk shows the Sunday after that attack. Read more on Fox News Was Right About Benghazi All Along and Probably Everything Else Too…
  not afraid to be servicey

Learn ABC’s 11 Weird Tricks To Surviving A Mass Shooting!

Mass shootings! It is like, they are everywhere, lol! And when someone comes at you with 14 guns and 5,000 rounds of ammunition right after they got out of prison for murdering their wife and inlaws, because seeing if someone is a law abiding citizen before selling them weapons discriminates against people who are law abiding citizens (MATH SCIENCE OF WORDS!), well, you are probably going to die! Hey what can you do, right? Well, according to ABC “News,” there are 11 things you can do, because it is ever so much easier to survive a mass shooting than it is to do something about it that poll unskewer Heidi Heitkamp’s constituents do not like. Read more on Learn ABC’s 11 Weird Tricks To Surviving A Mass Shooting!…
  because we say so

Get Well Soon, Jerry Brown!

ABC News reports that California Governor Jerry Brown is undergoing treatment for prostate cancer, OH NO! News of Governor Brown’s illness came courtesy of an ABC News alert right to our inbox (VIP Y’ALL), and was under stories about Chris Christie being fat, Hillary Clinton being too old in 2016 to run (your Wonkette is afraid that this is so, same goes for our much-loved Old Handsome Joe Biden, as he has “Old” right there in his name), and Hillary Clinton’s hair. Let’s read about Hillary Clinton’s hair some, shall we? From Dana Hughes report – “It’s longer than it has been previously, and that, Clinton told Walters, is by design. “I do not travel with any hairdresser, or anybody, to help me do that, and I’m not very competent myself. I’ve been admitting that for years, which should be obvious to everyone,” Clinton joked. “And so it became simpler to just grow it so that I can pull it back, and I can stick rollers in,” said Clinton calling the conversation “girl talk” between her and Walters. Rather than being annoyed by all the talk about her hair and appearance Clinton said she finds it amusing. “It’s fascinating to me how people are so curious about it. Because after a while, it just got to be really burdensome to try to find a hairdresser in some city, somewhere, oftentimes not being able to speak English, that at least I could communicate with,” she told Walters. “So, I said enough, we’re just going to try to go with as simple as possible.” Shut the fuck up, ABC News. Read more on Get Well Soon, Jerry Brown!…
  you're kidding us

ABC News Should Fire Brian Ross, And Other Notes On Being Terrible

There are 12 people dead and 50 injured at a movie theater in Colorado, including a baby. It’s not as though you can’t look into a suspect’s history after a massacre and report things as they’re confirmed. That’s what the media should do! What the media, and every idiot on the Twitter, should not do, is first seek out a narrow angle that probably has nothing to do with crazy people going crazy — say, “what political party is this insane person in?” — and then get it wrong out of pure laziness. This matters. Let’s shame some people. First up: ABC News should fire Brian Ross. Read more on ABC News Should Fire Brian Ross, And Other Notes On Being Terrible…
  chilling narratives

Latest Obama Web Ad: Bill Clinton Rambles For 90 Seconds

How does Bill Clinton always finagle his way into everything? Here’s an ad for the Barack Obama Presidential Campaign in which we find… Bill Clinton babbling for 90 seconds. Sure, why not. He’s like “Yep’m indeedy, Obama sure killed that Osama feller alright. Would Mitt Romney have done that? Ehh maybe.” Silly Bill Clinton. Don’t you know that Obama and his surrogates are not allowed to mention this popular thing he did in his bid for reelection? Read more on Latest Obama Web Ad: Bill Clinton Rambles For 90 Seconds…
  worse than seeing a mexican

Jester’s Reporte: HRH ‘Patty’ Noonington Is A Communist

Good heavens! This electronick “ABCNews.com” reporte suggesteth that regent-lord HRH Peggington Noonington, chief wordsmithingtonshire of the Wall Street Journal banking pamphlet, is a Communiste, as though She keepeth court with textile-craffters or Chicagoe Africkans. Read more on Jester’s Reporte: HRH ‘Patty’ Noonington Is A Communist…
  where's the crying child?

Rick Santorum Announces Candidacy To Crowd of Invisible Supporters

President of Angry Fetuses Rick Santorum announced on teevee this morning that he is also running for President of the United States. Watch out, Mittens! Santorum went on ABC News and stood in front of an empty building to deliver his message, which is about as exciting as you would imagine. Does he know how these things work? You have to tell everyone beforehand. Has Rick Santorum heard of e-mail? No, he only communicates with the aborted children in his imagination, his only real fans. Is he talking to them right now? Is that why Santorum continually refers to himself in the plural? Let’s watch this sad/hilarious video. Read more on Rick Santorum Announces Candidacy To Crowd of Invisible Supporters…
  making peter jennings proud

Breathless ABC News Press Release: Our Cameras Caught Gabby Giffords!

Here’s a disgusting little “BREAKING” press release we just got: “Hey guys – Wanted to make sure you saw these first pictures of Gabrielle Giffords since the tragic shooting. Please link back to story and video below if you use.” We sure will, ABC News! Wow, you really tricked that congresswoman who got shot through the head, huh? Bet she wasn’t expecting your paparazzi around that corner sticking a camera in her wounds! You should be very proud of this accomplishment! Read more on Breathless ABC News Press Release: Our Cameras Caught Gabby Giffords!…
  famous comedians

Dumb Dana Milbank/WaPo Online Team Already Break Palin Pledge

Dana Milbank has declared that he will not talk about Sarah Palin in February, in order to get media attention. It’s working! Until he posted this yesterday: “I survived Day One of my February Sarah Palin moratorium, defeating the evil plans of ABC News’s Rick Klein. Only 27 days to go…” Yeah, that’s him mentioning Sarah Palin. But wait! Update! “The sentence as written above was posted by an editor, not Dana. So Dana’s moratorium remains intact.” However, this post still says “By Dana Milbank” at top and bottom. So are all of Dana Milbank’s columns written by “an editor,” or just this one? And why can’t the Washington Post‘s awful Geocities-meets-Soviet-Russia website just change the author on this post? Read more on Dumb Dana Milbank/WaPo Online Team Already Break Palin Pledge…
  repetitive children

American Public Sick of Telling Pollsters It Doesn’t Like Sarah Palin

Did you hear there is a new poll out today about infamous white person Sarah Palin and the office of the presidency? There is! “What is this, a day of the week?” you ask. Yes, it is. According to an ABC News/Washington Post poll (two news organizations wanted to pay for this dumb thing), six in ten Americans would never even think about voting Sarah Palin for president. So that’s nice. But this is the same result that has been occurring for months on end, and yet pollsters still are asking this question pretty much daily, because a news story manufactured out of a poll about Palin running for president is the closest thing they will get to her making a nip slip. And thus the American people are sick of being asked about her in a never-ending Dr. Seuss sort of way. Read more on American Public Sick of Telling Pollsters It Doesn’t Like Sarah Palin…