abc

Sup, ABC News? Is there anything in the world you could possibly try to twist into a news story during a holiday news week? “Obama Golfing In Hawaii With Pal Arrested in Prostitution Sting”? Sure, that should do it. Let us learn more about this shocking news, that Obama knows a dude who did sex [...]

Did you know that movies aren’t real, and that it is very hard to act like Bruce Willis and shoot bad guys and toss off snarky quips all casual-like and not get killed in the process?

Isn’t it wonderful to live in the land of socialized health care, where You People can all go to the ER of our local hospitals and receive medical services that everyone else pays for? As Mitt pointed out, “If someone has a heart attack, they don’t sit in their apartment and die. We pick them [...]

Here, enjoy this video of Chris Christie screaming at a reporter from New York who has the NERVE to ask him a follow-up question about the foreclosure fund. Why is New Jersey dead-last in the nation in terms of implementing a bunch of programs to help homeowners avoid foreclosure, the reporter may have wanted to [...]

Comedy chuckwagon Newt Gingrich got a ton of mileage out of his cranky and peevish take-down of CNN’s John King, and by extension the whole of the liberal media empire. (And for Gingrich’s gross vehicle weight rating, tons of mileage don’t come cheap!) You will recall that ABC was scheduled to air an interview with [...]

Teevee’s absolute worst offense against humankind “Dancing With the Stars” is now also teevee’s worst offense against that other section of beings “the teabaggers,”  because one of the illiterate trolls in Andrew Breitbart’s stable of typing tumors at BigHollywood.com just, uh, happened to notice some costume designer dude on the show picking up a gorilla [...]

Tim “Who Cares?” Pawlenty is in trouble now, because his hopeless campaign couldn’t even make a lousy commercial the right way. This campaign ad he made, “The American Comeback,” is funny because first of all, a “comeback” is the opposite of what Tim Pawlenty has achieved. Secondly, Tim Pawlenty’s attempt to ruin everyone’s memory of [...]

ABC News released an e-mail they sent to human poop-leech Andrew Breitbart this afternoon telling him he now cannot take part in their election coverage tonight even though America will miss his expertise in accusing minorities of racism. They definitely wanted Breitbart to participate in their online coverage, they say, but they were sick of [...]

Seeing as it was just days away from the midterms, people who do polling seriously and for a living decided it was high time they collect some numbers on the most important election happening this campaign season. And that election, of course, is a U.S. presidential election pitting Comedy Central characters Jon Stewart and Stephen [...]

Vay-cay-shun, all he ever wan-ted! Va-ca-tion, haaaaad to geeet awaaaaay! These are lyrics from an ancient funeral dirge that Barack Obama never sang or thought of while on vacation, probably, even though this was a hit song when he was in high school, in Kenya. Anyway, he’s backsies from the Vineyard just in time for [...]

Oh, remember that ABC News story from Monday about how terrorists were doing a “dry run” (no semen) on some airplanes? No, you don’t, as Wonkette is your only news source, and we <3 the Muslins, so we can’t report anything negative about them. Well, Brian Ross said two Yemeni-born American residents taped a cell-phone [...]

GREAT-GRANDSON OF BIG FUCKIN' RUSS  4:02 pm January 13, 2010

by Jim Newell

HAHAHHA LUKE RUSSERT FOR ABC’S SUNDAY MORNING SHOW! Look everyone, unsubstantiated rumors from some ABC News employee about replacing George Stephanopoulos on This Week: “A prominent ABC political pundit said grabbing [Luke] Russert would be a major play to shake up the Sunday shows. Speaking on background, the pundit told Whispers: ‘It’s a great time [...]

Oh jesus christ, we think Michael Steele may have finally pushed himself into a position where firing becomes a near-future possibility, but what the hell do we know? It’s been quite a day for Steele, “the black Barack Obama.” First he canceled an ABC interview at the last minute. Reports came in that there was [...]

Former Clintonite insider George Stephanopoulos will replace former Nixonite insider Diane Sawyer on ABC’s important hard-hitting American morning newsmagazine Good Morning America. Stephanopoulos is notorious for the most groundbreaking journalistic coup of the 21st century: “twitterviewing” John McCain and getting him to admit that “if the president does it, that means that it is not [...]

Brian Ross is a national treasure because he is an actual investigative journalist who investigates things. He got this gal who ran a Wall Street hooker ring to turn over her client list, and boy howdy! It is full of, uh, bankers. Probably very interesting to people who know anything about Wall Street! Anyway, many [...]


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