Tag Archives: abc

  Lowry's Reasoned Assault

Ladies! National Review’s Rich Lowry Will Jam His Tongue Down Your Throat, For Freedom!

Never been forcibly kissed
National Review editor Rich Lowry would just like everyone to calm down, because there is no problem with sexual assault on college campuses. In an appearance on ABC’s This Week yesterday, he was just delighted to announce that, because there were problems with some of the reporting in Rolling Stone’s story on rape at University of Virginia, there is now actually no problem whatsoever with that fine institution. Lowry explained, Read more on Ladies! National Review’s Rich Lowry Will Jam His Tongue Down Your Throat, For Freedom!…
  We Don't Interrupt This Program...

Today’s Top Network Excuses For Not Running Obama’s Immigration Speech (1. He’s Black) Updated!

Now it's a few hundred, and still nothin' on.
Update/new development: Yr. Wonkette is psychic once again! (see end of post) Barry Bamz is going to single-handedly overthrow the rule of law tonight, but the teevee networks have decided not to carry the speech, because come on, it’s only a presidential speech, and those are lame. Or maybe they’re too partisan, according to some guy who writes a really overheated column at Politico: Read more on Today’s Top Network Excuses For Not Running Obama’s Immigration Speech (1. He’s Black) Updated!…
  our liberal media

Laura Inghraham To Bring Her Special Blend Of Hate And Stupid To ABC News

Hissing hate module Laura Ingraham will be joining the roundtable on ABC’s This Week With George Stephanopoulos, apparently because they need someone who’s got the guts to celebrate the 50th anniversary of the March on Washington by cutting off a recording of a speech by John Lewis with the sound of a gunshot. Or maybe they need someone with a keen analytical mind that recognizes the uncanny parallels between Obamacare and standing in a car rental line. Or maybe she won the spot with her witty observation that Sonia Sotomayor prefers the term “undocumented immigrants” to “illegal aliens” because, as a Puerto Rican person, Sotomayor’s “allegiance obviously goes to her, you know, immigrant family background, not to the U.S. Constitution.” Beats us. Maybe Stephanopoulos just wants Ingraham to wear a red dress and sing “I like to be een A-mer-ee-ca!” Read more on Laura Inghraham To Bring Her Special Blend Of Hate And Stupid To ABC News…
  a hot time in the old town

Dana Loesch Will Be On The View As Soon As ABC Installs Shatterproof Lenses In All Its Cameras

Set your DVRs, people! Squealing rage nymph Dana Loesch will be a guest co-host on ABC’s daytime television drama for ladies The View on February 3, which is…(checks calendar) Monday! Holy shit! We have to buy a DVR! And a TV! Yuck. Maybe we’re old-fashioned but we still like to imagine daytime TV through a soft and fuzzy filter, a place where Ellen DeGeneres can thrive or those nice ladies Hoda and Kathie Lee can do some day-drinking on camera and giggle and fall all over themselves like a couple of excitable puppies. Imagine the conversation in the production offices of The View that led to this decision. Read more on Dana Loesch Will Be On The View As Soon As ABC Installs Shatterproof Lenses In All Its Cameras…
  moynihan retort

George Will Explains How Single Moms Make Martin Luther King Jr. Cry

Windsor-knotted colostomy bag George Will took the occasion of the upcoming 50th anniversary of the March on Washington For Jobs and Freedom to explain that there’s a very simple reason that there’s an economic disparity between whites and blacks: Black ladies are birthin’ too many babies without a man in the hizzouse. On This Week With George Stephanopoulos, delightfully named WaPo journalist Dan Balz said, “We forget that this was the March for Jobs and Justice [sic] … There has been tremendous progress, there’s no question about that, in all the ways we’re talking about. But the persistence of the gap between white wealth and black wealth, white income and black income, is something that has stayed almost constant for the past two decades.” Nuh-uh, replied Will, dazzling the panel with the exact same analysis that he provided four weeks ago in discussing Detroit’s bankruptcy: “The events to which you refer were foreshadowed by something eight months after the march … A young social scientist from Harvard working in the Labor Department published a report. His name was Daniel Patrick Moynihan. He said, ‘There is a crisis in the African American community, because 24% of African American children are born to unmarried women.’ Today it’s tripled to 72%. That, and not an absence of rights, is surely the biggest impediment.” We were impressed by Will’s vast oversimplification of the 1965 “Moynihan Report,” as well as his simple faith that it was the only legitimate social science research ever to address the question. But what really got our attention was his subsequent proof of his mastery of causal relationships, in which he smashed an egg and did unspeakable things to a chicken. Read more on George Will Explains How Single Moms Make Martin Luther King Jr. Cry…
  kids these days I tells ya

Peggy Noonan Does Not Care For Your Babby-Murdering, Young Lady

America, Dame Peggy Noonan has some seriously mixed feelings about Wendy Davis. On the one hand, she’s very impressed with “the story of this young woman, she’s so spirited. You know, she has such energy and she seems to have such commitment.” You know, the young woman who is 50 years old and has been in the Texas Senate for four years, after a decade of serving on the Fort Worth City Council, the sweet li’l thing. Sure, her youthful passion is admirable, but these kids, what do they know? Especially those 50-year-old teen moms who have learned nothing from their experience? Then again, dame Peggy was in her mid-30’s when she wrote words for Ronald Reagan to say, so maybe she knows about how young women get carried away with their passion for politics and spew a bunch of ideas they regret with maturity? Read more on Peggy Noonan Does Not Care For Your Babby-Murdering, Young Lady…
  prostitution whores

ABC News Stops The Presses: Obama Has A Friend Who Did Sex To A Hooker

Sup, ABC News? Is there anything in the world you could possibly try to twist into a news story during a holiday news week? “Obama Golfing In Hawaii With Pal Arrested in Prostitution Sting”? Sure, that should do it. Let us learn more about this shocking news, that Obama knows a dude who did sex on a hooker, and did not even send him to be guarded by crocodiles in a prison on the moon! Read more on ABC News Stops The Presses: Obama Has A Friend Who Did Sex To A Hooker…
  lucky duckies

Socialized ER Care Is Such A Sweet Deal, Unless You Have Ball Cancer

Isn’t it wonderful to live in the land of socialized health care, where You People can all go to the ER of our local hospitals and receive medical services that everyone else pays for? As Mitt pointed out, “If someone has a heart attack, they don’t sit in their apartment and die. We pick them up in an ambulance and take them to the hospital and give them care.” And indeed we do! But what if that same uninsured or underinsured Someone has, say, testicular cancer? Do we pick him up in an ambulance and take him to the hospital and give him care? No. We do not. We tell him that we won’t treat him, but that it’s “urgent” he get care. Read more on Socialized ER Care Is Such A Sweet Deal, Unless You Have Ball Cancer…
  governor sammiches

Who Is Chris Christie Yelling at Today?

Here, enjoy this video of Chris Christie screaming at a reporter from New York who has the NERVE to ask him a follow-up question about the foreclosure fund. Why is New Jersey dead-last in the nation in terms of implementing a bunch of programs to help homeowners avoid foreclosure, the reporter may have wanted to ask? Or, alternatively, he might have wanted to say something like: that $300,000,000 the feds gave you—why are you not using it to help homeowners? Except we’re not sure what the reporter was trying to ask, because Chris Christie immediately starts yelling about blue moons and New Yorkers from out of town and HOW DARE HE, given that he (the reporter, not Chris Christie, “has his facts wrong”). Read more on Who Is Chris Christie Yelling at Today?…
  what did nancy pelosi know and when did she know it?

Newt Gingrich Was Lying About ABC’s Interview With His Ex-Wife, Of Course

Comedy chuckwagon Newt Gingrich got a ton of mileage out of his cranky and peevish take-down of CNN’s John King, and by extension the whole of the liberal media empire. (And for Gingrich’s gross vehicle weight rating, tons of mileage don’t come cheap!) You will recall that ABC was scheduled to air an interview with one of Newt’s former wives almost immediately following last Thursday’s debate in South Carolina and that King decided to open the debate with a question about ex-wife Marianne Gingrich’s allegations that Newt had pressed her for an open marriage. Graduate-level reprobate Newt naturally and easily lobbed this softball out of the park in part with an angry claim that his campaign provided family friends who could testify the story was false but that ABC had rebuked the offers. This claim, it seems, was just a fall-back to one of Newt’s most trusted rhetorical techniques: Flat-Out Lying. Read more on Newt Gingrich Was Lying About ABC’s Interview With His Ex-Wife, Of Course…
  why isn't the gorilla mask lobby throwing a fit?

Who Dares Tell The Tea Party They Smell Like Old Gorilla Masks?

Teevee’s absolute worst offense against humankind “Dancing With the Stars” is now also teevee’s worst offense against that other section of beings “the teabaggers,”  because one of the illiterate trolls in Andrew Breitbart’s stable of typing tumors at BigHollywood.com just, uh, happened to notice some costume designer dude on the show picking up a gorilla mask once worn by ol’ whatshername the grifter-quitter grandma’s annoying famewhore daughter and saying, “It still smells like a Tea Party!” NOT COOL, BOLSHIE! This Breitbart slaveblogger, one “Warner Todd Huston,” will THROW DOWN in the teabagger defense with an Important Discussion about socialism and body odor, after the jump! Read more on Who Dares Tell The Tea Party They Smell Like Old Gorilla Masks?…
  sad stories of failure

The 1980 Winter Olympics Hate Tim Pawlenty

Tim “Who Cares?” Pawlenty is in trouble now, because his hopeless campaign couldn’t even make a lousy commercial the right way. This campaign ad he made, “The American Comeback,” is funny because first of all, a “comeback” is the opposite of what Tim Pawlenty has achieved. Secondly, Tim Pawlenty’s attempt to ruin everyone’s memory of the “Miracle on Ice” hockey game turned out to be illegal, yay. Read more on The 1980 Winter Olympics Hate Tim Pawlenty…
  profiles in discourage

ABC Won’t Have Andrew Breitbart’s Expert Poop-Leech Analysis Tonight

ABC News released an e-mail they sent to human poop-leech Andrew Breitbart this afternoon telling him he now cannot take part in their election coverage tonight even though America will miss his expertise in accusing minorities of racism. They definitely wanted Breitbart to participate in their online coverage, they say, but they were sick of him pretending he would spend all night on the teevee. It is okay for a peddler of the basest insinuations to talk about elections on their branded box on George Stephanopoulos’ Facebook profile, but not so for broadcast television, on which only but the most banal platitudes can be bandied about, for fear of FCC fines. It only took ABC days to figure out that Breitbart is not a suitable human being to bring anywhere near rational discourse, and so he probably already has flown to Arizona on their dime and everything. How is Breitbart reacting to this mean e-mail he purportedly received? Read more on ABC Won’t Have Andrew Breitbart’s Expert Poop-Leech Analysis Tonight…
  just kill yourselves

Inane Washington Post Polls Stewart/Colbert Presidential Election

Seeing as it was just days away from the midterms, people who do polling seriously and for a living decided it was high time they collect some numbers on the most important election happening this campaign season. And that election, of course, is a U.S. presidential election pitting Comedy Central characters Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert against one another. Major news businesses the Washington Post and ABC News put all their profits together to commission this very significant poll, and surely the respondents were eager to have ten minutes stolen from their lives to consider which of these two individuals they would vote for in this teevee comedian presidential election that will be happening any day. “With one in three still up for grabs (mainly undecided), both Comedy Central funnymen may have a great chance to pick up support at their dueling rallies on the National Mall,” a Post journalist wrote, PROPHETICALLY and IN FULL UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT A COMEDIAN IS. Read more on Inane Washington Post Polls Stewart/Colbert Presidential Election…
  barry can you hear me?

Barry Would Love To See You In September

Vay-cay-shun, all he ever wan-ted! Va-ca-tion, haaaaad to geeet awaaaaay! These are lyrics from an ancient funeral dirge that Barack Obama never sang or thought of while on vacation, probably, even though this was a hit song when he was in high school, in Kenya. Anyway, he’s backsies from the Vineyard just in time for Hurricane Earl to destroy the white-devil holiday isle, so let’s see what our Dear Sexy Leader did this week! In place of our conscience, ABC’s Jake Tapper will be our guide. Read more on Barry Would Love To See You In September…
  but where's his coverage of carmen sandiego?

Brian Ross’ Magical Cell Phone Wrongly Claims Dudes Are Terrorists

Oh, remember that ABC News story from Monday about how terrorists were doing a “dry run” (no semen) on some airplanes? No, you don’t, as Wonkette is your only news source, and we <3 the Muslins, so we can’t report anything negative about them. Well, Brian Ross said two Yemeni-born American residents taped a cell-phone to a bottle of Pepto Bismol in their luggage, as a sort of mock bomb. But it turns out this was just an “unusual set of circumstances,” and authorities say nothing terroristy was happening. But ABC has kept the story up on their website and not edited or corrected it in any way, to make sure these guys’ Google results will forever tell people they’re terrorists. BRIAN ROSS JUST DRY-RUNNED YOUR FACE! Read more on Brian Ross’ Magical Cell Phone Wrongly Claims Dudes Are Terrorists…
  great-grandson of big fuckin' russ

HAHAHHA LUKE RUSSERT FOR ABC’S SUNDAY MORNING SHOW! Look everyone, unsubstantiated rumors from some ABC News employee about replacing George Stephanopoulos on This Week: “A prominent ABC political pundit said grabbing [Luke] Russert would be a major play to shake up the Sunday shows. Speaking on background, the pundit told Whispers: ‘It’s a great time to buck the tide and throw caution to the wind.'” Why is it a good time to do that? Anyway hopefully they do this, because it would be hilarious, all the funny clips we could play the next day… [US News] Read more on …
  what up

Michael Steele May Quite Possibly Have Gone Rogue

Oh jesus christ, we think Michael Steele may have finally pushed himself into a position where firing becomes a near-future possibility, but what the hell do we know? It’s been quite a day for Steele, “the black Barack Obama.” First he canceled an ABC interview at the last minute. Reports came in that there was an “emergency meeting” he had to attend at the RNC at noon instead. The RNC later clarified that there was a meeting, but not an “emergency” meeting, so reporters should fuck off. Either way, Steele’s scheduler (Puff Daddy) appears to have done a poor job managing conflicts today — or maybe a good job, because he managed to get Michael Steele off the teevee for once. Read more on Michael Steele May Quite Possibly Have Gone Rogue…
  hot blondes

George Stephanopoulos Is Your New Diane Sawyer

Former Clintonite insider George Stephanopoulos will replace former Nixonite insider Diane Sawyer on ABC’s important hard-hitting American morning newsmagazine Good Morning America. Stephanopoulos is notorious for the most groundbreaking journalistic coup of the 21st century: “twitterviewing” John McCain and getting him to admit that “if the president does it, that means that it is not illegal.” Read more on George Stephanopoulos Is Your New Diane Sawyer…
  is that a tarp in your pants?

Wall Street Hooker Ring Will Probably Need Bailing Out, Too

Brian Ross is a national treasure because he is an actual investigative journalist who investigates things. He got this gal who ran a Wall Street hooker ring to turn over her client list, and boy howdy! It is full of, uh, bankers. Probably very interesting to people who know anything about Wall Street! Anyway, many of these bankers and stock brokers used their corporate cards, of course, to fund their extremely expensive habits, so there you go, your bailout money is going to pay off the hooker bill of a New York real estate investor who liked to wear women’s underwear. [Talking Points Memo] Read more on Wall Street Hooker Ring Will Probably Need Bailing Out, Too…