Strife among the Olds! The principal actor in this particular Olds Drama, as in all Olds Dramas, is the elderly peacebomber John McCain, who is something like 87 years old. Standing opposite John McCain is the corrupt League of Olds, the AARP. Once friends, now foes, after the AARP recently *ruined everything* by endorsing ObamaCare, the chief tenet of which — and you can read this for yourself in plain language, on any number of Internet sites — is to kill white women and children over 65 years old. John McCain is so furious about this endorsement that he plans to use his powers as the elected President of the United States to bomb the AARP, so as to liberate it. MORE »

The American Association of Retired Persons (AARP), a vestigial structure in the American political apparatus dating back to old times when people “stopped working” at a certain age and lived off of pensions (nowadays it’s more common to work forever, after Wall Street loots your life savings from the 401(k) it pushed you into), will supposedly be endorsing the super-communist House health care bill. Your death warrant’s signed, Granny! This is great news in that it gives us an excuse to link to this comical AARP article about old people sexting each other. “‘The next thing you know, you’ll get a picture of a breast,’ he says with a hearty laugh.” [AP, AARP]

The most fearsome paramilitary organization in the country, the AARP, has seen a precipitous decline in membership since they declared that maybe our nation’s health care system needed a tweak or two. Blasphemy! Between 50,000 and 60,000 members have quit the AARP in disgust since July 1. MORE »

BARACK OBAMA SEXES UP THE OLDS, WITH HEALTH CARE! AARP, the shockingly powerful old-person lobby, is about to have Obama entertain the retired peoples with a live webchat! We cannot embed the video here, so go watch it with the early-bird dinner crowd and report back with spy info! It starts at 1:30 p.m. IT’S ON, LIVE, NOW! CALL IN! [AARP Barack Obama Q&A]