Tag Archives: 9/12

  star-cross'd lovers

Andrew Breitbart Still Suffers From Serious Boy-Touching Denial

We remember it like it was yesterday, but actually it was 9/12: Your part-time morning editor was walking dejectedly through a Tea Bagger field, and then Andrew Breitbart appeared from the mist in a gorgeous Victorian gown and drunkenly groped us for what seemed like “too long.” It was such a special, Charlotte Bronte moment. Obviously the entire world saw this embrace, on C-SPAN radio, and then the “when is the wedding?” emails started pouring in. But some liberals protesting last month’s Right Nation picnic were asking different questions, questions like “Andrew Breitbart’s gay!” Andrew Breitbart says this is hate speech, and adamantly denies his boy-touching tendencies. And after doing lots of serious journalism, Breitbart has finally identified his accuser! (Hint: She’s a Democrat.) Andrew Breitbart might not be gay, but he’s certainly something. In these modern times there are so many different genders and sexualities. Andrew’s gender is probably “Into Ladies, But When Drunk Likes Touching Boys.” Oh Breitbart, isn’t it time you contacted your local LGBTBBQ (sp?) Pride chapter? Read more on Andrew Breitbart Still Suffers From Serious Boy-Touching Denial…
  it's morning in america

Scientist Proves Teabagger Signs Aren’t Racist, Exposes Media Conspiracy

A graduate student from UCLA photographed 250 signs that she saw at the 9/12 FreedomWorks rally, and then did scientific experiments to determine whether these signs were racist or not. The grad student’s analysis found “only about a quarter of all signs reflected direct anger with Obama. Only 5 percent of the total mentioned the president’s race or religion, and slightly more than 1 percent questioned his American citizenship.” Only five percent of the signs this lady saw at a rally said “Obama is a Muslin”? What could this mean? It means the media has distorted the Teabagger message, which is Freedom. We’ve attended many of these Teabagger picnics — not just one! — and we cannot agree more. Why won’t the liberal media apologize for calling all of these crusty, self-loathing brain-dead white people mean names? And also, we would like to apply to UCLA’s Teabagger Ph.D. program. [WaPo] Read more on Scientist Proves Teabagger Signs Aren’t Racist, Exposes Media Conspiracy… Read more on Scientist Proves Teabagger Signs Aren’t Racist, Exposes Media Conspiracy…
  picnics of infamy

A Full Report On Andrew Breitbart Touching Boys At the 9/12 Death Picnic

We have been trying to suppress our memories of the recent 9/12 FreedomWorks death picnic, but you know what they say, if you don’t come out and talk about it, one day you’ll just snap. So we have transcribed some of our timestamped notes (“live-blogging on paper”) and uploaded a few pics. Let the healing begin, maybe. 12:13 – At least 1,000,000 people here already. Probably even more. Press check-in people did not even ask for ID. What if we were secretly Maureen Dowd? They would never know. Read more on A Full Report On Andrew Breitbart Touching Boys At the 9/12 Death Picnic…
  affirmative teabag action

New FreedomWorks Diversity Thing Sounds Really Fake

FreedomWorks is constantly on the move. We mean this figuratively and literally, since FreedomWorks is always very busy hosting death picnics — but also it actually moved its headquarters, because it is so afraid of all the libruls. And somehow FreedomWorks has been able to keep up the momentum, perhaps because Dick Armey keeps an amphetamine Pez dispenser under his big dumb cowboy hat. Are you ready for DiverseTea, the special FreedomWorks tea party for non-whites? Separate but equal, baby. Read more on New FreedomWorks Diversity Thing Sounds Really Fake…
  the founders had no youtube

Here’s the Stupid 9/12 Video!

If you want to get a feel for what the 9/12 rallies in Washington, Sacramento, and St. Louis were like, just take your laptop to the nearest Old Country Buffet, flip it open next to the meat bar, and watch this video that the Tea Party Patriots made especially for the trifecta-occasion. Read more on Here’s the Stupid 9/12 Video!…
  monsters

Andrew Breitbart Gropes Youth At 9/12 Death Picnic

Your Wonkette foolishly agreed to help Liz Glover and her fancy VICE Teevee crew “cover” the 9/12 FreedomWorks picnic. We will file a full report on this monstrosity shortly, but until then: Andrew Breitbart fingerbanged Riley Waggaman, and it was weird and probably illegal. Read more on Andrew Breitbart Gropes Youth At 9/12 Death Picnic…
  that's a really souped-up scooter

SUV Announces Magical March On Washington Happening On 9/12

If there’s anything we’ve learned from this koran-burning non-story, it’s that people from Florida are idiots. (Haha, we already knew that.) Well get ready, Washingtonians, because, according to the back of this Toyota RAV4 spotted on I-395, Floridians are in town for a big 9/12 rally on the Mall! Read more on SUV Announces Magical March On Washington Happening On 9/12…
  welfare queens

WAR-ring Tea Party Patriots Ask for Handouts

The Tea Party Patriots have been super-busy lately, emailing about some “WAR” they’re fighting against George Soros and the Obamunists and also traveling to all of Glenn Beck’s Miracle Parties. Participating in these fun activities isn’t free, so the Patriots have been e-soliciting for donations, free lodging, and other goods and services (“private sector welfare”) just to stay alive. “Our destiny is not to fade miserably into the socialist quagmire that has sucked the life and freedom out of so many once vibrant countries and people around the world,” says a recent TPP email. “The destiny of America is to lead the world in freedom, in justice, and in prosperity.” They have a dream! Read more on WAR-ring Tea Party Patriots Ask for Handouts…
  never forget

Teabaggers Now Plan To Ruin 9/11 With 9/12 Attack On Washington

Having successfully completed a hilarious stack of FAIL on Tax Day, the Teabagging Cultists will next flap their testicles against the mouth of 9/11, our nation’s most holy day of remembrance. Just six months or so from right now, the fantastic teabagging momentum will strike again, as America sheds its tears over the anniversary of the September 11, 2001 attacks on the places wingnuts and teabaggers hate most: Washington DC and New York City. Read more on Teabaggers Now Plan To Ruin 9/11 With 9/12 Attack On Washington…