9/12

STAR-CROSS'D LOVERS  2:55 pm October 25, 2010

Andrew Breitbart Still Suffers From Serious Boy-Touching Denial

by Riley Waggaman

We remember it like it was yesterday, but actually it was 9/12: Your part-time morning editor was walking dejectedly through a Tea Bagger field, and then Andrew Breitbart appeared from the mist in a gorgeous Victorian gown and drunkenly groped us for what seemed like “too long.” It was such a special, Charlotte Bronte moment. [...]

IT'S MORNING IN AMERICA  8:30 am October 14, 2010

Scientist Proves Teabagger Signs Aren’t Racist, Exposes Media Conspiracy

by Riley Waggaman

A graduate student from UCLA photographed 250 signs that she saw at the 9/12 FreedomWorks rally, and then did scientific experiments to determine whether these signs were racist or not. The grad student’s analysis found “only about a quarter of all signs reflected direct anger with Obama. Only 5 percent of the total mentioned the [...]

PICNICS OF INFAMY  2:59 pm September 15, 2010

A Full Report On Andrew Breitbart Touching Boys At the 9/12 Death Picnic

by Riley Waggaman

We have been trying to suppress our memories of the recent 9/12 FreedomWorks death picnic, but you know what they say, if you don’t come out and talk about it, one day you’ll just snap. So we have transcribed some of our timestamped notes (“live-blogging on paper”) and uploaded a few pics. Let the healing [...]

AFFIRMATIVE TEABAG ACTION  12:31 pm September 14, 2010

New FreedomWorks Diversity Thing Sounds Really Fake

by Riley Waggaman

FreedomWorks is constantly on the move. We mean this figuratively and literally, since FreedomWorks is always very busy hosting death picnics — but also it actually moved its headquarters, because it is so afraid of all the libruls. And somehow FreedomWorks has been able to keep up the momentum, perhaps because Dick Armey keeps an [...]

THE FOUNDERS HAD NO YOUTUBE  11:19 am September 13, 2010

Here’s the Stupid 9/12 Video!

by Lauri Apple

If you want to get a feel for what the 9/12 rallies in Washington, Sacramento, and St. Louis were like, just take your laptop to the nearest Old Country Buffet, flip it open next to the meat bar, and watch this video that the Tea Party Patriots made especially for the trifecta-occasion.

MONSTERS  9:41 am September 13, 2010

Andrew Breitbart Gropes Youth At 9/12 Death Picnic

by Riley Waggaman

Your Wonkette foolishly agreed to help Liz Glover and her fancy VICE Teevee crew “cover” the 9/12 FreedomWorks picnic. We will file a full report on this monstrosity shortly, but until then: Andrew Breitbart fingerbanged Riley Waggaman, and it was weird and probably illegal.

THAT'S A REALLY SOUPED-UP SCOOTER  5:05 pm September 10, 2010

SUV Announces Magical March On Washington Happening On 9/12

by Jack Stuef

If there’s anything we’ve learned from this koran-burning non-story, it’s that people from Florida are idiots. (Haha, we already knew that.) Well get ready, Washingtonians, because, according to the back of this Toyota RAV4 spotted on I-395, Floridians are in town for a big 9/12 rally on the Mall!

WELFARE QUEENS  10:41 am August 27, 2010

WAR-ring Tea Party Patriots Ask for Handouts

by Lauri Apple

The Tea Party Patriots have been super-busy lately, emailing about some “WAR” they’re fighting against George Soros and the Obamunists and also traveling to all of Glenn Beck’s Miracle Parties. Participating in these fun activities isn’t free, so the Patriots have been e-soliciting for donations, free lodging, and other goods and services (“private sector welfare”) [...]

NEVER FORGET  5:23 pm April 20, 2009

Teabaggers Now Plan To Ruin 9/11 With 9/12 Attack On Washington

by Ken Layne

Having successfully completed a hilarious stack of FAIL on Tax Day, the Teabagging Cultists will next flap their testicles against the mouth of 9/11, our nation’s most holy day of remembrance. Just six months or so from right now, the fantastic teabagging momentum will strike again, as America sheds its tears over the anniversary of [...]


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