Wonkette

Wonkette fishwrapper operative “Alicia” writes to us about the unusual demand today in Washington for wads of cheap paper covered in ink: “The Washington Post sold out of its run this morning. They apparently are doing a second run because right now there is a line around the block to buy more editions of today’s paper. The line goes up 15th and has wrapped around M Street.” The year is 2008, and people are waiting in long lines to buy a daily print newspaper that is available for free on the Internet. MORE »

Terrible seething venomous rage runs in the McCain family, it appears. Whereas a normal person sitting in a traffic jam would say, “man, this sucks,” John McCain’s brother Joe calls 911 to complain and then says “fuck you” to the operator who is confused about why he’s calling an emergency hotline about a common everyday occurrence. MORE »

The Muslims are trying to kill the very communist New York Times! An internal e-mail says that the newspaper received an envelope filled with a “white granular substance,” just like in the good old days when all of the terrorists were trying to kill Tom Daschle, ha. Well, s’pose we gotta invade some Muslim country now, how about Syria? Those guys are kinda fuckers; freedom might as well be on the march there. To Syria. [Radar]

A couple of readers have sent us this hysterical Republican PAC ad spotted on the Drudge Report, which depicts some angry black guy trying to give a 9/11 terrorist as many drivers licenses as he and his illegal Mexican Muslim friends want. … Oh now heavens to Betsy, wait a sec, that angry black guy is whosisbutt, Barkbama, the Democratic nominee for president! Now why would a presidential nominee and purportedly “pro-American” statesman “associate” with a known terrorist in an advertising campaign? An extra buck, eh? Shameless.

And now we fight into the third and final round of this hellish battle between the Black Knight and the jabbering old goon. Not very exciting, is it? Is the idea to keep Barry from offending anyone? Well, mission accomplished. Let’s get some bloodshed! Red meat! Eh, no, it’s a debate. Always boring, terrible, and oh lord of allah there is another half hour of this, let’s go. (Here is the Pre-Game and Part I and Part II.) MORE »

Whoa hey check out this guy. He is, let’s see, Alec Baldwin, we think. One of the Baldwins, anyway. The “funny one.” And really, have we proven Cheney didn’t personally do 9/11, with a Wii? Exactly. This is why Ron Paul has endorsed this fellow. Read the actual endorsement, after the jump. MORE »

Here’s Ron Paul calling in to Fox News’ Neil Cavuto to talk about the financial crisis, TELLING HIM THE SECRETS THAT ONLY HE KNOWS, until the phone line gets fuzzy and the call is lost. The Paultards, as you may have guessed, do not consider this a coincidence. Please read all of the YouTube comments, like this one: “Sounds just like the fuzz that came on when the BBC was announcing LIVE that the Solomon Building WTC7 had collapsed yet it was standing in the background (window behind the reporter). A full 20 minutes before it fell. Suddenly the feed becomes FUZZY and they LOSE the feed.” [YouTube]

Intern Juli has compiled her notes and will now describe the atmosphere at Columbia University during last night’s Service Nation Forum with Barack Obama and Walnuts. If you watched the thing, you’ll understand how comical it is that so many people were duped into watching it outside. Here is Juli’s preview from yesterday. MORE »

Over the summer we mentioned that Andrew Giuliani, the son of 9/11, was suing Duke University because “he was wrongfully kicked off the golf team,” because talent should have had nothing to do with whether he made the cut on a sports team. But maybe this stuff does: “Duke said in a court filing Wednesday that the 22-year-old Giuliani was properly suspended after throwing an apple in the face of another player, breaking a golf club during a tournament, injuring a teammate and becoming verbally abusive with a coach.” Andrew denies all of this, which brings us back to the original argument: that he sucks at golf. [Charlotte Observer via Above The Law]

By the Comics Curmudgeon

While most Americans have just now started paying attention to the Presidential election (holy smokes, did you know there’s a black fella running? And some kind of moose lady?), we know that you faithful Wonkette readers have been following it since the day it began, which is to say November 4, 2004. Therefore, because whimsical cartoons are supposed to take your mind away from the daily horrors of your existence, we here at Cartoon Violence offer a one-week respite from the presidential campaign, which we’re sure you’ll appreciate. After that, it’s back to John McCain’s weirdly lumpy cheeks for the next seven weeks, or until we kill ourselves. MORE »