Wonkette

And now we fight into the third and final round of this hellish battle between the Black Knight and the jabbering old goon. Not very exciting, is it? Is the idea to keep Barry from offending anyone? Well, mission accomplished. Let’s get some bloodshed! Red meat! Eh, no, it’s a debate. Always boring, terrible, and oh lord of allah there is another half hour of this, let’s go. (Here is the Pre-Game and Part I and Part II.) MORE »

Whoa hey check out this guy. He is, let’s see, Alec Baldwin, we think. One of the Baldwins, anyway. The “funny one.” And really, have we proven Cheney didn’t personally do 9/11, with a Wii? Exactly. This is why Ron Paul has endorsed this fellow. Read the actual endorsement, after the jump. MORE »

Here’s Ron Paul calling in to Fox News’ Neil Cavuto to talk about the financial crisis, TELLING HIM THE SECRETS THAT ONLY HE KNOWS, until the phone line gets fuzzy and the call is lost. The Paultards, as you may have guessed, do not consider this a coincidence. Please read all of the YouTube comments, like this one: “Sounds just like the fuzz that came on when the BBC was announcing LIVE that the Solomon Building WTC7 had collapsed yet it was standing in the background (window behind the reporter). A full 20 minutes before it fell. Suddenly the feed becomes FUZZY and they LOSE the feed.” [YouTube]

Intern Juli has compiled her notes and will now describe the atmosphere at Columbia University during last night’s Service Nation Forum with Barack Obama and Walnuts. If you watched the thing, you’ll understand how comical it is that so many people were duped into watching it outside. Here is Juli’s preview from yesterday. MORE »

Over the summer we mentioned that Andrew Giuliani, the son of 9/11, was suing Duke University because “he was wrongfully kicked off the golf team,” because talent should have had nothing to do with whether he made the cut on a sports team. But maybe this stuff does: “Duke said in a court filing Wednesday that the 22-year-old Giuliani was properly suspended after throwing an apple in the face of another player, breaking a golf club during a tournament, injuring a teammate and becoming verbally abusive with a coach.” Andrew denies all of this, which brings us back to the original argument: that he sucks at golf. [Charlotte Observer via Above The Law]

By the Comics Curmudgeon

While most Americans have just now started paying attention to the Presidential election (holy smokes, did you know there’s a black fella running? And some kind of moose lady?), we know that you faithful Wonkette readers have been following it since the day it began, which is to say November 4, 2004. Therefore, because whimsical cartoons are supposed to take your mind away from the daily horrors of your existence, we here at Cartoon Violence offer a one-week respite from the presidential campaign, which we’re sure you’ll appreciate. After that, it’s back to John McCain’s weirdly lumpy cheeks for the next seven weeks, or until we kill ourselves. MORE »

Yes, America, this for sure is the relatable, spunky mom with small-town values who we want to be president after John McCain dies his third week in office: the one who blames the attacks of September 11 on Iraq. This puts her in a very exclusive club of exactly two, the other member being Dick Cheney, and together they are the only two humans left on earth willing to say with a straight face that there was a link between Iraq and Al Qaeda before 9/11. MORE »

All of the week’s partisan bickering and lipstick-related nastiness can’t change the fact that both Barack Obama and John McCain want what’s best for this country, except for Barack Obama. Now we will liveblog the endless string of platitudes and remonstrances to “never forget” that are required of any politician commemorating the day when Rudy Giuliani failed to protect his city from two commercial airliners. CNN informs us that the candidates will not speak together at tonight’s special 9/11 Commemorative Service Forum, which we guess means that one of them will be held in a Silence Cone with a crying bald eagle until the other one is done delivering his canned answers to Judy Woodruff. Let’s roll! MORE »

We are only hours away from John McCain and Barack Obama’s 9/11 Forum at New York City’s Columbia University, and no one cares. But! Our own Intern Juli actually attends this bratty college and has written about the campus atmosphere leading into the event. Juli’s secret dispatch suggests that a bunch of spoiled snobs are whining about nothing. Who could have predicted?

As no one outside Columbia’s three block campus would ever know, today is a very exciting day in Morningside Heights. John McCain and Barack Obama are coming to the student center to talk about the importance of Service, and 9/11, which is today’s date. And the entire student body will watch the thing from a giant flatscreen teevee on the steps of an administration building, because Columbia hates its students. MORE »

Some folks have found a copy the CNN schedule for tonight’s Service Nation Presidential Candidates Forum at Columbia University, on 9/11. Following remarks from the president of Columbia University and the governor of New York and before remarks from 9/11 families, John McCain, and Barack Obama, the famous movie star Tobey Maguire will speak about 9/11 and Service. Sure, why not? Because Tobey Maguire did study physics at Columbia University, in the children’s comic book film Spiderman 2. [Cryptome, Radar]

The MSNBC television channel is home to numerous liberal windbag children like Keith Olbermann, the important sports highlight show reporter who gets very grave and solemn while discussing people who exploit 9/11 in a tacky, self-promoting fashion, which ironically is what he’s doing in the process. And so Keith must be upset today with his network’s website, MSNBC.com, which actually has a live feature called “Know 9/11? Take a tougher-than-usual quiz.” We’re not sure when all of these “usual” 9/11 quizzes took place, but we agree that this one is tougher. We got a 40% and will now go to Gitmo. DHS agents are picking us up any moment now. Oh no they’re breaking down the door! Well, everyone, it’s been a pleasu

Oh dear, it looks like those liberal celebrities are insulting George W. Bush’s heroism by plotting amateurish “copycat crimes” against Freedom. Why else would self-loathing college rapper Kanye West be arrested at the airport, on 9/11? Exactly. Now let’s invade, what, Belgium or Egypt or something. [CNN]

(Every year on this rotten day, we repeat this beloved 9/11 feature, sort of like how “A Charlie Brown Christmas” plays on the teevee every December.) On this solemn day a half-dozen years ago, nearly 3,000 people were horribly killed so that Rudy Giuliani could earn a hundred million dollars and run for president of 9/11 and the most corrupt administration in American History could wage endless war around the world that has killed some 700,000 people while finally restoring energy and defense stocks to the solid dividend payers favored by long-term investors. Also, “September the Eleventh” has inspired the most insipid, maudlin kitsch in the history of an already very kitschy nation, along with some truly stomach-turning old-fashioned American Huckersterism. MORE »

Hey everyone, it’s September 9 today, meaning that in only two days it’ll be… what will it be?… uh oh, WE FORGOT. HA HA HA, boy howdy. But yes: in two days it will be the seven (7) year anniversary of the day Rudy Giuliani couldn’t protect his own city from being attacked by commercial airplanes. And so for the next few days the Main Stream Media will “celebrate” with a slew of op-eds that sound like they were written in October, 2001. In today’s New York Times, for example, the Atlantic’s Jeffrey Goldberg has written the most terrifying, apocalyptic piece so far this season: that we have a 50% chance of getting nuked by terrorists in the next 10 years, according to Experts. MORE »