Tag Archives: 9/11

  This could get exciting!

Michele Bachmann Says Carly Fiorina Loves Muslims Too Much To Be President

What is she up to now? Here is a thing that happened: We would never assume that former member of Congress and one-time presidential wannabe Michele Bachmann would automatically support Carly Fiorina for president, just because of how she is a batshit crazy conservative rightwing Republican lady, just like Bachmann. As far as we can tell, she shares all of Bachmann’s exact same values, so you’d think Bachmann would be like, “Woot, Carly4Prez!” But that would makes us the REAL SEXISTS, maybe? Read more on Michele Bachmann Says Carly Fiorina Loves Muslims Too Much To Be President…
  When will the gay terrors cease?

Dead Breitbart Real Upset How Gay Rainbow Flag Murdered Those Marines In Chattanooga

The threat is real.
Ever since June 26, the day which will live in infamy, when the Supreme Court gave America the right gay throatcramming she deserved, wingnuts have been observed in various states of utter, pants-shitting meltdown. And much of it, against the backdrop of the death of the Confederate flag, has centered on the gay rainbow, and how it is lynching the good American Christians, and how the White House did a 9/11 to the world when it was lit up in rainbow colors. Truly we are living in tragic days. Read more on Dead Breitbart Real Upset How Gay Rainbow Flag Murdered Those Marines In Chattanooga…
  Cantaloupe calves

Rep. Steve King Is Most Mexicanest Person Alive, Says Rep. Steve King

Olé!
What comes to mind when you think of Iowa Rep. Steve King? Racist? Wingnut? Asshole? Dumb as a knapsack full of syphilitic fucks? Well you are wrong, because the only thing that should come into your mind when you hear the name “Steve King” is “Most Likely To Be So Mexican,” because that’s what’s true: Read more on Rep. Steve King Is Most Mexicanest Person Alive, Says Rep. Steve King…
  More gay 9/11 coming apparently

Wingnut Terror Alert Level Raised To ‘Hey Gurl!’ After White House Gay Rainbow Display

Just gonna put this here one more time.
On Friday night, after the historic Supreme Court decision where Justice Anthony Kennedy destroyed all heterosexual marriages by letting gays in on the institution, the White House gave us ALL THE FEELS by turning rainbow-colored for the night. The display had been planned for months, which proves President Obama is in the tank for Big Homo, and it was A Good Thing. Indeed, President Obama called it “a moment worth savoring,” even though he had to watch it on teevee, due to presidents are not allowed to play outside after dark. Read more on Wingnut Terror Alert Level Raised To ‘Hey Gurl!’ After White House Gay Rainbow Display…
  Point and laugh some more

Wingnut Texas AG Has Hilarious, Beautiful Meltdown Over Gay Marriage

The schadenfreude is almost as fun as the equality.
You know how toddlers do sometimes when they skip their naps and the simplest perceived slight turns into a 30-minute-long RAGER of a screaming, crying temper tantrum? Well, that is what is happening to Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton right now, and it is beautiful. We’d say somebody should intervene, but we think we’re gonna have to just let him cry it out. He issued the following hysterical screed in response to Friday’s Supreme Court marriage equality ruling, because it just hurts so bad to be a fucking loser like Ken Paxton right now. Here are a few of the best quotes: Read more on Wingnut Texas AG Has Hilarious, Beautiful Meltdown Over Gay Marriage…
  After we stopped crying we started giggling

Wingnuts Very Upset That Gay Jihadists Just Did 9/11 To America

HELP, JESUS!
When news broke that the Supreme Court had forcibly crammed gay marriage down the throatholes of every God-fearing American, our first instinct (AFTER CRYING) was go check Bryan Fischer’s Twitter-Twatter page. And he had said nothing! “WAKE UP, BRYAN FISCHER!,” we said to no one in particular, but apparently we successfully summoned the demon, because HOLY SHIT Y’ALL, he is having a meltdown of the most beautiful, epic proportions. Let’s point and laugh as Bryan Fischer explains how gay jihadists have just done a whole new 9/11 to America: Read more on Wingnuts Very Upset That Gay Jihadists Just Did 9/11 To America…
  But what about black-on-black crime???

Surprise, America, Your Worst Terrorists Are White Wingnuts!

Not an actual terrorist, just a sympathizer
Here’s something that’s sure to make wingnuts scream about reality’s liberal bias. A new study by the New America Foundation concludes that since 9/11, white rightwing terrorists have been far deadlier than jihadists. Unfair, of course to start counting after 9/11, because all terror begins and ends with 9/11. Also, Fox News is pretty sure there haven’t been any rightwing terrorist attacks at all, so you may want to take these think-tank guys with a grain of salt. Or gunpowder. Read more on Surprise, America, Your Worst Terrorists Are White Wingnuts!…
  Show us on the doll where Obama touched Lady Liberty

Wingnuts: Sure, Josh Duggar Molested Kids, But Barack Obama Molested America Way Worse

Pollsters are hilarious sometimes. Talking Points Memo has the results of a new poll from Public Policy Polling, asking people which do they like better:  The Duggar family, kid-touching and all, or Barack Obama? You will be so shocked to find out that a full 67% of folks who voted for Mitt Romney in 2012 still like the Duggars better than Obama, whereas 87% of Obama voters think Obama is better than kid-touchers and the people who cover for them. THERE’S YOUR PARTISAN DIVIDE, AMERICA. Read more on Wingnuts: Sure, Josh Duggar Molested Kids, But Barack Obama Molested America Way Worse…
  that's not the only reason Rudy

Rudy Giuliani Could Be President Of 9/11 If He Wasn’t Gay Married To Immigrant Abortions

Hey. Remember 9/11?
Rudy Giuliani stopped by the Fox News derp emporium to talk about 9/11 violence in Baltimore, and host Neil Cavuto just wanted to know “Why not you?” for president of America, instead of all these other rinky dink has-beens? Well, the answer is simple: Rudy Giuliani WOULD be a great Republican president, except for how he loves gays, abortion and foreigns so much, which won’t fly with the wingnut GOP base: Read more on Rudy Giuliani Could Be President Of 9/11 If He Wasn’t Gay Married To Immigrant Abortions…
  Is our Bushes learning?

Jeb Bush Loves His Brother, Swears He Will Be Nothing Like That Idiot

Don’t misunderestimate how hard it is to run for president when you are the baby brother of the worst president U.S. America has ever had judicial activist-ly crammed down its throat. It can be very a lot hard! Like answering yes or no questions, but more harder than that, even. Which has not stopped Jeb Bush from saying he’s still “thinking” about running for president, though he hasn’t “made the decision” yet. Suuuure, OK, buddy.   Jeb was on “Face the Nation” Sunday, tripping on his own dick again because he still hasn’t figured out how to say “Vote for me, I am a Bush” while simultaneously saying “Please forget that I am a Bush, PLEASE.” (Spoiler: It cannot be done, which is one of about a thousand reasons Jeb is never gonna get to disrespect the office of the presidency by putting his feet on the desk.) Let’s watch Jeb fail another time, some more, together: Read more on Jeb Bush Loves His Brother, Swears He Will Be Nothing Like That Idiot…
  war

Lindsey Graham Promises To Be Butchest, Scariest President EVER!

Nope.
Dignified and genteel Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-Other Southern White Guys) announced today that he will be seeking to lose the presidential election to Hillary Clinton, and he has two messages for US Americans: 1. He is the toughest, most badassed dude in the race, and all the foreigns are terrified of him; and 2. He is The Moderate Candidate who will bring Americans together, after our eight-year nightmare with the divisive Kenyan Socialist Commie named B. Hussein Obama. Read more on Lindsey Graham Promises To Be Butchest, Scariest President EVER!…
  sure why not

Former RINO Gov. George Pataki Remembers 9/11, Can He Be President Too?

So George Pataki was governor of New York once upon a time, and he’s always kind of wanted to run for president one day maybe. Being a semi-sentient being with nothing better to do, he figures since he’s a Republican and everyone else is doing it, this is his chance, so on Thursday, he released a video announcing he’s also running too. Sure, he knows he probably (definitely) cannot win, but then, none of the other Republicans in the race can win either, so what the hell. YOLO! But Pataki at least has a special kind of can’t-win quality: he’s not nearly as fire-breathing, Bible-humping INSANE as the rest of the Republican field: Read more on Former RINO Gov. George Pataki Remembers 9/11, Can He Be President Too?…
  Sing us a Cuban song too while you're at it!

Esteemed Teevee Journalist Would Like Ted Cruz To Say A Spanish, For Journalism

Gross. Both of them.
Mark Halperin is a hack whom everybody hates, who does hacky “journalism” and somehow, because the world is not fair, makes more money than yr Wonkette. Ted Cruz is an obnoxious, entitled asshole whom everyone hates, who has always been an asshole, who thinks he doesn’t have to play by any rules, but who adorably think he has a chance in hell of becoming president someday. He also has Cuban heritage, even though he actually invaded America from the north. So Halperin decided to interview Cruz, and what SHOULD have been a perfect demonstration of hack journalism, akin to two men using a double-headed dildo backing up into each other repeatedly, instead turned into a big gross racist thing where we ALMOST felt bad for Ted Cruz. Almost. Read more on Esteemed Teevee Journalist Would Like Ted Cruz To Say A Spanish, For Journalism…
  They hate us for our freedoms

America-Hating Appellate Court Says NSA Can’t Read All Your Sexts To Fight Terrorism After All

Guess they forgot :(
You’ve probably forgotten by now that time some terrorists damn near destroyed America with boxcutters, and we had to rewrite the Constitution to save the Constitution, so the terrorists would not win. So Congress passed a law that says the government can do pretty much whatever it wants, to protect America. They called it the USA Patriot Act, because of how it is so fucking patriotic and you can’t vote against a bill that has PATRIOT right there in the name because that means you hate America. And freedom. And you are not with us, you are with the terrorists. Turns out, a three-judge panel of the Second Circuit Court of Appeals does hate America: Read more on America-Hating Appellate Court Says NSA Can’t Read All Your Sexts To Fight Terrorism After All…
  Hmmmm is something ELSE happening in 2016?

GOP Will Release Benghazi Report In 2016 To Help Hillary Clinton, Obviously

Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-Benghazi!!111!) went on the Fox News Greta Van Susteren program and dropped a surprising bombshell about the House’s top secret investigation into Benghazi:  The report probably won’t be released until 2016, right smack in the middle of the election. Huh! Gowdy says it’s silly to suggest the GOP-controlled committee is doing this to try to hurt Hillary Clinton, because “[t]hat assumes the report would be critical of [Clinton] and I don’t make that assumption because we’re still in the process of gathering facts.” See? It’s just normal stuff, Republicans investigating Benghazi for the 80 gazillionth time, and they don’t even know what they’re going to find! Probably the same big nothing all the other investigations found, but pay that no mind. Gowdy continued: Read more on GOP Will Release Benghazi Report In 2016 To Help Hillary Clinton, Obviously…
  Does He Dare To Eat A Peach?

Let’s All Watch Convicted Felon Dinesh D’Souza Whine About His Martyrdom While Strolling The Beach

Prison life is rough
Just in case you’ve been wondering how professional victim and convicted felon Dinesh D’Souza is handling the horrors of being a Political Prisoner in Obama’s America, Vanity Fair has released an exciting video to pimp their big profile of D’Souza in their May issue. It’s pretty rad, also quite possibly gnarly, and it may indeed be the most fetch thing you’ll see all day! Read more on Let’s All Watch Convicted Felon Dinesh D’Souza Whine About His Martyrdom While Strolling The Beach…