Tag: 4th of july

David Brooks, serious typist for the Times

David Brooks Would Like Young Black Football Players To Stop Kneeling On His Lawn

Won't somebody please think of the white people?
Jane, you igneous slut

Deleted Comments: Criticizing Melania Trump’s Plagiarized Speech Is The Last Refuge Of A Scoundrel

It's time for our Sunday visit to the deleted comments queue. Please wear appropriate eye protection.
THE CUTEST.

Sarah Palin Declares Independence From Pretending To Be Employed. Your Weekly Top Ten.

Hey Wonkers, happy Fourth of July weekend and shit! Do you need a nap? We sure do! Let's all snuggle dressed like burritos after we read this post, like Wonkette baby, pictured above. (Did you SEE Editrix's baby pictures...
'Merca!

A Children’s Treasury Of Sexy Fourth Of July Patriotic Musical Videos

For your America Day enjoyment, we proudly present this retread/update of a 2011 post by "Wonkette Jr," whose actual identity is lost to time -- truly, we are standing on the shoulders of an unknown giant. Since not even...
And that's how America was made!

Majority Of Americans Agree God Loves America Best

Here is some interesting news, as we U.S. Americans begin our annual weekend of getting real drunk and shooting off fireworks, due to something we read in a history book about America but can't quite remember. (Muskets were involved.)...
Not in guac you don't.

Things That Do Not Go In Guacamole

Bipartisan unity was at last achieved in these United States on Wednesday after the Grey Lady, the paper of record, suggested something so horrifying that every God-fearing, patriotic American recoiled in disgust, fear and also more disgust. The Times suggested...

American Astrology: Horoscopes For True Patriots

Happy 4th of July! Are you an American? Great! Then I can tell you everything you need to know about yourself, based exclusively on your Sun Sign. If you are not an American, stop reading RIGHT THE FUCK NOW,...

Peaceful Gandhi-Like Gun Fondler Adam Kokesh Has Final Solution For America

After cancelling his plans for a Thousand Moron March, minor irritant and ardent student of Gandhi Adam Kokesh did the thing he does best: sought publicity. Here he is loading a shotgun in Freedom Plaza in Washington, D.C., just...

Ben Shapiro Hates Our British Allies, Thinks We Declared Independence From Cuba

Oh golly guys, Bette Midler tweeted this thing on the Fourth of July, she must Hate America almost as much as that Chris Rock guy! Fact-challenged fuckmonkey  Ben Shapiro, the crypt-keeper of Dead Breitbart's Home For Wannabe Conservative Media...

“Who Wrote This S***?” Mayor Bloomberg Does Not Care For Your Stupid Hotdog Puns

Courtesy of David Graham at the Atlantic, here is video of New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg just barely making his way through a speech on the occasion of the annual 4th of July Coney Island hot dog eating contest....

Obama Outrageously Politicizes 4th Of July Naturalization Ceremony By Mentioning Immigration

One of the nicer Independence Day traditions in this country is the swearing-in of new citizens by the President of the USA. Jaded though we may be in this modern age of instant worldwide communications, 24-hour news cycles, and...

America’s Saddest Birthday Ever

By the Comics Curmudgeon Birthdays are always a riot when you're young, right? The cake ... the presents ... the party ... it's your day, and your parents are the ones who organize the whole thing. But as...

A Confederacy of Teabags: Intern Riley’s ReLOVEution

We sent Intern Riley straight into the ample belly of the Teabagging Beast, so we will allow this ONE (1) departure into first-person singular on your "royal we" Wonkette: "So what's your deal?" the Paultard asked me with an air...