Tag Archives: 4th of july

  soothsaying

American Astrology: Horoscopes For True Patriots

Happy 4th of July! Are you an American? Great! Then I can tell you everything you need to know about yourself, based exclusively on your Sun Sign. If you are not an American, stop reading RIGHT THE FUCK NOW, because this is American Astrology (TM), not Commie Foreign Astrology Shit Crap. Seriously, this is for AMERICANS ONLY. Canada Day is OVER, and other countries don’t get their own days, or they shouldn’t, if you ask me. Read more on American Astrology: Horoscopes For True Patriots…
  it's the final countdown

Peaceful Gandhi-Like Gun Fondler Adam Kokesh Has Final Solution For America

After cancelling his plans for a Thousand Moron March, minor irritant and ardent student of Gandhi Adam Kokesh did the thing he does best: sought publicity. Here he is loading a shotgun in Freedom Plaza in Washington, D.C., just a few blocks from the White House, while warning that he is “the final American revolution.” No word yet on whether this manly display of resolute idiocy convinced President Barack Obama to stop being so darn tyrannical. As ThinkProgress notes, openly carrying a weapon in D.C. is still illegal, even after Heller, as is loading one, but being an asshole in public is still covered by the First Amendment. Read more on Peaceful Gandhi-Like Gun Fondler Adam Kokesh Has Final Solution For America…
  Yo Dawg He Is Crammin It Down Our Throats!!!

“Who Wrote This S***?” Mayor Bloomberg Does Not Care For Your Stupid Hotdog Puns

Courtesy of David Graham at the Atlantic, here is video of New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg just barely making his way through a speech on the occasion of the annual 4th of July Coney Island hot dog eating contest. The lame puns, strung together like so many old-timey frankfurters in a Marmaduke cartoon, leave him barely able to choke out the words, and he ends by asking what many politicians have longed to say, but lacked the courage to actually come right out and utter: Read more on “Who Wrote This S***?” Mayor Bloomberg Does Not Care For Your Stupid Hotdog Puns…
  wingnuts furious

Obama Outrageously Politicizes 4th Of July Naturalization Ceremony By Mentioning Immigration

One of the nicer Independence Day traditions in this country is the swearing-in of new citizens by the President of the USA. Jaded though we may be in this modern age of instant worldwide communications, 24-hour news cycles, and flying robotic kittycat death drones, we nevertheless actually get a little misty-eyed at the idea that, on the holiday celebrating the nation’s founding, the actual freakin’ PRESIDENT welcomes a bunch of new citizens to enjoy the full rights and responsibilities of being Americans. It’s really kind of awesome. Ah, but not so fast, you sentimental goons! What if that POTUS is himself maybe an illegal alien (we’re not saying he is, but the question has been raised by some) who thinks that maybe it would be a good idea to not deport every last foreign-born child ever? Then we are talking about an entirely different kettle of Indonesian flying fish! And even worse, what if that POTUS uses the occasion of that citizenship ceremony to suggest that American immigration policy might possibly be changed? Well, then, friends and neighbors, what you have is an unprecedented politicization of a sacred national day! Breitbart editor Ben Shapiro, that Platonic Ideal of a bloviating wingnut, is terribly sad for America, because “Even on July 4, President Obama can’t stop campaigning.” Inconceivable! How could a President even think of the election on the 4th of July in an election year? Read more on Obama Outrageously Politicizes 4th Of July Naturalization Ceremony By Mentioning Immigration…
  cartoon violence

America’s Saddest Birthday Ever

By the Comics Curmudgeon Birthdays are always a riot when you’re young, right? The cake … the presents … the party … it’s your day, and your parents are the ones who organize the whole thing. But as you grow older, your birthday becomes more melancholy, eventually representing both an occasion where you have to make merry even if your heart isn’t it and a reminder of your encroaching decrepitude. So too is this true for America! Our nation’s bickering gay dads, Thomas Jefferson and John Adams, died on the country’s 50th birthday, and it’s been all downhill ever since. After jump, find out how our country is trying to cheer itself up for the Big Two-Three-Four. Read more on America’s Saddest Birthday Ever…
  go ron paul

A Confederacy of Teabags: Intern Riley’s ReLOVEution

We sent Intern Riley straight into the ample belly of the Teabagging Beast, so we will allow this ONE (1) departure into first-person singular on your “royal we” Wonkette: “So what’s your deal?” the Paultard asked me with an air of suspicion, his Ron Paul REVOLUTION flag waving proudly as we walked. I had been following the Paultard for quite some time, in hopes that he would lead me to the secret location of the DC 4th of July Tea Party Extravaganza. Read more on A Confederacy of Teabags: Intern Riley’s ReLOVEution…