Tag Archives: 47 percent

  Another edition of the Mitt spins

Who’s The Best Liberal To Take On Hillary Clinton? Mitt Romney, Of Course

A regular man of the people
Good news, liberals! While Hero Badass Queen For Everything Please Sen. Elizabeth Warren still is not answering those 2016 draft calls, there is a super lefty liberal who is dying SO HARD to be your president. He will take on that corporate Wall Street shill Hillary Clinton and sing sweet populist lullabies into your ears while eating the hearts of the rich right before your very eyes, for your politicaltainment pleasure. That’s right, tree-huggers, Mitt Romney is your new liberal hero: Read more on Who’s The Best Liberal To Take On Hillary Clinton? Mitt Romney, Of Course…
  If Only Obama Would Lead Part LXVIII

Serious Pundit Ron Fournier Blesses Us With A State Of The Union Viewing Guide, Oh Joy

Our eyes will be on Old Handsome Joe. We hear Obama's going to talk, too.
Bland centrist Ron Fournier, who seems to aspire to be David Broder without all the edginess, has graced us with some standards for judging Barack Obama’s State of the Union address tonight. Needless to say, he thinks the Republican takeover of the Senate presents America with a beautiful opportunity for Democrats and Republicans to “begin governing together” like good boys and girls — if only Obama doesn’t poison everything by trying to enact his agenda. Fournier tut-tuts: Read more on Serious Pundit Ron Fournier Blesses Us With A State Of The Union Viewing Guide, Oh Joy…
  and everyone gets a dancing horse

America, Baby, Mitt Romney Swears It Will Be Different This Time If You Take Him Back

Ha ha! I still suck!
We might be changing our minds about another presidential campaign by His Royalness Mittens Holstein Benghazi Dishwasher Romnibus XVIII, because it means at least 18 more months of stories like this. Are we really prepared for a year and a half or more of Mitt, his wife Egg, his advisers, and some combination of his sons Trick, Trunk, Glob, Shank, and Smudge claiming over and over that had we voted for the Borin’ Mormon in 2012, Islamic terrorists and Vladimir Putin would be spending their days dressing up like court jesters and dancing for His Majesty’s amusement in the White House East Room while Americans enjoy full employment and gas so cheap that oil companies pay them to fill up their cars? Read more on America, Baby, Mitt Romney Swears It Will Be Different This Time If You Take Him Back…
  Loser Romney Still Loser ... With Mayo

Mitt Romney Finds Entirely New Explanation For ’47 Percent’ Remarks, In Own Ass

Ah, mittens, come on back and tell us all about it
Now that Mitt Romney has let it be known through “supporters” and “his wife” that he is definitely serious about not winning the White House at least one more time, he is also letting it be known that he has learned some things from the last multiple times he did not win the White House. Read more on Mitt Romney Finds Entirely New Explanation For ’47 Percent’ Remarks, In Own Ass…
  won't anybody think of the rich and powerful?

Poor Persecuted Bazillionaire Tom Perkins Proves Critics Wrong: He *Can* Be A Bigger Dick

So you all remember Tom Perkins, right? He is the bazillionaire who is afraid that all the little people will go full-Nazi and holocaust all the rich people, because it was his turn to make the “just like Hitler” reference of the day. While he has since said that maybe, perhaps, the holocaust analogy went just a smidge over the line, he still feels that the rich are constantly getting dicked over by all the little people. In order to hammer home the point, he decided to go full-47%, a la Mitt Romney, and take aim at the takers: Tom Perkins suggested Thursday that only taxpayers should have the right to vote — and that wealthy Americans who pay more in taxes should get more votes. Clearly, Perkins is unimpressed with the current GOP efforts to block poor people from voting. Let’s explore the merits of One Dollar, One Vote, shall we?  Read more on Poor Persecuted Bazillionaire Tom Perkins Proves Critics Wrong: He *Can* Be A Bigger Dick…
  how to make friends and influence people

Maine Governor Paul LePage Sure Wishes Entire State Wasn’t Filled With Lazy Unemployed Human Garbage

Hey Maine Governor Paul LePage! How is your state doin’? You wanna brag on it some? Oh, you want to say that Mainers are a bunch of goddamn hobos, layin’ around waiting for their welfare checks so they can buy some lobstah? That sounds like an excellent way to stop having to do the boring dumb job of being governor, like how when a man who does not want to be asked to empty the dishwasher gets instant dropsy every time he picks up a glass! Informed that the event was wrapping up, LePage said he had two more points to make. The first was just one word: “energy.” The second was, he said, in reference to “workforce development.” “About 47% of able-bodied people in the state of Maine don’t work,” said LePage. On the recording you can hear a member of the audience ask “what?” LePage repeats himself: “About 47%. It’s really bad.” That does sound bad, Mr. Governor LePage! But how can it possibly be true? Isn’t your state full of white people? Everybody knows white people do not steal welfare benefits. They “find” them! Read more on Maine Governor Paul LePage Sure Wishes Entire State Wasn’t Filled With Lazy Unemployed Human Garbage…
  the hunger gains

Republicans Vow To Cut Food Stamps In Areas Full Of Lazy Republicans

As the GOP War On Food Stamps rolls on this summer, Bloomberg.com has released a report looking at the political makeup of areas where food stamp rolls have expanded. Here’s a bit of a “surprise”: Among the 254 counties where food stamp recipients doubled between 2007 and 2011, Republican Mitt Romney won 213 of them in last year’s presidential election, according to U.S. Department of Agriculture data compiled by Bloomberg. Kentucky’s Owsley County, which backed Romney with 81 percent of its vote, has the largest proportion of food stamp recipients among those that he carried. This is excellent news for Mitt Romney, because it proves he was able to get the moocher vote after all. Read more on Republicans Vow To Cut Food Stamps In Areas Full Of Lazy Republicans…
  A Rising Elevator Lifts All Cars

Quarter-Billionaire Mitt Romney A Total Communist Now (Because He Hadn’t Flip-Flopped On That Yet)

We can’t rule out, regarding this tweet above that posits the unlikely claim that His Lord High … fuck it, Mitt Romney … is “concerned” about the growing wealth gap, the possibility that Romney was talking about the shocking disparities in life opportunity between millionaires and billionaires. Read more on Quarter-Billionaire Mitt Romney A Total Communist Now (Because He Hadn’t Flip-Flopped On That Yet)…
  We Just Falafel About This

Bill O’Reilly Is Very Peeved That People Found His Racist Rant Racist

Watch the latest video at video.foxnews.com So, Mr. O’Reilly here is really cheesed at You People for calling him a racist. All he did was point out that Barack Obama was reelected by a bunch of poor nonwhite people who want productive white Americans to give them All The Things, and then people started calling him bad names. Like “racist,” which is certainly a new one for Bill O’Reilly that he has never been called before! But look, children, Mitt Romney came out just a week after the election and said pretty much the same things himself, as Mr. O’Reilly points out. It’s just the truth! Nobody called Romney a racist (sure they did! Really! More than once!), but Romney also didn’t actually come out and say “White America is over, man.” He just implied it, like. Read more on Bill O’Reilly Is Very Peeved That People Found His Racist Rant Racist…
  buh-bye

Mitt Romney Drops By To Make Sure You Still Loathe Him

Mitt Romney was lonely. A week after the election, and all anybody was laughing at was Karl Rove and Fox News and Dick Morris and Gallup, and people had kind of forgotten Mitt himself, the onetime standard-bearer of the GOP. Had he himself not shit the bed? Was he not the master of his own destiny? How come nobody was blaming him for the Republican Party smashing itself to pieces? Well, the Tea Party was, but did they even count, with their manmade, unbreathable fabrics and their slipcovered couches? No, for Mitt Romney to be blamed properly, it must be by the Elite, not the anti-government warriors scraping by month to month on their disability checks. Read more on Mitt Romney Drops By To Make Sure You Still Loathe Him…
  failing up

Mitt Romney’s Guide To Flood Management

As Click & Clack will tell you, it’s the stingy man who ends up paying most, and apparently it’s as true of governing as car repairs! And apparently also, Mitt Romney, as governor of Massachusetts, was quite the Scrooge when it came to building levees and other flood control for his state! Here is a nice find from our friends at Slog: In the spring of 2004, Peabody, Mass., got drenched with rain, which flooded the downtown area. After the storm, then-Gov. Mitt Romney asked President George W. Bush to declare Essex, Middlesex and Suffolk Counties federal disaster areas, according to the Boston Globe. That fall, the state legislature proposed spending $5.7 million on a flood prevention project to protect against future floods. Those funds would be matched by $22 million in federal money. Romney vetoed it. Haha, you guys are never gonna guess what happened just two years later, in 1996 2006. Go ahead, try. You’ll never … oh. Yeah, that was it. Read more on Mitt Romney’s Guide To Flood Management…
  if dishes were wishes beggars would ride

Dishwatergate: Paul Ryan Dishwashing Scandal Worse Than Ever Imagined

In the distant past — a couple hours ago? — we saw on the Tweeter that utter douche Paul Ryan had done some stupid photo-op at a soup kitchen where breakfast had already been served and the dishes already washed. But never one to let a 15-minute investment be for naught, he picked up a sponge and faked washing some pans for the cameras. Now, we did not run with this TERRIBLE SCANDAL because we honestly figured that pretty much every politician on the planet would do the same thing, and sometimes (weirdly) we are not Titans of Hypocritical Partisanship. BUT! Now the soup kitchen’s president has bitched to the Post that HE OR SHE (okay, he, we checked now) is MAD AS HECK, because not only was it a bullshit photo op, but the Romney-Ryan campaign had “ramrodded” their way in. That does not sound very nice! Or heterosexual! Read more on Dishwatergate: Paul Ryan Dishwashing Scandal Worse Than Ever Imagined…
  Happily No Small Animals Were Killed

Herman Cain Says He’d Be Doing Better Than Loser Mitt Romney, Because Of Deep Thoughts

Chronic zipper-fumbling opportunist Herman Cain, possibly smelling blood in the water, briefly resurfaced late last week to tell reporters covering his speech at the University of Florida that he would likely have a “substantial lead” over President Obama if he’d been the Republican nominee. As our recent review of a book advocating Southern secession indicates, we are big fans of fantastically improbable alternate-reality stories, so, sure, Herman, go ahead and tell us all about it: “The reason is quite simple: I have some depth to my ideas,” …said the man who quoted the wisdom of the Pokemon 2000 movie and whose deficit-ballooning “9-9-9″ tax proposal apparently originated in the video game “Sim City 4.” Read more on Herman Cain Says He’d Be Doing Better Than Loser Mitt Romney, Because Of Deep Thoughts…
  stand for something or you'll fall for...fall for...don't fall

Romney: The Things I Say All The Time Are Debunked And Selectively Edited

As it turns out, we need not see what was in those missing two minutes of video from Romney Gone Wild: 47% Of His Clothes Off. Willy Mittens is now declaring the video “debunked and selectively edited” for some reason. Romney campaign is now referring to the fundraiser video as “a debunked and selectively edited video.” — Sabrina Siddiqui (@SabrinaSiddiqui) September 19, 2012 Yes! This is a great plan! There is no part of this that won’t work except all of it! Read more on Romney: The Things I Say All The Time Are Debunked And Selectively Edited…
  a classless society

John Sununu: Barack Obama Is Pretty Much Pol Pot, Because ‘Government’

Favored Romney surrogate (because Mr. Manager Mitt Romney makes the greatest and classiest personnel decisions) John Sununu opened his wobbly old turkey mouth and said some more stupid shit today, because it is “a day.” Sure, His Lord High Hairgel got in a wee spot of bother by explaining exactly how 47 percent of the American populace can never be expected to take responsibility for themselves, because they are foul peasants, but Barack Obama is the real divider and class warrior, because he had a website saying government is cool. Read more on John Sununu: Barack Obama Is Pretty Much Pol Pot, Because ‘Government’…
  Stick A Fork In Him (With Votes)

Even David Brooks Thinks Mitt Romney’s 47% Comments 100% Dickish

Oh, Mitt Romney, Mitt Romney. You know how you can tell that you’ve really stepped in it? A tiny hint of evidence that your problems go well past not being “elegantly stated”? One big hint would be when Conservative Icon William Kristol calls your comments “stupid and arrogant.” Another might be when the terminally equitable David Brooks suggests you don’t have a clue about the country you want to lead: …as a description of America today, Romney’s comment is a country-club fantasy. It’s what self-satisfied millionaires say to each other. It reinforces every negative view people have about Romney. All we need now is for the Ghost of David Broder to appear and say “While it is of course important to consider all sides of the question, Mitt Romney has truly screwed the pooch this time.” Read more on Even David Brooks Thinks Mitt Romney’s 47% Comments 100% Dickish…
  insult comedy

Five Ways Mitt Romney Could ‘Save’ History’s Worst-Ever Campaign If That Were At All Possible

Soooo, we’re all agreed that Miffed Romney has, is currently, and will continue to … how the French say … shit the bed? Oui. His campaign has been so bad — so terrible — that we talked to more than one New Yorker who mistily evinced a longing for the dignified reign of George W. Bush. But surely, 49 days out, there is something Miffed Romney can do to fix it? Never give up! Never surrender! Sure. Sure there is. (Though the seemingly easiest one, “Stop insulting people,” is obviously impossible and has therefore been removed from consideration.) Herewith, in the spirit of The Week (“Get more specific,” “Fire up the zzzzzz”) we offer five of them. 1. Have a buxom blonde lady (administrative assistant, private jet stewardess) say you stuck your hand up her skirt. But have her say you were super foxy and sexy about it and she totally succumbed. Twenty point bump among white men, for having a penis! And possibly white women, who would like to see a comeuppance for that cunty Ann, whom absolutely nobody likes. Read more on Five Ways Mitt Romney Could ‘Save’ History’s Worst-Ever Campaign If That Were At All Possible…
  ga ga mooch mooch

White Newborns, Mitt Romney Will Speak For You

Hello, babies. This is Mitt Romney’s newest ad. It speaks to the greatest fear of white newborns everywhere: their share of the American debt, coupled with the fear of unemployment in 18-22 years, give or take. (Although why this literal teat-sucker is opposed to becoming a figurative teat-sucker later on, I do not know.) Oh, and Mitt? Unsolicited tip: the lady in the ad should have turned to the camera at the end and said, “And I was raped.” Immediate victory in all elections. After yesterday determining that 47% of America are moochers, we have identified one who is not: this little girl, who possesses no filthy moocher qualities that make her unreachable via political ad. But we must then determine who the moochers are, if not little white babies who are helpless to do anything but not be mistaken for the Hot Cheetos & Takis kids. Read more on White Newborns, Mitt Romney Will Speak For You…