Politics magazine will release the results of their “2008 campaign poll of political insiders” this Thursday, but we already know the winner of one category: best ad of the presidential race. It is Hillary Clinton’s “3 a.m.” ad, the one about how Hillary Clinton was the only person who could answer a telephone at night without getting us all killed, or raped. Mark Penn was the “thrust” behind this successful ad, which you may have read about in any column Mark Penn has written since then. Hell, Mark Penn’s company even conducted this Politics poll, ha ha! No, seriously, that’s actually true. We can’t wait to see the winners of other categories, such as Best Thing Written (Microtrends), Worst Thorn In One’s Side (Harold Ickes/Patti Solis Doyle tie) and Best Floating Film Script In Hollywood (Microtrends Part I: Pages 1-74). [WP/The Fix]

A day after the Atlantic released tons of confidential memos and e-mails that, yet again, proved Hillary Clinton’s former chief strategist Mark “Bowser” Penn kills puppies for bloodsport, the Politico has comically published an op-ed from this very same Mark Penn, entitled, “Negative ads: They really do work.” Christ, Mark, we get it; Wolfson and Grunwald and Ickes were silly sallies who kept spoiling your hellish strategy for charred victory. But that doesn’t mean you have to write some creepy op-ed in the damn Politico every three hours! Seriously, creepy — in this op-ed, Penn reveals how he and Bill Clinton used to stalk people at the mall in 1996. MORE »

Hardy har har har. Get it? She’s useless! Bwah! [YouTube]

Hillary Clinton shot a new ad for North Carolina at 2:59 a.m. last night before her 3 a.m. nightly phone sex from Hell with Vince Foster, about the economy. Here she portrays a sparkly painted robot also named Hillary Clinton. She says “If you’re looking for a typical political commercial, switch the channel,” so we immediately switched the Internet channel. But the YouTube video description says “Go to NCAskMe.com to ask Hillary your questions.” And once you donate $2,300 dollars to her on this new site, she will have Chelsea’s traveling media secretary send you a Hallmark e-Card. [YouTube]

Ha ha but you see this is not a joke and is her actual new campaign ad. This is something that a group of professional campaign strategists and advertising gurus considered, filmed, and released to the public. These 30 seconds are designed to make human beings think she is qualified to do something, anything, with that pathetic little life of hers. That’s all, goodnight. [YouTube]

This is Casey Knowles, the 17-year-old girl whose baby movies were perverted into pro-Hillary commercials by the Clinton campaign. We learned recently that she’s a big Obama supporter in “real life,” and she’s trying damn hard to rid herself publicly of that Clinton smell (and maybe get famous in the process!!). Now she’s made this smarmy little play on the Clinton ad. Tsk tsk, silly naive teenager. Don’t be surprised next time you wake up at 3 a.m. and find Hillary Clinton dangling a decapitated kitty in your face. [YouTube]