Remember on the ANNIVERSARY OF 9/11 when the Coast Guard held some make-believe high-speed boat chase — they were chasing Osama bin Laden, on the actual Potomac River! — with guns shots and radio screams but didn’t bother to tell a single human being beforehand that it was a drill? Never will such miscues happen again! See, this time around, we know in advance that hundreds of emergency response officials are going to waste insane amounts of resources on a pretend 24esque high-speed Osama Chase tomorrow across all of Northern Virginia, so it’s okay! And if all goes as planned, homeland security teams will be prepared for the real Al Qaeda-coordinated triple-bomb/chemical weapon spill on Route 50 car chase scenario, scheduled for a Christmas release. MORE »

Writing on the Washington Post’s blog thing this weekend, columnist Eugene Robinson came up with a reportedly good way to determine if the various “we don’t torture” torture methods should really be considered torture by American courts: Torture Bush & Alberto! But only with the approved non-torture torture methods. MORE »

Teevee terrorism-stopper and real-life drunkard Kiefer Sutherland was arrested this morning for drunken driving in Los Angeles. Never forget! [Yahoo/AP]

There is a teevee show about how to torture Moslem children called “Twenty Four” and apparently starring a “First Lady gone mad who is currently institutionalized at a mental health facility.” And there’s a newish Harry Potter movie featuring this cloyingly sadistic schoolmarm named Dolores Umbridge. And then a New York Times columnist made the obvious comparisons to our real-life creepy First Lady and the nuts went crazy. But we looked it up on the Internets and sure enough it is totally true, at least in the case of the Harry Potter lady. Ye who have eyes, see: MORE »

America is moving out of the closeted-gay/sex-criminal Bush Era to a bold new “out and proud” world, according to FOX, which has hired a lesbian lady to be president. MORE »

* Free Starbucks tomorrow. [DCFUD]
* At $50,000 a year, GW is the nation’s most expensive college. Nine local kids will now attend for free. [Read Express]
* RE: DC housing market: “For those of us with decent credit, watching all the posers getting foreclosed is like watching cheap porn in the middle of the night.” [TC The Terrible]
* Review of the closing of the DC Independent Film Festival and not meeting Kiefer Sutherland, “there was the adult man chanting ‘kiefer! kiefer!’ during the film festival award proceedings, impatient to skip right past the awards and movie and see kiefer.” [Life Off Balance]
* Baked and Wired has best cupcakes in town, according to WP and CakeLove serves some of their cupcakes at room temp now. [Eat Foo]

David Fury — who, despite his name, is not a Silver Age Marvel superhero but rather a writer for Fox’s super-popular torture primer totally make-believe fiction show 24 — has hit back by using some sort of industry insider term that won’t really change the minds of anyone who thinks that people in Hollywood are high all the time: MORE »

U.S. Army Brigadier General Patrick Finnegan has pleaded with the producers of a popular teevee show about torturing Arabs to please stop torturing everybody. With the military now forced to accept high-school dropouts, felons, drug addicts, fatsos, gang-bangers, rapists, cretins and half-wits in a desperate attempt to meet the Pentagon’s demand for more bodies, Finnegan is bothered by the show 24 because young recruits now believe it’s “patriotic” to torture and murder Muslims. MORE »

When they’re not accidentally impregnating Tuesday-night Takedowns or vomiting on their own shoes, the members of Late Night Shots — the closed social network which allows you to explore Washington DC’s social landscape and bar scene — are busy solving the world’s many problems. After all, they will be lobbyists some day!

One problem recently featured in the news is the problem of Muslims. Why so many kinds of Muslims? And why does it seem we are always invading their countries and killing them? How did some get over here, in Jesusland? We’ll explore the many interesting policy positions from the LNS community, after the jump. But first, an appetizer:

* “It would be easy to just nuke these nuts, but they are spread out over everywhere in different cells and are very crafty. We have seen what they can do around the world…history (the crusades) will show us that Muslims will not back down until they achieve domination…we basically need to string all these whack nuts up and make them Extinct…then we could go back to a peaceful world. Don’t give me what about the Muslims that are good Citizens, you can’t trust these people especially when they groom there children to be killers. I mean look at 24…”

MORE »

* Heard on the Hill: John Cornyn, John McCain record promos for weekly televised fascism-porn program 24… First 100 Hours of Democratic Regime started yesterday at 1-ish… Rep. David Wu stopped by security at Longworth. [Roll Call]
* Reliable Source: It’s remarkably hard to sue Ana Marie Cox. [WP]
* Yeas and Nays: Terry McAuliffe, Frank Luntz release books… Stupid congressional college football wacky betting shit… New member pins for 110th Congress are RED. [Examiner]
* Rush & Molloy: Some Repubs doubt Rudy Giuliani will actually run for president, because he might not want to stop making lots of money. [NYDN]

* Joint Chiefs wary of troop increase in Iraq, make their case to the White House, get accused of being too “focused on the mission.” [WP]
* Robert Gates is sworn in as Secretary of Defense, uses occasion to dig Rumsfeld. Plus one. [WP]
* Rudy Giuliani is about to find out how Christian conservatives feel about politicians that are “Made in New York City.” [WP]
* Big Juan Enrique was a lettuce pickin’ man, died with that arugula in his hand. [WSJ]
* Justice Department inquiry into detainee abuse runs into dead-end, produces no indictments. [NYT]
* Sam Brownback lays down and lets a nominee for the Federal bench proceed, expects a reach-around. [NYT]
* India’s nuclear program goes legit. [WP, NYT]
* Renovated White House “Situation Room” is substantially less impressive than those used by Bartlett, Bauer, and Blitzer. [NYT]